take2

I have an odd question that I hope some of you can shed some light on. I am in the divorce process with my AH (10 years). Truth be known- I have not so much as looked at another man in all these years. It's like I turned off the light switch. Not that I have turned that light back on yet BUT... I recently learned of a guy that kind of likes me- strange to say that. Anyway, I am obviously not there yet but just flattered. I thought he was somewhat normal- great with kids. Then I find out the guy lost his license to DUI for 10 years!!!!! He was young and being dumb- the dumb part was punching out the officer who stopped him.
Why do I keep finding the WRONG guys or is it that they are all that I am attracted to? Am I so Codie that I seek them out? Ok here's my question... do we ever really learn? Do we learn from the chaos that we are all suffering through to get ourselves into the same type of situation? Are there any "normal" guys out there?

cwohio

God take2 - i hope so!

Savana 54

I've wondered about this as well. I think as we slowly recover and work on ourselves, we will be able to notice the "red flags" a lot sooner, and run instead of staying, and thinking we can "fix" them.

Also, I think not only are we attracted to men that are unhealthy, but maybe they see something within us too, and then before you know it, we start to mesh together in a very unhealthy way.

FriendofBill

We only learn when we want to...really, really WANT to.

That means we need to be in a hell of a lot of pain, cus for me, thats the ONLY way I learn.

take2

I also wonder if I will be "bored" with someone that is "normal". I guess that really means that I have a long road of recovery ahead of me. I must not have learned much in my recovery thus far. I just wonder what it is about the "bad" boy types that really gets me going! Is it the need to "help" them? I will have to work through this! All I know is that I do NOT need anymore excitement in my life. If I wanted chaos I'd still be with my AH!!

- I had to put that in... my 4 y/o just loves it!! and this one too!!!

splendra

I think our main problem iis we don't know how to communicate with people who don't have issues. We people who we feel actracted to do not know how to be intimate and neither do we.

I am afraid if we want a healthy relationship we are going to have to get healthy ourselves otherwise we will not know how to communicate with people who are healthy or to be able to identify a person who is healthy we will just find them boring no?

Savana 54

Sounds like you've made a little bit of progress just by realizing this!!

StandingStrong

Do we ever really learn?
Interesting question as I've been pondering on the "What do we learn?" aspect of it. You see, from the other side of the gate, I will tell you that I was seeing a wonderful person. He treated me and my children wonderfully, he was so many things that my Ah never was to me, and he made me happy. And he loved me.
I stopped seeing him for many reasons. But mostly because of Ah. We are seperated, though not divorced just yet and I was feeling a lot of guilt. On top of that, Ah started "trying" after car accident (not alcohol related) which just added more guilt.
Weird thing for me is that Ah has a lot of baggage right now (possibly a child on the way) and I find that I've been more stressed since we've been seeing each other again. Why didn't I just keep moving on with the other man?
Just makes me wonder if I really am hooked on chaos.

So maybe it's a fine line between all the things you are asking yourself right now. I think that us affected by the A's in our life have alot of issues we need to figure out before any of us can be in a truly healthy relationship.

Savana 54

Hi SS,
Not that it's any of my business, but I do remember you posting that you were very happy in a new relationship with a new guy. I think the last you posted a few months back was that you and your AH were going to have a talk. Then I didn't see you for awhile on SR. I'm sorry for what you're going through with AH.

(((((((((SS)))))))))

StandingStrong

Thank you Savana. After having read what you quoted, I think that for me, it's not so much the chaos as that I have a lot of guilt. For a lot of things. Makes me tend to stall on things. As well as another thread I have posted around here about how I've come to realize that I'm a reactor to my life, not a true life participant.

And take2, to actually answer your question. Yes, I believe there are some normal guys out there. Do we learn from the chaos to get right back into the same situation? I'd say that depends on the person so the answer may be sometimes. And if you find that you are attracted or drawn to the same type all the time, you need to work on you some more (though I also believe that we continuosly grow and that we should always keep working to improve on ourselves).
We do learn things from past relationships. I think it's what we decide to do with those lessons that is important.

Oh, and let me just say that things we do when we are young aren't always a sign of who we will be when we are older. I can think of some pretty stupid things I did when I was younger that I'd hope not to be judged for now as I'm totally not like that person anymore. Just a thought as well.

take2

Thanks all for the feedback. Certainly some food for thought. Looking back I have always been attracted to the same type of man- the types that would always lead me to a site such as this. Since the beginning of dating I have ALWAYS been with the "unhealthy" types. I think I never learned and then I met AH- been 10 years! But I think it has finally shown me that life does not have to be like this.

SS- Thanks for sharing your story. I know how the guilt can really get to you. Thank god I have not gotten the guilt from my AH yet to be together- he is too angry for that. Just the guilt that he is broke! But I am glad to hear you DID meet someone who is healthy and cares for you and the kids. The is my biggest fear that I will forever be alone- granted it is better than being with my AH. But just as an A has slips, so do we! I know you are strong and will find your happiness as well.

And in regards to judging someone's actions when they are younger- you are TOTALLY correct. I was no angel! In fact most people are shocked to hear about things I did 10 years ago vs. who I am today. I think I just got scared to think that this person (whom I find very cute I might add) is "unhealthy" for me. Who knows- he may have really learned from that mistake and he is certainly paying for it today- 10 years later!!! Let's hope it was a mistake and not just his norm!!!

reader

CODIES are like flies to honey. I think alot of it is about breaking the cycle. We want to help, that is our downfall. I am too the point now that everyone has two feet THEY need to stand on them. No one can change anyone. A tiger can't change its spots. Stay well and beware of men in general. I am such a man hater!! LoL Take Care, Kerry

CatsTail

I think that once we begin to take care of ourselves and do things for ourselves our self-esteem and self-respect come.

Then if we continue on focussing on ourselves, learning and living new behaviors we start to grow into new people and we begin to attract a new kind of person, a healthier kind.

It's definitely not hopeless.

Ngaire