Rose56

Good Morning! I have been working on step four over the past weeks and I feel somewhat stuck. I have no trouble identifying both character assets and defects. I feel like I have a good handle on who I am and where my problems lie. The difficulty is in correcting the character defects. For example, I like to spend money to make me feel powerful or free. Now I don't go crazy or anything, but I might buy a new purse I don't need or a new perfume etc. These purchases are definitely designed to make me feel better, which they do, temporarily. Then I feel worse because I feel guilty. Our financial situation is such that I shouldn't make these types of purchases. We have enough to get by with but not enough for extras. And I am only talking here about the extras that I buy for myself, I do the same thing for my kids and husband. It is almost like a love/hate relationship I have with myself. I give myself something I "need" only to beat myself up about it later. What is going on here? How do I change this pattern? I can say that I will not spend this way again, but given an opportunity, I know I will. It is not much different than the alcoholic. So how do I heal myself? How do I get off my own merry-go-round?

smoke gets in my eyes

Good Morning Rose!

I'm glad I got here early before anyone called you a shopaholic. Somehow it irritates me, the trendy thing of referring to compulsions as addictions. Stanton Peele started all that, with his book "Love Addiction" a few decades ago. I emailed him once, and he is very pleasant and politely replies, but I could still kick him in the shins over it.

I had the same compulsion you do. It still pops up once in awhile. For awhile I had to leave my checkbook at home (except for the ONE check I PLANNED to write or something), lock the little plastic cards in the trunk... or leave them at home as well. I think for me, the lift occured because something CHANGED. I found I can get the same thrill by getting rid of old junk or cutting my hair. When I have a shopping "justgotta" these days, I go to the goodwill store. That idea may not appeal to everyone, but it does the trick for me. 50 cent novels! And you can drop off the "getridofs" while you're there.

Hugs,
Smoke

JT

Rose,

That is a hard one...I like Smokes suggestion. Sometimes the dollar store has some cool stuff too. Like books, or how about TJ Max. I am a "thrill of the hunt" shopper rarely spending a dime until I know that dime object is worth a least 30 cents!!

You need to treat yourself...the quandry is losing the guilt..trust me , I NEVER feel guilty when my purchase has been an ungualified steal!!

Hugs,
JT

JT

Rose,

I was thinking some more about you and it is not about the stuff you buy yourself...if it was you would cut out the extra's for everyone else. It is about you not feeling worthy.

An inventory is not about only the bad things. Oh my God...what kind of program would this be!? You have good qualities too and you DO deserve a treat now and then.

You know you have self esteem issues...we all do...but you have been pretty up front about yours. Maybe your inventory should begin with your good qualities. At the very least when you unearth a defect you want to work on, find another one that you are proud of.

For one thing I know you are a fighter. You are going to meetings and doing everything that you can to improve your quality of life! How many people do you know that don't have that quality?

I know you are insightful and intelligent and have a willingness to learn. You are willing to try new things even when you aren't convinced they are real. You trust the program and the people in it to not lead you astray.

You have all of the qualities of a person who will beat this and be successful in this program.

Guilt is a huge characture defect by itself and only causes YOU harm. You are the only one who knows you are feeling it. You have enough people beating you up...why do you want to get in line?

My advice to you is for you to get out your books and read up on guilt...lead a meeting and pick that as your subject and listen to everyone else.

You GO girl, this is only one of many hurtles!

Hugs,
JT

Laceejoe

Sounds like many of us enjoy the thrift shops!! I, too, have financial worries, and find myself spending money that I don't really have to spend. Living alone all these years, I've only had myself to depend on for income---and it's been hard. Sometimes I think I spend what little I do because I need to feel "human". Does that make sense to anybody????

Rose56

Thanks, I will give your comments some thought today. I think you are right JT, it is about feeling worthy. I will take your suggestion. More later.