This is a TMI sex scandal.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
This is a TMI sex scandal.
I mean it. I am sick and tired of having no sex life. I really am.
I think that BOTH partners should have a say in their sex life, not just the A.
So, tonight I approach the subject. I'm sure he's tired, tired, tired, tired, whatever lame excuse he's got going tonight. The end result is that he "wants me to be happy." If one partner is not getting their needs met and the other partner is unwilling to fulfill those needs, at what point does the unfulfilled partner get to go outside their marriage for some human companionship? At what point is the one person justified in looking elsewhere? And yes, we ARE talking about SEX! I may as well be living with my brother. What is it? Jesus, I just turned 38 -- I'm not dead! I spent my entire sexual peak F'ing around with an alcoholic dysfunction -- is my whole life DOOMED to be like this? The bad part is that he's finally working with me, not against me.
Does it EVER CHANGE??? I am seriously considering getting myself a Tuesday/Saturday guy. Service me on Tuesday and Saturday and don't call me the rest of the week. Don't bring flowers, don't bring romance. Just bring, well, you know.........
This has been going on for 8 years -- it's not as if it started 2 months ago.
Does this ever change???
I want honest answers -- and volunteers are welcome, too.
I think that BOTH partners should have a say in their sex life, not just the A.
So, tonight I approach the subject. I'm sure he's tired, tired, tired, tired, whatever lame excuse he's got going tonight. The end result is that he "wants me to be happy." If one partner is not getting their needs met and the other partner is unwilling to fulfill those needs, at what point does the unfulfilled partner get to go outside their marriage for some human companionship? At what point is the one person justified in looking elsewhere? And yes, we ARE talking about SEX! I may as well be living with my brother. What is it? Jesus, I just turned 38 -- I'm not dead! I spent my entire sexual peak F'ing around with an alcoholic dysfunction -- is my whole life DOOMED to be like this? The bad part is that he's finally working with me, not against me.
Does it EVER CHANGE??? I am seriously considering getting myself a Tuesday/Saturday guy. Service me on Tuesday and Saturday and don't call me the rest of the week. Don't bring flowers, don't bring romance. Just bring, well, you know.........
This has been going on for 8 years -- it's not as if it started 2 months ago.
Does this ever change???
I want honest answers -- and volunteers are welcome, too.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Tenneessee
Posts: 30
Please take advise provided to you here, no one here is out to give you answers that will create you more headaches. I hope your were just venting and this is a great place to vent, we all have vented here and received responses back that are not to be taken as criticism. Adding another problem at this point will only do you harm.
Here's an honest answer:
Maybe it's my age, but,
1. at what point does the unfulfilled partner get to go outside their marriage for some human companionship? There is no time in a marriage when a partner "gets" to go outside the marriage for sex.
2. At what point is the one person justified in looking elsewhere? Never
3. I spent my entire sexual peak F'ing around with an alcoholic dysfunction -- is my whole life DOOMED to be like this? No, make some serious changes for your self, everything else will fall into place.
4. The bad part is that he's finally working with me, not against me. Why is this the bad part, now is the time to make the move both of you need.
I don't mean to sound ugly but I've been the wife of an unfaithful spouse, it's not pleasant.
Vent all you want here, you will receive answers, take answers provided and changes will occur.
Here's an honest answer:
Maybe it's my age, but,
1. at what point does the unfulfilled partner get to go outside their marriage for some human companionship? There is no time in a marriage when a partner "gets" to go outside the marriage for sex.
2. At what point is the one person justified in looking elsewhere? Never
3. I spent my entire sexual peak F'ing around with an alcoholic dysfunction -- is my whole life DOOMED to be like this? No, make some serious changes for your self, everything else will fall into place.
4. The bad part is that he's finally working with me, not against me. Why is this the bad part, now is the time to make the move both of you need.
I don't mean to sound ugly but I've been the wife of an unfaithful spouse, it's not pleasant.
Vent all you want here, you will receive answers, take answers provided and changes will occur.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
I have been completely faithful to my marriage vows every day. I have not looked, I have not strayed. I also think that partners are just that - partners. Each partner needs to bring something to the table. This is not a new theme in our marriage -- it is recurring without resolution. I think that is the problem area. There is nothing physical wrong with him -- or me -- and I am getting nowhere having this discussion with him. At some point I am speaking to a wall.
My dilemma is this: He is making great strides in his recovery. I am so far ahead of him that he can't even see me. That doesn't make me love him less or want a divorce but it does pose the question, "When do you start becoming part of your marriage?"
My dilemma is this: He is making great strides in his recovery. I am so far ahead of him that he can't even see me. That doesn't make me love him less or want a divorce but it does pose the question, "When do you start becoming part of your marriage?"
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Jasper, GA
Posts: 239
Define your question
Originally Posted by Beautiful
I am beside myself. Intimacy should be coming back into our marriage. I am just shaking my head - not even upset. Just shaking my head.
Sex and intimacy can be, but don't HAVE to be the same you know...and frankly, if I have to choose between them, I'll pick door #2.
BubbaBob
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Well, to be fair to Beautiful, she did mention human companionship as well as sex.
Beautiful, you sound really frustrated.
And rightfully so.
You are obviously not getting what you want from this relationship.
And I'm sure it's not just about sex per se, but intimacy in general.
I don't think any of us marry with the intention of becoming "roommates" later in life.
Is there a possibility for counseling, as in would he go for it?
Lack of intimacy in a relationship is a sure sign that it needs fixing.
There isn't much you can do on your own if he's not willing to meet you half-way.
Personally, I think it's better to end a relationship first, before going outside it to get what you're lacking.
Beautiful, you sound really frustrated.
And rightfully so.
You are obviously not getting what you want from this relationship.
And I'm sure it's not just about sex per se, but intimacy in general.
I don't think any of us marry with the intention of becoming "roommates" later in life.
Is there a possibility for counseling, as in would he go for it?
Lack of intimacy in a relationship is a sure sign that it needs fixing.
There isn't much you can do on your own if he's not willing to meet you half-way.
Personally, I think it's better to end a relationship first, before going outside it to get what you're lacking.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
volunteers ... um.I a, ok...... um well.
That was different.
Hey , I know what you mean. I just started going out again with a great girl after being alone for 16 months.
nuff said
That was different.
Hey , I know what you mean. I just started going out again with a great girl after being alone for 16 months.
nuff said
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
If you are not joking and I hope you are (about looking outside)
That would be one of the biggest mistakes ever.
Jumping out of the fry pan and into the fire.
Conversation...talk things over...gather him in with respect. Guys work better with respect...
Honey because you are so good in bed....I miss it...lets go.
His ego will get him in line.
As a woman would rather hear...
You are so beautiful, lets cuddle.
That would be one of the biggest mistakes ever.
Jumping out of the fry pan and into the fire.
Conversation...talk things over...gather him in with respect. Guys work better with respect...
Honey because you are so good in bed....I miss it...lets go.
His ego will get him in line.
As a woman would rather hear...
You are so beautiful, lets cuddle.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Guys work better with respect...
How's the communication between the two of you?
"The BAND" workshop ROCKS!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Indianapolis, Indiana
Posts: 1,502
2 years loner here. Coke killed my sex and social life. Now I'm ready for a partner but feeling alone and ashamed and just too damned afraid to start something. I feel like I've burnt up my best years and will never have another partner again.
Just dating for a while, to feel human again would be nice. I don't need the wife/kids/whole thing. Just someone to hold once in a while would help keep me alive. Tuesday/Saturdays sounds great.....
Just dating for a while, to feel human again would be nice. I don't need the wife/kids/whole thing. Just someone to hold once in a while would help keep me alive. Tuesday/Saturdays sounds great.....
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Ok, have some time. Touchy subject for me so wanted to formulate my thoughts.
I have a good friend who two years ago left her husband because for years there was no intimacy in their marriage. She would tell you (then) that the primary motivation for divorce was the lack of intimacy. She would tell you now, that it was just a symptom of a deeper problem, they just weren't right for each other. I have another friend who complains about the lack of intimacy in her marriage, but has rationalized that there is some level of satisfaction, not enough to meet all her needs, but enough to NOT justify a divorce, and put her very young children through that. Both of these women love/loved their husbands, and both are late 30s to early 40s.
It has been my personal experience that women in their mid 30s to late 40s, (and more than likely beyond) do go through a peak in desire for, and comfort with intimacy. Paired up with the right partner, it can be a wonderful thing. I consider myself fortunate to have shared in that.
However, I can also say from personal experience, one can either be happily married, happily divorced, or some where in between. I have been somewhere in between for the majority of my adult life, but don’t think I would use the word “happy” to describe that place. Just existing would be more appropriate.
I can understand your frustration but going outside your marriage will not solve anything and you know this. You just have to decide to either try and work on the marriage, or move on.
Another eason this is a tough subject for me is because once you sit in 1st class, it's hard to go back to coach. I'm not even FLYING right now. I have women hitting on me but all the wrong ones! Co-workers, no way, married, NO WAY, ones that make my bad picker alarm light up like a christmas tree...
Believe me. I do understand your frustration.
I have a good friend who two years ago left her husband because for years there was no intimacy in their marriage. She would tell you (then) that the primary motivation for divorce was the lack of intimacy. She would tell you now, that it was just a symptom of a deeper problem, they just weren't right for each other. I have another friend who complains about the lack of intimacy in her marriage, but has rationalized that there is some level of satisfaction, not enough to meet all her needs, but enough to NOT justify a divorce, and put her very young children through that. Both of these women love/loved their husbands, and both are late 30s to early 40s.
It has been my personal experience that women in their mid 30s to late 40s, (and more than likely beyond) do go through a peak in desire for, and comfort with intimacy. Paired up with the right partner, it can be a wonderful thing. I consider myself fortunate to have shared in that.
However, I can also say from personal experience, one can either be happily married, happily divorced, or some where in between. I have been somewhere in between for the majority of my adult life, but don’t think I would use the word “happy” to describe that place. Just existing would be more appropriate.
I can understand your frustration but going outside your marriage will not solve anything and you know this. You just have to decide to either try and work on the marriage, or move on.
Another eason this is a tough subject for me is because once you sit in 1st class, it's hard to go back to coach. I'm not even FLYING right now. I have women hitting on me but all the wrong ones! Co-workers, no way, married, NO WAY, ones that make my bad picker alarm light up like a christmas tree...
Believe me. I do understand your frustration.
Binge poster
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 561
One word for one of your frustrations: toys
Actually, I know where you're coming from with this - I'm 38 too and definitely not ready to opt for the twins beds. It IS the lack of intimacy that gets me most though, sometimes just a little eye contact would be nice.
It's finally getting through to my thick brain that maybe this is one of those things we might not be able to work out.
J
Actually, I know where you're coming from with this - I'm 38 too and definitely not ready to opt for the twins beds. It IS the lack of intimacy that gets me most though, sometimes just a little eye contact would be nice.
It's finally getting through to my thick brain that maybe this is one of those things we might not be able to work out.
J
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
So, tonight I approach the subject. I'm sure he's tired, tired, tired, tired, whatever lame excuse he's got going tonight.
If it has become a battle ground then things associated with it will get you both ready for what you've learned is the battle. If a hug leads to more demands and a fight then the hug won't give pleasure, just pressure or the beginings of the flight/fight adrenaline response. If a kiss leads to a subject on which you can't agree then a kiss becomes the red flag that a row is brewing.
If you make affection the argument then affection becomes as unpleasant as the argument, the more unpleasent you make the latter in order to win the more unpleasant affection will also become.
Remembered how you learned what hearing a 'fumbled' key in the door would mean? Remember how quickly you can learn to feel so much emotion just from the sound of someone failing to unlock a door first time? Remember how you can come to hate that sound - despite the sound itself being harmless? When one thing always leads to another we humans learn to hate both.
If you argue over sex more than you enjoy it sex will become unpleasant, if affection leads to arguments about sex, affection will become unpleasant. If sex and affection lead to being told you are failing as a partner, or that you should be allowed to look elsewhere, or that you are so 'far behind' you're out of sight - these ARE POWERFUL AND EXTREMELY AVERSIVE just as sex and affection will become if you decide to pair them.
Start with what you have that's good if you want more intamacy - not a fight.
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