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Coke users please read

Old 10-13-2005, 08:42 PM
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Coke users please read

Hi there. My name is Nicole and I am a 25 year old alcoholic and addict. Really want some people who have delt with cocaine addiction and how they beat it to talk to me tell me there experiences and how they got through. Alcohol has always been my life long problem and addiction but over the years I started experimenting with other drugs out in clubs and so on. Found coke and loved it. Realized just like with alcohol I didn't do it normally whatever normal is. When it would appear I would not stop till it was gone then go around looking for more getting angry and aggitated till I found it and licking every bag clean, looking on floor(so sad)until the coming down was over. Coke was very hard on me because of my depression and how I felt the day after but more and more over the last 2 year I starting enjoying a few coctails and then as I started getting drunk before I would black out switch over to coke to make a nice balance. Soon my boyfriend of four years said he wouldn't let me do it anymore so once to four times a month I would get some and hide it and use it with drinking with out him knowing. Soon after he wanted me to get help for drinking or he was leaving so I began to hide that as well. Eventually I got a Duii this year. Was high and drunk going down a wrong way street when an officer stopped me and most likely saved my life. Having to do diversion on not drinking while in it didn't work. Was trying to drink around the UA's and would still get high times 1-3 every week or two. Eventually failed too many and was going to be sent back to courts and my boyfriend left saying he couldn't watch me kill myself anymore and that he was tired of the promises and nothing would ever change. After a few more nights of hell and getting high and even trying mixing some other drugs in there as well as trying smoking cocaine I realized how I was loosing everything I loved and could go to jail and that I was miserable so I decided to go into inpatient myself. Really was ready to quit the drinking and had been trying for last year. Unfortunetly we focused all on my main problem alcohol and not cocaine. I went 30days with out drinking or drugs then felt so proud I did well went out and got drunk and found coke. Really wanting to beat it I went back to meetings got my sponser and put myself on anitibuse. This is were it gets intresting. Well hmmmm when I started wanted to get drunk and not feel and numb things I couldn't drink so I got coke. That was one month and two weeks ago. Still sober now I am doing coke up to four times a week for 10 14 hour periods. I seriously can not believe how stupid I am. I gave up one thing to get another addiction. I can't get past two three days now. I keep trying I am going to meetings for both na and aa but keep relapsing. The thing with coke is I feel so great when I am high then insane when I am coming down. Everytime I say this is horrible at the end and I'm done and a few days go by and something triggers it and I can't stop thinking about it until I get it and I go through the whole thing again. Does anybody have any suggestions. How did you guys beat it? Really want to help or advice from people who have been there and got through it. I pray I can to. I want to be free and clean of all drugs and alcohol and happy on my own.. Please help.. nic
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Old 10-13-2005, 08:48 PM
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been there, I found AA and it helped me with both addiction and alcoholism. I've got 6 months in now.
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Old 10-13-2005, 09:07 PM
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Hi Ready, and welcome. Ex-coke/crackhead here. For me, I had to get to the points of hate and fear before I was able to walk away. Even though I still wanted it, I hated the coke for the things I would do when high, the chances I would take to get more, the crack binge that usually followed the coke binge, and finally hating myself. The other motivating factor for me was fear - a hospital trip for OD where my blood pressure was 220/105 wasn't quite enough to make me get on my knees, but the chest pains that I got every time I used after that trip to the hospital - that was did it. I started to think about my daughter, my mother and father who have already lost two children, my sibs, my friends, and all that I cared about - how easily I could lose it all through the stupidity of what I was doing - and for what? For a drug that couldn't even do it for me any more the way it used to.

I couldn't stay clean on my own. I tried, and failed. I started going to NA meetings, spending time with recovering addicts - just hearing their shares in meetings would make me cry and cry. I saw myself in so much of what they shared. I discovered that it was possible to recover, to walk away from our DOC, and I did. I did it while living with someone who continued in their addiction, who left piles of coke on the kitchen counter for me to see when I got home from a meeting, who continued to smoke crack in our home. I've been clean from coke/crack now for two years and three months and I never want to use again.

I think you have the desire to stop using, and that's the only requirement for membership in NA. Keep going to meetings, even if you're still using. Hell, even if you're high - just sit back and listen and talk to someone after the meeting. Miracles happen when we are ready, and I think you are getting to that point.

Keep coming back - this is a great place and you'll get lots of support here.
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Old 10-13-2005, 09:20 PM
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Margo, How on earth could you see it in your house and not do it. Wow that takes amazing will power. Do you think it matters which meetings I go to at this point na or aa? Well I used last night after promising never again on monday. Went three days and then I just couldn't kick the craving last night. I was pacing around until then starting dialing the numbers just to see if I could get it if I wanted to and found it and just gave in. Still havn't sleep been up all day having anxiety attacks and feeling like ****. Physically and emotionally. The sad thing is I am still craving it. I have errased my connections numbers again and again then always have some way of finding them. I am so down. I went to detox for alcohol and was there with other drug users so I heard everything they had to say. Don't see the point of doing it again. Not sure what to do
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Old 10-13-2005, 09:33 PM
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Hi Ready - I dunno - I guess hate and fear are strong motivators! I went through such misery for a long time. At one point I would buy, use, have fits of remorse, flush my stash down the toilet, and then get back on the phone to the dealer again ten minutes later - insanity!

It really doesn't matter which meetings you go to - a majority of drug addicts also have issues with alcohol. In AA you say you are an alcoholic, in NA you say you are an addict and they seem to be more open to anything and everything. It all boils down to the same thing - an inability to control our using of whatever. Try both, see what you think, just try to keep going. You will sooner or later hear something at a meeting that will give you your "aha moment". Hook up with clean people, go for coffee, pick people's brains, take tiny steps.

The anxiety is the pits and it's hard to cope with. I too have anxiety attacks. The coke will intensify the anxiety. Try laying quietly, regulate your breathing, try to visualize something that brings you peaceful feelings. If you have a pet - dog or a cat - it can help with anxiety, just the act of petting your pet! Try chamomile tea too. If your anxiety is really severe, see your doctor - be honest about what's happening with you.

Keep posting, Ready - there are so many people here who will be able to relate to how you're feeling.

Love and hugs.
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Old 10-13-2005, 10:11 PM
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Woke up

I have spent 10+ years in a $100K+/yr job walking an incredibly fine line. Last year my A type personality drove me to quit my job. (side note - I am Agnostic)

Lots of free time and banked cash drove the coke hobby into a major addiction. In the last year I have dated 5 girls (that I really didnt care that much for and blow $60K on powder). Free time and available cash affoards a crazy lifestyle.

Yesterday I woke up and had breakfast with my Dad. As well as I thought I was hiding everything, the people that care we afraid for me and knew that I am on a downward spiral.

The embarrisment of dissapointing the important people in my life is such a great motivation. Hopefully I can leverage that to kick my own ass. there has to be so much more to this life than a buzz. All of us users and just cowards hiding from life. Hopefully today I am going to step up and reclaim the important things.

Cheers All
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Old 10-13-2005, 11:07 PM
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I think substance abuse must go hand-in-hand with some people. I know it does for me! I've done too many drugs to even want to think about.....I still do cocain and meth and mushrooms and ecstasy....occasionally :slaphead

I have gotten to the point though where I don't have to do drugs.....I can say no to them and I can even be around them without doing them(it's hard but, I can!). I think it's because I'm terrified of the affter-effects (affects? I always get those two screwed up!). I'm so scared I'm going to have horrible anxiety the next day....so I really think about that now.

Anyway, still struggling pretty hard-core with the alcohol......I'm sober tonight, though!! Feeling pretty good about that. It's the first night all week I remember being sober!! I still drank today....so, does that count as being sober right now?? I just had 2 glasses of wine over about 3 hours.....usually I'm totally drunk in 3 hours

So, anyway....one day at a time....I'm glad I found this site~
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Old 10-14-2005, 01:52 AM
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Gosh you guys thank you for the support and sharing your struggles with me. It helps to know that I am not alone in this. Triton thank you for writing. I hope you kick this horrible addiction to. Well I am in the music bussiness where many succesful rich men I know with to much money have the same problem. Mine was they give it all to me free lol. We all have our problems and were all fighting and hopefully win. I will pray for all of you as well. This isn't a life relying on some powder or a drink to make us feel better. In aa the other day someone said it isn't that we have a problem with alcohol or drugs, we have a living problem. So true.... Peace and Love
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Old 10-14-2005, 12:46 PM
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Unhappy

Well Here We Go Again. I Woke Up Horribly Aggitated After Not Sleeping Nite. Already Thinking About Getting Some Coke Tonight. The Worst Thing I Stopped Taking My Anibuse 2 Days Ago Because I See No Pointin Not Drinking If I Am Killing Myself With This ****. Doesn't Make Sense. Nothing Does. I Need Help...
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