Equus and others
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 14
Equus and others
Equus says…. It's time to stop planning - now the doing starts!
I hope you are not planning on staying away long.... wouldn’t ya know… I am so close to where you are right now it’s eerie…. I have been going thru all sorts of things like you have with the dual diagnosis, etc. I have somehow managed to get my AH to go to see a Psychologist and he has been diagnosed with various psychosis including but not limited to Schizophrenia, paranoid disorder, etc. Although he was only 4 weeks or so sober…. That was as good as it was going to get… to even begin some kind of diagnosis and proper therapy. I see Avoidant and Narcissistic everyday, it’s very complicated and he also has a horrible problem with communication. Unfortunately, we cannot talk about any issues. We have not discussed and/or dealt with a single issue since our marriage began nearly 5 yers ago. YIKES!!!
Frankly, I have spent hundreds upon hundreds of hours trying to make sense of what has been going on in our home. I have scoured websites, been to counseling, Al-anon… you name it… even SMART. As a matter of fact, that’s where it all began for me and my AH nearly 3 years ago now. He tried the SMART recovery group. If his problem had just been alcoholism he probably would have succeeded…. But it’s not.
I envy that your husband is willing to discuss things with you and apparently has the desire to get better. It seems as though he is accepting of the help and your support. My husband is not…. He is willing to admit he is an alcoholic… but denies his alcoholic behavior. He is willing to admit he is Psychotic…. But denies any psychotic behavior. Although he has been an A and psychotic for some many years and we have only been together less than 5 years…. He points his finger at me. Well, of course…. He’s psychotic!!!
My husbands recovery depends upon his mental health therapy, (of which he is solely responsible for). EEEK! He has been to see the doc 5 times, which is a miracle. He possibly just thinks he has lots to tell on me for.
I admit I was most gullible in the area of alcoholism, as I had never been around it. No one in my family is an alcoholic that I know of.
I think about this person that I dated and know now that he was pretending. He doesn’t believe the things he said he believed, he doesn’t have the values he purported, he doesn’t care about others as he claimed…. He made up a world that would look good to me and then once I married him… the truth was set free to reek havok.
In July, I had had enough of it (I could write volumes of stories of the unkind, malicious, backstabbing, avoidant, anti social, car accidents, cigarette burns….. I’m sure you get my drift, so I won’t) I had prayed and prayed and did my best to let go of any attachment. Then I went on vacation without him. While gone, he got a DWI and had to do public service, attend DWI classes, pay fines, report to a probation officer for 1 year, attend group counseling (chose AA because he couldn’t face going back to the SMART group) and have an Interlock device on his vehicle. Well he did ok (not drinking) for the first month…. Til the mental health issues just wouldn’t let him be at peace and not drink. So he drank and got caught. His choice was to get into inpatient and ongoing therapy or go to jail. He has chosen therapy. Now after 3 weeks he is in a halfway house and will be there some time. He questions my support.
Last week I received a call on his business cell from an old "girlfriend" of his…. I did not know who she was til I returned the call…When I did, she acted like a deer caught in the headlights. She lied about calling but the next day called again and lied again, she even had her "boyfriend" call to lie for her about some borrowed money. Regardless, on Sunday night, when I was sick with a 102 temperature, she called and left a message telling me off….. I mean swearing, calling me names, accusing me of having my AH put in jail, claiming she knows everything I have put him thru all this time?????? She states that they have been together for 20 years….and to top it off she referred to herself as the "original" MRS. A.!!!! etc…etc…etc . Of course I have it all on tape and have already have it downloaded to CD’s!!!
I confronted my AH with the phone calls and had saved them so he cold hear the lies and nastiness for himself. I suggested he straighten out this situation. He agreed we would call her by last Friday. (Of, course, I also have that on tape). Saturday I left him a message asking when will the original Mrs. A be coming to get his stuff? I have not heard from him. I have not called him since.
It looks as if I will be rambling around in this big ole home on my own for now (except for my 80 year old mom living in an adjoining apartment)… and paying for it all too….ouch!!!
Decisions….. that’s all there is to do now… just make hard decisions.
Having others to bounce things off of would really be of help to me, at this, my hour of need.
OMGdess
I hope you are not planning on staying away long.... wouldn’t ya know… I am so close to where you are right now it’s eerie…. I have been going thru all sorts of things like you have with the dual diagnosis, etc. I have somehow managed to get my AH to go to see a Psychologist and he has been diagnosed with various psychosis including but not limited to Schizophrenia, paranoid disorder, etc. Although he was only 4 weeks or so sober…. That was as good as it was going to get… to even begin some kind of diagnosis and proper therapy. I see Avoidant and Narcissistic everyday, it’s very complicated and he also has a horrible problem with communication. Unfortunately, we cannot talk about any issues. We have not discussed and/or dealt with a single issue since our marriage began nearly 5 yers ago. YIKES!!!
Frankly, I have spent hundreds upon hundreds of hours trying to make sense of what has been going on in our home. I have scoured websites, been to counseling, Al-anon… you name it… even SMART. As a matter of fact, that’s where it all began for me and my AH nearly 3 years ago now. He tried the SMART recovery group. If his problem had just been alcoholism he probably would have succeeded…. But it’s not.
I envy that your husband is willing to discuss things with you and apparently has the desire to get better. It seems as though he is accepting of the help and your support. My husband is not…. He is willing to admit he is an alcoholic… but denies his alcoholic behavior. He is willing to admit he is Psychotic…. But denies any psychotic behavior. Although he has been an A and psychotic for some many years and we have only been together less than 5 years…. He points his finger at me. Well, of course…. He’s psychotic!!!
My husbands recovery depends upon his mental health therapy, (of which he is solely responsible for). EEEK! He has been to see the doc 5 times, which is a miracle. He possibly just thinks he has lots to tell on me for.
I admit I was most gullible in the area of alcoholism, as I had never been around it. No one in my family is an alcoholic that I know of.
I think about this person that I dated and know now that he was pretending. He doesn’t believe the things he said he believed, he doesn’t have the values he purported, he doesn’t care about others as he claimed…. He made up a world that would look good to me and then once I married him… the truth was set free to reek havok.
In July, I had had enough of it (I could write volumes of stories of the unkind, malicious, backstabbing, avoidant, anti social, car accidents, cigarette burns….. I’m sure you get my drift, so I won’t) I had prayed and prayed and did my best to let go of any attachment. Then I went on vacation without him. While gone, he got a DWI and had to do public service, attend DWI classes, pay fines, report to a probation officer for 1 year, attend group counseling (chose AA because he couldn’t face going back to the SMART group) and have an Interlock device on his vehicle. Well he did ok (not drinking) for the first month…. Til the mental health issues just wouldn’t let him be at peace and not drink. So he drank and got caught. His choice was to get into inpatient and ongoing therapy or go to jail. He has chosen therapy. Now after 3 weeks he is in a halfway house and will be there some time. He questions my support.
Last week I received a call on his business cell from an old "girlfriend" of his…. I did not know who she was til I returned the call…When I did, she acted like a deer caught in the headlights. She lied about calling but the next day called again and lied again, she even had her "boyfriend" call to lie for her about some borrowed money. Regardless, on Sunday night, when I was sick with a 102 temperature, she called and left a message telling me off….. I mean swearing, calling me names, accusing me of having my AH put in jail, claiming she knows everything I have put him thru all this time?????? She states that they have been together for 20 years….and to top it off she referred to herself as the "original" MRS. A.!!!! etc…etc…etc . Of course I have it all on tape and have already have it downloaded to CD’s!!!
I confronted my AH with the phone calls and had saved them so he cold hear the lies and nastiness for himself. I suggested he straighten out this situation. He agreed we would call her by last Friday. (Of, course, I also have that on tape). Saturday I left him a message asking when will the original Mrs. A be coming to get his stuff? I have not heard from him. I have not called him since.
It looks as if I will be rambling around in this big ole home on my own for now (except for my 80 year old mom living in an adjoining apartment)… and paying for it all too….ouch!!!
Decisions….. that’s all there is to do now… just make hard decisions.
Having others to bounce things off of would really be of help to me, at this, my hour of need.
OMGdess
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
It sounds as if you have been through a lot. From reading your post I am not sure I can determine why you would want to stay in a relationship like this one. Does this relationship have any benefits for you at all ... or just never ending misery? You seem to have been seriously mislead from the beginning and did not end up married to the man you thought you were getting.
I have read many times that there is a strong relationship between mental illness and alcoholism. It can be so confusing sometimes to determine which came first.. the drinking or the mental health issue? Do they drink because they don't feel normal or do they feel bad because of all the problems drinking creates? My Dad was an alcoholic that was a chronic liar even when not drinking and felt he needed that drink to feel confident. My A husband says he has always felt unusual anxiety. He always has an "excuse" for drinking ... stress, pain, depression, having difficult people around him ... but after researching this, these all are classic "excuses" an alcoholic gives so he can justify drinking. In reality, he doesn't have any different problems than most people his age do. He is always complaining about something and has always blamed anything and everyone around him to for the problems he experiences - sober or not. It seems to be a big part of his inability to face his demons and get healthy - he just can't accept the fact he isn't always right, he makes mistakes and learn to live with it like most people do. Like you I have wondered what the real underlying problem is ... the drinking or his mental and emotional issues. I once read that one difference between someone with serious drinking problems and one that doesn't is their self-awareness of how they behave when drinking. When a normal person drinks, they can tell when they start to act differently, talk funny ... etc. A problem drinker will not be as aware of the fact their behavior is odd and noticably changed. The underlying reason for this unknown.
It is a puzzling situation with no single answer. I believe some alcoholics are just normal people that get addicted to alcohol ... however, there does seem to be a certain percentage that have pychological problems closely associated with the need to "medicate" with alcohol.
Since the problem is out of your control, why don't you can take some time to take care of yourself and take the focus off of him. Do something positive for yourself and your own well being.
I have read many times that there is a strong relationship between mental illness and alcoholism. It can be so confusing sometimes to determine which came first.. the drinking or the mental health issue? Do they drink because they don't feel normal or do they feel bad because of all the problems drinking creates? My Dad was an alcoholic that was a chronic liar even when not drinking and felt he needed that drink to feel confident. My A husband says he has always felt unusual anxiety. He always has an "excuse" for drinking ... stress, pain, depression, having difficult people around him ... but after researching this, these all are classic "excuses" an alcoholic gives so he can justify drinking. In reality, he doesn't have any different problems than most people his age do. He is always complaining about something and has always blamed anything and everyone around him to for the problems he experiences - sober or not. It seems to be a big part of his inability to face his demons and get healthy - he just can't accept the fact he isn't always right, he makes mistakes and learn to live with it like most people do. Like you I have wondered what the real underlying problem is ... the drinking or his mental and emotional issues. I once read that one difference between someone with serious drinking problems and one that doesn't is their self-awareness of how they behave when drinking. When a normal person drinks, they can tell when they start to act differently, talk funny ... etc. A problem drinker will not be as aware of the fact their behavior is odd and noticably changed. The underlying reason for this unknown.
It is a puzzling situation with no single answer. I believe some alcoholics are just normal people that get addicted to alcohol ... however, there does seem to be a certain percentage that have pychological problems closely associated with the need to "medicate" with alcohol.
Since the problem is out of your control, why don't you can take some time to take care of yourself and take the focus off of him. Do something positive for yourself and your own well being.
MGdss
It sounds like you have a lot to contend with. I hope you are taking care of yourself.
I kept trying to compare what I know about equus relationship with her H and yours with your H and it seems a lot different in that equus and her H are working together.Right now it does not look that that is happening with you and your H.
So it seems like you are going to have to take care of your life at least right now and your mom is in the picture too. Keep posting. I am sure others will be along to support you too and I hope one of them is equus....
It sounds like you have a lot to contend with. I hope you are taking care of yourself.
I kept trying to compare what I know about equus relationship with her H and yours with your H and it seems a lot different in that equus and her H are working together.Right now it does not look that that is happening with you and your H.
So it seems like you are going to have to take care of your life at least right now and your mom is in the picture too. Keep posting. I am sure others will be along to support you too and I hope one of them is equus....
Even if you confront an A with cold, hard facts...
... they will deny the truth because that is the very nature of the disease. If you keep trying to prove to him how nasty he is, what he's done wrong, etc., he'll simply avoid it. Alcoholism is all about avoidance of healthy reality and dealing with life on life's terms.
We who are living with an active A bear the brunt of the consequences while they merrily go off to live in laa-laa land and take no responsibility for making other people's lives miserable.
The one thing I truly hate about an active alcoholic is their lack of courage or ability (and psychotic avoidance) to face their problems. They prefer to drown everyone and everything out in a bottle of booze. Yeah, I know it's a disease. But nobody walks into a store to buy a bottle of cancer like they do a bottle of booze.
You have support and understanding here. Keep posting .... believe me, it will keep you sane during those moments when you really think you're losing it!!!
We who are living with an active A bear the brunt of the consequences while they merrily go off to live in laa-laa land and take no responsibility for making other people's lives miserable.
The one thing I truly hate about an active alcoholic is their lack of courage or ability (and psychotic avoidance) to face their problems. They prefer to drown everyone and everything out in a bottle of booze. Yeah, I know it's a disease. But nobody walks into a store to buy a bottle of cancer like they do a bottle of booze.
You have support and understanding here. Keep posting .... believe me, it will keep you sane during those moments when you really think you're losing it!!!
He made up a world that would look good to me and then once I married him… the truth was set free to reek havok.
Like you, I did all the footwork to get my ex help. But he didn't want it really. Within a month of me leaving he was on-line trying to find my replacement and when that went pear-shaped last month, he went back to counselling to try and save that relationship. But he is not really interested in getting help for himself.
I have found that if I put the same energy I used trying to help him into working on myself, life gets so much easier. That's not to say that I don't still read a lot about alcoholism and PDs, but there is a much better balance in my life today.
Keep posting - your story is vitally important.
OMGdess.
I'm going to try to word this carefully - if it still comes out wrong give me a chance to explain again.
I can understand why you wrote this because the feeling of isolation is big. I read statistics on the levels of mental health problems in connection with addiction and I know we are far from alone - here or anywhere dealing with addiction.
Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs that the brain is JUST an organ. I know it's one we hold so dear, I know it's one we feel represents 'us' (or contains the information that makes 'us') but it is still just flesh, blood and chemicals. It's not immune to illness, physical influences or treatment, no more than the heart, and yet how we 'feel' about mental illness is so different from our feelings towards heart disease.
It isn't black and white - bouncing between seeing someone as blamelessly ill or totally responsible is pointless. In reality there's some responsibility ALWAYS on the individual, but things also get influenced by the illness. That responsibility at whatever level is always there, it's what makes a person a person.
One of the first things I did when D told me he had experienced mental health problems (he told me like a big confession before he would accept a 'yes' answer to marriage) was to use a mental health forum. It didn't take me long to realise just as in any other group there were those who I found difficult, agressive, uncompassionate, self centred, or just plain abusive. I don't want to spend my time with people like that - I want to learn to treat them well and stop myself saying I don't like them, BUT I don't want to seek them out as company. On the other hand there were people who showed enormous compassion and generosity, and some who were determined to get well, others who I wished were as determined but who had lost hope in it and confidence in their ability to fight it.
And then there was D - he made me laugh, his courage blew my mind, his compassion gives me a fine example to aspire to and going home to him is always going home to my husband, someone I respect. That is my marriage, not illness or health, without that I don't know what I would have. Could I stay married to someone without it? I don't know, I can't imagine that because my only concept of marriage is that respect. I can't imagine that it could be replaced by anything else, not compassion, not sympathy or empathy - they don't make a marriage they are things that should apply to any other human being - but they don't mean you are married to every other human!! What makes marriage over and above the positive feelings I believe I should hold towards all people is that respect and sense that he is very much my husband. I wouldn't swap him for anyone else because he is my husband and in my heart that word means the same as the feeling I have coming home to him - someone I would chose tomorrow as fast as I did then because he blows my mind with who he is.
I'm trying to say something that's so hard to wrap words round. No-one is just an illness, people stay a person but the flip side to that is I couldn't be with just any kind of person. I know I couldn't stay with physical abuse or being called names or even coming home to someone who hasn't got compassion for other people.
In the worst of times D has been paranoid and thought some dreadful things - he thought I'd told his Mum he was violent (believe me if you knew him you would know how stupid that is!), he thought I would leave him, he thought I might be picking up fellas while in Portugal. That was illness - it had NO base in reality but he reacted to it as though it was real. He was angry and hurt and confused and frightened but he still kept saying he loved me, he still didn't call me names, he still got upset that I was upset. Because he was ill he reacted to something that never happened but despite his feelings being the same as if it had happened he still didn't lose compassion - he hurt like hell but he didn't lose compassion. If someone agressive had been ill in the same way I don't doubt they would be agressive and abusive, their reacyions would be as though the imagined thing was real and if they were someone who could justify their own violence I'm sure that would be the case - but then if they were that person I couldn't call them my husband because I couldn't understand someone violent in that place for me.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say except that the core of our marriage feels just as it should be. To people looking in it might seem odd for D to be dependent on me sometimes but my husband is the man not the illness, and for the man I have the upmost respect and love. Illness, alcoholism, and anything else a person can think of aside, that respect and love is my whole concept of marriage, I would rather have that with D than be with someone an outsider would call 'healthy' and not have that feeling. I would rather be single than live 'married' to someone without that feeling. I know I'm lucky, I know that every night as we go to sleep and every morning when we wake up. I feel like it's something as rare as the lottery jackpot!!
I suppose I'm saying that I don't stay with him because he's ill and I would never imagine that would be fair to expect someone else to do either.
I'm going to try to word this carefully - if it still comes out wrong give me a chance to explain again.
I can understand why you wrote this because the feeling of isolation is big. I read statistics on the levels of mental health problems in connection with addiction and I know we are far from alone - here or anywhere dealing with addiction.
Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs that the brain is JUST an organ. I know it's one we hold so dear, I know it's one we feel represents 'us' (or contains the information that makes 'us') but it is still just flesh, blood and chemicals. It's not immune to illness, physical influences or treatment, no more than the heart, and yet how we 'feel' about mental illness is so different from our feelings towards heart disease.
It isn't black and white - bouncing between seeing someone as blamelessly ill or totally responsible is pointless. In reality there's some responsibility ALWAYS on the individual, but things also get influenced by the illness. That responsibility at whatever level is always there, it's what makes a person a person.
One of the first things I did when D told me he had experienced mental health problems (he told me like a big confession before he would accept a 'yes' answer to marriage) was to use a mental health forum. It didn't take me long to realise just as in any other group there were those who I found difficult, agressive, uncompassionate, self centred, or just plain abusive. I don't want to spend my time with people like that - I want to learn to treat them well and stop myself saying I don't like them, BUT I don't want to seek them out as company. On the other hand there were people who showed enormous compassion and generosity, and some who were determined to get well, others who I wished were as determined but who had lost hope in it and confidence in their ability to fight it.
And then there was D - he made me laugh, his courage blew my mind, his compassion gives me a fine example to aspire to and going home to him is always going home to my husband, someone I respect. That is my marriage, not illness or health, without that I don't know what I would have. Could I stay married to someone without it? I don't know, I can't imagine that because my only concept of marriage is that respect. I can't imagine that it could be replaced by anything else, not compassion, not sympathy or empathy - they don't make a marriage they are things that should apply to any other human being - but they don't mean you are married to every other human!! What makes marriage over and above the positive feelings I believe I should hold towards all people is that respect and sense that he is very much my husband. I wouldn't swap him for anyone else because he is my husband and in my heart that word means the same as the feeling I have coming home to him - someone I would chose tomorrow as fast as I did then because he blows my mind with who he is.
I'm trying to say something that's so hard to wrap words round. No-one is just an illness, people stay a person but the flip side to that is I couldn't be with just any kind of person. I know I couldn't stay with physical abuse or being called names or even coming home to someone who hasn't got compassion for other people.
In the worst of times D has been paranoid and thought some dreadful things - he thought I'd told his Mum he was violent (believe me if you knew him you would know how stupid that is!), he thought I would leave him, he thought I might be picking up fellas while in Portugal. That was illness - it had NO base in reality but he reacted to it as though it was real. He was angry and hurt and confused and frightened but he still kept saying he loved me, he still didn't call me names, he still got upset that I was upset. Because he was ill he reacted to something that never happened but despite his feelings being the same as if it had happened he still didn't lose compassion - he hurt like hell but he didn't lose compassion. If someone agressive had been ill in the same way I don't doubt they would be agressive and abusive, their reacyions would be as though the imagined thing was real and if they were someone who could justify their own violence I'm sure that would be the case - but then if they were that person I couldn't call them my husband because I couldn't understand someone violent in that place for me.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say except that the core of our marriage feels just as it should be. To people looking in it might seem odd for D to be dependent on me sometimes but my husband is the man not the illness, and for the man I have the upmost respect and love. Illness, alcoholism, and anything else a person can think of aside, that respect and love is my whole concept of marriage, I would rather have that with D than be with someone an outsider would call 'healthy' and not have that feeling. I would rather be single than live 'married' to someone without that feeling. I know I'm lucky, I know that every night as we go to sleep and every morning when we wake up. I feel like it's something as rare as the lottery jackpot!!
I suppose I'm saying that I don't stay with him because he's ill and I would never imagine that would be fair to expect someone else to do either.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 14
Seeking Wisdom,
I guess, partly, I have stayed with my AH to see him get to a point where someone other than me is acknowledging his mental problems. That sounds pretty lame huh? I guess I had to know that if he were actually told by a professional that his behavior is way off base, maybe he would reconsider how he has treated me.
Today, I dropped off a copy of a bill at his office and asked why he had broken our agreement to deal with this "original Mrs. A" issue. Although I have let him know that it is very important to me and our future relationship that he address this problem, He basically said he didn’t feel like talking to her. So I left and I am closer to the truth that he would rather end our relationship than address any problem. I realized that is the way it has always been… 1)either I agree with him… 2)pretend as though there is no issue… or 3) hold my breath til I turn blue waiting for any discussion or resolution…. To nearly ANY problem we have had in our entire marriage. I have married a man who would rather his wife divorce him than say he is sorry, admit he is wrong or even mistaken about anything. Is that totally sick or what? I have been living upstairs and away from my AH for the past 6 months.
Another part is my feelings about divorce itself. Which I believe I am coming to terms with.
Another part is the financial situation. I have my mom to deal with in all of this…. She paid a good portion of the cost of adding on the apartment to the house. After losing her only 2 sons (my brothers) in the last 6 years she is finally feeling stable. Besides that, I don’t want to leave MY HOME. It’s not just my house… it’s my home. I understand that I will have to deal with the responsibilities somehow… someway. I hope to get some ideas here.
None of these are good reasons to stay in this relationship and is why I am here. To work through these few issues with some support. Living with him the past 6 months or more has been close to unbearable. Now he is in a halfway house til possibly December and that gives me some room to breathe and time to take for myself.
I have been very sick (ran a 103 temp for 3 days straight) but finally got my temp down enough to get to the Dr. for shots and pills. Haven’t missed a days work thank god. I am feeling better now and want to get my thoughts together and make my moves.
Splendra,
I saw myself in what Equus has gone thru in the way of getting help with the dual diagnosis and figuring the system out. Additionally, my AH has serious communication and socialization problems. I have gone thru much of the same thoughts and motions even without my AH working with me on it. It seems as though getting the proper mental health therapy is directly tied to the alcohol use and vice versa. I am becoming aware I’m not as good at ‘splainin as I would like to be.
Prodigal,
You are so right about trying to be rational with alcoholism. Thanks for the boost.
Minnie,
I’m sorry that you may have had to suffer what I have. My heart goes out to you. You have answered my posts a time or two and it is so appreciated. Thank you. I have so little time to post. I don’t know where you all find the time. If it’s not work, it’s my mom, if it’s not mom, it’s my daughter….etc….
Equus,
I do believe I understand some of what you are saying. I have stayed, up until this past year, because I truly just wanted him to not be afraid to admit his problems and for us to work on those things together as a couple… as husband and wife. I have said as much to him and extended my hand to him many, many times… only to have it bitten. Even when I’m leaning too far over the edge of the boat and putting my own safety at risk… he is again biting my hand and threatening to pull me in the water. I have loads of compassion…. I have lots of love to give… I could accept any problem as long as it was being shared.
I am so tired and now my ankles have swollen up to nearly twice their size…
OMGdess
I guess, partly, I have stayed with my AH to see him get to a point where someone other than me is acknowledging his mental problems. That sounds pretty lame huh? I guess I had to know that if he were actually told by a professional that his behavior is way off base, maybe he would reconsider how he has treated me.
Today, I dropped off a copy of a bill at his office and asked why he had broken our agreement to deal with this "original Mrs. A" issue. Although I have let him know that it is very important to me and our future relationship that he address this problem, He basically said he didn’t feel like talking to her. So I left and I am closer to the truth that he would rather end our relationship than address any problem. I realized that is the way it has always been… 1)either I agree with him… 2)pretend as though there is no issue… or 3) hold my breath til I turn blue waiting for any discussion or resolution…. To nearly ANY problem we have had in our entire marriage. I have married a man who would rather his wife divorce him than say he is sorry, admit he is wrong or even mistaken about anything. Is that totally sick or what? I have been living upstairs and away from my AH for the past 6 months.
Another part is my feelings about divorce itself. Which I believe I am coming to terms with.
Another part is the financial situation. I have my mom to deal with in all of this…. She paid a good portion of the cost of adding on the apartment to the house. After losing her only 2 sons (my brothers) in the last 6 years she is finally feeling stable. Besides that, I don’t want to leave MY HOME. It’s not just my house… it’s my home. I understand that I will have to deal with the responsibilities somehow… someway. I hope to get some ideas here.
None of these are good reasons to stay in this relationship and is why I am here. To work through these few issues with some support. Living with him the past 6 months or more has been close to unbearable. Now he is in a halfway house til possibly December and that gives me some room to breathe and time to take for myself.
I have been very sick (ran a 103 temp for 3 days straight) but finally got my temp down enough to get to the Dr. for shots and pills. Haven’t missed a days work thank god. I am feeling better now and want to get my thoughts together and make my moves.
Splendra,
I saw myself in what Equus has gone thru in the way of getting help with the dual diagnosis and figuring the system out. Additionally, my AH has serious communication and socialization problems. I have gone thru much of the same thoughts and motions even without my AH working with me on it. It seems as though getting the proper mental health therapy is directly tied to the alcohol use and vice versa. I am becoming aware I’m not as good at ‘splainin as I would like to be.
Prodigal,
You are so right about trying to be rational with alcoholism. Thanks for the boost.
Minnie,
I’m sorry that you may have had to suffer what I have. My heart goes out to you. You have answered my posts a time or two and it is so appreciated. Thank you. I have so little time to post. I don’t know where you all find the time. If it’s not work, it’s my mom, if it’s not mom, it’s my daughter….etc….
Equus,
I do believe I understand some of what you are saying. I have stayed, up until this past year, because I truly just wanted him to not be afraid to admit his problems and for us to work on those things together as a couple… as husband and wife. I have said as much to him and extended my hand to him many, many times… only to have it bitten. Even when I’m leaning too far over the edge of the boat and putting my own safety at risk… he is again biting my hand and threatening to pull me in the water. I have loads of compassion…. I have lots of love to give… I could accept any problem as long as it was being shared.
I am so tired and now my ankles have swollen up to nearly twice their size…
OMGdess
OMGdess
Hope you managed to get some good sleep.
I forgot to add something. I issued my ex with an ultimatum last May - get help or get out. So he went to a counsellor. Well, he did at first but I have no idea if he kept going after the first couple of months. She didn't seem to make any difference if he was. Things were still really bad between us, so I arranged for us to go to couples counselling. I can see now that I wasn't actually trying to save our relationship, or indeed him by this stage. I was trying to find someone to whom I could "hand him over" and free me up to leave. To salve my conscience, as it were.
Just wanted to share.
Hope you managed to get some good sleep.
I forgot to add something. I issued my ex with an ultimatum last May - get help or get out. So he went to a counsellor. Well, he did at first but I have no idea if he kept going after the first couple of months. She didn't seem to make any difference if he was. Things were still really bad between us, so I arranged for us to go to couples counselling. I can see now that I wasn't actually trying to save our relationship, or indeed him by this stage. I was trying to find someone to whom I could "hand him over" and free me up to leave. To salve my conscience, as it were.
Just wanted to share.
I have said as much to him and extended my hand to him many, many times… only to have it bitten. Even when I’m leaning too far over the edge of the boat and putting my own safety at risk… he is again biting my hand and threatening to pull me in the water.
I don't doubt that you have so much compassion - I just think compassion wouldn't be enough for me to keep my life tied to somebody who kept biting my hand.
In the end though I also know I don't know enough about your situation to give any real advice, just know I think you have tried so hard and I also think some things truly are impossible.
Take care and I hope you start to get some good rest.
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