Debra

Hi,
I attended my first Alanon meeting last night. I was really nervous about going I cried off and on before I got there, during and after but it was good and I will go again. I can see how it helps to hear folks share that stuff--ways to deal, ways to figure yourself out again. Try to deal with your own frustrations in positive ways rather than descending into the junk. You just can't make everything the way you want it. I know I have such a long way to go.

I wanted to ask some of you how you deal with real concerns over the A's welfare--(like he's going to hurt himself), and just letting things happen and let him figure it out. For example, my work takes me out of town on Monday and Tuesday. My husband's drinking routine is now- starting in the morning, sleeping most of the day, getting up to drink some more, calling himself a miserable jerk and telling me how much he loves me, and then goes back to bed, etc. etc. Other than feeling alone, there's not much else until recently. Before the recent detox he slept 18 - 20 hours per day. Ok, I can let that go--to let him figure out what to do when I'm gone. I hope that he takes the dogs out. But he will try to cook for himself. Recently he left the fire on and burnt the meat to a crisp, and smoked the house up. When I got home, the place reaked and he was passed out. Ok, so I'm concerned that he's going to burn the place down. I can't afford a babysitter and if I'm not working, no one else will be. It was on this occassion, it took me a week but I convinced him that he really needed to get some help, into detox and get better. Off he went eventually but the sobriety didn't last long before he was right back where he started. And he totally embraced AA. He says he wants to stop.

What do I want? I am discovering what I want but like I said, how do you negotiate all of this? I never know what I'm walking into on Tuesday night.
We do call each other while I'm gone but I have no idea what is really going on.

Deb

Ann

Sadly there is not much you can do, even to prevent him from harming himself of burning the house down.

Maybe make him some cold dishes that he can eat without cooking, or if you have a crock pot, let him cook with that (it won't catch fire). And then unplug the stove (maybe he won't notice).

This is probably the worst advice I have given here, but at least you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Laceejoe

Deb----I can honestly relate to what you're saying. When my alcoholic daughter continuously transferred to different cities and states with the company she worked for, I used to worry continuously that she would drink and end up hurt or even dead!! I used to be frightened out of my skin if the phone would awaken me at night, and could not return to sleep due to the uneasy feelings. It's a terrible thing knowing that your loved one has the alcohol problem, but the worry is compounded when you think of what they could inadvertently do to themselves or others!! I've prayed alot over the years---prayed for the strength to accept whatever happened. It's out of your hands, Deb---even if that is hard to hear. Each of us have choices to make, and none of us can wrap cotton batting around our loved one to shield them from the world. You need to take care of YOU, and pray that your hubby will be able to do the same. I know that it has to be difficult having to be away for days at a time, and that fear will probably never go away----but, hopefully, with the love and support you will get from the people on this forum, you will learn that you are not alone. Come back anytime, and let us help you. I wish you the best!!

JT

I know what you are talking about. I came home one nite to find a grease fire on top of the stove. Ward had been going to deep fry something and the oil burst into flames. He had rolled onto the floor (in his stupor) because the air was clearer. When I woke him he threw the oil into the sink catching the curtains on fire. We had an insurance claim and it required a company to clean and repaint.

We have had 2 broken coffee tables and another was a microwave being set on 30 min instead of 3. The house was filled with smoke. Once he pulled into the garage, closed the door and wanted to listen to one last song...with the motor running. He passed out. Fortunately I found him. After this last one I listed all the scary things that had happened and told him "I am not leaving today but I will not live with this sort of thing much longer" and it stopped. (Knock wood). It has been 6 years since that last episode. Maybe he scared himself more than what I said...but I meant it.

There are things you have to draw the line at and putting your life and property in danger is one of those times, in my opinion. I love my husband but I will not live in that kind of fear. He could wake up in the night while I was home and do the same thing...I don't have to be away from home. And I will NOT wake to find him dead in his car!!

Just my 2 cents,
JT