julieb

Just as I thought my seperation plans from my ah were going painfully smooth, yesterday I come home to find a letter from my ah making promises for "one last try, no ifs ands or buts" , that we could still make it work but he needs my support. He left a copy of a signed contract that he wrote himself saying he promises never to drink again and that I can divorce him if he does.

What is he thinking!!!

Is this he last ditch attempt for control? Some words of wisdon would be appreciated.

Julie

minnie

Panic, I would say. Nothing to stop you going ahead with the divorce and getting back together if you see some action.

*edit* Please know that I am only speaking from my own experience. I could show you a pile of letters and e-mails from my ex that say the exact same thing. Did it happen? No. Not even when I did leave.

reader

Is he working a program? AA meetings or counseling-very few people can just write a contract and stop. I hope for him it works but I would want to see some real efforts to quit before I would even consider working on the marriage again. Just a idea! Actions do speak louder than words! With love, Kerry

dax

Tell him to contact you again WHEN he has a 30 day chip from AA.
dax

Cap3

Hey Julieb,for myself when in doubt-----dont.And my decisions are not reliant on others.What they do,or dont do.
I pray/meditate.Take my time.Asking for God,s will,never my own.
I get into recovery program big time,more than ever,when im making serious decisions in my life....Time..Gods time.Got all the time in da world,no rushing for me...lol.
If another is,pushing me for an answer so that they cant make decisons,i dont do pressure....smile..They too must make their decisions,for themselves,not based on,only me....But based upon themselves.relationships are give and take.
This is what works for me.Until im clear,no moves,either way...
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,take care!!!!!!!!!

FriendofBill

Whats changed? A letter with words that have not turned into action, so really nothing has changed.....

When the actions match the words...................

FriendofBill

Careful, those chips are sold in any dollar store..my ex once bought a whole box of poker chips to *prove* to me he had bee going to AA and was staying sober.

How creative!

equus

The chances are he's thinking exactly what he wrote - that he wants one last chance. I could sit here trying to figure out why he would write that if he didn't want another chance but it would give me brain strain - there's not many other things he'd stand to get from the letter and acontract!

BUT Can someone promise that? Is it a promise if they acknowledge a consequence of drinking (ie that you should divorce him)?

Do you want to know what he intends to DO about it? Actions should match words.

Are you at the point where you want to leave regardless? If so I think trying to work out his motive for the letter is wasted energy - because it makes no difference to your single life.

If you want to know more from him, talk to him. If you're worried it will all be lies wait for action. If you are ready to divorce and feel that decision is what you want at this stage - then don't let him control you.

What to do totally depends on what you want.

brdlvr2

I agree with the others. Actions not words. My abf would writer letters, get on his knees and beg for one more chance. Said if he screwed up he'd leave and never contact me. Well, there were Countless one more chances. Until I wised up and said no more chances until I see actions that you are doing something about your drinking, not just saying you quit. I asked him why he "lied" and made promises he wouln't keep. He said that at the time, he fully meant everyword he said. He really was done with drinking. But when the craving for the booze would overcome him, he'd forget all about keeping the promise he'd made. Just one little drink to escape. He admits it was selfish on his part - not meant to hurt me or break his word, but to just drink to escape the pain he was in. I hope your situation is different.

pmaslan

Desperate people do desperate things....
Mine tried everything to keep me except, the one thing neccessary that would have.
Promises for some are made to be broken.
The truth lies in actions.
Mine lost everything and still drank.
He moved out of state and still tried to manipulate me from a distance.
I agree with Minnie, you can keep on with what you are doing and if his
actions match his words, you can always reunite....Keep yourself in the driverseat.

Cynay

Ditto...

Panic is the motivation ... he needs you to help him??? He "cant" do it without your support?

Its not your recovery... therefore that pressure he is putting on you is not yours to carry. Actions speak louder then words... search inside, pray and stick with what is right for you. If something changes you can change the decisions... nothing is written in stone.

harleygirl92156

Anyone can lie and get a thirty day chip. I think inviting her to visit him while he is at the 30 day treatment center would be better.

harleygirl92156

He does mean what his says in the letter, he isn't lying, he really thinks he can quit drinking by himself and the contract is for real in his mind. Thing is, he needs help, but hasn't got to the point where he is willing to ask for help, professional help.
If he isn't willing to go for treatment, then NOTHING HAS CHANGED, continue down the road you are on. Like someone else said, there is no reason you can't go ahead with the divorce and remarry at a later time IF things indeed to change.
Hugs to you, you are in a hard place. Keep your mind clear and do the next right thing for YOURSELF!

dax

Well of course you would reseach where the chip came from. Cynical dax would need a major signed and sealed investigative report.Ok I am having a bad day- I would continue woth the divorce. If they ever get into recovery chances are good they are going to hurt you some more. These are sick l ying individuals. dax

UrbanFool

I'm with Minnie on the panic. The only thing that saved my ass on my job (been there twelve years) this last time is having a month to prove that I can be a normal person. They could have just canned me.

Kinda surprised my husband hasn't canned me as well, but I have a long track record of being normal, and a fairly short one of being a nutjob.

My 24-hour chip is the only one I have. My first sponsor explained it to me --the last 24 hours is the only one that counts.

I had NO idea you could buy chips. Learn something new everyday.

Kelly

Jazzman

I would argue that he does not NEED your support. Only he can beat this. You don't have to be mean to him, and you don't have to change any of your plans either. I think he's starting to realize the pickle he's got himself into. And you sticking to your boundaries was the catalyst. Don't change your boundaries now...

JessicaNAJ

I've been at a loss for words lately. But I too agree that actions speak louder than words. And I liked what HG said..."He does mean what his says in the letter, he isn't lying, he really thinks he can quit drinking by himself and the contract is for real in his mind. Thing is, he needs help, but hasn't got to the point where he is willing to ask for help, professional help".

Bottom line....do what you feel is best for you.

sunshinebluesky

yes,if theres anything i have learned,its to wait for the ACTION,not just go on the words.i hope and pray that in the future i can stand my ground on what ive been feeling--as in,i will not give my whole self to anyone who doesnt SHOW me they deserve it,will appreciate it,and respect it.