Change4life

I have been struggling a long trying to find some peace and sobriety.
There has been a person that was trying to help me, and they finally told me I couldn't come to their house if I was drinking.
After everything they have done for me I got angry, and slightly snotty. I feel real bad for some of the things I said. I was just mad because my addict side is still in more control than I care to admit. anyway I am usually a warm, kind person, and now I am feeling so angry, and I seem to be taking it out on the people I love, instead of the people I should be mad at (the people in my life that try to get me to use).
anyway I wanted to know if this is normal. Did anyone or is anyone experiencing the same thing. My drinking is already chasing people away, but my anger I think is more unacceptable. I can't take back what I did or said, but I can prevent doing the same thing in the future. Does any one have any thoughts on this? I am on day 1 again, and my guilt is creeping in and could sabotage me if I don't deal with it.
Thanks,
Bfree

sherbear5104

It's very normal in the beginning for our emotions to be all over the place. Some people are angry, some people cry. We all do something to block some of the uncomfortable emotions. It takes time. Do you go to meetings? It's good to talk to people in the meetings and see how they handled similar situations. Or here is a good place. I find I get moody sometimes, but now that I am sober, I can recognize it and change my attitude. I am as happy or sad as I let myself be. Think happy thoughts, or say a prayer. It helps.

Take care.
Sherry

Change4life

Yea thats me one minute I am angry, the next I am balling my eyes out. I was able to skip the liquor store, and I hid my car around the block so my druggie friends will think I am not home. But my guilt is threatening tonights sobriety. The later it gets the more the temptation, and being upset is screwing with me also. I would like to be able to post a thread tomorrow saying I am on day 2 instaed of my usual whining.
Bfree

earlybird

Bfree,................

Have you tried going into a treatment center?? It sounds like its just not working on your own. I keep reading that you quit and then go back out. Im not trying to sound judgemental but, it seems like you have done enough to prove to yourself that you cannot do this on your own. You keep doing the same things expecting different results. You mentioned you should be mad at the people in your life that try and get you to use. Well,...why are they IN your life still? Im sure you know that you must get rid of all using friends and stay out of all using situations. How come when you feel your self getting like you describe in this quote, do you not just go to a meeting???? Call someone in the program or a loved one. Or go to bed early. Or get a hobby. DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN SIT AND ROCK BACK AND FORTH REPEATING "DONT DRINK,.....DONT DRINK" You cant last very long doing that. I dont mean to sound harsh, but, about 98% of your anger is YOUR OWN fault.

ASH

The guilt and shame I felt after saying and doing things to hurt others was one key reason I got sober.
When drinking I would do nasty things then rationalize it by saying, "That wasn't the real me," but, I finally had to say,
when I drink, I don't like who I am, but that is ME, that is who I choose to become when I drink.

I was also in the same trap your are facing now, drinking to cover the hurt, shame embarrassment and guilt.
Bad news was I just did it all over again,
and then had to isolate because I didn't want to face family and friends.
Its a vicious cycle, it chews you up, but
it does get better when you get sober!

I look forward seeing you here at SR tomorrow,
keep trying, your worth it, your friends are worth it,

There is always hope

Irish Virus

If you are on day one again, you're addict side is in complete control rather than "still in more control than I care to admit" as you state. As long as you are using drugs and drinking out of control your emotions will be out of control also.

I don't know what kind of program you have for rehabilitation, but whatever type it is doesn't seem to be working that good at the moment. Have you tried AA? It's free and the folks there talk about dealing with life on life's terms. It may help. After my failed attempts, I realized I couldn't do it alone. If you are trying to do it alone, chances are there will be a Day1 thread in a weeks time.

If you really want peace and sobriety, the path that will take you to that place is through the Lord. May He grant you the serenity that you seek.

God Bless and good luck.

Change4life

Earlybird you don't sound harsh, only speaking honestly. Everything you said is true. this is all my fault, it is my fault I was born with the disease of addiction. I put in a special request while I was in my mothers womb to be genetically predisposed to alcohol abuse.
I have been looking for a treatment center, but most want you detoxed first. that is where I am running into trouble. I have no insurance, no job, no $ etc. I have found detox centers for alcohol but not xanax. this has been a huge strain on me, emotionally and physically. And yes I am angry. I have plenty of hobbies, they don't keep me from forgetting I need a drink. There is No one I would consider a loved one in my life. So I am alone and you are right I probably can't do this alone, this is the only place I have to vent. I have tried to get rid of druggie friends, but they keep coming to my house practically banging down the door. I started hiding my car so they will think I am not at home. I deleted all my dealers #'s, I am doing the best I can with the available resources I have.
Beth

Change4life

If AA, or NA are my only options you are right, there will be another day 1 post in another week. I am glad those type of programs work for many people, but I need to find something far more secular. I don't believe in the ideology of a higher power, which kind of kills the whole 12 step program. This will probably PO a few people, but I think God and religion was created by man to control the masses, and make people feel less insecure, and fear death less. That is about it. I feel absolutely ridiculous praying. From what I have seen people go from drug addiction to meeting addiction. I feel like they are trying to brain wash me, or like the meeting is one big advertizement for NA. Most people believe in God so it works for them. Maybe I should stop posting since the responses are usually the same. Go to a meeting. no wonder I am angry. There has to be another answer besides meetings.
Beth

earlybird

well,....you seem to have the answer to all my questions. Why dont you go into a treatment center? Because you have to insurance. How about state funding? No,..I cant because I cant find one that helps with xanax. The only thing you seem to be sure of is that none of this is your fault. You have an excuse for every possible solution someone gives you. The very bottom line is this. If an addict REALLY TRUELY wants sobriety,.....they can get it. No matter WHERE they live. You do whatever it takes. The other option is death. You look those loser using friends in the eye and say "Listen,..this is NO F**KING joke,...do NOT call me or come over here ever again!!" If they do,...you get a restraining order. You are making excuses. And please,...dont use the cliche' "I didnt ask for this disease" approach. Boo Hoo......neither did I. But I DID ask for help. And now Im 21 months sober. I was homeless,....I had nobody. My heart stopped for 47 seconds in the ER. I had 5 seizures. I was 5ft 7inches tall and only 114 lbs. I have never heard of a treatment center that doesnt help people with xanax addiction. This is MENTAL. It doesnt really even nessessarily matter what your substance was. Its about changing you lifestyle and the way you think so you dont need a substance as a crutch no matter what it was. So stop making excuses and let us help you.

Change4life

Ok I you must be right I don't really want sobriety. No more excuses. No more trying, it's just driving me crazy anyway.

earlybird

You really seem to have a severe case of the "poor-me's". Using sarcasm to get sympathy isnt going to stop you from taking xanax. And by the way,...I'd say no,...you really DONT seem to want it much if you are still in that phase where you shoot down all ideas meant to help you. You're in that phase where you might want it,....but you really dont want to do the work to get it. You want someone else to do it for you. To wave the "xanax-be-gone" wand and make it all go away. You worked really hard to GET this way...now you have to work really hard to get right again. New Jersey is loaded with rehab facilities. Call this number : 1-866-845-8975

Here a just a few: Hogar Crea of Jersey City
Christ Hospital of Jersey City
Kaleidoscope of New Jersey
Pact TEAM of Jersey City
Spectrum Healthcare

I wish I had someone give ME the names of treatment centers in MY city when I was in your "phase". DO SOMETHING WITH THESE. Ive looked into all of these.....they handle XANAX addiction. No more excuses. God Bless you. Good Luck. Im here if you need to talk.

Change4life

Thank you earlybird.

lynn41068

http://dasis3.samhsa.gov/Default.aspx


Beth, check out the above site. There is lots of info you may helpful, there is a place you should call.....right in your town....counseling care assoc. there are also places listed for detox. Just click on NJ to get the listing.

Lynn

lynn41068

beth,

another site..... www.shesinrecovery.com

also, www.newbeginningmin.org look at the resources, lots of links to other web sites.

I know you are mad at me now, but I hope and pray you do recover, the link in my previous post had lots of places, I was surprised at how much info there was.

Love,
Lynn

requiredfield

Beth- You're on Day 1, of course you're angry. You're right where you are supposed to be. But if you're angry now, using is only going to make that worse...

A detox should take you, since you were drinking, what, two days ago right? You just add that you're dual addicted. I'm sure you're not the only one... Just get to a hospital...

As for meetings... forget about that until you get done with treatment. But just a note, there is a HUGE diff b/w religion and spirituality. Your "God" can be anything...Group of drunks, your teddy bear, whatever...

Change4life

I am going to try to do this myself, I have been told it is dangerous, but I trust Doctors as much as Native americans trust us wasicans (whites). I am still angry, but I made it to day 2. granted I slept a lot, but I made it. tomorrow is day 3. I feel horrible, but I am taking vitamins and drinking a lot if fluids (non alcoholic). The only way I would end up in a hospital is if I passed out and had no choice. If I had cancer i stil wouldn't go to a hospital. I am pretty smart, and learn real quick whatever I study. Up until now I have been studying sustainable development, and politcal sociology. So it occurred to me that I should put some time into stydying everything out there on addiction. I am not spiritual, but I relate to the intellectual. I decided I might be better off looking at myself in clinical terms. I have a better chance of changing by looking at myself from the view of an outsider, and analyzing my behaior and what it is doing to myself and those around me. never thought about thinking about science as my higher power, but that just might work.
beth

lynn41068

Are you on day 3 going for 4?

Change4life

No day 2 going for 3. Don't feel much like typing, going back to bed. thanks for asking.
Love ya,
Beth

earlybird

Their point is,.....if you have drank or used drugs to the point that you're body has become addicted, that means your body now NEEDS alcohol or drugs to function. There is no arguing with that. That is fact. When you suddenly begin denying your body the alcohol or drugs it is now used to, it goes into withdrawl. If you have been taking xanax daily for months or years,...your withdrawl symptoms will be more severe. I think the fact that you have no idea what these withdrawl symptoms are like,...you cant imagine them being as bad as people say. If we havent actually experienced it,...then its hard for us to understand. But believe me,.....if you have done xanax daily for a looong time,...you DO NOT want to be alone come day 4, 5, 6, or 7. Any one of these days can be the beginning of the worst experience of your life. You need a doctors care to get through it. Without it,...you have a 1 and 33 chance of dying. That means one out of every 33 people die from alcohol or xanax withdrawl. That is serious. Not trusting doctors is BS. I dont believe that for a second. Are you saying that you wouldnt bring a child to see a doctor if he or she needed medical help? You would just squat and pump out a baby all by yourself at home? If you got into a car accident, you would refuse medical treatment? Some of these sound like exceptions because they sound pretty serious or extreme senarios. But think about it,.....there is a very good chance that you will die if you dont quit and get help. There is nothing more serious than that. Stop making excuses. Nobody EVER quits on their own. If they can,...then they never had a problem to begin with. Everyone hears that, and thinks "Yeah,...but IM the exception to the rule" "Im going to be the ONE person who CAN quit on their own" Delusional. Dont do this to yourself. Get help. Quitting takes alot more than simply not doing drugs anymore. This is a mental disease,...that means you MUST change the way you think. You MUST LEARN to live life a different way. How are you ever going to do that if you are totally jonesing for a xanax pill? You have to learn how to NOT JONES for a xanax pill. You cant learn that on your own. If you could,....you would have by now. Dont be stupid.

subliminalurge

If you can accept science as being a "power greater than yourself", then AA can help you.

There is no requirement that you believe in a "God" as described by any particular religion. All that is necessary is to believe that something out there is more powerful than you, or to put it another way, to believe that you are not the most powerful being in the entire universe.

I don't know about you, but that was a fairly simple idea for me to accept.