Decisions!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Decisions!!
Hello My Friends:
Well, it's getting more and more difficult with my son. He calls all the time sometimes it's horrible stuff. The last call I answered was him telling me he got another job but couldn't get there because his truck wasn't running. He said if I could help him pick up two outstanding checks for 256.00 they would then let him write another check..Duh! At first I thought I would do it because he would be able to get to the job. Then I thought, no, because maybe he would be down here harrassing the girlfriend. So I didn't do it. Now, he as been calling and begging me to answer the phone but I haven't. I take it off the hook at night too.
I feel horrible, I feel like I have abandoned him even though because of his actions and involving so many people including the baby's father, I have lost the right to babysit for her anymore! I'm so sad and this crying all the time has got to end!
I did write him a letter telling him that the only call I will answer is when he calls to tell me he has gotten the help he needs!
I know in my heart I've done the right thing, but since I don't have much practice saying "no" it is haunting me! I feel like I have truly abandoned him..I still can't think of him as the problem. I can only think of him as the victim. Man, what a hard head I have! Thanks for listening, Hugs, Devastated
Well, it's getting more and more difficult with my son. He calls all the time sometimes it's horrible stuff. The last call I answered was him telling me he got another job but couldn't get there because his truck wasn't running. He said if I could help him pick up two outstanding checks for 256.00 they would then let him write another check..Duh! At first I thought I would do it because he would be able to get to the job. Then I thought, no, because maybe he would be down here harrassing the girlfriend. So I didn't do it. Now, he as been calling and begging me to answer the phone but I haven't. I take it off the hook at night too.
I feel horrible, I feel like I have abandoned him even though because of his actions and involving so many people including the baby's father, I have lost the right to babysit for her anymore! I'm so sad and this crying all the time has got to end!
I did write him a letter telling him that the only call I will answer is when he calls to tell me he has gotten the help he needs!
I know in my heart I've done the right thing, but since I don't have much practice saying "no" it is haunting me! I feel like I have truly abandoned him..I still can't think of him as the problem. I can only think of him as the victim. Man, what a hard head I have! Thanks for listening, Hugs, Devastated
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Hi!
The way I see it is the only thing your son is a victim of is his own choices. I trust that you did not raise him to use drugs to escape life. I trust that you did everything you could to give him the tools required to advance forth in the world as a responsible, trustworthy adult. If he wrote bad checks, he IS a problem to whomever it was that extended their trust and cashed them. He created a situation and now is looking to Mom to fix it. Or better said...he is trying to manipulate Mom into fixing it.
If "no" is hard for you to say then you have no choice but to protect yourself and not have much contact until saying "no" becomes easier. And the flipside is...when you have the strength to say "no" you also gain the ability to say "yes" when you know it is appropriate.
The way I see it is the only thing your son is a victim of is his own choices. I trust that you did not raise him to use drugs to escape life. I trust that you did everything you could to give him the tools required to advance forth in the world as a responsible, trustworthy adult. If he wrote bad checks, he IS a problem to whomever it was that extended their trust and cashed them. He created a situation and now is looking to Mom to fix it. Or better said...he is trying to manipulate Mom into fixing it.
If "no" is hard for you to say then you have no choice but to protect yourself and not have much contact until saying "no" becomes easier. And the flipside is...when you have the strength to say "no" you also gain the ability to say "yes" when you know it is appropriate.
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Devastated,
Anyone here can tell you I was just where you are several months ago. I can still slide right back into it too.
The only way to learn how to do it is to do it. It was really really painful for me when I first said no and did the hard things. It got easier each time I did it.
You are doing the right thing. He has been manipulating you by playing the victim.
Don't forget that he is a meth user. The drugs play a big part in his behavior. There is no helping them when they are actively using. We developed a sick bond with our sons. We have to break that bond so hopefully one day it can become a healthy bond. The sick bond only helps to keep them sick. We recover by setting boundaries and letting go of the sick bond.
I know how hard it is and you're doing great. You've done nothing wrong. These are his consequences for his choices. It his not your job to pay his consequences.
Hugs,
MG
Anyone here can tell you I was just where you are several months ago. I can still slide right back into it too.
The only way to learn how to do it is to do it. It was really really painful for me when I first said no and did the hard things. It got easier each time I did it.
You are doing the right thing. He has been manipulating you by playing the victim.
Don't forget that he is a meth user. The drugs play a big part in his behavior. There is no helping them when they are actively using. We developed a sick bond with our sons. We have to break that bond so hopefully one day it can become a healthy bond. The sick bond only helps to keep them sick. We recover by setting boundaries and letting go of the sick bond.
I know how hard it is and you're doing great. You've done nothing wrong. These are his consequences for his choices. It his not your job to pay his consequences.
Hugs,
MG
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Devastated
Like MG and JT, I too have been where you are with your son, and yes it is difficult but doing the right thing is often not easy.
I promise you that what you are doing is absolutely the right thing - for you and for him.
When he was little and learning to walk, you had to let him fall down a lot, To pick him up each time and carry him, taught him to be dependent and did nothing to develop his walking skills.
Our boys are very sick, and the only way they will ever get better is to pay the consequences for their actions and get so tired of being sick that they will make an effort to get well.
We, too, must take action to get well. We are also sick and can no longer take the easy way out...it just prolongs the sickness.
When I feel like you do, I pray a lot. I talk to God and ask him to help me and to help my son get through our illnesses. I pray and pray and eventually let God handle everything.
Aslo, I keep busy doing other things, so that I do not obsess about my son. When I focus on happier things and myself, I get stronger and wiser and more capable of dealing with life on life's terms.
My prayers are with you and your son. Just do the best you can and do whatever you can to work on your recovery. So far, I think you are doing a darn good job.
Like MG and JT, I too have been where you are with your son, and yes it is difficult but doing the right thing is often not easy.
I promise you that what you are doing is absolutely the right thing - for you and for him.
When he was little and learning to walk, you had to let him fall down a lot, To pick him up each time and carry him, taught him to be dependent and did nothing to develop his walking skills.
Our boys are very sick, and the only way they will ever get better is to pay the consequences for their actions and get so tired of being sick that they will make an effort to get well.
We, too, must take action to get well. We are also sick and can no longer take the easy way out...it just prolongs the sickness.
When I feel like you do, I pray a lot. I talk to God and ask him to help me and to help my son get through our illnesses. I pray and pray and eventually let God handle everything.
Aslo, I keep busy doing other things, so that I do not obsess about my son. When I focus on happier things and myself, I get stronger and wiser and more capable of dealing with life on life's terms.
My prayers are with you and your son. Just do the best you can and do whatever you can to work on your recovery. So far, I think you are doing a darn good job.
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Just Tired; Morning Glory; Anns
Thank you all for the wonderful support you have shown me. It made me so happy that you all felt I was doing the right thing. When I hear it from you all it makes more sense to me. I'm my own worse enemy. I really try not to dwell on all this negative stuff but it always seems to creep back into my mind.
I still have not answered his calls because I'm not ready to deal with him. Starting Monday he's going to realize that I'm just not talking to him. As of now, he probably thinks we're just away for the weekend.
I dread what's coming up next! My husband will kill me if I take his call or call him. He, like you all, is very wise. He cannot understand what part of this I don't get. Like Anns said it gets easier to say no once you can reach that point. God I pray I reach that point soon.
When I think I can't babysit for the baby because of the damage he did, I get so angry I want to scream "look what you have done" but then I go right back to being wishy, washy.
Well, Ladies, I won't let you down.....I am not going to give in to his whinning!
For Christmas I think I will send him some self-help books. What do you think? Maybe I better get them for me instead huh?
Thank you each and every one of you wonderful ladies. You are my strengh!
Thank you all for telling me that it is not my fault...I felt and still do sometimes, feel like such a failure.
Hugs, Devastated
I still have not answered his calls because I'm not ready to deal with him. Starting Monday he's going to realize that I'm just not talking to him. As of now, he probably thinks we're just away for the weekend.
I dread what's coming up next! My husband will kill me if I take his call or call him. He, like you all, is very wise. He cannot understand what part of this I don't get. Like Anns said it gets easier to say no once you can reach that point. God I pray I reach that point soon.
When I think I can't babysit for the baby because of the damage he did, I get so angry I want to scream "look what you have done" but then I go right back to being wishy, washy.
Well, Ladies, I won't let you down.....I am not going to give in to his whinning!
For Christmas I think I will send him some self-help books. What do you think? Maybe I better get them for me instead huh?
Thank you each and every one of you wonderful ladies. You are my strengh!
Thank you all for telling me that it is not my fault...I felt and still do sometimes, feel like such a failure.
Hugs, Devastated
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Devastated,
I can't offer the widom of the other ladies who are more familiar with your situation and have lived it, but I want you to know that I have read enough of your posts to know you are NOT a failure.
Little do you know that a lot of us out here sit and read your posts and gain so much strength and knowledge. You, along with many others on here, are an inspiration to me.
So Devastated, write this down. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! And, of course, I am right....always right. Just as my children!
Love ya, gal. You hang in there. Will keep you in my prayers.
I can't offer the widom of the other ladies who are more familiar with your situation and have lived it, but I want you to know that I have read enough of your posts to know you are NOT a failure.
Little do you know that a lot of us out here sit and read your posts and gain so much strength and knowledge. You, along with many others on here, are an inspiration to me.
So Devastated, write this down. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! And, of course, I am right....always right. Just as my children!
Love ya, gal. You hang in there. Will keep you in my prayers.
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hangin In
Dear Hangin In:
Thanks for the kind words of inspiration! I hope I can stay strong...he calls every two minutes! I pray a lot to keep strong. Incidentally, I see you're from Georgia....next time around I want to be just like Scarlet O'Hara...strong! Love that gal! Hugs, Devastated
Thanks for the kind words of inspiration! I hope I can stay strong...he calls every two minutes! I pray a lot to keep strong. Incidentally, I see you're from Georgia....next time around I want to be just like Scarlet O'Hara...strong! Love that gal! Hugs, Devastated
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Devastated,
I tell ya what we'll do. As soon as we weather the present storm in our life (see the optimism there?????
), we'll rip those darn draperies down and make us a dress like nobody's ever seen!!!!
Yes, Devastated, I think Scarlett is a pretty good example. Afterall, she was going to do whatever it took (not always in the best way, but....)to take care of herself. Gosh, you reckon she was a charter member of Al Anon?...
I tell ya what we'll do. As soon as we weather the present storm in our life (see the optimism there?????
), we'll rip those darn draperies down and make us a dress like nobody's ever seen!!!!Yes, Devastated, I think Scarlett is a pretty good example. Afterall, she was going to do whatever it took (not always in the best way, but....)to take care of herself. Gosh, you reckon she was a charter member of Al Anon?...
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
Devastated -
I haven't posted over here for a while, but reading your post I had to.
I was your son 8 years ago! Not exactly the same situation but I was an active meth user who thought she did not have a problem, everything was someone elses fault. And my mom owed it to me to be there for me, no matte what unreasonable/reasonable thing I wanted.
What you are doing, the way you are handling things, is best for you and for him...beleive that in your heart.
When my mom stopped, it was the best thing she ever did for both of us!!
God Bless you and your family,
and how bout you get two copies, 1 for you and 1 for him LOL!!!
Love and hugs to you - the holidays will be hard, but think of all the disappointed times. I can say that cuase I know, I did it too!!!
I haven't posted over here for a while, but reading your post I had to.
I was your son 8 years ago! Not exactly the same situation but I was an active meth user who thought she did not have a problem, everything was someone elses fault. And my mom owed it to me to be there for me, no matte what unreasonable/reasonable thing I wanted.
What you are doing, the way you are handling things, is best for you and for him...beleive that in your heart.
When my mom stopped, it was the best thing she ever did for both of us!!
God Bless you and your family,
and how bout you get two copies, 1 for you and 1 for him LOL!!!
Love and hugs to you - the holidays will be hard, but think of all the disappointed times. I can say that cuase I know, I did it too!!!
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Pauline
Hi Pauline:
Thanks for your reply to my post...everyone of the wonderful friends I have made on this site have told me I'm doing the right thing. However, God give me strength to continue not answering! Especially when he says "why won't you answer?" and "Mom, I love you!" Then I think, yeah, right, more manipulation! He doesn't know what love is or means or he wouldn't have done all this horrible stuff.
Again, Pauline, I'm so happy there is a success story out there and you are it! Congratulations, wish I was your Mother!
How long will it take for him to see the light????
Hugs, Devastated
Thanks for your reply to my post...everyone of the wonderful friends I have made on this site have told me I'm doing the right thing. However, God give me strength to continue not answering! Especially when he says "why won't you answer?" and "Mom, I love you!" Then I think, yeah, right, more manipulation! He doesn't know what love is or means or he wouldn't have done all this horrible stuff.
Again, Pauline, I'm so happy there is a success story out there and you are it! Congratulations, wish I was your Mother!
How long will it take for him to see the light????
Hugs, Devastated
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
Wow - You made me cry!!!
I wish I would tell you when your son is going to pull his head of XXXXXXXoops, you know what I mean!
But you know I can't, i know that was not a question...but if I could answer it I would.
Keep praying for him, pray that he has a moment of clarity and listens to God in his heart!
I manipulated my mom so much you would not belive it. One example, I knew that if I went over there and had dinner with her, the next day she would pay my rent or my phone bill or something, because she thought if she said no she might not see me for another month or so, that is sick..and cold....and WRONG!!! I used a parents unconditional love to my advantage and that is what you son is doing. And believe me there was alot of other way I manipulated her also for years!!! Don't let him...be strong. We are all with you. When he calls, close your eyes and feel me holding your hand for support.
My love to you, you are a wonderful mother and a wonderful person.
I wish I would tell you when your son is going to pull his head of XXXXXXXoops, you know what I mean!
But you know I can't, i know that was not a question...but if I could answer it I would.
Keep praying for him, pray that he has a moment of clarity and listens to God in his heart!
I manipulated my mom so much you would not belive it. One example, I knew that if I went over there and had dinner with her, the next day she would pay my rent or my phone bill or something, because she thought if she said no she might not see me for another month or so, that is sick..and cold....and WRONG!!! I used a parents unconditional love to my advantage and that is what you son is doing. And believe me there was alot of other way I manipulated her also for years!!! Don't let him...be strong. We are all with you. When he calls, close your eyes and feel me holding your hand for support.
My love to you, you are a wonderful mother and a wonderful person.
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