Pressure from X's Family

Old 10-15-2005, 07:04 PM
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Pressure from X's Family

What do I call them? My almost in-laws?

I have really tried to cut my contact down with my X's family. They love him but are in deep denial of what his problem is. Today his sister invited me over to her place for dinner. I tried not to bring him up since I told her the relationship was over for me. In the past, she has always run interference for him when I was at my wits end.

Of course dinner was all of his favorite things (her way of putting him on my mind). She tried to take my hand and lead me back down memory lane. During the course of dinner, she tried to explain to me what her brother's problem was. 'He feels that you really didn't want the relationship because you were unwilling to move in with him'. Hello!! Don't you move in with someone when the relationship is good, not to fix a relationship that is bad?

I explained to her that the only reason he wanted me to move in with him is so that he could exercise his sense of control and he would feel that he had me trapped. Why would I give up my home for someone who values me so little?

Of course she went on to tell me how much he loved me and how hard he was trying. Bull!!! If he were trying he would get help. If he loved me I wouldn't feel so unclean. He wouldn't do things to make me feel that way. This was all orchestrated and his call of course came in the middle of dinner. I didn't want to talk to him but how do you refuse when the family is pressuring you?

I told her that her brother was a grown man and needed to stand or fall on his own. I wouldn't be there to clean up his mess. The family needs to stop rescuing him from his own bull. They are enabling him and that as long as they do he won't be fit for anyone. I won't be part of it.

Ho do I make them understand that I can't save him? I don't know if they want me to save him or just take a problem off their hands. I don't know how to make it any clearer that I won't take that responsibility?

Now I'm depressed because there were some good times. Not that I think that there's a chance in hell that they will come back unless he changes. I just didn't need to be reminded. This is hard enough.
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Old 10-15-2005, 08:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Brammy
Ho do I make them understand that I can't save him? I don't know if they want me to save him or just take a problem off their hands. I don't know how to make it any clearer that I won't take that responsibility?
I know it's hard. And maybe it would have been best if you didn't go over there for dinner tonight. There is nothing wrong with remaining friends, but you have set your boundaries with him. No one understands the way that you do.

You can't make them understand. You could talk till your blue in the face....it just won't work. Just like all of us, you have to see things for yourself and apparently she just isn't seeing it.

Take care of you.
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Old 10-15-2005, 08:12 PM
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Maybe cutting off contact with his family right now would be easier for your recovery?

I couldn't do it with my exabf's family constantly making me feel guilty; I know that they used to at times, but back then I wasn't ready to leave him.

I hope you can figure out some boundaries for yourself!

Hugs,
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Old 10-15-2005, 08:32 PM
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I had started to cut down my contact with his family. I no longer spend time at his parents house thought they are angry about that. His sister was my friend before we ever met and its hard to give up that friendship. Maybe I just need to tell her that we can be friends if she just lets her brother and me work it out ... or not.
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Old 10-15-2005, 08:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Brammy
Maybe I just need to tell her that we can be friends if she just lets her brother and me work it out ... or not.
Or maybe you can just agree to disagree and not discuss it.
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Old 10-15-2005, 09:07 PM
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its hard when the family was involved. my heart aches for the child i had to leave behind when i left my exA. hes a great great kid and didnt deserve a father like he ended up with... but all i could control was the effect the relationship had on my own child.

people see the A suffering the results of their own choices and you were there before to make things "better"... they turn to you again. just as his son sends me these heart breaking half smiles half pleads when i see him... its like.. "please make things right for Dad again" and i cant. nobody can except him.

i know the pain it brings... only too well. for me... i pray a lot to god to protect and help all those who love my exA... for their pain is there.. he is just going to crawl into his denial.. they have denial of their own.. but its not the kind to make things easier for them.. only harder.

keep the faith.. god will watch over you.
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Old 10-16-2005, 11:58 AM
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Lol!

What a menu that would be!!!

I am
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Old 10-16-2005, 12:21 PM
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Brammy, I have to agree with all of the above, especially with YOUR RECOVERY must come first.

I spent 45 years of my life trying to please everyone around me only to find that "less is most often more" when it comes to relationships where people are in denial. Friendships like the tides come in and go out. If they are meant to be it will happen easily without working so hard. In Al-Anon I found the closest thing to unconditional love here on earth. I also learned I MUST be the person God created me to be not matter what. Mature adults can agree to disagree if all are willing to accept each other as they are, not as they want me to be.

I often have to ask myself " How much of me do I have to give up to have this person or persons in my life?" Or How much is my serenity worth to me?

Remember it's One day at a time. Progress not perfection.
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Old 10-16-2005, 12:48 PM
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Brammy

I can imagne how hard it must be to have this kind of pressure. I had a very good, though short lived, relationship w/ my xabf's family. When he ditched me (after his hit and run accident) I spoke very candidly w/his mom. It's natural I suppose for parents and siblings to be in denial. I had the chance to tell his mom what had happened and how I feared for his physical well being. I told her to take notice of his eyes next time she saw him for they looked yellow to me and that his cholesterol was very low (sign of alcohol abuse I've read). But she only seemed to search for other excuses instead of being concerned. And she insisted that he was in love with me. At the time that was comforting but the family also hoped his love for me would encourage him to stop drinking. They felt I made him happy (which was true for a short time I guess). But we all know the bottom line is that the A needs to reach his bottom on his own. We can all sit and analyze and hope and pray and it's just not going to happen unless we let go and let God.
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