Girlfriend

Although this may seem like an obvious question.........what is the difference between a healthy love for you SO as compared to an unhealthy love?

StandingStrong

I'll try to give you my opinion on this, though I'm having a hard time finding the right words. So hopefully you'll understand what I'm "trying" to say (lol)

A healthy love is when my heart is filled with happiness, joy, respect, and just pure love-in actions as well as feelings.
Compared to an unhealthy love which is filled with stress, pain, frustration, doubt, and heartbreak and lack of trust, An unhealthy love is not happy - it's miserable.

A healthy love is the sharing of two people, two souls, connecting together.
An unhealthy love is one that has one being a Giver all the time, while the other is always the Taker. The relationship is not equal in feeling, actions, etc.
Versus a healthy one where two people are connected in healthy ways - supporting each other, loving each other in feelings and actions, sharing a life together, each giving to the relationship, and bringing out each other's best!

A healthy love is one where each person grows and matures and yet knows they are aceepted for who they are. Each is given acceptance and has a SO that wants what is best for them. Uplifting each other as well.
Whereas an unhealthy love is one where one dominates the relationship. Condemns the other and brings them down. Takes power over the other, manipulates, abuses, takes advantage, takes for granted, etc.

In trying to some this up - I think a healthy love is positives. An unhealthy love is negatives.

I also believe that an unhealthy love can be generated from within. I know this really isn't what you were asking about, but because of my current situation, I felt the desire to comment on this. I think that although I love my Ah, I want what is best for him, I want to believe that he's sincere in his efforts to change, etc...the truth is that I feel depressed, stressed, and confused most of the time. There has been a lot of wounds caused and the pain and scars run deep. I think that it's unhealthy for myself to continue loving Ah and giving him so much of my heart. I used to refer to Ah as being toxic for me. Even though I don't think he means to hurt me or make me feel the way I do, it doesn't change how I feel. It's still the way that it is and we can't change the past to undo alot of those mistakes that got us where we are now. So is his love for me unhealthy - or is it my love for him that is unhealthy? Regardless of the answer to that question, I think it's a fine example of an unhealthy love that I have for myself. (Just something to think about)

sunshinebluesky

i think healthy love is MUTUAL in EVERY aspect.........you have to have mutual respect,caring,compromise,compassion,passion,inter ests,goals,etc.

StandingStrong

I just noticed that your subject line mentioned obsession but the post did not. I didn't comment on the obsession aspect of an unhealthy relationship. I think obsession is one where one consumes the other which is unhealthy. Whereas a healthy relationship shares, not consumes.
I have found in my relationship with Ah that he consumes me. My life revolves around him, it's centered around him, my reactions are to him, etc. and I believe that in relationships where there is an addiction, I feel this is usually the normal thing.
It's unhealthy and it's obsessive.

equus

I'm not sure about this. My worry is when we spend too much time assessing whether everything is fair. I look back at old friendships and there have been times when I was the taker, times when my friends would be the taker, sort of an eb and flow of give an take. The thing is the tide isn't over a day or two, it can be over a year or two and during those times I know both parties have questioned fairness or how mutual things are. Now we're a little older we see time over decades rather than the last month - I think we also forgive each other more readily and have grown out of expecting the other to always behave reasonabley, like - who does?

I think the difference between love and obsession is friendship. If obsessed it's hard to act as a friend, ie a balanced view of strengths AND weaknesses. The ability to talk to each other as imperfect people figuring out life's poo and enjoying it's blooms. But more than anything else is liking someone, just enjoying them being, enjoying their successes - especially the ones that have nothing to do with me!!

But then again I think friendship is stronger than love so I'd be scared hairless by love without it. My friendships have been longer than most marriages and still thrive. I married a friend.

Gabe

Here is a link to an excellent post in the Relationships forum on Obsessive Love.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=21155

reader

Amen Dakoda - great quote. It's so very true and thats the way it shoul be! Kerry

dreamcatcher

I think the key to a healthy relationship is trust and respect. I believe many of us who were in relationships with addicts, or if you still are can be the the spoke persons for obsession. Prior to our knowledge of recovery we obsessed over our addicts, we followed them, drove by bars and other womens housing trying to "catch" them in the lies. The insanity caused by our obsession was painstaking, but in our minds we loved them. The panic you felt everytime they walked out the door, the lack of trust. How consuming it is and how consumed we felt. Thinking, wondering, worrying about this person night and day. Having to think and worry about how this person was going to affect our life. THAT my friend is unhealthy relationship. At times I wished my Ah "cared" for me in that way, but them realized how unhealthy that was. I do see "codies" leaving relationships with a addicts and jumping into relationship with someone who is obsessed with them because they think that person must really love them. It is so important to become healthy, to know what peace is. People always what to formulate a time line to how much time you should give yourself. I think it is an individual thing as long as we keep our eyes wide open. It is wonderful to feel loved and though it may not last forever it is worth the opportunity. I would have rather feel love for month than live a lifetime of hell. I have been in a relationship for 5 month after being married for 23 years to the clone of most of your addicts. It is scary at times but worth the happiness, love and respect I feel. He can walk out the door to get the paper and I don't worry he comes right back WOW. I don't stress or dread the pending holiday because I have to worry how he is going to act. Everyone needs this experience and know this is the life you deserve. Like I said, even if it doesn't last I am so blessed to be able to experience it and know it is out there. Life is meant to be shared.

Girlfriend

WOw! Those are great answers. Thank you! I read Hope into the posts, too, because I thought I was an obsessor. But,more than not, I'm not. I can really love and to really love is to let go when needed to without falling to pieces.

I'm learning more and more from all of you and it's a great feeling!