His Needs, Her Needs, and "the talk" a few minutes ago
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Join Date: Nov 2004
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His Needs, Her Needs, and "the talk" a few minutes ago
I've been reading the book His Needs, Her Needs. In his book the author writes that the needs are as follows:
HIS
Sexual Fulfillment
Recreational Companionship
An Attractive Spouse
Domestic Support
Admiration from his spouse
HER
Affection
Conversation
Honesty and openness
Financial Support
Family Commitment
Ok, you get the gist. Now, couple that with what you bring to the table in dealing with an addict. Recipe? Disaster. If you continuously give these five main points to your addict, male or female, to "fuel" your relationship, you end up exactly where I did -- in the poor house making excuses for my husband who was doing exactly what dry drunks do ------
Anyway, tonight I had "the" discussion regarding last week's blowout. I explained that I felt, at best, treated like a child, and that I had grown intolerant of that part of him that treated me so poorly. I did say that I love him and that, when I get back from my trip next week, that I would be looking for an answer as to how we would proceed. I also said that it takes two people to fix a relationship, I believed that ours was fixable, and I would do my part but not alone. I also stated that I would not be bringing this up until I got back from my trip. I asked him to consider different sources of guidance whether that be a sponsor, AA, or in some other forum. I don't think he thought that I would change my method (retreat). He knows that's a part of him -- just like bad eyesight is a part of me. I wear contacts. He needs to handle this or the outcome is sealed.
All the cards have been dealt. They are all on the table. I think I just need some prayers that it ends up the way it is supposed to. LOTS of prayers. And probably some antacid for my rumbling stomach...........
Thanks.
HIS
Sexual Fulfillment
Recreational Companionship
An Attractive Spouse
Domestic Support
Admiration from his spouse
HER
Affection
Conversation
Honesty and openness
Financial Support
Family Commitment
Ok, you get the gist. Now, couple that with what you bring to the table in dealing with an addict. Recipe? Disaster. If you continuously give these five main points to your addict, male or female, to "fuel" your relationship, you end up exactly where I did -- in the poor house making excuses for my husband who was doing exactly what dry drunks do ------
Anyway, tonight I had "the" discussion regarding last week's blowout. I explained that I felt, at best, treated like a child, and that I had grown intolerant of that part of him that treated me so poorly. I did say that I love him and that, when I get back from my trip next week, that I would be looking for an answer as to how we would proceed. I also said that it takes two people to fix a relationship, I believed that ours was fixable, and I would do my part but not alone. I also stated that I would not be bringing this up until I got back from my trip. I asked him to consider different sources of guidance whether that be a sponsor, AA, or in some other forum. I don't think he thought that I would change my method (retreat). He knows that's a part of him -- just like bad eyesight is a part of me. I wear contacts. He needs to handle this or the outcome is sealed.
All the cards have been dealt. They are all on the table. I think I just need some prayers that it ends up the way it is supposed to. LOTS of prayers. And probably some antacid for my rumbling stomach...........
Thanks.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
I also said that the standard was so high in our house that I wasn't able to apologize to him, that I couldn't be human in my own home, and that being human was who I was. I should be able to share my failures as well as my successes and that hadn't ever been possible in our marriage. I wanted to be human in our home. I was human in all other forums.
Good grief, I think I said everything that has been bottled up inside me since the day I got married in those 5 minutes. No anger, just the facts "as I felt them to be". Right, like it was even possible that I was off-base.....................LOL
Good grief, I think I said everything that has been bottled up inside me since the day I got married in those 5 minutes. No anger, just the facts "as I felt them to be". Right, like it was even possible that I was off-base.....................LOL
Very well said. I'm proud of you. You said what you meant. I hope it works out for the best. 
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Yeah, he's in AA. I gave that as an option for him to consider looking to for a resource. I also suggested a sponsor which he's never had. Apparently the AA group he attends is an all men's group. Each person brings something to share based on whatever the discussion is that evening. This is a don't ask, don't tell part of our marriage. So is most anything else if it is from him. Now, if it's from me, I'm an open book because *that's the way it's supposed to be.*
Hmmmm.......I'm still up and it's the middle of the night. This bites.
Hmmmm.......I'm still up and it's the middle of the night. This bites.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
THere is no doubt that they will end of where they're supposed to. However, that may not be where you would like them to be.
"Supposed to" and *my desires* arent always the same. Sometimes "supposed to" things are negative..at first.....
"Supposed to" and *my desires* arent always the same. Sometimes "supposed to" things are negative..at first.....
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
First let me say that I've read the book that you are referring too. Actually mentioned the author here a few weeks ago. I've also checked out his website. I believe the man (Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.) has some wonderful insights into relationships. However, I want to clarify for readers here that may not be familiar with Dr. Harley's work that he does say that those needs that you posted for him & her are NOT everyone's needs. Everyone being individuals, not all men will rank those same needs in importance as will not all females have the same needs and in that order as well. What he has listed is just the basic majority.
Stormyautumn, the needs listed are NOT all in reference to sex either as your post seems to have interpreted such. Here's a page that may help you understand. About midway down he gives breif descriptions of what those actual needs are in reference too.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/grap...300_needs.html
Also, there is a section on the website (as well as in the book) that gives you different questionnaires for you and your spouse to fill out to determine just what your needs are as well as some other very insightful things into your spouse. Those questionnaires can be found here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/grap..._resource.html
Once at this page, look on the left hand side of the page for the links to the different questionnaires.
And another thing I'd like to add for those of you that are not familiar with Dr. Harley's work - he states that he will not even do counseling with a couple where addiction is involved until that person(s) has been sober, etc. for a bit. He explains why if you want to check it out, I dont want to misquote anything.
Sorry for the lesson, but I have a lot of belief in this man's ideas, etc. and have been studying them for quite some time. In that respect, I do not want anyone to get the wrong idea.
If you want to check it out for yourself, the website is www.marriagebuilders.com. The site is huge but is a wealth of information.
Personally I think that the biggest thing I've read in Beautiful's post is that she is making a stand for herself and putting up boundaries. This to me is the most important thing. It's a wonderful thing when you finally reach a place where you can do that.
I found for me, that reading through the site and taking the questionnaires ALONE! I learned a lot of stuff about myself which has really helped me in my own recovery.
I say Great Job Beautiful! Sounds like you handled yourself wonderfully and are definately on the road to a much better life and recovery! Good job!
Stormyautumn, the needs listed are NOT all in reference to sex either as your post seems to have interpreted such. Here's a page that may help you understand. About midway down he gives breif descriptions of what those actual needs are in reference too.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/grap...300_needs.html
Also, there is a section on the website (as well as in the book) that gives you different questionnaires for you and your spouse to fill out to determine just what your needs are as well as some other very insightful things into your spouse. Those questionnaires can be found here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/grap..._resource.html
Once at this page, look on the left hand side of the page for the links to the different questionnaires.
And another thing I'd like to add for those of you that are not familiar with Dr. Harley's work - he states that he will not even do counseling with a couple where addiction is involved until that person(s) has been sober, etc. for a bit. He explains why if you want to check it out, I dont want to misquote anything.
Sorry for the lesson, but I have a lot of belief in this man's ideas, etc. and have been studying them for quite some time. In that respect, I do not want anyone to get the wrong idea.
If you want to check it out for yourself, the website is www.marriagebuilders.com. The site is huge but is a wealth of information.
Personally I think that the biggest thing I've read in Beautiful's post is that she is making a stand for herself and putting up boundaries. This to me is the most important thing. It's a wonderful thing when you finally reach a place where you can do that.
I found for me, that reading through the site and taking the questionnaires ALONE! I learned a lot of stuff about myself which has really helped me in my own recovery.
I say Great Job Beautiful! Sounds like you handled yourself wonderfully and are definately on the road to a much better life and recovery! Good job!
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Join Date: Jun 2005
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And another thing I'd like to add for those of you that are not familiar with Dr. Harley's work - he states that he will not even do counseling with a couple where addiction is involved until that person(s) has been sober, etc. for a bit.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Thank you Standing strong. I have read some of his books as well and thought some comments were taken (just a little bit) out of context, LOL!
Not all men OR women have the same basic needs.
FWR - Becasue you can't reason with an active addict. You can't compromise with an active addict. Marriage requires compromise between two reasonable people. No one in their right mind would attempt marriage counseling while one is an active addict.
Not all men OR women have the same basic needs.
FWR - Becasue you can't reason with an active addict. You can't compromise with an active addict. Marriage requires compromise between two reasonable people. No one in their right mind would attempt marriage counseling while one is an active addict.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
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http://www.marriagebuilders.com/grap...i5048a_qa.html
The link will take you to an article called "What to Do with an Alcoholic Spouse". Below is a paragraph of that article stating what you asked for Fire Wind Rain.
And here is the following paragraph explaining why:
The link will take you to an article called "What to Do with an Alcoholic Spouse". Below is a paragraph of that article stating what you asked for Fire Wind Rain.
My job as a marriage counselor begins after successful treatment and sobriety. If the addicted spouse refuses treatment, then I direct the unaddicted spouse to Alanon or some other support group for spouses of alcoholics. Sometimes, I encourage an intervention.
That's what I learned to do after discovering that an alcoholic is so much in love with alcohol, that while in the state of addiction, there is no way for them to consider their spouse's feelings whenever they make decisions, a necessary condition for a great marriage. Alcohol always comes first, even when it is at the spouse's expense.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Congrads to you for setting your boundries, I will send prayers to you for next week and that even if he does not want or cannot respect those boundries that you are ok with what could come next.
Im going to have to check out that website! Thanks
Im going to have to check out that website! Thanks
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
My husband is learning how not to be a dry drunk. I didn't recognize his addiction in our house because it was masked by a clever little thing called dis-ease. I just thought he was an ass.
I do think the book has fascinating principles -- ones that I wish someday to have in my own marriage (or lack thereof) LOL
I do think the book has fascinating principles -- ones that I wish someday to have in my own marriage (or lack thereof) LOL
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