Emotional Blackmail
Acting not reacting
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Emotional Blackmail
Emotional Blackmailers:
Threaten to make things difficult if you don't do what they want.
Constantly threaten to end the relationship if you don't give in.
Regularly ignore or discount your feelings and wants.
Tell you or imply that they will neglect, hurt themselves, or become depressed if you don't do what they want.
Shower you with approval when you give into them and take it away when you don't.
Use money as a weapon to get their own way.
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Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten (either directly or indirectly) to punish us if we don't do what they want. At the heart of any kind of blackmail is one basic threat, which can be expressed in many different ways: If you don't behave the way I want you to, you will suffer. A criminal blackmailer might threaten to use knowledge about a person's past to ruin her reputation, or ask to be paid off in cash to hide a secret. Emotional blackmail hits closer to home. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationship with them. They know our vulnerabilities. Often they know our deepest secret. And no matter how much they care about us, when they fear they won't go their way, they use this intimate knowledge to shape the threats that give them the payoff they want: our compliance. Knowing that we want love or approval, our blackmailers threaten to withhold it or take it away altogether, or make feel we must earn it. For example, if you pride yourself being generous and caring, the blackmailer might label you selfish or inconsiderate if you don't accede to his wishes. If you value money and security, the blackmailer might attach conditions to providing them or threaten to take them away. And if you believe the blackmailer, you could fall into a pattern of letting him control your decisions and behavior. We get locked into a dance with blackmail, a dance with myriad steps, shapes and partners.
Emotional blackmailers hate to lose. They take the old adage "It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game", and turn it on its head to read "It doesn't matter how you play the game as long as you do not lose." To an emotional blackmailer, keeping your trust doesn't count, respecting your feelings doesn't count, being fair doesn't count. The ground rules that allow for healthy give-and-take go out the window. In the midst of what we thought was a solid relationship it's as though someone yelled "Everyone for himself!" and the other person lumped to take advantage of us while our guard was down. Why is winning so important to blackmailers, we ask ourselves. Why are they doing this to us? Why do they need to get their way so badly that they'll punish us if they don't?
Visit this site for more info...its too much for me to paste
http://www.angelfire.com/biz/BPD/blackmail.html
Threaten to make things difficult if you don't do what they want.
Constantly threaten to end the relationship if you don't give in.
Regularly ignore or discount your feelings and wants.
Tell you or imply that they will neglect, hurt themselves, or become depressed if you don't do what they want.
Shower you with approval when you give into them and take it away when you don't.
Use money as a weapon to get their own way.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten (either directly or indirectly) to punish us if we don't do what they want. At the heart of any kind of blackmail is one basic threat, which can be expressed in many different ways: If you don't behave the way I want you to, you will suffer. A criminal blackmailer might threaten to use knowledge about a person's past to ruin her reputation, or ask to be paid off in cash to hide a secret. Emotional blackmail hits closer to home. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationship with them. They know our vulnerabilities. Often they know our deepest secret. And no matter how much they care about us, when they fear they won't go their way, they use this intimate knowledge to shape the threats that give them the payoff they want: our compliance. Knowing that we want love or approval, our blackmailers threaten to withhold it or take it away altogether, or make feel we must earn it. For example, if you pride yourself being generous and caring, the blackmailer might label you selfish or inconsiderate if you don't accede to his wishes. If you value money and security, the blackmailer might attach conditions to providing them or threaten to take them away. And if you believe the blackmailer, you could fall into a pattern of letting him control your decisions and behavior. We get locked into a dance with blackmail, a dance with myriad steps, shapes and partners.
Emotional blackmailers hate to lose. They take the old adage "It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game", and turn it on its head to read "It doesn't matter how you play the game as long as you do not lose." To an emotional blackmailer, keeping your trust doesn't count, respecting your feelings doesn't count, being fair doesn't count. The ground rules that allow for healthy give-and-take go out the window. In the midst of what we thought was a solid relationship it's as though someone yelled "Everyone for himself!" and the other person lumped to take advantage of us while our guard was down. Why is winning so important to blackmailers, we ask ourselves. Why are they doing this to us? Why do they need to get their way so badly that they'll punish us if they don't?
Visit this site for more info...its too much for me to paste
http://www.angelfire.com/biz/BPD/blackmail.html
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I used to be a passive-agressive, definitely. Emotional blackmail, as described above, wasn't my bag, but sighing, eye rolling, hinting, flouncing, deep intakes of breath, sulking, silence, door slamming, tutting, saying "whatever", "It doesn't matter", "I'm fine", "Nothing's wrong", "I shouldn't have to spell it out" were all specialities of mine. In fact, I should have won medals for my displays of passive-aggressiveness.
10.0 9.75 9.95 10.0 9.95 9.65 10.0 - it's gold for Minnie!
10.0 9.75 9.95 10.0 9.95 9.65 10.0 - it's gold for Minnie!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Originally Posted by minnie
In fact, I should have won medals for my displays of passive-aggressiveness.
10.0 9.75 9.95 10.0 9.95 9.65 10.0 - it's gold for Minnie!
10.0 9.75 9.95 10.0 9.95 9.65 10.0 - it's gold for Minnie!
I would have one a gold for emotional blackmail..I was as bad as the A I was with at the time (this was a few years ago..I got better..Phew..I wouldn't have wanted to date me)..
I once threatened to kill myself if he didn't do what I wanted..Wow - can't believe I was that sick..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Henderson, NV
Posts: 14
Emotional stages with a drunk!
I went to an Al-anon meeting once and I remember they wrote on a blackboard the different stages we go through. My memory's a little fuzzy, but I'll try to remember:
Denial
Self Blame
Emotional Blackmail
Manipulation (slightly different from blackmail)
Grief
Letting go
My memory's a bit fuzzy, but this is close. The grieving is the final stage before either letting go and staying or letting go and leaving. That stage can go on for years. You know, I learned in the rooms that "insanity is repeating the same process over and over expecting different results." And all the years the suffering goes on and on and finally you end up losing your sanity, resigning to being miserable or leaving and starting over. Then you look back and wonder why you wasted so many years, but nobody else can show you that. It's all a learning process and you have to take the steps when you're ready for them. I'm so stupid. I learned so much from an ex-husband who was a drunk, took me ten years to escape. And now I'm with another, only this one's in denial. I'm tired and tried to leave before and was separated and was suicidal. Oh, if only we could wake up and have the present years in our past, huh?
Denial
Self Blame
Emotional Blackmail
Manipulation (slightly different from blackmail)
Grief
Letting go
My memory's a bit fuzzy, but this is close. The grieving is the final stage before either letting go and staying or letting go and leaving. That stage can go on for years. You know, I learned in the rooms that "insanity is repeating the same process over and over expecting different results." And all the years the suffering goes on and on and finally you end up losing your sanity, resigning to being miserable or leaving and starting over. Then you look back and wonder why you wasted so many years, but nobody else can show you that. It's all a learning process and you have to take the steps when you're ready for them. I'm so stupid. I learned so much from an ex-husband who was a drunk, took me ten years to escape. And now I'm with another, only this one's in denial. I'm tired and tried to leave before and was separated and was suicidal. Oh, if only we could wake up and have the present years in our past, huh?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
jewgirl - i had never seen the stages listed - boy that hits home with me - i was in the last stage before my AH passed away a little over a week ago. thanks for posting that - it helped me.
minnie - how'd ya get so durned smart girlfriend - you continue to amaze me!
minnie - how'd ya get so durned smart girlfriend - you continue to amaze me!
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