Need Help
Guest
Posts: n/a
Need Help
Hi Everyone,
This is my first time here so bear with me if this message grows lengthy. I am a single Mom who can't seem to escape alcoholism. My ex-husband is an alcoholic who elected to deny existence of his son, so I am truely a single parent. I live with my mother in a home we purchased together and have seen her deteriorate through alcoholism all of my life. She often admits she has a problem, mentions going to AA but then runs out to get another bottle of wine. Growing up, I remember her making promises and waking up without any memory of them. She drinks daily, has been told her health is being affected, yet makes no changes. At times she goes into rages, as she did last night. When that happens she is incredibly abusive towards me emotionally, openly stating she much prefers my sister (who is on the road to alcoholism as well) over me, what a lousy mother I am, how I managed to drive my husband away, how I am liked by noone, etc.. The next day she wakes up, remembers only selectively, and makes me feel as though I am crazy and hearing things. I wish I could video or tape record her so she could hear soberly what takes place.
All of this is becoming increasingly taxing, and although the hurt from the episodes goes away with time, I can't forget and I'm starting to dislike my mother and what she stands for. She is a generous person, and helps me financially, but she has an extremely addictive personality - she compulsively overeats at times, takes prozac like a vitamin, and is a habitual liar. There isn't much left to like.
Finances don't allow me to move out at the present time, but as things deteriorate, I find myself wondering what I can do to bring some normalcy to my life. I am petrified of something happening to me for I fear there is not one capable person in my family to whom to entrust the care of my son.
Any advice and words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read my post.
This is my first time here so bear with me if this message grows lengthy. I am a single Mom who can't seem to escape alcoholism. My ex-husband is an alcoholic who elected to deny existence of his son, so I am truely a single parent. I live with my mother in a home we purchased together and have seen her deteriorate through alcoholism all of my life. She often admits she has a problem, mentions going to AA but then runs out to get another bottle of wine. Growing up, I remember her making promises and waking up without any memory of them. She drinks daily, has been told her health is being affected, yet makes no changes. At times she goes into rages, as she did last night. When that happens she is incredibly abusive towards me emotionally, openly stating she much prefers my sister (who is on the road to alcoholism as well) over me, what a lousy mother I am, how I managed to drive my husband away, how I am liked by noone, etc.. The next day she wakes up, remembers only selectively, and makes me feel as though I am crazy and hearing things. I wish I could video or tape record her so she could hear soberly what takes place.
All of this is becoming increasingly taxing, and although the hurt from the episodes goes away with time, I can't forget and I'm starting to dislike my mother and what she stands for. She is a generous person, and helps me financially, but she has an extremely addictive personality - she compulsively overeats at times, takes prozac like a vitamin, and is a habitual liar. There isn't much left to like.
Finances don't allow me to move out at the present time, but as things deteriorate, I find myself wondering what I can do to bring some normalcy to my life. I am petrified of something happening to me for I fear there is not one capable person in my family to whom to entrust the care of my son.
Any advice and words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read my post.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Welcome,
Have considered Alanon meetings? Or adult children?? You have lived your entire life surrounded by alcohol and you are bound to be affected. Perhaps the cycle could stop before it extends to your own child.
You cannot change your mother or your your sister, that is the first think you must accept but it doesn't sound like you are after changing them, just dealing.
You could also consider what you would have to do to move away from your mother and begin to inch in that direction. Make a plan and bit by bit you can get it accomplished.
Good luck!
Have considered Alanon meetings? Or adult children?? You have lived your entire life surrounded by alcohol and you are bound to be affected. Perhaps the cycle could stop before it extends to your own child.
You cannot change your mother or your your sister, that is the first think you must accept but it doesn't sound like you are after changing them, just dealing.
You could also consider what you would have to do to move away from your mother and begin to inch in that direction. Make a plan and bit by bit you can get it accomplished.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Welcome to the forum mimin! You have come to a really wonderful place. There are alot of super people here all going through problems but reading the posts will help you and give you strength.
The verbal abuse you have when your Mother is drunk is very harmful. A's can say so many damaging things to us when they are drunk and of course not remember the worst parts. My husband has said very hurtful things, pass out and when he wakes up wants sex and wonders why I am so COLD. Gee, I wonder why. HELLO? Is anybody there??? But if we make them feel the least bit bad or hurt they never forget it and will keep reminding you about it forever. At least that is what happens at my house.
Just remember that it is her disease that causes her to react the way she does. She has to want help and you can not force her. If only we could force them into recovery. I would elect to snap my fingers and have things all better in an instint.
Take care of yourself and your son. Keep coming back here.
Good luck, my prayers are with you,
matters
The verbal abuse you have when your Mother is drunk is very harmful. A's can say so many damaging things to us when they are drunk and of course not remember the worst parts. My husband has said very hurtful things, pass out and when he wakes up wants sex and wonders why I am so COLD. Gee, I wonder why. HELLO? Is anybody there??? But if we make them feel the least bit bad or hurt they never forget it and will keep reminding you about it forever. At least that is what happens at my house.
Just remember that it is her disease that causes her to react the way she does. She has to want help and you can not force her. If only we could force them into recovery. I would elect to snap my fingers and have things all better in an instint.
Take care of yourself and your son. Keep coming back here.
Good luck, my prayers are with you,
matters
Guest
Posts: n/a
Thank you so much for your encouraging words - it helps to know I'm not alone and I'm glad I came here to unburden a bit. I looked up some Alanon meetings in my area and plan to attend one next Monday in hopes of gaining a different perspective. Words can sometimes hurt more than actions, and although they have the good fortune of not remembering, for me it's hard to forget.
Again, may thanks. And God Bless.
Again, may thanks. And God Bless.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Mimin,
I think an Al Anon meeting is a good idea, also. Also, reading this board has been a tremendous help and source of strength to me.
I know exactly how you are feeling being on the receiving end of the hateful words. As recent as last week I had to stand and listen to my daughter, who is the A in my life, scream at me and her dad, "I hate you!" And this was SOBER! Very scary the emotions locked up in these A's. And after screaming "I hate you" she expects her dad and I to continue to support her totally, and I don't just mean emotionally. She lives at home and we provide it all. Big sigh......so yep, I know what you are talking about and feeling.
Just this a.m. I woke up and started in on my 'co-dependent ways....worrying about this, worrying about that. (Yes, yes, I AM trying to lick this co-dependent stuff, but just like the A and his problem, it doesn't go away over night.) But as I laid in bed I thought "24 hours at a time, 24 hours at a time."
Hang in there Mimin. There are plenty folks here who can relate to your situation. Try that Al Anon meeting and let us know how it's going.
Hugs!
I think an Al Anon meeting is a good idea, also. Also, reading this board has been a tremendous help and source of strength to me.
I know exactly how you are feeling being on the receiving end of the hateful words. As recent as last week I had to stand and listen to my daughter, who is the A in my life, scream at me and her dad, "I hate you!" And this was SOBER! Very scary the emotions locked up in these A's. And after screaming "I hate you" she expects her dad and I to continue to support her totally, and I don't just mean emotionally. She lives at home and we provide it all. Big sigh......so yep, I know what you are talking about and feeling.
Just this a.m. I woke up and started in on my 'co-dependent ways....worrying about this, worrying about that. (Yes, yes, I AM trying to lick this co-dependent stuff, but just like the A and his problem, it doesn't go away over night.) But as I laid in bed I thought "24 hours at a time, 24 hours at a time."
Hang in there Mimin. There are plenty folks here who can relate to your situation. Try that Al Anon meeting and let us know how it's going.
Hugs!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Mimin
I also want to welcome you and say that you are not alone. I think you have already started on your road to recovery by planning on going to an Al-anon meeting. 12-step programs and this board have helped so many of us realize that their disease is about THEM and WE do not have to be victims. As you know, you can't change the alcoholics/addicts around you, but you can learn that you are a special person worthy of love and respect.
It takes time, and it takes effort, but we are worth every minute of it.
My prayers are with you.
I also want to welcome you and say that you are not alone. I think you have already started on your road to recovery by planning on going to an Al-anon meeting. 12-step programs and this board have helped so many of us realize that their disease is about THEM and WE do not have to be victims. As you know, you can't change the alcoholics/addicts around you, but you can learn that you are a special person worthy of love and respect.
It takes time, and it takes effort, but we are worth every minute of it.
My prayers are with you.
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