Change4life

haven't done coke in more than 50 days, except for one hit, during a momentary memory lapse of all the harm coke has caused me.
I don't know why, but the past few day's have been hell for me. Everything is going relatively well, but I have coke on the brain syndrome. In the short time I have been off coke, life is starting to come together. The $ I would have smoked up is now sitting in my driveway, in the form of a car. 50 day's without using, seems like a small thing, but when I look at the car in the driveway I realize how much better things will get if I can stay clean long term. Meanwhile I am sitting here debating on whether or not I should call my dealer. Intellectually I know I should just go to sleep, but a huge part of me wants to get high.
Here comes my cat, he might not be able to catch a mouse, but he reminds me that he needs me, and if something bad happened to me he would be lost. I wish I could make the cravings go away, but I can't, so I will lay here and pray I can fall asleep.
Staying clean is so hard, drugs are just a phone call away.
I really don't think I will make it through the night, without making that call, I keep trying to sleep so I don't think about it, but I am awake now and ready to go off and running.
There is one person's voice in the back of my head that will hopefully help me through tonight. I hope I can stay clean, I wish I could just fall asleep. I will try to sleep, if I use I will hate myself. If I hate myself I will use, again, and again. I have so much love for everyone around me, why do I have such a hard time loving myself? Anyone have any thoughts on this insanity I am living in?:insane

Autumn

Hey bfree4u. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Don't make that call, ok?

Remember last night how you posted that your friend and her daughter need prayers? Remember how you said how your friend helped you with your addiction? Right now they need you, and if you go back to using, you may fall in so deep, that you won't be there for them when they need you most. Worst of all, is how you know you'll live to regret it.

The most important person of all in this is you, but I wanted to share the above thought too.

xo

Change4life

Autumn, thank you so much!! Sometimes I get so caught up in the moment I forget about the big picture, You are absolutely right. At one point Lynn had called me, and started crying, because she said she really needs me to be there for her. Thank you for reminding me of what is really important.
Do I want to get high, (yeah)..........
but I would rather be here for my friends. I will suffer, and suffer till things get easier, but at this point I can't let my friends down.
I love Lynn her husband, and both her boy's I should be focusing more on those feelings than the need to get high.
THANK YOU AUTUMN!!!

margo

(((((((Beth))))))) Look again at the title of your post and know that what you say is true. It's your addict voice that's talking to you right now and I know it's hard to resist. Just do whatever you have to do not to make that call. Do you have a friend or a family member you can call instead? That voice will go away, Beth - it's strong right now because you're entertaining the thoughts. Play the tape all the way through to the end - not just the getting high part, but what comes afterwards, how you'll feel. Then think about how good you'll feel tomorrow that you haven't used. It gets better, Beth - trust me on that one. If you can't sleep and it's too late to call a friend, take a look through this forum and read some posts - it's very uplifting and inspiring:

http://soberrecovery.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=56

I'm going to say a prayer for you, Beth. You CAN stay clean. Bless you for reaching out. Keep posting!

Autumn

You're welcome, sweetie. Why not do something extra special for yourself tonight?

I'm pretty down tonight also.... wish I could heed my own advice.

I'm kinda just hangin' by a thread too, so you're not alone.

But as we know, this too will pass.

(((HUGS)))

Change4life

Margo, you are right on point. I didn't play the tape allthe way through. The getting high is a small part of the process. I have to think about tomorrow, and you are right I would fel more regret than you know. i really want to be high right now, but eventually the drugs will be gone, and I will still feel bad, actually I wil feel worse. I know what is right, but I still want to make that call. Fighting he cravings with all that I have.

Change4life

Autumn, I am on such a thin thread, and I know what is right, but I feel like I have no control. If I didn't have SR at this moment I would be high as a kite. Maybe higher. I am lonely, I feel like I have no future. All I have is the desire to change the world so there is less suffering. That is a big task for one person to take on, it is an impossible dream, I tend to torture myself in response to all the people in the world that are suffering. I am so sad most of the time. Everyone thinks I am the happy go lucky one, the free spirit, but I am a locked up prisoner behind the invisible world of addiction. It really is not a happy place.

BubbaBob

I don't know what voice that was you spoke of...you didn't say...but, at least for me, I have found that that one voice...that one bit of help I need is always there...if I will just hold out my hand and ask...He has never failed to help me...if I just ask Him.

BubbaBob

shockozulu

Keep fighting Beth. I'm reading you here loud and clear.

Change4life

I am so sad and i just want to be numb

Change4life

I never cry, but the tears are streaming down my face right now. I can't take the arguing between the addict in me and the person desiring sobriety. I wish the two would agree one way or the other. If it is in my destiny to be an addict than I accept. Obviously addiction is not my destiny, if it was I wouldn't be going through this decision process right now. I would just get the drugs and call it a night. Anyone have a tissue?

shockozulu

I've got a tissue my friend. I have a whole box. I wish you could feel my shoulder. Its here for you. Please use it.

Autumn

I feel EXACTLY the way you do. I'm lonely, feel like I have no future, and I'm very sad today. Indeed, it is not a happy place to be.

Forget about changing the world for now - it will still be there when you feel better, and are in a healthier state of mind to take it on.

So far, you have gone 50 days without cocaine. I have gone 14 without alcohol. 50 days is a huge accomplishment!

I read something about control the other day that kind of stayed with me. I don't think these were the exact words, but control is a hallmark of an abuser. Mastering sobriety is about letting go of control. Because when you use, you can't control it. We are powerless over whatever our drug of choice may be.

That probably sounded pretty clumsy, but I'm sure you get my drift.

I'm right here.... I need you too. Man, I'm really depressed.

Anyway, on a postive note, at this moment we are CLEAN & SOBER.

I kind of had a wicked thought just now. Call the cops on the dope man.

The way I see it, the beer bottle won't hug me if I need it, and the dope man won't hug you. He doesn't give a damn how many lives he ruins.

shockozulu

Thanks for sharing that. It was a point I needed to hear tonight.

Change4life

I haven't done coke, but alcohol has slowly been drifting back into my life, This has me extremely depressed. I went a week or so clean, but I am going down hill.

Autumn

You're welcome darlin'. Distraught as I am, It took a few minutes to construct in my mind.

<angst>

Change4life

I am not 100% clean and aober, and doubt if I ever will be able to accomplish that.

Autumn

Forgive me here, Beth, but can you clarify this a little for me? Have you been drinking? Are you cross-addicted?

Autumn

I'm sorry, butterfly. I'm not familiar with your history of abuse.

But you CAN accomplish it though!

Change4life

I am criss-crossed addicted.