Wow!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Here and now
Posts: 93
Wow!
My neighbor gave me an audio book recently, after I cried on her shoulder about my current problems. It is called Life Strategies, and is by Oprah’s Dr. Phil. I have been playing it at night to quiet the voices in my own head and help me sleep.
Ever since I found out about this current “other women” situation, I have awoken with their names in my brain and a sour, churning stomach. This morning I listened to disc four of the book. It dealt with accountability for our present circumstances and also with the topic of forgiveness.
In the accountability segment, I realized that I have allowed this behavior to continue. He has lied and had other women in the wings for years. When I found out, I would get angry, verbally abuse him, and then he would kiss my ass and “reform” for a period of time. By continuing to be a part of this system, he has learned that he can treat me this way, and still have a relationship with me. Also, when he does “misbehave” he gets tons of my attention. Even though it is negative attention, it is still attention. I have, in essence, reinforced his behavior.
In the forgiveness segment, it talked about hurt, resentment, hate and anger. Even though all those feelings are natural under the circumstances, the person they are hurting is me. They paralyze and cripple me, and turn my attention from the other good in my life. That continues to give him power over me and my life.
I thought a person had to be sorry for their actions, have remorse, (be punished?) and want to be forgiven in order for forgiveness to happen. I see now that it isn’t so. Forgiveness means that I release the power that their actions had over my life. It doesn’t mean that what they did is okay, or acceptable, or that they have my permission to do it to me again, what it means is that their behavior does not have to be about me, or cause me bad feelings about myself. I get to choose.
I can heal by giving to myself first all those things I have been giving to others, and resenting them for because they did not give it back, and rarely showed appreciation for it. I must take care of myself first. His book says I will meet resistance for it at first, but that I must remain strong.
I was also particularly attentive to something he said about unhealthy relationships: “I would rather be well by myself than sick with someone else.”
I really feel that information that came to me this morning was an answer to many of my prayers. It really helped me. Hope it helps for some of you, too!
Smiles and hugs!!!
:shades:
Ever since I found out about this current “other women” situation, I have awoken with their names in my brain and a sour, churning stomach. This morning I listened to disc four of the book. It dealt with accountability for our present circumstances and also with the topic of forgiveness.
In the accountability segment, I realized that I have allowed this behavior to continue. He has lied and had other women in the wings for years. When I found out, I would get angry, verbally abuse him, and then he would kiss my ass and “reform” for a period of time. By continuing to be a part of this system, he has learned that he can treat me this way, and still have a relationship with me. Also, when he does “misbehave” he gets tons of my attention. Even though it is negative attention, it is still attention. I have, in essence, reinforced his behavior.
In the forgiveness segment, it talked about hurt, resentment, hate and anger. Even though all those feelings are natural under the circumstances, the person they are hurting is me. They paralyze and cripple me, and turn my attention from the other good in my life. That continues to give him power over me and my life.
I thought a person had to be sorry for their actions, have remorse, (be punished?) and want to be forgiven in order for forgiveness to happen. I see now that it isn’t so. Forgiveness means that I release the power that their actions had over my life. It doesn’t mean that what they did is okay, or acceptable, or that they have my permission to do it to me again, what it means is that their behavior does not have to be about me, or cause me bad feelings about myself. I get to choose.
I can heal by giving to myself first all those things I have been giving to others, and resenting them for because they did not give it back, and rarely showed appreciation for it. I must take care of myself first. His book says I will meet resistance for it at first, but that I must remain strong.
I was also particularly attentive to something he said about unhealthy relationships: “I would rather be well by myself than sick with someone else.”
I really feel that information that came to me this morning was an answer to many of my prayers. It really helped me. Hope it helps for some of you, too!
Smiles and hugs!!!
:shades:
Member
Join Date: May 2002
Location: San diego, CA, USA
Posts: 86
((((((((((((Along))))))))))))))))))
Wow... That was such a great post... I can totally relate to everything you are saying.... Thank you so much for sharing...
Your friend in Recovery... Clowie
Wow... That was such a great post... I can totally relate to everything you are saying.... Thank you so much for sharing...
Your friend in Recovery... Clowie
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Along,
Thanks for your post. I have that book, "Life Strategies" but, to be honest, I haven't had time to read it. I did see the book on tape the other day and considered getting it cause I know I'll NEVER get around to reading the book. You've convinced me to go buy the book on tape. Thanks, hon! Hang in there. We will make it. Heck, I know I'M too dern stubborn not to!!!
Hugs!
Thanks for your post. I have that book, "Life Strategies" but, to be honest, I haven't had time to read it. I did see the book on tape the other day and considered getting it cause I know I'll NEVER get around to reading the book. You've convinced me to go buy the book on tape. Thanks, hon! Hang in there. We will make it. Heck, I know I'M too dern stubborn not to!!!
Hugs!
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Much of what many writers write parallels the alanon program. That is when I first began to trust the 12 steps. All of the things you just quoted are straight out of the 12 steps and to hear them the way you did opened your heart. Your HP was at work bringing the message to you in the way you needed to hear.
Now reread some of the posts here and some of the other reading material, like Melody Beattie and you will see the a similar message in many differant ways. The more ways the better.
It is a powerful experience when you begin to get it!
(((HUGS)))
JT
Now reread some of the posts here and some of the other reading material, like Melody Beattie and you will see the a similar message in many differant ways. The more ways the better.
It is a powerful experience when you begin to get it!
(((HUGS)))
JT
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
Along,
I just wanted to share with you, just like JT said, it is a beautiful thing when you finally get it. When things started to click in my head about everything I started to get better. You will too....keep on getting all the information you can. There is a big, bright, shiny light at the end of the tunnel.
Love ya~
I just wanted to share with you, just like JT said, it is a beautiful thing when you finally get it. When things started to click in my head about everything I started to get better. You will too....keep on getting all the information you can. There is a big, bright, shiny light at the end of the tunnel.
Love ya~
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