JessicaNAJ

Not sure how to explain why I'm asking....but here's the question:

How do you know if you have an obsessive personality? and How do you stop having an obsessive personality?

minnie

Jess, I'm not sure what you mean. Are you talking about OCD? Or more akin to good old codie focussing on other people?

JessicaNAJ

I'd have to say "akin to good old codie focussing on other people".

...the scarey thing here is, I'm not talking about focusing on my AH.

Is there a secret to this stuff?

It's a good friend of mine...CAUTION - I might sound a little out of it here.....He won't call me, he won't talk to me. I'm going to push him away if I keep trying to get him to talk to me. My chest hurts, I hurt, I guess I do kinda feel like I'm going out of my mind. I can hear my AH calling me psycho and stupid.

Why do I do this to myself? I hate it. I want to run away from me....and that is so not like me at all.

Am I just beyond stressed? Everywhere I turn something is wrong, whether it be my job, my car, the bathroom sink, bills, the garage door, my daughter who won't listen and just wants to yell at me. An husband who can't even be here to HELP ME with the kids, or money, or the sink, or my car.

FriendofBill

Pardon me, please dont take this as any offense, but You sound just like an addict.

Just substitute the person, the alcoholic, for a drug, or alcohol.

I need it.
I will do whatever I need to have it.
Even if it messes up my head or job.
Even if I lie to get it, hurt my kids, manipulate others.
I hate the way I feel when I do these things..yet I do them anyhow.
I want to stop, but I cant.
I need him. I dont want to be alone.
I cant survive without him.
He hurts me terribly.
Yet, I wont let go of him.
He wont change. I dont accept that.
I stay away and I am miserable.

Am I talking about a drug or a person?

Dependent means I relie on something for my very existence. I am dependent on a man who is dependent on alcohol. We are both chasing the tail of a dog that will never serve me.

I am an addict, people are my drugs of choice.

JessicaNAJ

FOB - you are so kind...of course I don't take offense. and some of those "points" you made pretty much nailed that sense of "loss of control" that I'm feeling. But - I would NEVER put my kids in harms way so we need to take that one out.

I'm not talking about my AH though. Just a good friend of mine....and he is not dependant on alcohol. I've know him for quite a long time. He has really been a huge source of support throughout all this with my AH.

Maybe my addiction is..not so much people, but the positive attention I get from this friend of mine. Yes, i feel as though I've become dependant on it. I ALSO know that my strength has to come from within.

Currently I'm in a rut. I'm stressed and usually when I get stressed out I can call my friend and "vent". Can't do that when he don't answer his phone.

I just need to get a grip!!!!

JT

Something I have discovered about myself is that when everything seems wrong there is always something going on inside me. I am discontented for some reason and not able or willing to accept what is. Usually the outside world hasn't suddenly shifted to attack mode, it is how I am seeing it.

Now I didn't say I like it. In fact I have yelled at my mirror "It's their turn to change!" but ...sigh...it's not going to happen.

It always comes back to my natural tendency to be discontented. And that's why I am here.

Hugs,
JT

Tally

I can identify with ya on that one! If your feeling stressed, of course you need somewhere to vent it, which is why you might be stressing over your friend not being around.

I'm the same, except I vent it on myself. In my mind everything suddenly becomes 10 times worse than it actually is and I need to go chill out somewhere. Things get bad when you have no support. Thats why I'm happy I found this place. Am gonna try venting it here next time I wanna kill someone!!

All I can say regarding your friend is do you suspect any reason for why he may not want to talk to you?

StandingStrong

Jessica, If I'm not mistaken, this same friend was a topic of conversation a few months ago - and it was basically the same topic!! That he had not called you, answered your calls, returned your calls, etc.
As FOB has pointed out - when you really look at it - you do tend to sound addicted to this person (which includes controlling, in my opinion). You are dependant upon him for what he gives you. It's not just that you rely on him - you depend on him. Now that he isn't doing/reacting to you as you feel he should, you are freaking out and losing control. (Again, just like an A often does when he needs his fix and can't get it)
Jessica, you know that I've been here with you every step of your journey. I've always tried to get YOU to think and not give you my opinions outright. But let me tell you, today I feel the need to tell you what I think. Now, understand that I may be wrong, I only know you via the internet and through text alone, one can be misunderstood. But it's my impression that you are needy of people in a way that is not healthy. (enter the word codependent) And I hope that you realize just how paranoid you sound in your post concerning your friend. I think FOB really hit on something with her post and I hope you really give this some valid thought.

JessicaNAJ

Dakota - I agree with what you said. Sadly, I would probably feel the same way.

Thank you JT and TheMissus for letting me know that I'm not the only one out there who gets overwhelmed by life.

SS - Ironically I'm figuring out that I do depend on him. He was always able to give me comfort and support when I needed it. Just the sound of his voice was soothing. But now he's getting tired of hearing about it. Goes back to the old saying, actions speak louder than words. I need to find the strength and comfort within myself and not rely on someone else to do this for me. As you know....I am extremely CoDe. I thought was doing better, this shows me that I need much more work on ME. Oh...no, you are not mistaken.

FaithChaser

Wow, thanks for this line of posting Jess! This may sound a lil out there but, I've been kind of wondering why I have been doing this "hermit" thing from time to time lately and this really struck a cord in me. I think part of me is trying to NOT be dependent on people, places & things, fighting my addict side. I'm wondering if this isn't a healthy thing for me to be doing afterall. My pattern has been to first withdrawl, then be upset that nobody has anything to do with me! DUH... Anyway, I've noticed myself doing this again in my life and I'm looking at it differently now. I'd rather depend on my HP, spend my time praying and meditating than leaning on someone else for my problems and irritating them or having them solve the problems of my life.

No Jess you are not the only one that does this. It's so easy for me to depend on freinds, the sound of someone elses voice, thier comfort etc, it has given me confidence, made me feel like I'm not crazy etc. etc. but the bottom line is it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, it's what I think that matters. As long as I'm still thinking that I'm not good enough, that I'm crazy, that I'm not a good person, being an addictive personality, I'll always need to find something or someone else to fix that problem. Think I've been trying to address it differently latley.

thanks again, prayers are with everyone here for our health and happiness,

~FaithChaser

JessicaNAJ

Very well put and this is something that, although I realize, I think I needed to hear it. Thanks Faith!!!

I called my friend, (in between tears) told him I was sorry for acting like a sorry @$$...that I realize this has been hard for him too and that I respect that....and told him to give me a call sometime... Then I said good bye. Kept it short and sweet and accepted the situation as is. What more could I do? If I keep bugging him, I will loose a good friend. I need to accept that he has more going on in his life than what is going on with me. And I need to find strength and comfort within myself. I've found that by looking for comfort from others is only a temporary fix....kinda like shopping, it makes you feel good for a while and then you're right back where you started.

I'm the only one that can fix the situation I'm in. Crying about to ANYONE is not going to help me.

Maybe this is a good thing. I've also realized, today, that maybe by me venting is relieving my mind of what I actually need to do. I need to keep all these thoughts about my life in my mind (and not vent them out) so I can clearly see and feel what it is that I need to do.....does that make sense?




one more question...does anyone know how to fix a leaking pipe on a sink, or a car that keeps wanting to stall?

Girlfriend

I'm not a plumber, my brother is, but it's usually the rings under the faucets. There's a water shut off valve under the sink. Turn the water off and take off the faucet handles and replace the rings underneath the faucet handles.

The car could be alot of different things; needs a good tuneup, oil change, clean air filter, good gas.....you could probably google or *****.com those questions and find the answers online.

Jess, I had a close gf whom I worked with for two years and we remained friends for 2 more years after she left the job. She called me every day after work and talked to me about this one guy that she liked at work. Non-stop, every day "do you think he likes me?" "Did you see him look at me today?" "Do you think I should say something to him?" Even if I changed the subject.....she'd bring it right back to the same thing. FINALLY, after 4 years of daily conversations about this guy (whom was MARRIED), I just told her "I love you with all of my heart, but I can't do anything more for you and I can't keep getting these phone calls every day from you." At the time, I felt really badly for doing that, but then again....I had told her everything that I thought "No, you shouldn't go after him. He's happily married" "No, I didn't see him look at you today". "Well, maybe he does like you, but just as a friend" and she STILL, for some reason, believed that this guy liked her. It didn't matter what I said,,,it went in one ear and out the other. SHE was obsessed with this married guy.


It does get kinda one-sided when a friend just talks about themself all the time and doesn't "give" back in the conversation. I have a great friend now who's trying to get over his ex gf and it's hard for him (he lives more than 100 miles away from me), so we both email every day and help each other and then send each other FWD: jokes just to help each other smile and keep smiling. He's like a little brother to me and that's a friendship I really cherish.

But, I've had people in my past leave because of either death (my parents whom I leaned on quite a bit) or just because they moved on or moved away and they took a big piece of me with them. But, I've gotten to the place where I know that people will come in and out of my life and that's ok. It's more about the journey of knowing them and becoming close with them as great friends for today and really enjoying and embracing that.

When they do go, i can let them go (as with xabf) and remember the good times we had and know that there will be more with someone else that God sends into my life. Nothing ever stays the same, so we've got to get to the place where it's ok for them to move on because no matter what, we still love who we are and we know that our HP is always with us no matter what.

I think the definition of obsession is when we can't stop thinking about that certain person/thing and will do anything to be around it, to have it by us always and cannot see ourselves ever living without it.

But, the good news is.......we can live without it and just move on and love ourselves and be open to all things, not just one.

You're doing well, Jess. Hang in there!


((hugs))

FaithChaser

Jess,
Seeing clearly what you need to do makes perfect sense to me. Just beware that a lot of times when we make plans HP or God, may have another plan that is much bigger, better and greater than anything we can even imagine. To quote Girlfreind, be open to it all. I'm trying to do that myself as well, and I know it's very challenging. Actually stinks to not be in control of everything, well maybe not, really I'm glad I'm not I'd just make a mess out of everything.

Hugs,
~FaithChaser

escape artist

the obsessiveness and isolating tendencies are both codependent behaviors. i have been both. the good thing is with recovery, i was able to recognize it for what it was. i then heavily relied on my higher power to help me with these character defects- and when i let it go it came back to me - my obsessiveness subsided, and i was then able to relax and develop a wonderful and rewarding association with the person i was previously greatly obsessed about. the isolation factor has greatly improved as well-especially going from being at home all day to a full-time job! but at least the people i am surrounded by are way healthier than what i have been surrounded with in the past 5 years!!
the steps work if you work the steps!!

JessicaNAJ

Its a little hard right now. I want to call my friend, but I told him I wouldn't....that I would wait for his call. I'm alright though. Goin on about my business.

I did notice that it was harder for me not to call him when I got upset with my AH. But I didn't!! I gotta get me back!