JT

I talk a lot about staying in relationships until we get our own selves better and that is obviously because that is what I did...without regret. My husband Ward drinks. He more than likely always will unless some health scare causes him to stop. I don't try.

I often have to re-adjust my thinking when I find myself only paying attention to the bad. I mean, I get lonely sometimes because he checks out at the end of the day. He is far from attractive when he is is drunk and his head is bobbing.

But today I called him on his cell because I was having trouble with the garage door and predictably he said he would check it out. Then he said "Bye babe" He always calls me "babe". It got me thinking. Another thing he does is always say my hair looks nice when I get it done. To keep myself a perpetual 39 that is once a month. He never misses! Another thing he does is always kiss me goodnight...drunk or not. And he cooks...a lot!

He also doesn't object to my doing my own thing. Since I have been in recovery I have put together a pretty full life for myself. While he drinks I play....here, with girlfriends or just climbing in the tub with a book. He's busy with his Stoli anyway.

I forget sometimes to be grateful for what I do have and not focus on what I don't.

Any other pretty good partners out there?

historyteach

That's wonderful, JT!
What an uplifting account of your blessings... Thanks for sharing it.
Shalom!

StandingStrong

JT, I used to be a lot like you. I'd hold onto the wonderful things about ah. It kept me having hope. Those glimpses of the good things kept me holding on in hopes that things would get better.
I'm glad you are able to hold onto those. Unfortunately, I got to a point where the bad things just overshadowed all the good.
I loved your post though. It is uplifting as well as a reminder to appreciate what we do have and not what we don't.

reader

Hi JT - I know what u mean about appreciating what we do have. Yes, I do have a good life partner. My husband Burt wants me to be a housewife if thats what I want. My kids even go to school. He still does alot of housework even though I stay home. He is very supportive of anything I want to do.. He is always respectful towards me, loving and kind.
Even though he has struggled with alcoholism he has always been a good husband and dad. Thanks for reminding me to count my blessings and not focus on the negative! With love, Kerry

CatsTail

JT,

I always like what you have to say.

Ngaire

Seeking Wisdom

I really enjoyed your post JT. It is interesting how people that share the disease of alcoholism can at times be so alike and at other times be so very different. My alcoholic dad could have such empathy, generosity and kindness towards other people. When sober he would feel tremendous remorse for his behavior while drinking. My dad did not turn into a progressive alcoholic like my husband but instead became an occasional binge drinker during the last 4 decades of his life. This change resulted from his young son developing a chronic life threatening disease. One could say he brought more goodness and happiness than sadness into the lives of the many that knew. loved and respected him in the last half of his life.
When my mom passed away, my dad and I developed a close relationship as my own husband developed into a serious alcoholic. My dad would spend many hours listening to my heartache and pain ... but would also patiently talk & listen to my husband. When my dad's health began to fail, he would unselfishly put the well being my children and myself above his own needs. He would slip and drink from time to time, but he kindness prevailed and left many positive memories.

My husband developed into an alcoholic 7 years after we were married. He was as different in personality from my dad as night and day. That is one of the reasons I married him as I thought he seemed so responsible and hardworking and not turn into an alcoholic like my dad. It surprised everyone when my husband gradually got worse over the years and went from just drinking too much after work ... to eventually plunging into all out lying and drinking everyday at work and at home. All his good traits seemed to have disappeared after several decades of drinking. He can not stay sober even for a few hours around his kids anymore ... he became totally drunk this summer when at the office alone with his oldest son. He has recently ruined holidays and school events with alcoholic rages ...things he never would have done even 2 years ago. He is no longer responsible and doesn't care. He has caused many employees to quit in tears. He is filled with anger and hatered towards almost everyone. He shows no interest in the hurt and pain he causes his family even when he is sober and shows no accountability .. instead just blames others. He went to AA for 2 years and came out more bitter and angry than he was before. I continue to be shocked at how heartless and uncaring he has become ... and realize there is almost nothing left of the good qualities he once had ... a person that I don't even recognize anymore. This is so unlike my dad who had many redeeming qualities... and left this world a better place for those who knew him ... in spite of his drinking.

gelfling

Thanks JT...your post made me think. I've got to get off the negative and focus on the positive and good things about my guys. There are many and I am blessed in so many ways.


An eye opening post. Thank you.

equus

D is on my side, he'll put his hand on my shoulder if I'm worried, hold me if I cry, smile from ear to ear when I laugh. He's proud of me, he believes in me, he trusts me more than any other person has. He left his life, his job, and his home rather than have me leave my friends. He panics like a right dizzy bogger if I cut myself!!

He's only just learning how to cook, has a memory like a sieve, and sometimes puts on odd sox!

If one day I woke up with what would appear the 'perfect' man, I'd scream my head off wanting to know where D was.

JT

You all should know though that this life I have and this man I am married to was saved from the wreckage that was my previous life. That is something I have to remember as well. I can become complacent because things right now are really quite nice. I need to remind myself that a lot of hard work went into it. One person in a family dynamic really can create change.

Chy

Though mines not an addict or alcoholic he's a musician... need I say more? I don't mean that in a deragotory way, just the lifestyle way....and at the end of the day, gig, recording, whatever, I get a kiss good night to. He's my strongest supporter, my greatest motivator and my best friend.

I like that quote JT, when I get whiney about what I don't have or not getting those "wants" my sponsor reminded me with a very similar suggestion very recently. *hugs*

Gabe

Oh hell no Chy.
And I'll chime in saying that my life partner isn't just pretty good.
He's the shinest jewel in my treasure box.

luvmyfurbabies

JT, I haven't been on much lately but I'm still reading. I have finally started seeing a counselor. Even my first visit was rather insightful. I have also started thinking about what I have rather than what I don't have. My AH always tells me he loves me, he cooks a lot, hands me his paycheck every Thursday, never goes to bars, and doesn't complain about my 7 cats and 2 dogs. He has a very even temper and never argues with me and in over 10 years has never yelled at me or called me a bad name. I can think of much worse situations to be in. Thanks for your post.

susane1408

Thank you JT for asking I believe that I have a "pretty good partner" in my Philip; yes, he is alcohol dependant and in recovery. Philip will have been sober 4 months tomorrow, he is now fit, healthy and working well in his job.
On or off the wagon Philip has always been good to me. He willingly does his share of the household maintenance, loves cooking and tolerates shopping because he likes to buy me things NO complaints on the intimate side of our relationship!
Philip suffers from low self esteem and feels he is very lucky to have me for a partner, he is no wimp by any means; he is very much a man and protective of me without being smothering.
He has his little faults but nothing that bothers me too much.
The only thing that bothers me about our relationship ( apart from the obvious!) is that he works away a lot but we are working on that one.