Need some help here

Old 09-20-2005, 01:18 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Ugh!
Thread Starter
 
FaithChaser's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Enchanted Elmoland
Posts: 180
Angry Need some help here

xxxI know I'm not supposed to gripe at my ah but I'm not sure how to handle this situation correctly. I know I'm not healthy so if anyone with some experience & strength could give me some suggestions, I would be extremely grateful!

Situation: AH promised to keep the drinking down to three days a week, I realize that promise would be broken when he made it. Last night he came in with a bottle of Sierra Mist and immediately I had my suspisions so I took a drink. I thought I tasted a hint of vodka in it but was unsure as vodka doesn't have much flavor to me. After ah went to sleep, I decided to look in his truck to see if there was any vodka in it. I realize I set myself up here, but if he's drinking at work and in his truck driving, I feel I need to know to protect myself to a degree. Maybe I'm fooling myself here, not sure I do that a lot. So, I find a liter of vodka in his computer bag. HUGE suprise. My reaction was to go read my bible, come on here and read etc. Find my peace. He comes down and I tell him to just go to sleep I'm okay.

Next morning, I wake up in a very ugly mood... actually cussed upon waking up when I remembered the previous night. His reaction is to chace me down and ask what is wrong, I tell him to leave it alone I'll be fine. He keeps after me shouting at me asking what is wrong. I told him what I'd found, he says, "I DID NOT DRINK ONE DROP! I FOUND THAT IN THE GARAGE A WEEK AGO, SO I PUT IT IN MY BAG!!!" Makes perfect sense to me, everytime I find lost booze I stick it in my work bag, sure!

My question: What is the correct way to handle this? Do I ignore it, how do I react when he brings it up? Help?

Thanks,
~Faithchaser
FaithChaser is offline  
Old 09-20-2005, 02:06 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ma
Posts: 145
Faith,

Perhaps this is not the right answer but you have to let it be. If you didnt find the vodka would you have felt better? You already knew something was up based on his soft drink. (?) It is just a guess but it seems (to me) that you would have thought he just hid the booze better than he did if you had not found it.

Look it may be he was drinking, perhaps the bottle was an old bottle he hid and just did not want you find it ..(a stretch i know) I would let this slide, give him the benifit of the doubt ...What harm can forgiveness do..
ahcb is offline  
Old 09-20-2005, 02:20 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
This was always tough for me...my exA used to hide bottles all over the house.
After he left I found them in the most strange places, I guess he got so drunk he
even forgot where he put them. I never took long for me to figure out if he was
driniking or not, passing out and peeing one's self is a dead give away.
I'd say let it go, you already know he is drinking at least 3 days a week, tough feat for an A, if he could control it like that, he wouldn't be an A..... IMHO
Love, Patty
pmaslan is offline  
Old 09-20-2005, 02:31 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Don't get undies in a bunch
 
best's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
I think your message was put across.

A softer tone, if there is a next time, will sound like thunder.
Silence yells(silent treatment) and yelling yells.

A humble, gentle, soft tone will be deafening. Soft tones get heard more then any other tone. Most times, we need to struggle to listen with a soft voice speaking. A soft tone gets our full attention.
best is offline  
Old 09-20-2005, 02:38 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Ugh!
Thread Starter
 
FaithChaser's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Enchanted Elmoland
Posts: 180
Thanks you two, not sure I can forgive this, i'm trying in my way. I think for now avoidence is my best bet to not allow myself to blow a fuse. He gets home around 8pm here and i'll take off for work, that's the best I can do for today. Pmaslan, I realize that he cannot NOT drink. I'm grateful he doesn't pee, just passes out, but it's easy for him to hide how screwed up he is. I just want him to realize that as well. I'm not angry because I'm trying to control him, I'm angry because this is damaging to him and us. I shouldn't go looking, and I could say i cannot help it, but the fact is that I can.
I guess in the past I always gave the benefit of the doubt. Said I would do this or that and never did, I've made it impossible to take myself seriously along with anyone else, I'm a joke to most now. Looking at just myself, I need to take myself and my life seriously and I'm not sure where to start. As far as he's concerned, I have to let it go and feel like in doing that I'm again not taking what I need and want seriously...

Thank you again for pointing out the obvious to me, it is so greatly appreciated. Good to see you back here achb and glad you are doing well.

hugs,
~faithchaser
FaithChaser is offline  
Old 09-20-2005, 02:41 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
minnie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Boundaries, hon.
minnie is offline  
Old 09-20-2005, 03:09 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Ugh!
Thread Starter
 
FaithChaser's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Enchanted Elmoland
Posts: 180
Thanks again ALL! Best & Minnie, these little reminders are keeping me sane right now, well partially! Boundaries, what are those? LOL Keeping it cool here. Trying to keep myself calm and at peace so I'm lurking in here a while! Practicing talking in a quiet tone to the dogs... Sorry if I don't laugh I'll cry!!! and that gets ugly.

love ya'll!
Hugs,
~whatserface
FaithChaser is offline  
Old 09-20-2005, 08:36 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
1000 Post Club
 
FriendofBill's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Forgive what? He didnt do anything *to* you, he does it to himself.
Hes an alcoholic. He drinks. Thats what they do. It stinks.
FriendofBill is offline  
Old 09-20-2005, 08:51 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Cruelty-Free
 
nocellphone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Originally Posted by FaithChaser
My question: What is the correct way to handle this? Do I ignore it, how do I react when he brings it up? Help?
Dogs bark, babies cry, alcoholics drink. They're gonna do what they're gonna do. The important thing is what we do, whether they're drinking or not.

I can find no serenity if all my actions are merely reactions to the behaviors of the alcoholics in my life...
nocellphone is offline  
Old 09-21-2005, 08:52 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Ugh!
Thread Starter
 
FaithChaser's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Enchanted Elmoland
Posts: 180
Hey everyone thanks again for the responses, gives me lots to think about!

Forgive what? Okay, I need to and cannot forgive him for the following: Lying to me, breaking promises that he made to me that were his idea, not speaking to me, basically not being a partner or being a husband... His drinking is his deal, his doing drugs is his deal, when he steals from me, it's my deal, when he does things that directly affect me it's my deal and he should be a responsible adult and apologize for hurting me. He's a drunk, it isn't possible and he's not sorry, until he is I'm not forgiving, IMHO, it's okay to be angry when you need to stick up for yourself.

I'm sure there are lots of things I need to apologize for as well however, I feel like I've lived up to my part of our "marital contract" and he has not. How is it that someone cannot react to having a partner who is an alcoholic? Lovingly detach? I love you, go ahead and smoke some crack but not here okay, hon? I'm not understanding these concepts at all and I know I'm not the only one. I'm more of the going down with my nails a scratchen and me cussin' and kickin' kinda girl. I believe that if there is a problem, it needs to be addressed and corrected. I don't believe my pretending not to care is going to help, it's just waiting for him to get worse until he realizes that he cannot control this. I don't intend to wait my life away. I realize that I alone do not have the power to "fix" this, only God or HP does. Until he wants that help that is offered, he will continue to slowley drown. Do I just stop tossing the rope at him? When do you give up and stop caring whether someone you love drowns themselves!?

Hugs,
~FaithChaser
FaithChaser is offline  
Old 09-21-2005, 09:02 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Don't get undies in a bunch
 
best's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
You never stop caring. You and I both know that.

We may get a sore arm and stop throwing the rope though.
You throw and throw and throw, waiting for them to grasp the other end.
Till they want the life line, they won't grab hold.

Keep your prayers going, keep your boundaries for your needs in line, and because of the prayers, you will gain strength or he wil grab the end of the rope.
In God's hands is where we need leave them.
best is offline  
Old 09-21-2005, 01:55 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Cruelty-Free
 
nocellphone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Originally Posted by FaithChaser
I need to and cannot forgive him for the following:
Why not add the phrase "just for today" in there somewhere, as in "Just for today, I cannot forgive..."?

When I realize that wherever I am emotionally, I'm there just for today, a ton of pressure comes falling off and I beat myself up a lot less.

The first person I need to forgive is me: for simply being human, for acting out in my disease when I didn't know any better, and for acting out in my disease now that I know better...
nocellphone is offline  
Old 09-21-2005, 02:03 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
minnie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I believe that if there is a problem, it needs to be addressed and corrected.
So, how are you going to address and correct your problem?
minnie is offline  
Old 09-21-2005, 02:24 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 109
I agree. I used to feel bad, angry, hurt, etc.. but honey it is his problem. You know what he is up to and it is no suprise to you. He is going to do it whatever. You can either carry on worrying about him and neglecting your needs - to feel like a beautiful woman in control, or stop and focus on you. I may be wrong and this is totally my own personal opinion but I dont really think it is about "forgiveness" You cannot forgive a person for being ill which is what being an A is. If you are REALLY sorry for something you will not do it again...... he will.


Gees the lengths I went to to stop him drinking and did it help? NO. he did it regardless. So spent the energy focusing on yourself. Make yourself happy. Focus on where the difference can be seen. ((HUG))
KATIE77 is offline  
Old 09-21-2005, 10:29 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Ugh!
Thread Starter
 
FaithChaser's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Enchanted Elmoland
Posts: 180
Well, definately feeling better tonight. Not because of anything specific, just took care of me I did focus on myself, got some studying done, watched a great flick, which btw had a great quote in it, "You should never feel like you have to apologize for who you love, you just love them."
Minnie, good question! How can I address and correct this? I'd say in my disease I've already addressed it quite loudly... Correct it, well since I have no control over what he does, like Minnie said, boundaries. I can correct my reactions to it and my way I've been handling it. My ways of thinking about it and choosing not to dwell.
I actually listened to a tape of my wedding day, our vows etc. It brought back a lot of dreams I had at that time, how nieve I was, my feelings on that day. It made me remember and reflect on what he was to me, in sickness and in health to me was no huge hurdle with the feelings I had, I felt that my love for him could withstand all.

Thank you all for reminding me of what it is that is important, and it isn't focusing on the negatives in our short lives. I'm learning about my disease and trying to get humble in the fact that I'm as sick as my ah.

hugs,
~Faithchaser
FaithChaser is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:11 PM.