Toxic man and his advice to me

Old 10-02-2005, 08:29 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
sketscher's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
Toxic man and his advice to me

I'll try to make this short as possible. I had quite a long conversation w/xabf. I am just going to list some of the things he said to me in no order.

I miss you.

I'm done with women, now I'm just a dad and that's enough for me.

My dad quite drinking.

Probably because his wife said either you quite or I'm done.

(I ask does that work?) Yes it works if someone really means it.

(it didn't work w/your 1st wife though) No, she knew my damage, she thought if she married me I'd get better. (they divorced after only 1 yr)

My brother quit drinking too I think, because of his girlfriend and her kids, she must be some gal. (of course this made me sad thinking well why couldn't you quit for me then or any of your other "gals"? What's wrong with me!!?)

I don't want to quit drinking. Yeah maybe when I'm 60 like my dad and I have nothing else to do but not now.

I don't know why I left you. Good question.

You need to find someone less toxic. There's plenty of other guys out there. I'm just the kind of guy that should be alone.

You know me I'm just an a$$h*le. I can't go w/o being one.

(so why do you keep calling me?) cuz I like you.


Ok so that is about the most important of what was said. I guess I needed a conversation like that though it does make me really sad. Letting go I suppose just a little more and thinking about finding someone else is really scary too. It's so hard to have someone tell you that they think enough of you to wish you a better life than they can offer but at the same time they don't care enough to be that person. And they won't really let go either. I know it's really up to me to sever this. It's not at all to his advantage to let go so why should he?

I did not disagree with him on any of his admissions. And the fact that he has no desire to quit drinking, well I guess that says it all doesn't it. He was drunk during this conversation. He had just awakened after having passed out in his car!

BTW I have not had an kind of relationship beyond work with him for months it's just that I do still care for him. Just wanted you all to be clear on that. He's right he is toxic and it's going to take some time for the toxins to leave my heart.
sketscher is offline  
Old 10-02-2005, 08:55 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
CatsTail's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Yes you are right Skescher it will take time for the toxins to leave your heart.

Be aware also that the conversation you had with him is full of hooks and manipulations.

Ngaire
CatsTail is offline  
Old 10-02-2005, 09:17 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
sketscher's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
ngaire, oooh please tell me about the hooks you see. I am so gullable. All I can see is that he is probably trying to keep me in his life for when he is really lonley.
sketscher is offline  
Old 10-02-2005, 11:03 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
too much on my plate!!
 
Savana 54's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
He is manipulating you, and doing a lot of quacking!! It's all about him, and sounds like none of it is about you...Many A's have low self esteem, and by him playing the "woes me" act, it only validates to him how much you still care, if you tell him you still care and still stay within the constant insanity.
Savana 54 is offline  
Old 10-02-2005, 11:39 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
sketscher's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
I guess that is a problem for me. I do still care and worse I let him know it. Even worse...I don't know why I care about someone who can be so ruthless.
sketscher is offline  
Old 10-02-2005, 12:13 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
CatsTail's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Hi Sketscher,

Originally Posted by sketscher
I'll try to make this short as possible. I had quite a long conversation w/xabf. I am just going to list some of the things he said to me in no order.

I miss you.

(I'm done with women, now I'm just a dad and that's enough for me.)

It's poor me boo hoo, and I want you to feel sorry for me.


My dad quite drinking.

(Probably because his wife said either you quite or I'm done. )

Wants to hook you back in so you'll try the same.

(I ask does that work?) Yes it works if someone really means it.

(it didn't work w/your 1st wife though) No, she knew my damage, she thought if she married me I'd get better. (they divorced after only 1 yr)

(My brother quit drinking too I think, because of his girlfriend and her kids, she must be some gal.) (of course this made me sad thinking well why couldn't you quit for me then or any of your other "gals"? What's wrong with me!!?)

Hook, big hint wantas you to try it with him.

(I don't want to quit drinking. Yeah maybe when I'm 60 like my dad and I have nothing else to do but not now.)

Hook, give you a little hope that MAYBE he will.

(I don't know why I left you. Good question.)

Hook, pretending to be the sensitive guy, playing on your emotions.



(You need to find someone less toxic. There's plenty of other guys out there. I'm just the kind of guy that should be alone.)

Boo hoo hoo poor meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Please come back and try and fix me so I can treat you like crap all over again.

Hope this helps.
Ngaire

You know me I'm just an a$$h*le. I can't go w/o being one.

(so why do you keep calling me?) cuz I like you.


Ok so that is about the most important of what was said. I guess I needed a conversation like that though it does make me really sad. Letting go I suppose just a little more and thinking about finding someone else is really scary too. It's so hard to have someone tell you that they think enough of you to wish you a better life than they can offer but at the same time they don't care enough to be that person. And they won't really let go either. I know it's really up to me to sever this. It's not at all to his advantage to let go so why should he?

I did not disagree with him on any of his admissions. And the fact that he has no desire to quit drinking, well I guess that says it all doesn't it. He was drunk during this conversation. He had just awakened after having passed out in his car!

BTW I have not had an kind of relationship beyond work with him for months it's just that I do still care for him. Just wanted you all to be clear on that. He's right he is toxic and it's going to take some time for the toxins to leave my heart.
CatsTail is offline  
Old 10-02-2005, 02:34 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
sketscher's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
Thank you Ngaire.
sketscher is offline  
Old 10-02-2005, 07:48 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
StandingStrong's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
sketscher wrote:
He was drunk during this conversation.
Sketscher, my AH and I have had many conversations over the past year and a half since we've been split up that have allowed me to somewhat understand what was going on in his head during his active usage. All of these conversations have been held while he was sober.
The thing that disturbs me about your post though is that the conversation you held with him was held when he was drunk.
Please remember that you can't reason with a person who is under the influence. Please remember that they are in a fogged state of mind, and may or may not even remember the conversation - let alone remember it correctly. And I'm not sure about your ex - but alot of people aren't truthful when they are intoxicated either - perhaps because of the fogged state of mind.
If you are looking for answers or reassurances, I'm not sure that listening to your drunk ex is the place to find those answers or reassurances. Remember: You can't always believe what you hear. (And you can't always believe what a person is telling you that is intoxicated)
My heart goes out to you as you struggle through this. I know it's hard when you want to know so many things, often times I think people in general will grasp onto anything that makes sense to get those answers, even when the answers aren't really the true answers.
Please remember to keep focused on you - regardless of what he said. okay?
StandingStrong is offline  
Old 10-03-2005, 02:30 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
sketscher's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
I don't know if those of you who replied to this will see this but I thank you for pointing out what I did not see very clearly. I also rememebered many more things he said later on that were really repeats and I thought not important but they all were focused on HIM and HIS PAIN and sufferering etc... How he now has 2 women who can't stand him for instance. Or how he feels he won't live long. He also told me that even though his wife hates him she still completely blames me for their breakup. That was hurtful and the only reason he must have said it was to make himself look better because he went on to say he explained to her that he was 1/2 at fault.

I know it's all so crazy and stupid for me to even think about him but that night I cried myself to sleep thinking about how much I tried for him and now he wants me to find someone else. I guess I feel like how dare he! I just wish I could not care about him.

I don't know yet how to teach people how to treat me. I still feel like if I treat a guy nicely (the way I'd want to be treated) he'll love me. I don't get it yet I suppose.
sketscher is offline  
Old 10-03-2005, 02:50 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
babeekj's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Tyler, Texas
Posts: 1,028
Honey everything about that conversation was a setup hoping you would beg him to try it again...then when he started acting his same old self he could holler...I told you how I was before we got back together....
Puuhhhleaze..been there done been through that a million times
babeekj is offline  
Old 10-03-2005, 02:59 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
StandingStrong's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
sketscher: We believe because we want too. We want them to be the person that we knew once upon a time or the person that we know they have the ability to be. We hope - we believe - and we love them. Don't beat yourself up for having a heart and wanting to believe some things that would soothe your heart and soul.
Still sending you lots of hugs.
StandingStrong is offline  
Old 10-03-2005, 06:31 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by StandingStrong
sketscher: We believe because we want too. We want them to be the person that we knew once upon a time or the person that we know they have the ability to be. We hope - we believe - and we love them. Don't beat yourself up for having a heart and wanting to believe some things that would soothe your heart and soul.
Still sending you lots of hugs.

Thanks SS; this is so true. I feel better about myself seeing this in black and white.
Pick-a-name is offline  
Old 10-03-2005, 09:03 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
too much on my plate!!
 
Savana 54's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by StandingStrong
sketscher: We believe because we want too. We want them to be the person that we knew once upon a time or the person that we know they have the ability to be. We hope - we believe - and we love them. Don't beat yourself up for having a heart and wanting to believe some things that would soothe your heart and soul.
Still sending you lots of hugs.
I think about my exabf daily, but not the person he is today, but the person he used to be. It's such a shame that he allowed that to all go away and start drinking again So much potential wasted..

Thanks for posting that SS!
Savana 54 is offline  
Old 10-03-2005, 09:33 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Cazza's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Queens, NY
Posts: 71
I think knowing that all that potential is there and is being wasted is the saddest part. It is hard to know that someone with so much going for him/her is throwing it all away. It is hard to sit back and do nothing... that is a struggle for me. It sucks!
Cazza is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:10 PM.