Heavy Heart

I feel like I need more support now that my h has stopped using drugs. I think I liked him better when he was using,
isn't that crazy.
At least he was happy.

Now he's misreable
and he spends his time focusing on me,
and how I have caused all of his problems.

I have learned to stop asking him if he's going to meetings or not because his inevitable answer is always something pertaining to what I am going to do to get help for me.

I'm finding myself longing for the days when he ignored me

Maybe I am the crazy one. Who knows, when someone tells you enough that you're the problem, you start to believe it.

He thinks his problem is gone now that he doesn't use drugs anymore. How do you tell someone that they seem sicker off the drugs then they seemed on them and they need some kind of recovery without actually telling them that?

Thanks, any advice would be appreciated

Heavy Heart

Rose56

Hello Heavy Heart,
I don't have any experience with "dry drunk" or addict, but I understand that it can be worse than the drinking/drugging stage. Someone will come along soon to offer their experience. I just wanted to say I hear you and understand. May I suggest face to face Alanon meetings? These meetings have been so helpful to me over the past 9 months. It has helped me to focus on myself more often, but I still tend to focus on my husband. Take care, help is on the way..............

smoke gets in my eyes

HI Heavy Heart.

Welcome to the recovery forum!

At least he was happy? He wasn't happy, he was anesthetized. If he's just recently given up using, then he may be experiencing the discomfort of physical withdrawal, as well as having to hobble though life without his crutch. Finger pointing is pretty typical. Try not to follow his "no, YOU're the problem" example. Keep working on your own recovery and hope he finds the inspiration to work on his.

Hugs,
Smoke

Paulie

Hey HH -

Welcome!

I am to agree with Smoke, this is just the beginning of his not using, he will run through millions of emotions. Take care of YOU and try to count his meetings. Do not take his bantering personal, I know from experience when a person stops medicating, the feelings/emotions are like a tidal wave rusing though you 24/7. Who is is right now, is not the person who he truly is. Just like when he was high, that is not who he truly is. give it time, if that is what you choose to do. The roller coaster ride may take a while.

Best to you!!! God Bless!

RedAPBT

HH,

I have little to add to Paulene and Smoke... they are right in saying that he was anesthesized... Living with an active addict/alcoholic who is now in recovery - the roller coaster ride was hell at times, and still is, but I am finally getting to know him and who he is without all the crap... just as I am getting to know me and the parts I played in the chaos that was my life for 5 years.

I too thought I was happier with him when he was using after he stopped - but boy was I wrong... I was only comfortable and he was only predictable.

I would also recommend Al-Anon to you -

Take care and keep posting!
RedAPBT

Cajun girl

Now that he is not numbing his life, it is alot easier to focus on you. It is so much easier to focus on someone outside of yourself. Try to remember that this is his present coping mechanism. He probably doesn't know any different. As he works his program, listens in mtgs,he will learn other strategies. If he doesn't go, well things may not change with HIM. Change you, focus on you too, but in getting healthy.

I can always tell if my A is slipping. He becomes very critical of me, and my kids. He is short tempered and irritable. Nothing pleases him because he's not ok with himself. He has told me at times like that he is miserable, and chooses not to escape with alcohol/drugs anymore. As he has said to me more than once, "I'm doing the best I can with what I have to work with."

Ann

Heavy Heart

All those bad personality traits that we used to blame on the drugs, are usually still there when the using stops.

The pain that led them to use needs to be addressed. Recovery is a process so much deeper than just quitting drugs.

My heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you. Just do the best you can with your own recover, and keep safe.

And know that we are here and we care.

Kittycat

Heavy,
I went through that with my A about 6 years ago. he just stopped drinking and it was worse. He was a royal%^&*()_! mean ...nasty and oh so many other things! Since your A won't go into recovery it is best you look out for yourself. I was not smart enough and really beacame worse than him, I beacame anxious and had to go on meds.
Recently he hit his bottom and has gone through rehab and is doing very well to date.
Take care you yourself...FIRST
Love!
Kitty

bonbon

Heavy Heart,
I just wanted to welcome you here. I know or can imagine what your going through. If it is anything like my x-A just being without the drugs, man I know what a handful that can be. Hang in there...keep doing for yourself and know that your NOT the cause of his problem.

Keep coming back!

Love ya!

Heavy Heart

Thank you all so much for your support. I have been going to alanon meetings but I have small children so it's hard.

It's ironic really my A thinks all the problems are about me and that alanon is all about him.

In this new phase of beginning recovery he also seems to be riddled with guilt. He has been trying harder than usual but he gets frustrated often when things don't go his way and that's when I guess it's convenient to blame me.

I do think I'm making pogress even though I'm still talking about him. At least I'm thinking about why he may be acting the way he is so that I can let it go. Usually, I am too busy playing defense and planning my next move to really see the situation from a compassionate point of view.

Laceejoe

Welcome to the board, Heavy heart!!!! Hopefully, like myself, you'll feel that you've come home to a roomful of support and love!! I just want you to know that you are not to blame for your husbands actions. It is so easy for another person to put the blame for their misery on someone else---and, after hearing it for so long---you DO begin to believe it!! Been there!! Life is tough, but you're not alone in this. Coming to this site shows that you're seeking something----and that is the first step. I'm glad to hear that you are attending Alanon, even if it is only occasionally. I'll pray that something happens in your life that will allow you to attend as many as you can because the support there is tremendous!!! It would be wonderful if there was a day-care at the meetings where the kids could have a safe place to play while you attend. Is that an option for you??? I know that some AA meetings are like that. Anyway, please continue to read these wonderful ladies posts---and write as often as you need to. We're all here for you!!! P.S. Keep some compassion for YOU!!!! LACEEJOE

Live

A and I have been going thro' this stuff for 5 yrs. One time he stayed clean for several months and he was an ogre. One time I came home and he had moved my stuff out on the lawn. I said, Ok, started moving his stuff out with mine and said, Well, I guess we'll just tell people we're painting!

hahahahahaha

NOW, who's crazy, I'm crying because he found somebody else to torture???????

Let me get my head examined.