bakescookies

Looks like I will be joining with you, as I think I have a son in trouble. I am the mother of 3, two boys 31 and 28 and a daughter 23, who got married last year. My oldest son has always had difficulty managing his money. We have gotten him out of alot of financial messes over the past ten years. A year ago he moved in with a friend who was looking for a roommate to help with expenses. All was great for several months, or so I thought. I know that during that time, he was not paying bills that needed attention. He kept telling me he wasn't making enought money since he was paying rent now too. Then my son quit his job and for 5 weeks we did not know where he was. His roommate never saw him, no one could reach him on his cell phone. Finally he contacted an old girlfriend who contacted us. She told us she had heard that he was using drugs, but she is not a very reliable source. Our family managed to met with my son, who said he had been living here and there and sleeping in his car on occassion. He said he was too embarrassed to go back to the condo his friend owns as he had left him holding the bag and he didn't call any of us as he knew we had helped him many times in the past and he just wasn't going to come to us again. Naturally we all said we love you and want to help you get straigtened out. His sister and her husband said he could stay with them, as he would not come home here. Everything was great for a couple of weeks. He seemed happy and was helping around the house and working out in the yard. They were watching him for any "signs" but saw nothing. He got a job and then things seemed to take a turn. The last couple of weeks his behavior has led my daughter and her husband to do some "snooping". They found a pipe, razors, baking soda and silver paper in a juke car my son said someone gave him. He said he was going to sell the car for parts and then junk the rest. My daughter tells me he has not showered in a week, he never eats meals with them now, he's coming and going at odd times, and just acting strange. When they ask questions, he gives them suspicious answers. Obviously, he can not continue to stay with the daughter.....and I know he won't come here. We do plan to confront him about this although I am sure I will get all the usual lies...."it was in the car when I bought it", "it's not my stuff", "It belongs to someone else." We are planning to speak with him this week and I am not sure exactly what to say, or NOT to say. I know that he has to want to fix and get help, we can't do it for him. I know we have to be ready to stick with what we say....tough love. Any insight on interventions, what to say, steps we should take would all be extremely helpful. We want to do what is best for him, but we know he will not see it that way. Guidance please!!!!!!

Bakescookies

roadie58

Welcome to SR. Sorry to hear of the difficulty with your 'children'. There's a lot of us adults out here still acting as kids. Many mooch housing, funds drugs, bills etc until kicked out of the nest entirely. You might want to check out Al-anon for advice on the process known as 'enabling'. I'm not saying that you're doing this, but please open your mind to the possiblity if you're still funding the lives of of any of your kids.

Rarely do people give up sleep, bathing, bill paying for booze and pot. What you describe is more likely cocaine or methamphetamine addiction. It takes a good supply of money to keep running like those drugs make us do.

Unfortunately, intervention has been sensationalized as a was to 'fix' these people. What I've learned through AA and NA is that I could not leave my addictions until I was complete ready and willing to do so myself, for my self. Some people are able to reach the 'bottom' of their lives without losing everything. Some have to suffer health and relationship problems, lose cars, homes, families, and jobs. Some have to sleep under bridges and in cars. Some die before they figure it out.

Please read some of the threads on this forum. There is pretty much something for everyone here. Become aware of the signs of drug use and what part you can reasonably take in the recovery of another person. It is a tough battle. It is life and death, literally.

I wish you and your family well in your journey.

Me, I have to work at it every day, and I am grateful for the struggle. It makes me stronger. God Bless.

Gabe

Hi BC
Welcome.
There are a lot of good threads on the Friends and Family board and the Naranon board.
The sticky posts at the top of each of those forums are especially helpful.
There are many Moms who post here who can relate to what you're going through and who share their experience, strength and hope regarding their own addicted sons and daughters.
Glad you found us.

Ann

Welcome, Bakescookies,

My son is also an addict and I know your pain. Sadly, there is nothing we can do to help them until they are ready to help themselves. But we can find our own sanity again and learn to live a healthy and happy lives regardless of how they are doing, and learn to set boundaries that protect us from the chaos of their addiction.

Please feel free to join many other moms like us on the Nar-anon boards. a few forums down on the front page. They'd love to meet you too and share this journey with you.

Hugs
Ann

bikewench

Hey Bakescookies.. (yummy pseud)

welcome to Sober Recovery...

I'm really sorry that your son has lost his way...
It's a painful thing all the way around..

There are lots of answers on SR...
I hope you stay and begin to find some solutions... for yourself...
and understanding of your son.

Blessings on you.

yoursister

Hi bakescookies,

I am a sister of a brother with addiction problems. There is always a story for everything when someone is protecting their addiction. It is really hurtful to be lied to. It can make the relationship feel very yucky. That's how I feel about my relationship with my brother now, to the point where I have had to give up going to the family home because it is too painful to face the lies, and the possibility that I will be attacked for trying to do something about the problem, and also because I am afraid of the people my brother hangs out with and allows to be at the family home. They have stolen from my mother, and yet my mother cannot set clear limits about who should be allowed to come around and who shouldn't.

I hope you and your daughter will set limits to protect yourselves. I know you love your son -- I love my brother. But I also value my own safety and the safety of my family and at this point I need to prioritize those things.

bakescookies

Thanks to all who responded to my posting. It does help to know that we are not alone is this mess.

We will be talking with my son tonight. No more lies....at least not from us. If he wants to get help it is available for him and if he chooses not to......well you already know where that leads us. We will have to let him walk away and make his choices.

As suggested I did also make a posting on the Nar Anon forum. Thanks for guiding me to that site, Ann, and thanks to all for your "words of wisdom".

I'm actually surprised that I am so calm about this. I guess helping my closest friend through her own crisis with her husband has taught me alot too! That is why we
all need to be here for each other.

Will let you know what happens next.

Thanks again!
Bakescookies

roadie58

Good call and thanks for reporting back. Prayers for your son and family go out tonight.

And I love your name! bakescookies sounds like such a friendly Mom!

tink360

i just read your post and i wish you the best of luck. it was my family who helped me see what i was doing and im thankful that there are families like yours who are willing to care enought to do the intervention. good luck and keep posting

jdreamstormjz

i am a junky and i don't know how to stop and no matter what i do this monkey stays on my back meeting church i don't know what to do other than die please help me