Enabling: A form of co-dependence
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Enabling: A form of co-dependence Enabling: A form of co-dependence
Many times when family and friends try to "help" /alcoholics/addicts, they are actually making it easier for them to continue in the progression of the addiction.
This baffling phenomenon is called "enabling," which takes many forms, all of which have the same effect -- allowing the alcoholic/addict to avoid the consequences of his actions. This in turn allows the addict to continue merrily along his drinking/drugging ways, secure in the knowledge that no matter how much he screws up, somebody will always be there to rescue him from his mistakes.
What is the difference between "helping" and "enabling?" There are many opinions and viewpoints on this, some of which can be found on the pages linked below, but here is a simple description:
Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves. Enabling is doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing themselves.
Simply, enabling creates a atmosphere in which the alcoholic/addict can comfortably continue his unacceptable behavior.
Here's a few questions that might help determine the difference between helping and enabling an addict in your life:
1. Have you ever "called in sick" for the addict, lying about his symptoms?
2. Have you accepted part of the blame for his (or her) drinking/drugging or behavior?
3. Have you avoided talking about his drinking/drugging out of fear of his response?
4. Have you bailed him out of jail or paid for his legal fees?
5. Have you paid bills that he was supposed to have paid himself?
6. Have you loaned him money?
7. Have you tried drinking/drugging with him in hopes of strengthening the relationship?
8. Have you given him "one more chance" and then another and another?
9. Have you threatened to leave and didn't?
10. Have you finished a job or project that the addict failed to complete himself?
Of course, if you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you at some point in time have enabled the addict to avoid his own responsibilities. Rather than "help" the addict, you have actually made it easier for him to get worse.
If you answered "yes" to most or all of these questions, you have not only enabled the addict, you have probably become a major contributor to the growing and continuing problem and chances are have become effected by the addiction yourself.
As long as the alcoholic/ddict has his enabling devices in place, it is easy for him to continue to deny that he has a drinking/drugging problem -- since most of his problems are being "solved" by those around him. Only when he is forced to face the consequences of his own actions, will it finally begin to sink in how deep his problem has become.
Some of these choices are not easy for the friends and families of alcoholic/addicts. If the addict uses up the money that was supposed to pay the utility bill, he's not the only one who will be living in a dark, cold, or sweltering house. The rest of the family will suffer right along with him/her.
That makes the only option for the family seem to be taking the money intended for groceries and paying the light bill instead, since nobody wants to be without utilities.
But that is not the only option. Taking the children to friends or relatives, or even a shelter, and letting the alcoholic/addict come home alone to a dark house, is an option that protects the family and leaves the alcoholic/addict face-to-face with his problem.
Those kinds of choices are difficult. They require " tough love." But it is love. Unless the alcoholic/addict is allowed to face the consequences of his own actions, he will never realize just how much his drinking/drugging has become a problem -- to himself and those around him.
Borrowed from: <!--EZCODE AUTOLINK START-->www.tgsrm.org/Co-ependencySupport.html<!--EZCODE AUTOLINK END-->
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
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Originally Posted by nytepassion
Unless the alcoholic/addict is allowed to face the consequences of his own actions, he will never realize just how much his drinking/drugging has become a problem -- to himself and those around him.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Great post. I hope all newbies will read this over and over until it sinks in. I know it took me some time to get it.
Only when he is forced to face the consequences of his own actions, will it finally begin to sink in how deep his problem has become.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
When I started getting educated about this phenomenon I couldn't accept it. I couldn't accept it because I was a responsible adult, stood on my own, and thought that marriage was an equal partnership. If I broke my leg, I would expect that my partner would carry the groceries in from the car until I was able again and vice versa. Right?
Not so with an alcoholic.
I realized after a long 7 years that an active alcoholic doesn't bring anything to the table that isn't about the A so my reasoning was out the window. When I realized that "sickness" is a state of mind in active addiction, I changed how I interacted with him. That's when the true turnaround in our home started.
He doesn't dare relapse -- winter is coming shortly and he *will* be out in the cold! LOL
Not so with an alcoholic.
I realized after a long 7 years that an active alcoholic doesn't bring anything to the table that isn't about the A so my reasoning was out the window. When I realized that "sickness" is a state of mind in active addiction, I changed how I interacted with him. That's when the true turnaround in our home started.
He doesn't dare relapse -- winter is coming shortly and he *will* be out in the cold! LOL
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