rinaezz

Hi,
I am here to seek help and guidance, in order to help my beloved husband. He is out of the rehab. centre since only a week, and this was not his first time. It is the first time since our marriage which was only two months ago. We have a very simple and nice life with no problems except he is temporarily suspended from work due to his addiction.
He is sooooooooo attached to hashish and I hate it. He says he wants to stay sober and make something out of his life, but of course I have no idea whether he's acting or if he really means it.
I am so frustrated and alone, I am doing my best to help him, but I cannot see the change in HIM that will give him the power to resist the temptation, if he's on hashish now, he's still on drugs and one thing will lead to another; that's how I see it.
Can anyone help me understand, or know when to believe him, or even know if he has thoughts of going back to drugs?
PLEASE HELP ME, I have never been that desperate in my whole life. I love him and I want him to get better so we can continue with our marriage and life.

fuster

The short answer is: Nope, you cannot know when to believe him or know if he has thoughts of...going back to drugs (or anything else, really).

The best advice for you now is to get into a NarAnon or Al Anon meeting (there are forums on this site you can look at too), get connected with people there. The family has to learn to let go. Your words clearly show you are like every other family of an addict/alcoholic in that you want to help, but you also cannot let go of the control you want over the situation. It is a concept that is not that easy to grasp. You let go, and you get better. Yes, sorry to say it but you are sick too, just a different problem. Let go, take care of your own needs, make decisions based on what you need to be heathy. That might mean making some difficult choices, like if there is evidence of using, he has to move out. Sounds harsh, but it is setting a healthy boundary. If you don't, there will not be any.

If your husband decides to use, you are powerless to change that. You need to accept that fact. You can do everything you imagine you need to do, he will relapse if he wants to do it. You are powerless to "make" him not use. :hugehug It is up to him to tow the line on his recovery. If he doesn't, you need to have your own plan, but get some education on codependence first.

CarolD

and welcome to SR! Here is a good place for you to check out....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...splay.php?f=23

If you are in Egypt.... I have no idea of your support groups.

You are correct....if he is still using hashish he is on drugs.

We also have a Cairo here in the state of Illmois.
I was born there.

Blessings....

jbm125

Hi Rina....people use drugs for a lot of reasons. Mostly to kill an emotional pain. When I first started using it was for fun, recreational use as they say.....then it turned into a way for me, and many others, to kill some kind of emotional pain that I could not then or now identify. Your man needs some kind of therapy that goes to the heart of his internal pain which he probably can't identify. He, probably like me, didn't know why he wanted to be stoned but after the fun use of hash wears off and I wanted to be stoned 24/7, isolated, with a bottle, I came to believe I needed outside help.
I found a good therapist and she helped immensly. It's killing the pain w/out drugs that cures the addiction. I wish you well.
God bless

Ann

Welcome Rinaezz, you've come to a good place where you are no longer alone.

The Nar-Anon forum here has a lot of members who have been where you are and who would love to meet you, so if you feel up to it maybe drop in and introduce yourself there. My son is an addict and I know the pain of watching someone we love destroy themselves.

Sadly, there is nothing you can do to change him, only he can do that. Say a prayer and know that he is in God's hands.

There are many things you can do for yourself to learn to live a balanced, healthy and happy life, regardless of how he is doing. Take a read around the Nar-Anon board, especially the Powerposts and other stickies at the top of that forum, and it may give you some idea of what you are dealing with and how you can handle it.

I'm glad you came and I hope you will stay and share with us.

Hugs
Ann

rinaezz

I would firstly like to thank each of you, who tries to support me. I really did not expect a reaction when I posted my message, but I decided to go ahead anyway.
Now, I think I should make it clear that I do not want to leave him, other than his drug problem he's a very nice man, cooperative, soooooooo kind hearted and helpful, loving, he's honestly a good person. When he's on drugs, of course, he lies and hides stuff, the comon symptoms as I may call it. He does not deserve to be deserted because of a sickness he has (i understood from his doctor that it is a sickness like any other psycological illness).
Unfortunately where I live we do not have such groups or centres which help people around an addict to know how to deal with them. I am really willing to go as far as studying psycology if I have to, I would act if I have to, and I DO have a great deal of self-control, which I can use when needed. I just need to know how to assign my skills in a way which will help him.
Now the problem is that because I am making such a big effort, the least thing upsets me so much. I am frustrated, depressed and down all the time, I wonder if he can see that!. On the other hand he thinks he's doing his best and he's practicing a great deal of self-control to stay away from drugs, so I have no right to complain, I should just appreciate what he's doing for us!. I know I should be clear headed to be able to help him, but this is exactly why I'm here. I do not want to publicise his problem to people around us, not even my parents know about it, and I need someone to talk to.
I pray to God he, and all the likes of him will get well and see how they hurt people that love them the most.

fuster

You are limited by the box you put yourself in. How willing are you to try to change yourself? Not him, yourself?

rinaezz

Fuster, I would change myself for him...I just need to know how because I honestly don't know.
Yesterday he finally noticed how depressed I was, he sat beside me and told me he has something to say; that was that he will not smoke hashish or buy it any longer, he might accept a couple of puffs from a friend but that's it. He even asked two of his friends to leave the house if they wanted to smoke hashish!!! and he told them "my wife does not like it in the house...you can come back up when you're finished". I was not even in the house then. I was told the story by him and another friend who heard it!. He had a different tone and attitude this time, he spoke logic.... I could not believe my ears, could it be right? is it true that he's starting to get on the right track?
Still I am certain that I would change myself if this is what it takes to make him well! Do you know the way to this?

fuster

Start changing by looking at the statement above.

You stated you would change yourself if that is what it takes to change him. This is about as logical as someone saying they would walk to work if it would make it rain less. Walking is good for you regardless of the weather. And walking has nothing to do with whether it rains. Same with your changing, regardless of whether husband changes. How about if I said that I would do 500 pushups every day if your husband did 500 situps every day? Your answer is probably that he loves you, not me, and that love is going to make him see what he needs to do.

Wrong. Addicts love and feel like everyone else. But their master is their addiction, not their loved ones. Yes, they will commit acts of love, and feel remorseful when they use drugs and make their family or friends upset. However, you have to understand that addiction is a disease, and it is a lifelong problem that is managed daily by a recovery program that the person uses in their daily living. They have to possess a resolve to quit. Without real change within themselves, starting with their OWN motivation (not because you don't like it or because you are depressed, etc.), they will say and do things that make it look like they are done with their drug of choice, but they likely will only have temporary abstinence. So too the family is sick and they have to come to realize this and start to change how they deal with the addict.

There are threads and boards on this site you can learn from if you take the time to study what others have said. The Al Anon and the Nar Anon boards are where you need to start. Change is a lifelong process, why not start now? I can try to talk to you about why you need to do this or that, but really all I have tried to illustrate here is that it is illogical the way you think about expecting your addict husband to change because you love him or because you say or do something that you think will "motivate" him to change. It sounds nice, and what I and others suggest may seem repugnant to the concept of family and love, etc. , but it really is the starting point to improving your relationship with first yourself, second with your family.

:si