Greetings
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 4
Greetings
This is rather long winded, but I don't know if I've ever sat down and admitted most of this out loud before. I've come here hoping to help myself deal with the problems I still have, and learn how to deal with those of my family who are still far from recovery.
I am the adult child of an alcoholic. I grew up in a textbook example of the functional drunk held together by the codependent wife who seems more and more out of control as time goes on. Growing up, I thought that my mother was the horrible one, and that my father could do no wrong. He let us do whatever we wanted, and as I grew older I convinced myself that if he DID drink too much, it was only to be expected... who wouldn't drink with a crazy wife like his.
Life was miserable most of the time. We had fights every day. Usually before I even managed to get to school. I can't count the number of times I went to school crying. Sometimes I'd take my stuff and leave for several days at a time, staying with the families of various friends, all who knew that something was going on in our household, but never what. I didn't even really know, but I knew the number one rule: Don't tell anyone. Ever.
Things got worse and worse. I'd been in therapy from an early age, and I developed weight problems. I picked up my mother's habit of comfort eating, and it played off my undiagnosed PCOS. After only a year of college I ended up failing out, suffering from severe depession.
My family decided I was the reason we were all messed up. I was a good scapegoat, and the quest started to cure me. They convined a doctor I was biploar and put me on Depakote. I don't remember much of the time I was on it, but I do remember sitting in my bathroom after one of the family's many fights, trying to remember how much of my medication I was supposed to take. I got frustrated and took the entire bottle of sleeping pills.
I ended up in the emergency room. Whatever my family did in the waiting room obviously caused enough of a fuss to provoke the doctor to come into my room and tell me I needed to get away from them. Having him tell me that they were nuts changed my life... within four months I had moved half way across the country from them, and started my recovery.
Recovery took four years. I'm married now, and still living far, far away from my family. I go to therapy to deal with my codependence issues that I still suffer from, and to help me learn how to set reasonable expectations for myself.
My father is still an alcoholic. My brother has followed the same path, and has progressed in a few short years from drinking to hard drugs. I've watched in the past few months as he has dealt with DUIs and other alcohol related charges. I watched him try to kill himself and be submitted to 3 weeks of inpatient rehab. I watched him come out, and have seen things spiraling downward. I don't think he wants to get better. I know that I can't make him want it, and yet I still feel responsible.
Very few people in my life understand what this means. Not even my husband, though he does know enough to be supportive. Sometimes I just want someone to truly understand the sort of paranoia and terror you grow up with when you come home from school and don't know if you'll be greeted by your parents or by furious, vicious people who say hurtful things and forget about them the next morning.
I am the adult child of an alcoholic. I grew up in a textbook example of the functional drunk held together by the codependent wife who seems more and more out of control as time goes on. Growing up, I thought that my mother was the horrible one, and that my father could do no wrong. He let us do whatever we wanted, and as I grew older I convinced myself that if he DID drink too much, it was only to be expected... who wouldn't drink with a crazy wife like his.
Life was miserable most of the time. We had fights every day. Usually before I even managed to get to school. I can't count the number of times I went to school crying. Sometimes I'd take my stuff and leave for several days at a time, staying with the families of various friends, all who knew that something was going on in our household, but never what. I didn't even really know, but I knew the number one rule: Don't tell anyone. Ever.
Things got worse and worse. I'd been in therapy from an early age, and I developed weight problems. I picked up my mother's habit of comfort eating, and it played off my undiagnosed PCOS. After only a year of college I ended up failing out, suffering from severe depession.
My family decided I was the reason we were all messed up. I was a good scapegoat, and the quest started to cure me. They convined a doctor I was biploar and put me on Depakote. I don't remember much of the time I was on it, but I do remember sitting in my bathroom after one of the family's many fights, trying to remember how much of my medication I was supposed to take. I got frustrated and took the entire bottle of sleeping pills.
I ended up in the emergency room. Whatever my family did in the waiting room obviously caused enough of a fuss to provoke the doctor to come into my room and tell me I needed to get away from them. Having him tell me that they were nuts changed my life... within four months I had moved half way across the country from them, and started my recovery.
Recovery took four years. I'm married now, and still living far, far away from my family. I go to therapy to deal with my codependence issues that I still suffer from, and to help me learn how to set reasonable expectations for myself.
My father is still an alcoholic. My brother has followed the same path, and has progressed in a few short years from drinking to hard drugs. I've watched in the past few months as he has dealt with DUIs and other alcohol related charges. I watched him try to kill himself and be submitted to 3 weeks of inpatient rehab. I watched him come out, and have seen things spiraling downward. I don't think he wants to get better. I know that I can't make him want it, and yet I still feel responsible.
Very few people in my life understand what this means. Not even my husband, though he does know enough to be supportive. Sometimes I just want someone to truly understand the sort of paranoia and terror you grow up with when you come home from school and don't know if you'll be greeted by your parents or by furious, vicious people who say hurtful things and forget about them the next morning.
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Welcome to SR, diebin... Boy, are you in the right place!
I understand... Many of us here do (and you'll hear that once your post has been read).
I never knew that the unmistakable, dominating, suffocating force that plagued my home was called alcoholism. It wasn't until I'd found recovery in Al-Anon that this began to become clear. The family disease of alcoholism thrives in darkness (much like a fungus), feeding on the power of secrets and denial. Once it was dragged into the light, recovery was possible.
I've heard it said that the three rules an ACoA learns growing up are: Don't Talk, Don't Trust, Don't Feel. Al-Anon has taught me that it is a) safe for me to talk about what happened back then (and what is happening now), b) that the people who raised me might not have always been trustworthy, but other people are, and c) that it is safe for me to feel my feelings. What is not safe is for me to allow myself to be a slave to my feelings, reacting to them in the same unhealthy ways that were my survival mechanisms growing up in that war zone.
If you've not yet found Al-Anon, I encourage you (if you're willing) to give it a try. You've mentioned your own recovery, so perhaps you've already been there or at least someplace that's been helpful.
I hope you'll stick around here a bit! The people on the Friends & Families forum are pretty wonderful, too. Feel free to stop by!
Originally Posted by diebin
Sometimes I just want someone to truly understand the sort of paranoia and terror you grow up with when you come home from school and don't know if you'll be greeted by your parents or by furious, vicious people who say hurtful things and forget about them the next morning.
I never knew that the unmistakable, dominating, suffocating force that plagued my home was called alcoholism. It wasn't until I'd found recovery in Al-Anon that this began to become clear. The family disease of alcoholism thrives in darkness (much like a fungus), feeding on the power of secrets and denial. Once it was dragged into the light, recovery was possible.
I've heard it said that the three rules an ACoA learns growing up are: Don't Talk, Don't Trust, Don't Feel. Al-Anon has taught me that it is a) safe for me to talk about what happened back then (and what is happening now), b) that the people who raised me might not have always been trustworthy, but other people are, and c) that it is safe for me to feel my feelings. What is not safe is for me to allow myself to be a slave to my feelings, reacting to them in the same unhealthy ways that were my survival mechanisms growing up in that war zone.
If you've not yet found Al-Anon, I encourage you (if you're willing) to give it a try. You've mentioned your own recovery, so perhaps you've already been there or at least someplace that's been helpful.
I hope you'll stick around here a bit! The people on the Friends & Families forum are pretty wonderful, too. Feel free to stop by!
Beyond the Ninth Wave
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 107
I understand too. I always thought the oppressive atmosphere of my mother's home was my fault. The paranoia & terror you spoke of was especially mind-twisting. Funny, it never occurred to me until reading your post that she might not even have remembered saying (screaming) to me the things she did.
That's another weird legacy itself - to be 45 years old & still uncovering new aspects & nuances of the nightmare. Hardly a week goes by that I don't have some "obvious" revelation about why I am the way I am. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get enough layers of this stinking onion peeled away to maybe discover the original soul buried underneath - find out who I am in my original packaging. I feel like an illusion most of the time, but I just keep gritting my teeth & "acting as if until."
That's another weird legacy itself - to be 45 years old & still uncovering new aspects & nuances of the nightmare. Hardly a week goes by that I don't have some "obvious" revelation about why I am the way I am. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get enough layers of this stinking onion peeled away to maybe discover the original soul buried underneath - find out who I am in my original packaging. I feel like an illusion most of the time, but I just keep gritting my teeth & "acting as if until."
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Oh the layers! My program is Al Anon and the reason I started, or so I thought, was my son and my husband. It has been 10 years and the layers continue to peel away. When I first began even thinking about my family of origin and the effect it had on me I couldn't even go there. Now I am comfortable with the fact that I was impacted. It felt so out of control...I had been reacting my way through my life when all along I thought I had been making decisions. That was a tough nut to swallow, but swallow it I did.
Something I have learned is that my parents only did what they knew. They did not set out to consciously harm me. They love me in the only way they know. Maybe becoming a parent myself and seeing all my own flaws helped.
JT
Something I have learned is that my parents only did what they knew. They did not set out to consciously harm me. They love me in the only way they know. Maybe becoming a parent myself and seeing all my own flaws helped.
JT
Beyond the Ninth Wave
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 107
Originally Posted by JT
...Something I have learned is that my parents only did what they knew.JT
Of course not, but that had never crossed my consciousness before. As soon as I was able to finally see her as a neutral observer would have, I was overcome by such a wave of compassion & for the first time ever, sorrow for the hard life she led. I started crying & didn't stop for hours. Unfortunately, this layer got peeled back in a restaurant in the middle of dinner, lol. The gods have warped senses of humor, I think.
Anyway, after cutting short dinner & making an embarrassed exit from the restaurant, I was able to release so many years of pent-up toxicity through tears that were for the first time, not on my behalf, but on hers. It was so healing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 4
Thank you so much for your replies!
I think that the revelation that my mother was only doing what she thought best was the most important one I've ever had. I've only started to form a relationship with her in the past two years since she divorced my father and got help of her own, and I've been able to tell her that while what she did to me hurt, I understand that she was suffering in her own ways and thought she was doing what was best for her children.
I have never gone to Al-Anon. My mother has suggested it to me, and I've thought about it. There is also an ACoA group nearby that I have considered taking part in. I'm not sure what has stopped me... it may be simply nervousness.
It is good to read other replies and see that other people do understand. And I agree with the 3 Rules... 'Don't Tell', 'Don't Trust', 'Don't Feel'... I know that the last one frustrates my husband to no end. After something bad happens with my family, he wants to comfort me in some way, but I am incapable of accepting that sort of comfort. I can't do the 'cry on my shoulder' thing... I'm not even very good with crying in general. I spent so much time shoving everything away and refusing to feel the pain that my family caused me.
I think that the revelation that my mother was only doing what she thought best was the most important one I've ever had. I've only started to form a relationship with her in the past two years since she divorced my father and got help of her own, and I've been able to tell her that while what she did to me hurt, I understand that she was suffering in her own ways and thought she was doing what was best for her children.
I have never gone to Al-Anon. My mother has suggested it to me, and I've thought about it. There is also an ACoA group nearby that I have considered taking part in. I'm not sure what has stopped me... it may be simply nervousness.
It is good to read other replies and see that other people do understand. And I agree with the 3 Rules... 'Don't Tell', 'Don't Trust', 'Don't Feel'... I know that the last one frustrates my husband to no end. After something bad happens with my family, he wants to comfort me in some way, but I am incapable of accepting that sort of comfort. I can't do the 'cry on my shoulder' thing... I'm not even very good with crying in general. I spent so much time shoving everything away and refusing to feel the pain that my family caused me.
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Originally Posted by diebin
I have never gone to Al-Anon... I'm not sure what has stopped me... it may be simply nervousness.
It can be frightening to step outside our discomfort zone and take a risk, but there is soooooooooo much to be gained...
I've always liked this poem (I've added the bold print). I hope it holds meaning for you:
RISK
Author unknown
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out to others is to risk involvement
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To live is to risk dying
To hope is to risk despair
To try is to risk failure
But risks must be taken,
because the greatest hazard in life is to do nothing.
The person who risks nothing,
does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow,
but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.
Chained by their attitudes, they are a slave,
they forfeited their freedom.
Only the person who risks can be free
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 4
I just got a call from my mother. My brother overdosed on more than one drug and is now in a coma with heart damage and a failing lung.
I am falling a little bit apart now.
I am not sure what to do.
I am falling a little bit apart now.
I am not sure what to do.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Massillon, Ohio
Posts: 387
I understand where you are coming from. My dad is an alcoholic too. I never knew when I came home from school what i was coming home to either. I am glad through that today I am at college and my dad has been a dry drunk for 6 months now. Nut he has done this before but i am happy with what is now. Ia m sorry that you went through what you did. But remember people do understand an in my situation here at college no one knows about my dad and I keep it to myself because they would never understand but people understand here.
Love,
Shana
Love,
Shana
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
((diebin)) - i am sorry and will be praying for you & your brother.
oh do i relate to that paragraph!!!
It is good to read other replies and see that other people do understand. And I agree with the 3 Rules... 'Don't Tell', 'Don't Trust', 'Don't Feel'... I know that the last one frustrates my husband to no end. After something bad happens with my family, he wants to comfort me in some way, but I am incapable of accepting that sort of comfort. I can't do the 'cry on my shoulder' thing... I'm not even very good with crying in general. I spent so much time shoving everything away and refusing to feel the pain that my family caused me.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
I can't do the 'cry on my shoulder' thing
I am confident that this a common trait and I would be interested if anyone had explored it a found answers.
JT
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 4
Thank you all. *hugs* I had no idea when I found this board that my life would be sliding downhill so rapidly.
Last night I broke down. I cried, and I screamed, and it hurt so badly. I have not cried once since my brother got his DUI and May and started down this path of overdoses and near death experiences. Last night it all came out.
My husband wanted to hold me. I tried to let him. It wasn't easy... I think sometimes I wait so long and then when it comes out, it is too much to handle. I had to stop it, had to shove it aside. I literally was choking on the pain. And I wonder if that's BECAUSE I've held it in for so many months.
I have a friend whose daughter is going through all the same stuff my brother is. We've agreed to go to an Al Anon meeting that's held not far from us. I'm really hoping that this might help.
I just wish I knew how to release all this pain a little at a time. In High School I was a cutter, and last night the urge to release emotional pain with physical pain was almost overwhelming. I haven't felt that urge in years. It was a terrifying moment.
Things are better today. My best friend took me out to lunch and to run errands with her adorable baby daughter. My brother has woken up, but he's still on a respirator and they're not sure how much damage he's done to his heart. I know little about drug abuse, but from what I've heard there was cocaine involved, and I guess that can cause heart damage.
My father has signed the paperwork to have him committed. It's the one thing I think he's done in years that makes me proud. Maybe seeing his son in the ICU on life support was shocking enough to make him realize that he has problems, too. Only time will tell. I don't want to get my hopes up.
Last night I broke down. I cried, and I screamed, and it hurt so badly. I have not cried once since my brother got his DUI and May and started down this path of overdoses and near death experiences. Last night it all came out.
My husband wanted to hold me. I tried to let him. It wasn't easy... I think sometimes I wait so long and then when it comes out, it is too much to handle. I had to stop it, had to shove it aside. I literally was choking on the pain. And I wonder if that's BECAUSE I've held it in for so many months.
I have a friend whose daughter is going through all the same stuff my brother is. We've agreed to go to an Al Anon meeting that's held not far from us. I'm really hoping that this might help.
I just wish I knew how to release all this pain a little at a time. In High School I was a cutter, and last night the urge to release emotional pain with physical pain was almost overwhelming. I haven't felt that urge in years. It was a terrifying moment.
Things are better today. My best friend took me out to lunch and to run errands with her adorable baby daughter. My brother has woken up, but he's still on a respirator and they're not sure how much damage he's done to his heart. I know little about drug abuse, but from what I've heard there was cocaine involved, and I guess that can cause heart damage.
My father has signed the paperwork to have him committed. It's the one thing I think he's done in years that makes me proud. Maybe seeing his son in the ICU on life support was shocking enough to make him realize that he has problems, too. Only time will tell. I don't want to get my hopes up.
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Please give Al-Anon a try, if for no other reason than the immediate face-to-face support you'll receive from folks just like you who truly understand...
I wish you and your loved ones peace and healing...
I wish you and your loved ones peace and healing...
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