struggling....
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Canberra, Australia
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struggling....
Tonight i fought with my partner... first time we have fought in 3 years and now im sitting at the computer sobbing... why? because we fought about my mother, who has been an alcoholic for over 20 years....
Why is it that no matter what she does i always defend her with such venom.. and guilt?
I dont think in my 23 years of life that i can remember one good sober memory of my mother yet i love her so much it hurts....
I stood by her when my father left... when my twin sister left (worst day of my life when i watched my sister drive away)... when i was trapped in a room with a baseball bat because her ex boyfriend was drunk and tried to brake into our house... when she slapped me when she was drunk because i called the police when her ex boyfriend got in and tried to kill her... when she spat at me (ive lost count of the times).... when she got kicked out of my year 12 graduation for drunkenly abusing my teachers.... when she almost died in hospital from alcohol related problems only to start drinking when she was released.....god there are so many times that i have held back the tears and bundled my mother up in my arms and taken her home from funerals, wedding, bars, parties, church events, even parent teacher nights.... because she had gotten so drunk she screamed abuse at people and she was either forcefully removed from the venue or i became so embarressed i almost cried.
I feel like i will never brake free of the guilt, the shame and the constant ache in my heart knowing that she may never get through this....
Why is it that no matter what she does i always defend her with such venom.. and guilt?
I dont think in my 23 years of life that i can remember one good sober memory of my mother yet i love her so much it hurts....
I stood by her when my father left... when my twin sister left (worst day of my life when i watched my sister drive away)... when i was trapped in a room with a baseball bat because her ex boyfriend was drunk and tried to brake into our house... when she slapped me when she was drunk because i called the police when her ex boyfriend got in and tried to kill her... when she spat at me (ive lost count of the times).... when she got kicked out of my year 12 graduation for drunkenly abusing my teachers.... when she almost died in hospital from alcohol related problems only to start drinking when she was released.....god there are so many times that i have held back the tears and bundled my mother up in my arms and taken her home from funerals, wedding, bars, parties, church events, even parent teacher nights.... because she had gotten so drunk she screamed abuse at people and she was either forcefully removed from the venue or i became so embarressed i almost cried.
I feel like i will never brake free of the guilt, the shame and the constant ache in my heart knowing that she may never get through this....
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Canberra, Australia
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for so long i thought it didnt effect me..... i was so busy trying to act like everything was ok that i never knew how much it was hurting inside....
So i guess im not doing .... well i think im ok .. just writing that message and crying while i wrote it helped a little... it just hurts.
So i guess im not doing .... well i think im ok .. just writing that message and crying while i wrote it helped a little... it just hurts.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
(((crystal_dove)))
I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting so much. There is loads of info on here about dealing with the effects of alcoholism - also there is an Adult Children of Alcoholics board a bit further down the main page.
Keep posting - it does help.
I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting so much. There is loads of info on here about dealing with the effects of alcoholism - also there is an Adult Children of Alcoholics board a bit further down the main page.
Keep posting - it does help.
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Canberra, Australia
Posts: 9
thanks, its feels better just being in this forum... i just wish my partner understood... he cant understand why i stand by her after everything that has happened... and despite that what he says about her is the truth it just hurts so much....
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Canberra, Australia
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thankyou so much, i know i will find my way eventually... i guess its just so hard to see past the pain... i just want so much for her to get better... i want the mother back i had for such a short time... but i know i cant make her better... its something she needs to do for herself...
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
(((CD))) Hello; sorry about how you are feeling. Feeling like that is what got me here,too. Stick around : read amd post. There will be people along soon with lots of good practical advice. I think everyone here has been where you are.
One important thing I learned about alcoholism/addiction is what are sometimes called the 3 C's: "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it." Believe that. It took me a long time to, somedays I still have to "re-learn" it, at least remind myself of these facts. I guess I started by thinking that no matter what my A said ; I didn't "make" him drink............it is an illness.
It is very,very difficult; I know. You have found some help coming here.
One important thing I learned about alcoholism/addiction is what are sometimes called the 3 C's: "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it." Believe that. It took me a long time to, somedays I still have to "re-learn" it, at least remind myself of these facts. I guess I started by thinking that no matter what my A said ; I didn't "make" him drink............it is an illness.
It is very,very difficult; I know. You have found some help coming here.
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Canberra, Australia
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[QUOTE=Pick-a-name](((CD)))
I guess I started by thinking that no matter what my A said ; I didn't "make" him drink............it is an illness.
Even though i know i didnt make her drink it still hurts me that i cant help her get better... i studied psychology and counselling... and still i cant make it better... and i know its not my fault but its so hard to watch someone i love so much struggle.... and fall deeper and deeper into this spiral
I guess I started by thinking that no matter what my A said ; I didn't "make" him drink............it is an illness.
Even though i know i didnt make her drink it still hurts me that i cant help her get better... i studied psychology and counselling... and still i cant make it better... and i know its not my fault but its so hard to watch someone i love so much struggle.... and fall deeper and deeper into this spiral
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Hi Crystal Dove.... Welcome to SR... we are glad you found us!
My Mother was an Alcholic too... I can remember SO many times of being embarrased, of the violence in our home, of calling the police cuz someone was going to get hurt... Of the physical abuse that she gave me which was only outdone by the emotional/mental abuse... Not to mention the 5 or so years of thearphy to learn to detach and love again.
I guess with a parent its hard, I had the guilt too and the feeling of being unable to "fix" the problem... it took me along time to realize this was her life and her problems to fix... not mine. That just because she is my mother did not mean I would be the same (almost did not have a child because of that) or that there was no help for how I felt. You can love her, accept her and detach too... I know, that is what I had to do.
My Mom passed about 1 1/2 years ago, she still drank at the end but over the last 10 years ... with distance and patience and alot of work... we became friends.
For me it was mourning the loss of a mother, of the relationship I thought a mother and daughter should have. It was resentment because of how she treated me and then I would feel guilt over resenting her. It was being outraged that she could be so giving and loving with other children and yet so violent with me and then the guilt again for being outraged... it was the feeling of worthlessness because I was not good enough for her to treat me like I could see that she was capable of treating my sister... and again the guilt of being jealous. See all that guilt is because I would not allow myself to feel what was real. Once I got real with myself the guilt went away... when I got real about her... the resentment and anger went away and I was able to grow.
She does not love herself, therefore she struggles with loving in general.... Its not that she does not love you, its that she does not love you the way YOU want to be loved. Its not that she is not living her life... its that she is not living it the way YOU think she should. I had to have faith that her life was in the hands of her and God.... that there is a reason and that Its was not about me. That the reason I went through all that is for a very good reason.... to create who I am... one day I might really know what all the reason was... but for today I will have faith that God has the plan and there are reasons.
I hope that helps some... try Al-anon, you will get soo much support and education ... a personal Therapist really helped with my growth .... I think all in all I have about 10 years worth of therapy... but Im worth it.
My Mother was an Alcholic too... I can remember SO many times of being embarrased, of the violence in our home, of calling the police cuz someone was going to get hurt... Of the physical abuse that she gave me which was only outdone by the emotional/mental abuse... Not to mention the 5 or so years of thearphy to learn to detach and love again.
I guess with a parent its hard, I had the guilt too and the feeling of being unable to "fix" the problem... it took me along time to realize this was her life and her problems to fix... not mine. That just because she is my mother did not mean I would be the same (almost did not have a child because of that) or that there was no help for how I felt. You can love her, accept her and detach too... I know, that is what I had to do.
My Mom passed about 1 1/2 years ago, she still drank at the end but over the last 10 years ... with distance and patience and alot of work... we became friends.
For me it was mourning the loss of a mother, of the relationship I thought a mother and daughter should have. It was resentment because of how she treated me and then I would feel guilt over resenting her. It was being outraged that she could be so giving and loving with other children and yet so violent with me and then the guilt again for being outraged... it was the feeling of worthlessness because I was not good enough for her to treat me like I could see that she was capable of treating my sister... and again the guilt of being jealous. See all that guilt is because I would not allow myself to feel what was real. Once I got real with myself the guilt went away... when I got real about her... the resentment and anger went away and I was able to grow.
She does not love herself, therefore she struggles with loving in general.... Its not that she does not love you, its that she does not love you the way YOU want to be loved. Its not that she is not living her life... its that she is not living it the way YOU think she should. I had to have faith that her life was in the hands of her and God.... that there is a reason and that Its was not about me. That the reason I went through all that is for a very good reason.... to create who I am... one day I might really know what all the reason was... but for today I will have faith that God has the plan and there are reasons.
I hope that helps some... try Al-anon, you will get soo much support and education ... a personal Therapist really helped with my growth .... I think all in all I have about 10 years worth of therapy... but Im worth it.
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Welcome Crystal Dove, this is a great group of people that care and know what you are going through. I just watched the movie "IN Her Shoes" and it had so many paralells to my life. My mother suffered from mental illness - mostly depression. She was unpredictable and difficult throughout my childhood. Then she committed suicide. So I know about feeling guilty and about wanting a different kind of mother -daughter relationship. Today, my husband suffers from Alcoholism. It is so painful to watch him suffer and slide down the spiral.
Many of the things I learned in Alanon, took awhile to "take". They sound simple in the beginning but they are hard to incorporate into your life. Go to Alanon, it really helps. You can do this for you. Take care.
Many of the things I learned in Alanon, took awhile to "take". They sound simple in the beginning but they are hard to incorporate into your life. Go to Alanon, it really helps. You can do this for you. Take care.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Hi Crystal, Welcome to Sr. My heart goes out to you for having to deal with this from such an early age. The reason you defend her is because you love her. Regardless, of what she has done she is your mother and you love her. I know first hand what it is like to watch someone drink, my father drank himself to death when I was 16. I will say a pray that it doesn't coming to this for your Mom. Everyone here has given you great advice. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Try to be good to yourself and focus on the good things in your life. I know it is hard but try to find some inner peace. Hopefully, someday your mom may want to quit, but it has to come from her. Keep coming back here and find a alon meeting for you. Just know that you are not alone, many of us have been where you are. Take Care and keep posting it does help. With love, Kerry
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by crystal_dove
Even though i know i didnt make her drink it still hurts me that i cant help her get better...and still i cant make it better... and i know its not my fault but its so hard to watch someone i love so much struggle.... and fall deeper and deeper into this spiral
Yes; I know..........so much easier said than done. I struggle to detatch...a million times every day. That is one reason why I am here: to see how it is done by the people who have figured out how to do it; and to see the results of being able to do it. It gives me some hope and encouragement. I'm right down here in the pits with you. Take care!
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Canberra, Australia
Posts: 9
[QUOTE=Cynay]For me it was mourning the loss of a mother, of the relationship I thought a mother and daughter should have. It was resentment because of how she treated me and then I would feel guilt over resenting her. It was being outraged that she could be so giving and loving with other children and yet so violent with me and then the guilt again for being outraged... it was the feeling of worthlessness because I was not good enough for her to treat me like I could see that she was capable of treating my sister... and again the guilt of being jealous. See all that guilt is because I would not allow myself to feel what was real. ...
QUOTE]
Wow, you just explained my struggle to a T...
For such a long time, although my sister felt the effects of my mothers alcoholism, i was the one who caught the brunt of the emotional abuse....
For so long i couldnt bring myself to go to an alanon meeting because i thought i was ok with it...now just being here has made me realise that its ok to feel angrey, sad, dissapointed .... and that so many others have felt the same. Thankyou all so much for your posts, i am currently in the process of finding a alanon meeting in my area.
QUOTE]
Wow, you just explained my struggle to a T...
For such a long time, although my sister felt the effects of my mothers alcoholism, i was the one who caught the brunt of the emotional abuse....
For so long i couldnt bring myself to go to an alanon meeting because i thought i was ok with it...now just being here has made me realise that its ok to feel angrey, sad, dissapointed .... and that so many others have felt the same. Thankyou all so much for your posts, i am currently in the process of finding a alanon meeting in my area.
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