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Friend asked for money

Old 09-25-2005, 09:58 PM
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Friend asked for money

Glad I found a site like this! I have a friend who's been a heroin addict for at least a year. She got married to a guy that used to use but now he is using again and so is she. They have a 2 year old too. She told me about a year ago she was addicted but doesnt seem to be doing anything about it. She doesnt work and her husband has trouble holding down a job now. I finally told her to talk to her family about her problem and she did but when I talked to her mom on the phone she said my friend wasnt really open to the treatment options her mom(a nurse) laid out for her. Well every time I go home and she looks worse and worse and mentally seems to be on edge. I've never been an addict but used to smoke pot and experiment with other drugs in my early 20's. Many of my friends now are addicts of one thing or another.

I have since joined the Army to get away from my home town and it has been very positive for me. To the surprise and relief of my parents I am now a responsible and independant member of society I am on the other side of the country though and rarely get to go home. For the 1st time my friend called me (leaving a message) today asking for money for her electric bill as its ready to be shut off (her mom told me she wont give her any more as it just goes into her arm). I didnt call back cause I didnt know what to do. I couldnt decide if I should lie and say I was low on money this month or to be blunt about what I really thought. I decided not to call back at all and have spent all day on the net looking for some sort of info or support. Actually I love her more then just a friend but she is married now. I even had the crazy idea of trying to convince her to leave her husband and marry me as my army benefits might cover the costs of drug rehab. However I've spent some time today on this site and realize that I'm a codependant. I think. She has got to hit bottom before she really tries to quit. I'm just afraid she wont survive it. I just want to save her but dont think that I can. Well I've only scratched the surface of what these forums have to offer. Will read more.
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Old 09-25-2005, 10:26 PM
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Welcome to SR, KVP!!!
You've found a great place for support here, in dealing with addiction. My son is the heroin addict in my life; many others have loved ones in the same boat.

You said you think you're codependent? It does sound it, from what you've written. Please get Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. It will help you see what you're doing that is unhealthy, and help you make better choices. Read the stickys on the top of the forum, too. They are filled with important information. Especially the one titled "What Addicts Do."

Please do not send your friend money. Her mom is right. She will only use with it. That's enabling her. We codependents have to be very careful. It's easy for us to get caught up in the drama, and enable our loved ones right into the grave. You do not have to explain why - if she asks. "No" is a complete sentence. But, if you feel the need to elaborate, tell her you love her enough to say "no."

Congratulations on getting out of that scene! And thank you for being of service to our country! You sound like a very special guy who cares about your friend very much. I hope she knows how very lucky she is.

Stick around and post as much as you'd like. We're here, and we care.
Shalom!
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Old 09-25-2005, 11:00 PM
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Welcome to SR!

I want to thank you for helping protect our country and it's way od life. You are hope for our future.

Blessings....

And I concurr with historyteach.
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Old 09-26-2005, 02:44 PM
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You will find that addicts and alcoholics always offer up WAAY more info than normal people would when they are asking for money. They always offer up the "house is gonna get taken"'s or the "Car is gonna get repo'd" or in your case the "powers getting shut off". You dont even have to investigate or feel out there situation first. They just come right out with it. Most of the time its BS designed to generate pity. Once pity sets in,..its very hard to say no. Addicts know this and are masters at planting the pity seed. Dont buy into it. If you absolutely need to make sure she has to have the power on (for instance if theres children involved ) than offer to pay it directly TO the power company. Dont give her a check or cash. Shes probably lying to you though.
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Old 09-26-2005, 03:27 PM
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Coming from a recovered heroin addict (myself) and having a child who is now 4 but was 2 for a whole year, during my using career. . .and having a husband (daughter's father) that used as well. . .I can certainly tell you that we can come up with the most outragous stories when looking for away to get our next high. . .However, it has been my experience by having a loving family & friends that never disowned me (thank God), and continued to help me. . .If you can afford to help with their electric bill. . .please do & don't let that baby suffer consequences that she/he has no control over. . .it's starting to get cold outside also. . .But my suggestion is to tell your friend that you will pay the bill - but send the money (in a money order/credit card pymt. over the phone - however you can) directly to the power company. . .If she declines your offer, simply tell her that you know what the reason that lyes beneath borrowing the money is. . .and you are not willing to contribute to helping her kill heself. . . .
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Old 09-26-2005, 05:58 PM
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Welcome Kvp!

Lots of great people here!

I had a sister like that, and I often sent money, as I was the only in the family who never said no.....took me a long while to do what got2loveme said, and rightfully so, I did that the last time with my sister and she hung up on me. After calling collect many times that day.

She hasn't asked me for money since that time. Although on the rare occassion I go to see her, which is usually in the midst of a crisis, I do leave money because I can't bare to see her live like she is...and I know, probably not a dime made to pay for anything wise, but guess it eases my conscience.

Everyone above is right, she has to want to quit for herself, hopefully her family will intervene and take her daughter if need be. That's what we did with my sister, until the boys grew up and went to live on their own.

I'll pray for your friend.
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Old 09-27-2005, 10:04 AM
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Protect the child!

Hi kvp...if you do nothing else protect the child. Can you imagine the situations she's in? She walks in Mom's bedroom and sees her shooting up.
She sees Daddy banging. Where is the money coming from? I did a lot of drugs for a lot of years but never, NEVER, let my kids (4 kids- 3 boys and a girl)) see it. My kids saw me in strange situations but never saw me with a spike. They saw me drinking, smoking pot but thanks to a beautiful , heroic wife she shielded them from what you describe in your friends life.
Nothing...NOTHING is more important than that 2 yr old, TWO YEARS OLD, be removed from that situation
Call the police, call any agency that can take that child from a pair of junkies.
Think about the night they fall asleep and drop a cigarette on a flammable surface and the 2 yr old, who is unable to defend herself, burns to death.
If she's asking for money what do you think she'll spend it on? Milk, Cheerios,
paying the heating bill? Any and all junkies will spend borrowed money on dope. The reason they are borrowing money is they spent all their money on dope already.
If your friend refuses treatment options ..."nothing changes unless something changes". She has choices and options. The child does not.
Children are subject to whatever their parents decide.
Maybe the idea of losing their child will motivate them to clean up. I wish you well and good luck with your friend(s).
God bless
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Old 09-27-2005, 10:33 AM
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I was on both sides of this situation before. The one asking for money and now the one being asked.

My sister asked me for some money for a bus ticket back home to get away from her abusive boyfriend and lifestyle of using. So here I went to the rescue and sent her some money. I even went as far as to use my connections(not those types of connections!! I know what you were thinking!!) to get her an apartment. Well, she never got on the bus and I still haven't heard back from her. This was 2 months ago.

Having ones we love using is very hard. She is still my Baby Sis but I now refuse to help her to get loaded. I dread the day when she calls and asks for some "help". I Love her dearly but I just can't deal with this anymore

Input into current situation ; Maybe pay directly to the power company?
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Old 09-27-2005, 01:45 PM
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Welcome kvp! You're cordially invited to come and visit us in the Friends & Families forum...


Originally Posted by kvp138
I couldnt decide if I should lie and say I was low on money this month or to be blunt about what I really thought.
Lying only creates a second, unnecessary problem. I've learned that "No" is a complete sentence, and an important one as well. Perhaps your friend needs to experience the consequences of her unhealthy choices. If she never does, why would she ever change?

Originally Posted by kvp138
I even had the crazy idea of trying to convince her to leave her husband and marry me as my army benefits might cover the costs of drug rehab.
Soooooooooooooooo glad you realize this is crazy talk! :slaphead
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