Autumn

Hello all.

I'm a newbie. Please forgive me if there is another thread dedicated to this topic. If so, please direct me!

I have a lot on my plate; I am an alcoholic and quit drinking ten days ago, but my live-in fiance is an active alcoholic. We have been engaged for three years - there is no rush to marry and no set date. I am mostly seeking advice on how to cope with his situation in my own recovery.

It's a double whammy, to be sure. I am not idealistic. I fully understand and accept that I cannot change him, nor will I attempt to do so.

I would probably leave if I had the means.

Then there's a side of me that wants to set a good example for him out of humanity and love. To be there as a source of support if he does decide to quit. Painfully apparent is the fact that he isn't the type to seek external support.

Knowing me, it's unlikely that I will stick it out forever. I am very introverted (no close friends) and expect a lot from our relationship in a reciprocal aspect. He's the closest person in my life. That is really hard on me, because when he's drunk, he's not 100% there, period. I need that from him. Though I realize it isn't possible, how do I deal with it?

I am comfortable with being an introvert, and don't have much interest or feel an unsuppressible urge to attend outside meetings. I read and write a lot, and am pretty much a homebody (except for work).

I have tried to quit drinking before while we were together, but I don't want to fail this time due to temptation. For me, alcohol was a way to escape the reality of his drinking problem (among other reasons - he's certainly not to blame for my own alcoholism). Now, being alcohol-free, there is no escape from seeing him intoxicated, and the whole of the situation.

I would be grateful for any thoughts, and thanks for reading my post.

Minx1969

Hiya Autumn,

Welcome!! I'm sure I won't be the first to say that congrats on your sobriety! 10 years is awesome..

I'm sure everyone will tell you to try Alanon..There are a lot of double winners (AA's and Alanons) that are in the program...

Alanon is great for giving you tools on how to live with active alcoholism..Hope you'll give it chance..

it's helped me a lot.

Minx

Gabe

Hi Autumn
Oh look, you answered your own question.
If you need him 100%, you aren't going to get what you need while he's still drinking.
No matter how much you love him.
Your sobriety has to come first.
I can't imagine anyone being able to maintain a sober lifestyle while living with someone who is still drinking.
That is not to say that you demand he quit, that's his gig when he's ready.
But you have to put yourself and what you need first.
Otherwise, none of the rest of it will work.
Congrats on your ten days.
Keep up the good work.

Cynay

Welcome Autumn.... we are glad you found us.

I too would suggest Al-anon even if you just want to sit in and listen there is alot of good advise that comes out of it.

Congrad on your 10 days!!!!!

I did not live with my ex-abf for long once he was sober, not my choice but his. Im not an A so it would be impossible for me to know how hard this is for you. Have you thought of posting on the A boards.... they might be able to give you some insite into what they went through.

Take care and again Congrads!

FaithChaser

Autumn,

Ten days is awsome, but in just beginning the road to recovery, you have lots to learn. In NA and AA they say that if you are in a relationship to stay in it for one year. If you are not in a relationship, don't get into one for one year. I think the reason is that you need to be just focusing on YOU, not on the ending or beginning of a relationship. I'm not sure if that is why, but I know what they teach works! I know and understand the double whammy well, I was clean for years before I met my AH OOOPS. Started using again and met him. Anyway, it's not easy, but the learning process has been incredible.

Have you tried AA or Alanon? Even in being an introvert, it's important to step past that and find others that are dealing with the same problems. That's how we learn, from other people, be it books, online, or at meetings we need other's experiences.

One of the big problems in addiction for me has been the belief that I'm different from everyone else with this problem. I've not met an addict that believes otherwise. Working the steps, finding a sponsor, and all that recovery stuff is there for a reason, and has been in place for a VERY long time for a reason. Because it WORKS!

If I want to stay clean, I was told I had to be willing to go to the lengths that I would go to to use. It has to be your number one priority. They say 90 meetings in 90 days... Sounds like a lot of work, but your life is worth it.

The very best of luck to you,

~FaithChaser

Cap3

Welcome!!!..Autumn!!!!.Congrats on 10 days soberiety.Way to go!!!!.
Im an alcoholic,sober by Gods grace,and hub is also.Both of us are in AA.I was 10 years sober before hub came to AA.We were,living together then as we are still.,today.It wasnt hard on me,working my own recovery,while he was still in da cups.Because i had,had it,with all of the drinking.My drinking,that is.Shifting my focus to my own recovery.One Day At A Time..As an alcoholic myself and living with another,i feel that i needed both AA/Al-anon.I cant say enough great things about these programs.They work,when i work them...
All the best of da best,
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!!!!!!

Autumn

Thanks so much for all of your responses. I was inclined to reply last night, but was having some technical difficulties. Hopefully it won't happen again, and I can I respond to each of your posts.

I have had some experience with AA meetings in the past, but not Al-Anon. Do they offer open as well as closed meetings like AA? I think attending an open meeting would be more comfortable for me at first.

Also, I imagine there must be some people in Al-Anon who harbor some real resentment toward alcoholics. Would this be a problem for me?

TIA

Autumn

Thanks for your response, Minx! Only, I have been sober just ten days (wish it was ten years, lol)!

I might just try some meetings.... thanks for the advice.

Autumn

Hi Gabe and thanks!

I agree very much with your post. I'm pretty much maintaining a detached attitude about his continued drinking; it's all I can do to maintain my own sobriety.

It IS hard to imagine maintaining a sober lifestyle while living with someone who is still drinking. I suppose you really have to be in the situation to get a feel for what it's like. I guess what motivates me to stay sober is just being fed up with alcohol in my own life. So far, so good. Just joining this message board has helped immeasurably.

Thanks for your positive thoughts!

Autumn

And I am thanking my lucky stars that I have found SR!!

Hi Cynay!

I may try some meetings. I'm still pretty much trying to ground myself, and figure out which direction to take that will work best for me.

Gosh, that was pretty lousy that he left you after he became sober, after all you had to tolerate. I'm so sorry that happened.

I have been a busy little bee, so yes, I have been posting on the A boards.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

Cynay

If anyone in Al-anon holds resentments then they are not working their recovery program and that is not your concern. I think you will find they welcome you with open arms.

Yea it kinda sucked at the time.... who am I fooling it really sucked.. but you know what, just because the A stops drinking does not mean they are in anyway healthy... he is a dry drunk and his life is now his to manage. I have had no contact with him now for about 4 months but through mutual friends Im pretty sure nothing has changed other then he is not drinking. I wish him the best and hold not resentment because he did me a HUGE favor if the truth be known.... I would not have left and he would have continued to treat me like crap and cheated... its just who he is. I was not a saint when he decided to stop drinking, in fact I started drinking more... alot of it was because of anger and spite. I was not a happy girl to say the least.

Life from here looks SO much brighter, I was blessed to be removed from that life and lifestyle ... If I ever have to make amends to him I can honestly say I have MUCH to thank him for. Most dont hate the A's in their lives, we love them and sometimes WAY too much. Give it a shot, it cant hurt.

Autumn

Hi FaithChaser, and thanks for your response.

I have tried AA, and it went ok. I attended both open and closed meetings. At first, I didn't like the idea of having to stand up when they asked if there was anyone new in attendance. A couple of times they asked me to read some handouts out loud. One time I did, but I felt uncomfortable, and another time, I just refused, but I was apologetic and polite about it. Still, the guy kind of gave me the evil eye, lol.

I have all the AA based publications (I think) and am in the process of still dusting them off. I like the chapter in the "Big Book" titled "To Wives". I'm not his wife, but after five years of living together I guess it's kind of the same, sans vows. The committment is there. My biggest comfort is education through reading, and writing down my thoughts. Even if I decide not to attend meetings, I will definitely pick up some Alanon publications. Even if I have to drag my butt to a meeting to get some. The used bookstore is one of my favorite haunts.

Believe it or not though, I really don't view myself as different from other addicts. I mean, I recognize differences in how some aspects of addictions differ; for instance, I'm an alcoholic who mostly stuck to drinking beer (and lots of it), while the next guy/gal may have chugged a gallon of vodka a day. My fiance reacts to achohol in a different way psychologically than I did. But yeah, an addict is an addict, no matter how you slice it.

Interesting concept about the "one year" thing with regard to relationships that I hadn't heard before. Are you still with your AH?

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and wisdom.

Autumn

Thanks Cynay. I was a little concerned about this. I probably will attend some meetings, but I will educate myself regarding their philosophy and program first. I would like to be prepared.

Well, then it's definitely to your advantage that you're not with him anymore, and you're much better off. Sounds like he has some growing up to do.

I will probably do that, Cynay. I can understand about loving someone WAY too much. Not only is my fiance an alcoholic, but some years ago he sustained a serious head injury that cost him 10% of his brain. So that complicates the whole situation in general. I am able to separate the two, however. I don't blame his drinking on the results of his head injury. He's just about 100% functional without alcohol, and he's aware that he should quit. The fact of the matter is that alcohol could inflict some further serious damage to his brain that might not otherwise happen to an alcoholic without a head injury. So in that aspect, I feel like he needs me that much more. What a mess, huh?

Thanks for writing back.

xo

Cynay

Yea sounds like you have your hands full.... Im always amazed at the people that can stay with their A's ... that can detach and still be loving and supportive. Im not proud to say that I so far am not built that way.... but I accept who I am with all my strengths and weaknesses. Had he not had an affair, asked me to leave... he might not be sober today cuz I was REALLY angry and have to say my behavior then was pretty insane for me.

Just remember that you cant help out anyone if you dont take care of yourself first.... Take care of your recovery and do what you have to do. Al-anon is not that much different then AA... so if you have done your research on AA you have covered most of Al-anon... just subsitute the word ________ (A's name) with Alcohol. If the A is addicted to the drink, a Codi is addicted to the person.... and we develope some bad habbits over time. We try to fix everything and we make excuses up the wazoo for what is happening around us that really does not have anything to do with us. At least that is what do .........ACK DID.... that is right DID *laughs*

Ok so Im still a little guilty of it still with my daughter.

Autumn

Hi Cap3, and thanks for your response.

It is a true inspiration to me that you have survived such an ordeal. (((HUGS))) and a big congratulations to you and your hubby.

I have had it with alcohol too, and that is what motivates me the most.

Thanks too, for your advice and sharing your story.

It sounds like all of you don't have enough good things to say about Alanon, so I will definitely consider some meetings, even if I don't attend right away.

My fiance and I work conflicting shifts; he works days and I work nights while sharing a vehicle, so it won't be often that I will be able to go to meetings. But I suppose even attending once in awhile is better than not at all.

xo

Autumn

I'm glad that you had the strength and intelligence to reach for help. I don't think that not being able to tolerate living with an alcoholic is necessarily a weakness; on the contrary. Everyone has a breaking point. You're in a healthier situation now, right? Then it's all good. I have a breaking point too, and might not stick with him forever. If my fiance treated me the way your boyfriend treated you, that would have been my breaking point as well, no doubt. Amazingly, he's held the same full-time job for 8 years and is faithful. He can be very emotionally abusive at times, though. But, he's home at night and is otherwise pretty good to me. So I'll stick around and see what happens.

Yep Cynay, taking care of me and my recovery is absolutely the priority.

So, substitute the A's name with alcohol, huh? Couldn't resist a chuckle there. The big brown bottle of Budweiser gets home from work around 4:30, lol! Thanks for the laugh... I needed it.

I really need to study up on the difference between enabling and supportive behavior. Until I learn that, I suppose I'll maintain a certain degree of detachment.

Thanks again for writing, darlin'.

(((HUGS)))

Cynay

ROFL..... So Mr. Bud comes home at 4:30 huh?????

Well I have to say in all honesty that was not the first time my ex had cheated on me and acted unacceptable... in the year before this happened there were at least 4 or so times he had broke up (to be with another) and generally treated me VERY badly. Once was when my mom died and I called him to come over. The next day he told me he was going to go home and give me some time alone (we had broke up 3 weeks before and he was chasing a bar tender) ... when it all came out he said he could not deal with my mourning and did not want to be around me till I had it more together.

I guess what Im trying to get across is ..... What was wrong with me that I would accept that behavior? That is where my recovery comes in... Al-anon has helped alot with that as well as alot of reading and relearning to believe in me. It is amazing how well an A can mess with your mind and self esteem. Part of it all is taking responsibility for my part in it all.... and BOY did I let myself go downhill.... WELL, not anymore. Its all UPHILL from here till I reach that place that gets sunshine all the time again *laughs* ok... so a little drama

free_2_bme

Oh my God Autumn you are living my life! jk! I've been sober for 2yrs. and am living with an acctive alcoholic too. It's been so hard at times. Sometimes he keeps me sober by seeing him drunk, because it reminds me why I got sober! But I've just about had enough of it. His empty promeses to stop and the word sorry, oh please **** or get off the pot all ready! I haven't gone to any meeting and often wonder if im just not drinking or if im really sober even though i feal I've worked the program with the knowlage i have of it. Im thinking that i might have to look into alano though to help me with him. But like you i rather not air my durty laundry in public! That's why i looked up this site and im hoping it will help me. Once i get comfortable hear i'll see if he'll take a look at it and maybe it will help him. Guys they just don't know how to deal with their feeling (ok not all guys!). Hang in their !

smilingeyes

Dear Autumn,

Your post really resonated for me, on a lot of levels. I am a recovering alcoholic, and an introvert. Since you seem to enjoy reading so much [and I do, too, believe me!] have you checked out the Women for Sobriety website and Jean Kirkpatrick's books? I found that their philosophy and positive attitude really really helped me in the early days. Even today, 16 years sober, I remind myself, "Enthusiasm is my daily exercise!"

The other part of your story which 'hit home' was the part about your financee's head injury. I had one myself, 10 years ago, and had to relearn so many things, because of the brain damage. Actually, I had been sober six years at the time I had my injury, and sometimes I think that the 'brain damage' is a little like being drunk -- being forgetful, for example - without the hangover.

Well, I wish I had time to write more, but I'm at work, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone -- AND the getting and staying sober is one of the best things that life has to offer. Without question.

Good luck and keep posting!

Zoey

Autuum...Welcome to SR..
At meetings I believe it is fine, to say I pass, or say, "I just need to listen"
All kinds in both meetings, most will understand that, as bet many were not ready to talk.
At Al-Anon just take things with a grain of salt. Some of us are sooo angry and frustratated that we call the A's every name in the book. But it is my A in my situation, nothing against you or your A or alcoholics.
Not meaning to, we sometimes lump everyone into one, and it sounds like all A's are are horrible. I believe we all know there are exceptions, just don't always say it.

In meetings and here, take what you can use and leave the rest.
All my comments are just my 2 cents.
Keep coming back. LV YA