melachiro

I want to start off by saying that I am going to my first alinon meeting this Saturday at the advice of many friends.

I need to give some background so you all may be able to help me.

The following is an email I received from my wife on 10DEC04...

Hello, I am sorry for everything, I have a problem and I need help, I never thought that I would have the same problem as my whole family does, but I see that i do. There are a lot of **** that has happened, mostly due to me, because i have this problem. This week has been horrible for me, from us to the kids to my mom and the only thing that helps ovals is drinking which is not the right thing. I am telling you this because I love you and I don't know what to do. I need your help and probably someone Else's to get over this. I don't want to become my father and ruin my kids and my relationship because I can not handle what I am doing. I want you to know that it is not you entirely, and that nothing has happened with anyone else. travis I am so sorry and I need you right now. If you want to say **** it I understand and there is nothing I can do, it is something that I have done and I can't undo it. All that I know is that I want to be happy, and right now I have no idea how to do that. My moms death has done something to me and I don't know how to recover from it. I have had thought's about leaving entirely, but the kids and you get in my mind and I just can't do it. I seriously need your help. if you can't I understand and some how will deal with that.

me

Sometime between then and March she started having an affair with a bartender as she is one also and walked out on me and the kids but, did watch the kids on days and some nights. after March she got a domestic assualt against me, biting my cheek after coming home drunk and got a DUI as well pulling into her lovers driveway. This guy rents a room in a house with plywood on some of the windows, he has nothing and I am a Chiropractor who loves his family. I have had to file for divorce to protect myself and have a chance for custody. She is a constant deception. She had not put any effort into saving our marriage and states that she would have left regardless of the other man. Her father died from alcoholism 6 years ago and her mother passed away from cancer two years ago. She says she hates God because of this and definitly changed after her mothers death. She still works 5 nights a week in a bar and stays with him almost all the time.

I suppose I should quit rambling and ask my big question. How can someone write an email like that in December and then not try to fix our marriage when I realised, too late, how bad things were? Is there any hope that someday she will get better when she acts as though she doesn't have any problems now that she left the marriage and won't get help?

Lost

UrbanFool

Travis,

It's because she's an alcoholic and not in her right mind. If she seeks help, she'll likely feel REALLY remorseful and want to come home. Do you want her?

I've done a lot of crap.. 2 DUI's, and have court tomorrow, but I can't say I've ever even thought about going out on my husband.

You have a whole lot of crap here. But I think the bottom line is that she's living some kind of fantasy, and eventually that balloon will pop.

Kelly

Ann

Welcome to SoberRecovery, I'm glad you joined us.

It's hard to find any logic in anything an active alcoholic does or says, they are confused enough about themselves and their thoughts rarely make much sense.

I'm sorry you have been through all this, and perhaps you'd like to introduce yourself on the Friends and Family forum where there are many who have been where you are. Many of them go to Al-Anon and if you haven't been to a live meeting maybe try a few and see if it helps.

Loving someone who is active in their addiction is painful and chaotic, it truly is a family disease. i hope you find support here that will help you find a way to look after yourself and heal from the damage that has been done in your relationship.

Again, welcome.

Hugs
Ann

melachiro

Thanks Ann, and others...

I am actually excited for the meeting on Saturday but, for the longest time I have fought going just thinking "why should I go, I don't have the problem"

Another thing I don't understand is she doesn't drink like her Dad, it isn't a wake up and drink thing, I guess I am trying to classify different degrees of alcoholism or some such thing.

The more I dwell the more I think she is now in a relationship with someone exactly like her Dad and who won't judge her as he is doing the same thing.

If she watches the kids on Saturday morning is it ok to tell her where I am going? I am worried it could make things worse.

nocellphone

Alcoholism is a disease, though the symptoms may manifest differently from person to person. However, sick is sick, as you have been witnessing.


You're not going to Al-Anon to get at her. You're going to Al-Anon to help yourself. Whether she understands this or not matters little. What's important is that you understand it...

I honor you for the courage it takes to get to that first meeting. Let us know how it goes, and I hope you'll come introduce yourself in the Friends and Families forum!

snowdeep

I'm sorry to hear your painfull story.. My exwife did something very similar after I put her through anastesia (sp? I'm tired) school. We didn't have kids and she wouldn't allow the marriage to be saved-so I had to let her go..
totally different situation. I feel for you. You must go through bouts of anger/sadness/etc. makes me want to use just thinking about it. Only thing I can say is save the kids. At least protect them and love them so they don't repeat...

blackburn

just like to say anyone out there who as any problems at all in the world today that i hope things improve i am a alcholic in sobriety with plenty of problems and looking through other peaples troubles mine fall in to insignificance but things do get better