What I Have Learned- (or not)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ma
Posts: 145
What I Have Learned- (or not)
Hello Folks,
Some of you may (or not) recall me posting here about a year or so ago and in fact posting fairly often. I am married to a great woman who happened to be an alcoholic and had gone into treatment. She is now fact approaching 2 years sober in Nov this year. When I started to post i wondered what "down the road" looked like. Now having gone down the road a bit I can look back to see what i hoped it would be, and see now what it is.
It is a hell of a long road. If you are familar with New England the road looks like ours on the first of April after a bad winter. The holes and bumps aplenty. In fact alot of them you dont see coming. The good news is the road is still there. It takes some navigating, some skills, and sometimes you are real concerned about seeing the holes that you recall as never having been there but now are. It is doable. Drive slow, proceed with caution, but it can be done.
A sober spouse does not solve all your problems. Sometimes you (me to) have the problem about a particular situation, not the alcoholic. One man i know said to me "look just because i was a drunk, doesnt mean I wasnt right once and a while". Some problems my wife and I have had is because i want to, or attempted ,to do as i have done. Sometimes we the spouse also have to let go of our ways. That is difficult.
My point to this is that for all of you looking down this road it seems awful long. That in its self can be depressing. But people come through the other end of the road actually better for it. It is not perfect and i could, as well as she could, list perhaps a dozen problems we still have. But there are a lot of marriages like that, but facing them sober is the real step.
I have used this board, read this board and lurked around for a long time. You all have helped me in your own way and in ways you dont know. So I want to say thanks.
Again, for you traveling for the first time you can make it. It is not easy but it is doable...J
Some of you may (or not) recall me posting here about a year or so ago and in fact posting fairly often. I am married to a great woman who happened to be an alcoholic and had gone into treatment. She is now fact approaching 2 years sober in Nov this year. When I started to post i wondered what "down the road" looked like. Now having gone down the road a bit I can look back to see what i hoped it would be, and see now what it is.
It is a hell of a long road. If you are familar with New England the road looks like ours on the first of April after a bad winter. The holes and bumps aplenty. In fact alot of them you dont see coming. The good news is the road is still there. It takes some navigating, some skills, and sometimes you are real concerned about seeing the holes that you recall as never having been there but now are. It is doable. Drive slow, proceed with caution, but it can be done.
A sober spouse does not solve all your problems. Sometimes you (me to) have the problem about a particular situation, not the alcoholic. One man i know said to me "look just because i was a drunk, doesnt mean I wasnt right once and a while". Some problems my wife and I have had is because i want to, or attempted ,to do as i have done. Sometimes we the spouse also have to let go of our ways. That is difficult.
My point to this is that for all of you looking down this road it seems awful long. That in its self can be depressing. But people come through the other end of the road actually better for it. It is not perfect and i could, as well as she could, list perhaps a dozen problems we still have. But there are a lot of marriages like that, but facing them sober is the real step.
I have used this board, read this board and lurked around for a long time. You all have helped me in your own way and in ways you dont know. So I want to say thanks.
Again, for you traveling for the first time you can make it. It is not easy but it is doable...J
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Thank you Ahcb, I really needed that this morning. Several truths in your post.
This is probably the hardest one for the spouses to get their hearts and heads around. I came into Al-anon thinking I was 100% right, and my husband was 100% wrong. Thankfully, I'm learning about my share of the potholes in the road... the ones that only I can patch!
Congrats to you both and many blessings to you as you continue on your journey!
Shannon
One man i know said to me "look just because i was a drunk, doesnt mean I wasnt right once and a while".
Congrats to you both and many blessings to you as you continue on your journey!
Shannon
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Hey you...was wondering where you have been.......
I am so glad to hear your wife is still sober and I assume working a program...
Yours is a story that is very welcoming to hear....a lot of us do not have such a
wonderful ending with the A in our lives...
So happy for you and your spouse.....
Love, Patty
I am so glad to hear your wife is still sober and I assume working a program...
Yours is a story that is very welcoming to hear....a lot of us do not have such a
wonderful ending with the A in our lives...
So happy for you and your spouse.....
Love, Patty
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ma
Posts: 145
Patty,
Strange before i post i always think of that-It doesnt always end the way you hope-in truth it really is just an ongoing thing-2years is better than not but it doesnt mean it wont end today. But what i thought was a cute saying "one day at a time" really has an important message in it..She is working a program 3 meetings a week- she has a couple of close friends there and it seems to help-and keeps her there
I tell her it reminds me of the two older Jewish men who are question by the little girl--"Uncle Mort why do you go to temple?" he says to her "to talk to God"
she says "Uncle Saul, I bet you go to temple to talk to God".. "No" he replied,
"I go to talk to uncle Mort!"
Its not important to me to know why she goes, its important that she goes...J
Strange before i post i always think of that-It doesnt always end the way you hope-in truth it really is just an ongoing thing-2years is better than not but it doesnt mean it wont end today. But what i thought was a cute saying "one day at a time" really has an important message in it..She is working a program 3 meetings a week- she has a couple of close friends there and it seems to help-and keeps her there
I tell her it reminds me of the two older Jewish men who are question by the little girl--"Uncle Mort why do you go to temple?" he says to her "to talk to God"
she says "Uncle Saul, I bet you go to temple to talk to God".. "No" he replied,
"I go to talk to uncle Mort!"
Its not important to me to know why she goes, its important that she goes...J
stealth mode...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Thank you for that post. It did not work for me and my A....but I will tell you what
Im still on the road and boy oh boy did I create some potholes of my own.... it does not always end how you had hoped then it would, in my case I could not have been more blessed in how it turned out.
I love to hear happy stories like yours though... Thanks again
Im still on the road and boy oh boy did I create some potholes of my own.... it does not always end how you had hoped then it would, in my case I could not have been more blessed in how it turned out.
I love to hear happy stories like yours though... Thanks again
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
ahcb - what wonderful news and yeah, tough to admit we caused some of the chaos ourselves. welcome back and don't stay in the stealth mode so long huh! sharing ESH is what it's all about buddy!
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