sinnat

As I read your stories, the memories of my life seem to come to mind. I have been married 17 years. I married my husband when I was 17 and he was 22. I am now 34 and trying to figure out if I did the right thing. I had always known that my husband had a drinking problem. The last 7 years of our mariage have been the hardest. We have a 16 year old daughter and a 13 year old son. I don't think that they can ever remember a time that their daddy was without a drink for more then 2 days. I also wanted to leave and just move on with my life, but it was hard....I decided to stay and try to make things work, tried to change him "for the kids" that was always my excuse. I prayed everyday that he would get help, the he would hit rock bottem, that he would get a DWI, I thought that this would open his eyes and make him realize how much he is hurting us as a family. The emotional and mental abuse is something that I lived with everyday, but know matter what, I was always there for my husband. I helped him to bed when he was to drunk to walk, I made excuses when he wouldn't show up for the kids functions at school, I begged and pleaded for him not to drink at family gatherings, but through it all, I always told him that I loved him and that one day we would get through this. I would tell my children the same thing - "one day your daddy is going to get better and we are going to have a better life". Well, he finally hit rock bottem on Aug. 31, 2002. I won't go into any details, but I finally convinced him to seek help. As I quietly drove him 400 miles to a recovery center - I dont know if I was crying because he finally admitted his problem and was going for help or because I have never been away from him in all the 17 years we have been married. After about 2 days of this place we took him to, he was sent to a place only about 50 miles from our home - I was so thankful for that. I would go see him every Saturday where we would sit through 6 hours of counseling, and on Sunday I would take the kids to visit him from 1p.m. - 5p.m. This went on for 5 weeks. October 3rd was his graduation date - His parents, brothers and sisters and myself along with our children went to see him receive his serenity certificate and start our new life or so I thought. He came home on a Thursday and by that night after the kids were in bed we had a long talk about everything that has happened in our lives - that's when he told me that he wants a seperation....I was devistated, it wasn't supposed to happen like this! I was so confused and hurt over the whole situation, his parents were very hurt and upset as well - they know what he had put me and the kids through all these years and the fact that I stuck through this marriage when I should have packed up and left. I can remember a time when his mother came to talk to me about her son, my husband - she told me to leave him and make a better life for me and the kids, she even told me that she would help me financially until I got back on my feet. I would never do it, I loved him to much to ever think about being without him. For the first 2 weeks after this happend I cried everyday all the time, now I only cry in my room at nite, the room we once shared. I'm not sure how this happened, I don't even understand why it happened.....I am trying to live my days one day at a time, I keep myself very busy so I don't think about what has happened in my marriage. He still comes to see the kids every other day or so, and says he misses them dearly, he even goes to evey school function that the kids are in....which means I see him almost everyday as well because we live in such a small town, and that's what hurts because I just want to take him in my arms and hold him....I tell him how proud of him I am for staying sober and going to his AA meeting on a regular basis. Our seperation is going on 2 months, and I am trying to go on with my life. Our daughter starts therapy this next week, she is so upset about the whole situation, she starts crying for know reason - she says that she doesn't know why she is crying, but I do - she misses her daddy as much as I do. He calls the kids every nite, but it's not the same. My son starts therapy right after my daughter. I need to find help for myself as well, but my children need to come first. I am trying to move on with my life, but it's hard. My husband tells me that no matter what happenes between us that he wants to remain friends for the kids sake. This tells me that he won't be back. This whole rehab thing that I thought was going to help our family, backfired on me. If I am thankful for one thing that has come out of all this, it's that my husband is sober, I just hate the fact that this place that was supposed to help our family has ruined my life. I don't want to be without my husband, I love him so much, I want him to come back home where he belongs. I guess only time will tell. My brother inlaw seems to think that he is just scared right now and that he is trying to adjust to his new life without his best friend (the alcohol). I told him that I am was trying to adjust to my new life without my best friend as well (my husband). Thank you so much for listening to me, it has really lifted tension off my shoulders just being able to bring everything out. God Bless and Happy Thanksgiving to all.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Sinnat,

Just as we're not supposed to take the disease personally, I suppose we shouldn't take their recovery personally either. I hope you and your kids understand that this has nothing to do with you. I understand how much it must hurt.

(((((( Sinnat)))))),

Smoke

Ann

****{Sinnat}}}

Just want to add a hug and to tell you that you sound like a wonderful person. My prayers are with you and your children.

Laceejoe

Sinnat---My heart aches for you and your kids. I just wrote a big post on another thread about my granddaughter being seen by the school psychologist because she has more aches and complaints than any 2nd grader should have. She's in the nurses office almost continuously---and I know that it is because of her feelings of rejection by her alcoholic father. Of course, he'd never admit he has a drinking problem---but, when he is home (which isn't often), he gets excessively mean with my granddaughter. At 7, she's like a little old woman. She worries continuously about her baby brother and mother (my dgt. has poor health)---and my heart goes out to this little "woman-child". What your husband has done is so sad---and I'm sure that someday he will see the effects of what it's done to you and your children. I wish I had the answers you need, but I'm just another mother/grandmother looking for answers too. We're all here to offer support though, and possibly someone will say something that will help. My thoughts and prayers are with you and the kids!!

JT

((((Sinnat)))))

Perhaps a large portion of your prayers were answered. Daddy did get better and in time when your grief has subsided you will have a better life.

My thoughts are with you,
JT

bonbon

Sinat,
Your not alone in your feelings or thoughts. You and your children are in my prayers. Remember to take a few moments and breathe...not for anyone else but yourself.

(((((((((sinat))))))))))) a big hug for you!

Welcome..

RedAPBT

Just wanted to add my welcome as I cannot say anything more than what is written by bonbon, anns, laceejoe, JT and smoke.

((((hugs))))

piggle

I think that was one of my biggest fears when my A began recovery....but like you I also cared more about him and his recovery and wanted that more than anything. I felt like he owed me so much for what I put up with...sometimes I still feel that way. In all honesty, I think the flaw is in me. I didn't think I deserved anything better. You DO deserve better....better than him drunk and better than him confused and sober. *HUGS*

sinnat

:kisshug: :kisshug: Thank you all so much for your input.....It really means alot. I have been so busy with the kids lately that I haven't had much time to post anything. My husband came to see me last nite and we had a long talk...He want's us to go to marriage counseling, I am all for it. I still am being very causious about the whole situation, He really hurt me alot, and I was just starting to get my life back on track and dealing with being alone with the kids. I love him very much and feel for the sake of our marriage and all that we have been through I need to do this for us, and if it doesn't work out, at least we can say we tried and just didn't give up. I will let you all know how everything is going in future posts. To all of you who post here, Have a safe and Happy Holiday Season.

<<<<HUGS>>>>

Sinnat

Laceejoe

Sinnat---I was so happy to see something positive come into your life---and I pray that things work out for you and your family. It was a big step for your husband to suggest counseling---and for your sake, I sincerely hope that he wants to make things right. You're in my prayers, Sinnat. Let us know how you are doing, okay?? Don't forget to take care of YOU!!!