Angry, need to vent before I react!

Old 09-25-2005, 08:18 PM
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Ugh!
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Angry Angry, need to vent before I react!

Wow, it was a different scene at my home this eve. Came home after work, hubby was out drinking. First the excuse that football was on buddy wanted to go watch it, then the drinking alone. I ignored it, went about my business, cooked, did laundry, etc. He comes back and asks where I was, hmmmmm? Ignored it, said I was at work. Got dinner ready, special day for me cuz desperate housewives is on, one of my favs. I go about my business, get dinner ready, he puts on 20/20 or one of those shows. Starts ranting and raving about it, says that they will start ripping apart Bush, okay? I'm totally not political, learned my lesson there, I have not the knowledge to argue about it so I choose not to, it causes arguments. He was in the mood for a fight, I don't want to go there. Not worth my energy. He starts turning his anger toards me, told him his anger is abusive when he turns it towards me, put me in a corner in the conversation and insisted that I admit that I lied when I said he was being abusive. I remain calm, told him he's trying to get a reaction out of me and I don't want to play that game. I actually started laughing because I could really see when I took myself out of the emotion, and stepped back from the situation that I could see that he was just being drunken and crazy. He shouts at me that everyone that knows me, knows I'm insane, this isn't the first time he's said this and it was hurtful. I really do think I'm insane, so him backing that really hurt He goes outside and sits for a while, comes back and says he's sorry that I took his anger personally... I told him then CALMLY that he doesn't take me seriously but he's about to find out how serious I am. I told him the birthday party I have planed for his 40th is going to be paid for but I won't be showing up... now if I could back that up it would be miraculous. I feel like crap and I feel like reacting but I know better. This is a hard place to be. I'll be sleeping on the uncomfortable couch but at least I can sleep there...
don't know if I'll be sleeping, he's passed out, makes me so mad that he can sleep I want to pound him over the head and hurt him like he's hurt me...grrrrr don't know what to do with this anger!!!!

Hugs,
~FaithChaser
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Old 09-25-2005, 08:27 PM
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FC, I can only tell you from experience that when they can't hurt you with the words they normally yell out they have to dig deeper and find something to say that they know will really push your buttons. His mission was accomplished tonight. I am certain that he does not belive that you are insane nor do all of the other people that know you.

Don't let something he said to you in a drunken conversation get to you. You know the trash that is dealt out during those times. And I certainly wouldn't be sleeping on the couch if I was you. Get your butt right into that bed. If you need more room, maybe you can take the sheet off the bed & slightly pull him off onto the floor.

Just for the record.....let me repeat......you are NOT insane!
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Old 09-25-2005, 08:30 PM
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Oh ...please go to your happy place...

This whole night was SOOOO not about you. You do know that. It is the hardest thing in the world not to react when their crap is being thrown at you. It is totally abusive and totally NOT OK. Yet if you (me, us, them) are not ready to follow up, then anything we say in that moment means nothing. Actually anything we say in that moment will most likely NOT be remembered.

Tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start and this life we have is day to day, hour to hour, moment to moment and breath to breath.

Breath deeply and know what you already know. This rage is NOT about you of course. Your reaction is SOOO the reaction that people in a "healthy" relationship would have taken. Forgive yourself the fact that you momentarly forgot that you can not rationalize with an irrational person. Normal stuff does not cut it.

If you choose to stay with an alcoholic the rules of "normal reaction" go out the window. You (me, us, them) are living a new set of rules. Things like "Do not respond when confronted with stupid ass stuff" and "Walk away, walk away, walk away and breath" are a daily mantra.

The debate over if this is HEALTHY belongs elsewhere, the reality is that for now, for this day, for this hour, for this minute, it is YOUR (MINE, OURS, THEIR) reality. And we do the best we can do.

Peace to you and when you wake up tomorrow I pray that you can find something about the day that brings you a REAL laugh and REAL joy and a sense that you KNOW you are a good person.

Sleep well.

Jenny
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Old 09-25-2005, 08:46 PM
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I told him the birthday party I have planed for his 40th is going to be paid for but I won't be showing up... now if I could back that up it would be miraculous.
I learned not to dish out threats that I wasn't prepared to follow through with actions. If you've done this before (like most of us Codies have), then your A already knows it's just an idle threat and there will be no consequences for his actions.

By making a threat and then not following through, you're sending a signal to your A that it's OK for him to mistreat you.

So, are you prepared to follow through with this threat and show him with your actions that you mean business?
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Old 09-25-2005, 08:54 PM
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FC, Two weapons of alcoholics are creating anger and arousing anxiety (It says on alanon pamphlet). My AH whether drunk or sober have always tried to get a reaction from me. During my pre-alanon days, I would get in arguments with him and at the end it left me feel worthless and I ended up apologizing to him, desperate for his approval. Looking back at that, it was a crazy time.

Now, I don't play his game and it frustrated him because he knows he is losing his grip/control on me. So, walk away.... You are not insane. You just living in an insane relationship. My AH latest game is trying to convince me that I am the one with a problem (insane) to shift the focus of his drinking problem. Two nights ago at a party, he made a big deal in front of his friends that he has to take me home early because he is convinced that I am going to get drunk and humilite him in front of his boss (the party was at his boss' house). Mind you, I only had one very weak watered down margarita that I slowly sip in the course of 3 hrs. He humiliated me in front of his friends by giving them the impression that I am the crazy one that he needed to take me home early and that I had spoiled his night. By the grace of God, I stayed calm and not reacting to his paranoid insanity. He sure left the party early with me only to left one hour later to go downtown to drink. That episode in downtown left him with a cut on his forehead (got in fight with stranger and got hit with a bottle) and lost our $500 digital camera that we bought last year.

Hang in there FC, this too shall pass and easy does it.
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Old 09-25-2005, 08:59 PM
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((((((FC)))))))

I wish you peace and a good nights sleep tonight.

Hugs,
Savana
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Old 09-25-2005, 09:11 PM
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Ugh!
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Wow thanks, I'm breathing, looking forward to my day tomarrow, sleeping on the couch for ME because he stinks after a binge. I hate waking up to the stale beer smell. Jenny, you wrote the exact words I was thinking when this was all going down, this is not normal, I tried with everything in me to not react and I did better than I normally do, thanks to everyone's suggestion. I need to tatoo a few on my arm to remember them, like walk away! I'm not good at that, grew up on a very hostile environment with a lot of loss going on, I'm a fighter, but learning that a soft voice is what works. Seems I already learned that but old habits come back when I am provoked to the point I was tonight. I'm glad I actually saw what was really happening, that it wasn't me and yes, he was trying to take the focus off of him by hitting a weak point of mine, wondering if I'm sane. As far as keeping my word, my threat I'm not sure I'm equipped with the strength to follow through with it, but I'm going to try. I'll worry about that as the week progresses. I had myself convinced that as long as I was enjoying the planning it was for me too. I have enjoyed that part but after the cake is served my job is done. Sorry about your camera Godblessu. My camera is one of my most valued possessions, that hurts to even read. I'll need lots of support this week. Glad I found this site. Love you guys.

Hugs!
~Faithchaser
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Old 09-26-2005, 07:34 AM
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Okay, after a good nights sleep I decided that IF I am to go to this 40th bash I've planned. The DJ/ kareoke lady is going to be playing Patsy Cline's "Crazy"
These are the lyrics I've found to sing with along with the song:

Lazy, I'm sick of you being so lazy
You're so lazy, you sit on the couch all day through
I know, you'll be drunk just as long as you want to
You're so lazy, you'd think you were stuck there with glue

Hurry, why should you make yourself hurry
Wondering, how the hell I'll make you move

Oh, Lazy, I figured out one way to move you
I'll feed you hot curry, that might make you hurry
At least just as far as the loo

Oh Lazy, you'll think that your A$$ is on fire
I'll feed you hot curry, that might make you hurry
At least just as far as the loo


Well, I'm still all about having fun, enjoy your day all. Prayers are with ya
Hugs,
~FaithChaser
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Old 09-26-2005, 10:27 AM
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Oh that should be good for another fight ....hope he has a sense of humor.....
I think it's funny but heck I'm not the one you are singing about.....LOL

Love, Patty
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