take2

I am just SO frustrated!!! You know how a young kid touches a hot stove and learns not to touch it agian b/c it can hurt them... why have I not learned this same lesson when dealing with my soon to be exAH. Not matter how much he hurts me I go back for more! I never learn.

In a nut shell, he called yest. and told me that he feels sorry for me. I asked why and he said b/c 1 day I will wake up and regret that "I threw my marriage away and abandoned him when he needed me most." (yeah 10 years of taking care of him and his every need- which he denies at this time!!!) He then told me that I will be lonely and sad for the rest of my life and that is why he feels sorry for me!!! Of course I tried to defend myself..waste of my breath and told him that I feel sorry for him b/c 1 day he will wake up and realize that he let his disease destroy his marriage and relationship with his kids and he can't even admit it. I told him that 1 day when he is finally on his knees surrendering himself to his HP that he is powerless over his disease he will understand why I made the choices I have made. He told me that I read too many self-help books and take alanon too seriously and for me to get a life.

Why do I even bother?

minnie

Cos you need to do it over and over until it sinks in - I know I did. But that great thing is that you recognise it and one day you'll realise that you haven't been sucked in for a few weeks and THAT'S why your life is so peaceful.lol.

Unfortunately, I had to learn to tune out my ex's words and only listen to any practical stuff that needed sorting. Anything else was manipulation. It doesn't seem to have done me any harm by doing that, certainly compared to the alternative.

You're doing fine, hon.

best

love and hope is why.

Because you care and hold the hope that it may sink in.

Just as he will find he is helpless against alcohol and ends up on his knees...
You also will find you are helpless against the disease and will be on your knees as you "fully" let go and let God.

You know what is what. Just as he does. You just may be at a different point of acceptance then he is right now. You are near the end stages of denial. He may be closer to the beginning point.

We need to accept it deep inside before we truly accept it and realize we are helpless against the disease.

reader

Take2, you are so right not to get sucked into his guilt trip. It's so common for A's to try to turn their problems onto us. At least you've coming far into your recovery to see through this type of behavior. Keep reading those self help books they have clearly helped you to deal with your H. Your on the right path, keep up the good work! Take Care, Kerry

Celtica

After having an alcoholic ex-husband, then a man who relapsed after 13 years of sobriety, and my most recent exAbf, I have to say, they say these things out of a desire to make themselves feel better. By making you the "bad guy", in his mind, it alleviates any guilt, shame or remorse he may be feeling. I honestly think that A's have very little self-esteem, which is one reason they try to bring us down. As hard as it is, try not to respond, that's exactly what he wants- I'm dealing with this currently too, and as much as I'd love to call him and tell him exactly what I think, I won't lower myself to that level. You know you're doing the right thing for you.

Hang in there!

KATIE77

He is inviting you to his pityparty by the sounds of it!! Politely decline!! A couple of things hit me in your post ;"he said b/c 1 day I will wake up and regret that "I threw my marriage away and abandoned him when he needed me most." His needs!!! What about yours!!!

" He then told me that I will be lonely and sad for the rest of my life and that is why he feels sorry for me!!!" No honey he is the one who is sick. It is a horrid disease. He seems to be putting the blame on you but he is the only one who can change his behaviour. You can only be responsible for yourself and making YOU happy not his.
A`s have this amazing way of manipulating us, making us feel guilty. He is not only happy with lowering himself he wants to take you along for the ride. Hang in there and begin to do some lovely things for yourself. Hey and as for self help books - Codep No More helped me so so much. Do what is right for you!!!

take2

Thanks all for the pick me up... I really need it when I have to deal with him. I read last night the pamphlet "The merry-go-round named denial" from alanon and I needed to be reminded that I control whether or not I want to get on his ride. I am just so tired of always being the wrong one, the one who is to blame. I am tired of being called crazy or over reacting. I know the reality and I have to walk away from these conversations when he wants to drag me in.

I just wonder when they will end. I know... when I choose for it to end. It is just so hard b/c he keeps trying to suck me in and I don't know how to respond. Sometimes I get so irritated that I simply hang up the phone but that only makes him angry and he'll call back to yell at me even more. It doesn't matter how I respond he has no problem getting his vicious and hurtful words in before I can stop the conversation.

Jazzman

Let me see if I got this straight?!?! Your "soon to be" exAH, told YOU, to get a life?

I see a certain irony there

FriendofBill

Thats alcoholism talkin', takin YOUR inventory cus its to painful for him to take HIS own.

In one ear, out the other.

It only takes one lesson to learn it...just dont know which one it will be.

Savana 54

OMG!! This all sounds to familiar! Exabf said I probably will never find a guy that is good enough for me, or that does enough for me (he's probably right) :

Yep, can't take a good look at themselves so gotta put us down. Total denial, guilt. and manipulation. And here I always thought it was me...