EndOfRoadWife

First, I wanted to say that last Friday my AH told me he was leaving work now and even asked if the girls had ate..(I could actually hear it though in his voice that he was going to pull something, funny how I'm starting to be able to tell)..Then, he never answered his cellphone the rest of the evening except for 11pm and he was completely drunk...I let my 5 year old leave a message at his mom's house that if she talked to him he needs to remember about her soccer game that he is the only soccer coach for on Saturday at 10:15am..I left a message also..(because his mother never calls my house, she only calls his cellphone, I think she is too afraid to ever call my house and him not be there and she'd rather not know because I think it is too upsetting for her to deal with)..Anyhow, the next morning he did call around 8:20am from his workplace and hung up..He works in Pittsburgh on the Soutside where there are hundreds and hundreds of bars.He showed up in time to coach the soccer game. Before he showed up though, in the morning I left another message telling his mom to please talk her son into signing these divorce papers and to leave because my kids should'nt have to give up their dog, backyard, trampoline and their bedrooms..He had been text messaging since saying he's sorry and he doesn't know why he does what he does (which is the usual)..He hasn't come home which is what I told him to do, and last night at 12:30am when I was sleeping, I got a text message that said "I love you guys. I will not let you go ever and this may be easiest. I am sorry. I suck. ", I just text message back and said "You need help. Why won't you go for real help? and then I never heard no more..Usually, I would be the type to call him on his cellphone and make sure he is alright, but I didn't..I don't know if I should or not, but I didn't want to be an "over codie" and afterall, I did send a message to get help..I do, however, get a little scared at his message about "this may be easiest" and I don't really like to play around when it comes to something like that. I know they have to hit bottom..He has hit bottom before and went to "1" meeting only and actually lasted 8 weeks of being sober before..(He doesn't drink every day and we haven't had beer in our house since last year, but it seems to be when he is down in that environment at work..He doesn't even drink on weekends when he is home. (Not that that matters anyhow when he does)..I guess I will wait and see if I hear from him..I will not call or anything cause I don't want to give him a sense of security...I shouldn't run too much to the rescue, right? What is sad is if I ever call his mom's house, she screens her calls and doesn't answer..Years ago, when these problems started, she would be involved a little bit but not much. but now, I hardly ever even call her house because I know she chooses to turn her cheek..I would want to know everything about my son and I would want to educate myself in dealing with addiction.. I do seek help for myself in dealing with this..And if anything ever happened to her son, I will hold so much resentment because she never helped me at all. (sorry to ramble on)

FriendofBill

It sounds like you are experiencing the typical alcoholic family drama, which is, of course, terribly sad.

I dont know if you wanted advice, or just to vent, but my suggestion would be to leave the Mom out of it. She is affected by his disease as you are, she has no idea how to deal with it,s o she doesnt. Remember, its a family disease.

He does what he does because he has a complusion that drives him to do it. Please learn more about alcoholism, seek recovery for yourself and the relief and understanding will come.

HIs text message said, to me anyhow, how desperate and self hating is feels. Pray for him.

GettingBy

We have to accept how others chose to handle situations, and that includes our parents, their parents, children, friends, neighbors, co-workers... they all fall under the category of "Things We're Powerless Over." I don't have any books in front of me but I believe it's Tradition Number 5? Practicing the 12 Steps so that we can understand and encourage our alcoholic relatives. I've come to understand that this also includes all other family members who've also been affected just like me.

I think it's fairly reasonable to assume that his Mom would prefer to deny the magnitude of the situation with her son. She's acting alot like my mother-in-law, taking calls when things are good, and adamantly avoiding me when all he!! breaks lose. I've learned to accept it, and don't bother calling her anymore. If she really wanted to know, she'd call me.

His text messages and phone calls are a desperate attempt to pull you back into the game. Is that really what you want?

Blessing to you,
Shannon

EndOfRoadWife

Thank you FriendOfBill & Getting by.. You are right about the mom and usually I don't even call..I think it has been months since I only allowed my daughter to call and ask if he was there..but since she never calls me and asks how things are going, I usually do leave her out ot if..That's why I haven't call her to tell her that her son seems suicidal..Instead of me calling him, I prayed for him and asked God to please help him and I placed him in God's hands...I will do nothing in the meantime..It is all up to him if he ever choses to actually get real professional help and that includes leaving that workplace because I don't see him ever handling that environment. I hate addiction and what it has done to him, myself and our children...He used to be the best husband and father!! Thanks!! It really helps me coming on here..

GettingBy

That's perfect!
Don't do 'nothing'... keep taking care of you!! :-)

It is so sad to watch the disease steal the life out of them. My emotions go crazy when I let myself dwell on it too long. It is really too much for a single person to bear on their own, but we don't have to if we realize our HP is there to help us.

Your posts help us all!
Blessings to you,
Shannon

EndOfRoadWife

You are right Getting by..I will do stuff for myself (but it is still sad at the same time as to what has happened to him). After work, I took my 5 year old on the bike trail and put her in the backseat..i got a really great work out and the bike trail is very scenic by my house because it is right along the river with all the trees..It is very peaceful..and I do want peace in my life..Now tonight, I'll be taking the little one to dance class and I should be meeting my girlfriend at the gym..I will continue praying..Thank you!

GettingBy

Where about's in PGH do you live? I lived in Greentree for 2 years... and I bought my first car from a place in Castle Shannon (how appropriate, eh??)!!

I loved PGH and all the people there, so unbelievably friendly!! I had a hard time adjusting to driving around (got lost more times than I can count!! LOL!), but at least the scenery was nice!

:-) Shannon

EndOfRoadWife

I live about an hour outside of Pittsburgh and he works in Pittsburgh, but he is from Canonsburg originally...Yeah, Greentree is really close! I still have trouble driving around there! ha

EndOfRoadWife

Update- More text messages (but I got them a day later) this same night he sent another text message "I really don't even want to live anymore. I just don't. I am sorry that I always let you down. And yes. I am sober sorry". 12:35am Then another one "Boy am I a f----up. I am sorry that I made your life hell. I am. I need to die. I am really hating myself today in a real bad way. I am a real screw up"., Then another one "Tell the girls that I loe them and that I am sorry taht daddy is a waste of life. Maybe it will all end shortly. You see right. Sorry. I do love you." , then, another one "I am at my moms again and I can not understand how 2 such wonderful people made a monster like me. I hope I got to sleep and do not wake up. I am serious" 12:30am..Another "don't need rehab, babe. I want to give up. I do. Life sucks and I just can't do it babe. I can't. My heart hurts and I wish it would just give up. 12:41am..Then, "Didn't work. I woke up. 9/14 6:20am....My phone lots of times don't give me messages right away..So I received all these messags last evening and I sent him a message that told him to get help..I told me daughter to call him last night and he didn't answer and then I told her she could call her grandmothers house to see if he was there to talk to him and of course, his mom did not anser the phone and she let the machine get it..I don't know if I should call and leave her a message and let her know that her son is suicidal and that he may have took something when he stayed there....But it is obvious she doesn't want to heat anything from me and I've always been nice to her..Should I?

Pick-a-name

OMG....I am sorry...my A/H just went thru all that same kind of talk with me,especially this weekend and said I should have divorced him, blah,blah...and went thru with the divorce Tuesday. I am a wreck; he is worse.

I am so sorry you are having these problems....they are maddening and gut-retching all at one, as ALL of us here know. Sending you a hug and a prayer.

EndOfRoadWife

Your husband is worse with acting suicidal do you mean? Is he in the home? I still am at work right now and I am just debating calling the mom.. In one sense, I get tired of the "drama" of me leaving the message about her son, but then I debate on the other hand, if something ever did happen to him I would maybe feel guilty..but his mom doesn't even pick uop that phone and I haven't called her probably in a year or more about her son..just last friday night and Saturday morning I left messages..that was it..I don't harass her or anything. He wanted to come home yesterday and I told him No..Thanks for your support!

Pick-a-name

Suicidal...........that is my fear. People try to tell me A's are too selfish for that, I do not personally believe that. He is afraid; he is depressed; he is not thinking or acting like himself....yes, I am very worried about him.

No, he is not in the home. He hasn't been. And after 27yrs of marriage, he divorced me this week because basically .........I believe he knows he can not stop on his own, so he is afraid to try. He; of course, wants to do it on his own......excepting help is not something he allows himself to do. (admit) His self-esteem is in the toilet......but his veneer is still good (ie. good job, money, blah,blah) He "doesn't want to hurt us any more". It is scary.......but out of my hands, not my heart.

EndOfRoadWife

yES. I am the same way as you...I do not believe that they are too selfish because a guy from my town just killed himself from a drug overdose 2 weeks ago..I actually think my AH may have even taken pills and went to sleep since he sent me that message. My AH doesn't want to go for help either. (he attempts to on his own and fails over and over) He went to a meeting back the end of March and was clean and sober for 2 months. My AH has a good job and $ as well and I told him yesterday to quit that job and he said he cannot right now..He gambles on top of all this, so I don't know where he thinks he is actually getting himself. 27 years of marriage is a really long time!

Pick-a-name

It is insanity. Mine told me he has never stopped (he tries to "cut back" quietly,but...) and he never will. He knows it is a problem; he divorced me because he knew I would not be able to do that. It is tragic. yes; we have been together longer than not.

EndOfRoadWife

Now my AH just e-mailed me and said told me to please let the girls know that he is ok and he'll see them when I will allow, he's sorry and then he said This will all be over soon enough"..I don't know if he means he is gonna sign divorce papers or if he is talking suicidal again..I still haven't called the parents house yet.