joefjr

A second family member just died from an alcohol related accident. (Father was the first, a son was the second.)

I'm wondering what others feel about mentioning alcohol abuse as a contributing cause of death in an obituary.

One opinion in the family is that by mentioning that it was "a tragic accident related to a long struggle with alcohol abuse", there is a long shot that it could push a button with someone on the edge of coming to grips with the disease.

Granted, most obits don't mention the cause of death (other than "courageous battle with cancer" or a traffic accident), but I'd like to know what others might think.

One reason for not mentioning it is to "protect" the 13 yr. old son of the deceased.

It should be noted that Grandpa died of alcoholism, two siblings are recovering, a 3rd sibling is the recently deceased. A cousin is recovering, Aunt and another cousin are blantantly alcoholic, grandmother went through treatment...IOW, the disease is rampant on both sides of the family through 3 generations.

So, if it was your choice, would you mention alcohol abuse in an obit?

Zoey

"Yes", Here we knew a family that bought a special obit, so they could bring out the awareness of alcoholism. No childern or parents involved.
The couple had one child that had died as a teen from an athsma attack. A reporter covered the story to also bring awareness.
One person wrote in and zero'ed in on the death of the child, that was the cause.
I am sure most people belived that letter.
My sponser and I discussed this letter, her remark was, "I suspect the writer is an alcoholic". (We understood the thinking and feelings of this writer of course)
(Alcohol likes to cause people to have extreme emotions and a reason to feel sad, so that more and more alcohol needed. JMO)
Many many people lose a child and do not become alcoholic.

I would go by the wishes of the child.

Cynay

Im still thinking this one through.....

But my first reaction is no... I would not mention it.

Alcoholic's know they have a problem, Because they choose to drink and then died from it... Well... that was their choice. When people are mourning it just seems to add salt to the wound to point out the whys. Kinda like someone dying of lung cancer and putting in the Obit that they smoked 2 packs a day... what is the point.

Especially for the 13yr old is hurting pretty bad, This is going to be a memory that he holds on to for a long time... Im sure that he already knows the cause of death.

I dont know that its my job to point it out to anyone that does not ask me directly...

BigSis

If I was talking to the 13 year old, I would ask him to remember every GOOD memory he had of his dad. I would hope he could remember some times his dad was sober and times his dad and he shared a moment or even a day together. If he was willing, I would have him write about those things, to help cement them in his mind and in part, to replace all the horror that goes with a sudden, tragic death.

If his well-being is truly foremost, then I believe chastizing his dad for not being sober, no matter how subtle, would not be the kind of message I would want to send.

Like everything here, this is only my opinion... take what you like and ... well, you know the rest.

joefjr

I should point out that the child doesn't live in the US, had not seen the deceased parent for about 3 years, and probably wouldn't see the obit.

Any "good" memories the kid has are at least 5 yrs old. It's been pretty much abuse ever since then, most of it viscious verbal assaults aimed at mom to which the kid was a party to.

And BTW, the decision had been made that the obit would not mention it. I was just wondering what others thought.

quietsins

for myself.. i read obits and many times if it doesnt mention an accident... or a lengthy illness such as cancer.. if they are under 50... it comes to mind consciously that alcohol may have played a part... perhaps that is just my cynicism showing itself. I wouldnt put it in there.. because... bottom line.. we are all children of god and more than the sum of our disease... let the dead rest in peace.

quietsins

FriendofBill

Protect = Keeping it secret

After talking it over with the immediate family members, Id say a group conscience vote could be taken.

What matters is how that would affect the survivors.

reader

I aggree with quietsins! Let the illness go with him. Drudging up the cause of death will only add to the pain the alcoholism has already cost the family. My heart does out to that boy. I lost my father to congestive heart failure when I was young. Alcoholism is such a cripple illness on the families. My prayers go out to you and your family tonight.
Take Care and come back anytime to talk here! Kerry

Cap3

If it was my choice,i would ask the dying alcoholic if this is what ...he...would want saying in his obits.If i dont have the chance to ask ...him..i wouldnt do it.Although your intentions are good here.Today alcoholism is no longer the "secret" disease that it once was.There is a host of help out there.And yet still there are alcoholics that die from this disease.We cant make another want to stop,no matter what.Its the disease of denil.If i had seen an obits about an alcoholic,dieing from alcoholism,before recovery i would never had seen that this could happen to me to,because im in denil about my own drinking.,and .I will get help before this happens..DENIL,is strong..
Its assumed that lung cancer,is from smokers only.But it comes from polution also.No one thinks about this,and makes jugements about another smoking,because its assumed this is the cause..Same could happen with the alcoholic obits,saying he died from alcoholism.There is still alot of stigma,anger,towards alcoholics,,especially those folks who loved ones have died in car accidents,when another was drunk.This man passed,,may he ,rest in peace.No longer putting him in a position to be judged by others,anymore...
Saw an obits the other day,,saying a friend of BillW,passed ,away,on Sunday.
To each their own.
This is my opinion....smile.And ya know what they say about opinions.....smile....

BubbaBob

I wouldn't mention it.

BubbaBob

CatsTail

I wouldn't mention it.

What would be the point?

Ngaire

joefjr

On one hand, I can see your point. On the hand, the illness doesn't necessarily go with him, it stays in the family.

Again, the decision has been made by the family to leave it out. However, leaving it out will do nothing to relieve the grief for those who knew the deceased. His struggles with abuse is common knowledge among a vast network of friends and family.

Thanks for the feedback.

joefjr

From the original post:

Ann

I wouldn't mention it either. Perhaps in lieu of flowers, donations could be requested to MADD or some other group that works to educate and help the alcoholic. I think it's a personal decision.

Hugs

BubbaBob

You make the "leave it out" point. The family, and friends, already know, and have to deal with it...a published obit will not change that...it won't bring "closure" (geeze I hate that word).

If you want to help other folks, get that same reporter you mentioned earlier to do a story, or a series of stories, on alcoholism and family effects without mentioning names.

BubbaBob

Seeking Wisdom

I would leave it out. Obituaries normally deal with the basic facts and milestones of a person's life, not all their personal baggage. Many people have unpleasant personal problems that are not mentioned in obits, such as, infidelity, spousal abuse, crimes, mental illness-depression and drug abuse that may have contributed directly or indirectly to the quality or length of life. An obit is not the place to deal with type of information. When you see an obit mention death after "a courageous battle with cancer" it is done to honor the deceased's strong character and challenges - not to analyse their faults or bad choices. As mentioned before, sometimes the chosen charity can speak volumes in a subtle and positive way.

splendra

I just wanted to say something about what obits say: Once in my town there was a man who was a known hoodlum...alcoholic,drug user my dog meat this guy once and just rised he!! didn't like him one bit....When I read the obit on him I couldn't believe it all the good he had done supporting boys club of america, all kinds of children ball teams not one mention of the person I knew and disliked and I felt very ashamed for not knowing about his good while he was alive....

CatsTail

And a long shot it is because people usually think it won't happen to them until it does.

Why not focus on the person and not the illness?

Ngaire

joyinlife

First, sorry to hear about your two relatives passing. We had something similar in my AH's family last year. Hubs uncle died from alcoholism, and the family (at the time) felt it should be brought up during the funeral 'as a warning' to others in the family who have alcohol problems. (Meaning my husband, and the 2 sons of the uncle that died, mostly.) The uncle's brother brought it up in his eulogy. Besides the priest being absolutely horrified, the family no longer talks to the man they requested bring it up in the first place...and they *asked* him specifically to do it! He is now the 'black sheep' because he did what they asked and made mention in the eulogy. Did it do any good? Heck no...the 2 sons still drink heavily, drug and have done nothing to change...and the mother, and family still enables them all. (The sons are also both bipolar.) Did it help my ah? Big NO! The only thing he said was something to the tune of: that's a h*ll of a way to go...and now drinks more than he did before. The 'lesson' that the family had asked for, and got, went totally unheeded, all the way around, and did nothing but cause hard feelings. It was one of the strangest funerals I ever attended: it felt like the uncle was being attacked, and just seemed wrong, wrong, wrong...period.

I personally don't feel a newspaper obit would do anything either, but I agree with Ann about having any donations go to Madd, or maybe even Alanon, or something. That still gets the message across, but in a nice way that doesn't 'speak evil of the dead.' People will always draw their own conclusions, right or wrong, no matter how tactfully we would write it. No matter what someone dies from, they deserve to rest in peace: no matter how they died. Once you die, it's supposed to be God's judgement day, not ours. (As you can see, that funeral really affected me, too!) Ngaire's right that we should focus on the person (that they were) and not the illness. Glad to hear that the family has decided not to mention it in the obit, sounds like a good call to me.

Soul Catcher

I also say not to mention it, it apparently was something that was out of thier control. I'm sure the embarassment lasted long enough on earth. Let it go down in the grave with them.