Neasa

I haven't seen any threads covering this topic. I have a few questions & a few observations I'd like to check in on. Maybe other newcomers will too.

Went to my first Al-Anon meeting as an adult last night. Have been twice before, but each time was several years apart & while in my teens, so I may as well say this was my first.

Cross-talk: I understood this to mean no referencing what the speaker/s prior to you have said & no commenting while they're speaking. Is this correct? The facilitator did both the entire meeting despite two reminders from another person there.

Meeting facilitators: Should this be someone who's just returned to Al-Anon after, oh say, more than 15 years away?

To Speak or Not to Speak: I feel too confused to say anything. On the one hand, I'm told "there are no shoulds," on the other, a newcomer doesn't know enough yet to speak & should just listen. Also, if advice-giving is such a no-no, what's the point? I can sit at home & think myself in circles - I don't need to seek out non-responsive strangers to get blank looks & silence from. I'm having so many differing emotions from minute to minute that I don't really want to speak, but I also don't like feeling like I can't because

I don't know what to do with all the emotions that keep coming up. While I was listening to others & since then, recalling what they said, I'm getting more overwhelmed, not less. I don't want to start blubbering in a room full of strangers.

Shame: Are ACOAs really just a bunch of whiners? Cause if that's the perception, I'm gonna clam right back up again. Had enough shame put on me by others to last a lifetime. I'm not inclined to subject myself to that again.

How do you get the needle out of the groove? How do you shut off the critical voices from the past long enough to get some benefit from meetings?

There's more, but that's all I can think of right now.

Chuckles101301

In my meeting, cross-talk is occasionally allowed and we will comment about what someone else said in our "talk" if it has something to add or helps us get clarity.

Anyone can facilitate a meeting, I do and I have only been in al-anon for 1 year. I think there are basics to facilitating...it does not mean your are in charge or that you govern, but merely that you are facilitating a meeting, allowing one to happen or helping it along the way.

I have spoken at every meeting since I started going and I rarely get advice from anyone. I achieve understanding by listening to others and what they have done with their lives and stories. The learning is in others and what they say. I have a ton of, "oh yeah" slap-the-head-moments when I go to a meeting. What you say could help someone else, that is how important that you are.

Let your emotions out. They are strangers, but they have all been there. I blubbered through my first meeting, I cried like a baby through the whole darned thing. I cried a couple more times and then I was done crying. Crying wasn't solving my problem. There certainly are many emotions related to our stories and sometimes I still get choked up at meetings, especially when talking about my daughter and the effects on her, but at some point you have to put the emotions aside and get to the heart of the problem.

Shame is a big one with me. I was so ashamed that my RAH was an alcoholic and a drug user because that isn't who I was supposed to end up with. Fact is, I am who I am and he is who he is and there is nothing that I can do to change who he is. Why should I be ashamed for him? He has a disease and I wouldn't be ashamed of him if he were a person with cancer. Now, I am not afraid to talk about my RAH being an alcoholic and I actually feel free to do so. No more secrets in my life.

Try and remember that you are a worthy human being and a wonderful creation of God and that you deserve to be who you are as much as anyone. Criticism is an awful thing, but try to remember something that I heard on here, "Others opinions of me are none of my business." You deserve to go to meetings and you deserve to get better. Focus on yourself and what you can do to change and don't focus on "whining" about the alcoholic in your life and things will start to get easier.

cwohio

in our meetings there is supposed to be no crosstalk, but we're really flexible depending upon the situation and i like that. our meeting is not rigidly structured like some i have been to. i am one of those people that has always been into set rules, structure, organization, but have let go of some of that - that, in my case, was my way of feeling i had control of a situation.

we all take turns facilitating - that way everyone - new and experiend in the program get a chance. it's never forced, strictly volunteer and i think it gives the newcomers a chance to feel comfortable with speaking.

my home group meeting is open topic so depending on the topic i speak or sometimes i just listen. if i feel something that i am feeling might add to the topic, then i speak. it was hard for me to speak and i sometimes felt guilty if i didn't say anything, but now feel comfortable enough to just listen if that's what i need to do for me.

it takes time to tune out those voices from the past. i too hear them and "react" to them still, but have gotten better as i discover who i am today with the help of the program.

hang in there neasa!

FriendofBill

Every group is autonomous. Means they vote on how they want it to flow.
Some allow cross talk, most dont. I avoid those that do.

Cross talk is NOT mentioning what another shared, its criticizing, talking over and condeming what another shared. If I identify with one's sharing, I can say so, or thank them for it, and add to it.

Anyone can facilitate a meeting. We dont judge someone by there attendance record.

Speak, dont speak, your choice.

Whiners? I know plenty, ACOA's, double winners, reg. al-anons..we are all hurt humans. No labels, for me.

Voices? Get a sponsor, do service, help others. Clears them up right away!

No rules in al-anon...take what you liked, what you need and leave the rest.