Abigail36

Hi everyone just wanted to tell you all a bit about myself im 36 have 3 children and a good man hes not totally understanding but i general hes a good man.Anyway i was brought up with both my parents as alcoholics,I had a very very scary up bringing.I have no self esteem whats so ever im very very depressed at this time I was also sexually abused off my grandad and my mothers so called freinds.I just look back on my child hood and feel very very angry and bitter.I have read the steps for Alanon and i no i shouldent feel sorry formyself,But at the moment im in therapy for the sexual abuse,AND feel i have to put the steps on hold for a while,Cause i feel i need to deal with all this anger and all my emotoins,and that including feeling sorry for myself greiving ECT to get it all out then I can start again with my life and start the step program again.When i first started working the 12 steps they helped me a great deal they opened a lot off doors for me,But one off those doors was sorting my abuse problem out,But confused now because everthing my Councellor says it dosent have anything to do with the steps.For instance I told her that ive got to accept my hubby for what he is,Then she said thats fine as long as he accepts you as you are but if he dosent thats were the problem starts,And shes rite i get so frustrated, like i say hes not a bad man but he can dictate to me a lot and he dosent respect my ideas or anything like that so why should i accept him when he dosent accept me.Anyway i hope all this isent confusing you or boring you but i feel i want to continue with the steps but feel i have to put them on hold for the time being but would it still be ok to come here cause i feel i could do with some good advice at the moment aspecially being in therapy its getting very very tough.But feel i need to do it need to deal with all my feelings Anger sadness shame guilt everthing.There is one thing that the steps have gave me strength.Its made me feel theres no turning back this time ive tried councelling before but as soon as it starts getting tough thats it i stop.But this time i know God is with me,and im going to keep going no matter how hard it gets but would love to have all your support here if thats ok.Anyway ill leave it there for the time being and hope i can come and talk to you all when im feeling very down or everyday if you dont mind,I would be very grateful.Just one more questoin do u think that ill have to put the steps on hold while im in therapy or do you think they will still be ok to follow im just getting a bit confused by it all cause i feel that in the steps it says you have to put the past behind you but at the moment i cant i have to deal with it all first then i can put it were it belongs and get on with the rest of my life and defently the 12 steps will defently be part of my life.I hope to ear from you soon love Abi

Live

Abby,
I get very confused too sometimes. You know, if I knew what to do, I wouldn't be poking around in these sites myself! hahahaha
I'm a new member too and it is really encouraging to me to have found this site, all ready I have some great new friends. There's alot of wisdom here.

silverlilies

Hello Abigal, This is my first post and almost hesitate to write as it will be so much briefer than my thoughts. But I think I hear what you're saying, and part of what the confusion is about. My introduction to the twelve steps was over twelve years ago, but I DO remember the confusion around "letting go." I think that's what I'm hearing, more or less. . . (I'm not clear if you're saying your husband has dependency/recovery issues. or if it's all about the controll? and maybe that isn't really a part of this anyway. . .)
One of my biggest problems was in discovering how to allow others to make their own choices yet honor my own boundaries for self respect. (this did get easier as I actually learned to define those boundaries for myself- lol) I don't hear your counselor's word as opposite, just not spoken in "step" lingo.
You are right, it's in both his and your best interest to let him be who he is. But in working the steps you are working YOUR program, and YOUR needs must be considered. It sounds like you want the marriage to continue? So your goal is probably finding out how you can thrive, not "survive" in it. You have a right to set limits/boundaries. . . and only he can choose whether or not he'll honor them. Which then leaves you with the choice of choosing your response to him. Personally, I think recovery is a lot about recognizing our choices and making healthy decisions about them. . . . and both relate strongly to opening yourself to that connection with a higher Power. . . . just know we've all been there or we wouldn't be here! Be assured you ARE moving forward. . . and trust the steps!

bonbon

Abi,
I just want to welcome you here. I've got good news for you...there is hope out there. And you have found a great place here for all the support you want. Come every day and hour if you want. We want to give each other support. This is where we all come to voice our fears,worries,troubles and problems. We learn from each other. This past year, I feel I've only made it past the first two steps. I take one and go with it, apply it in all areas of my life. Main thing I am telling you, just take your time with it....go at your own pace.

I can't remember now if you said you attend alanon meetings? They are great if you can get to one in your area.

Hang in there...keep coming back here..it CAN get better.

Love ya!

Patsyd1

Hi Abigail,

I would suggest putting everything and everyone on hold.... and get to an AA meeting. When I was still drinking, it was always about "THEM"

This is not about "THEM" Abigail.... this is about getting sober one day at a time, putting our own sobriety first on the priority list.

Because without our sobriety, there is nothing else that we can possibly work on. "FIRST THINGS FIRST"

I know the feeling Abigail.... that if I can just get my life together by trying to get all the cards lined up, in a row, nice and neat and then all will be well.

Nope, the first thing that I had to do before anything else in my life was.... I had to get to AA meetings, I had to get sober first and begin to work the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous in my life with the help of a sponsor and the people in AA. Then after one year of solid sobriety, and working the 12 Steps in my own life to stay sober one day at a time.... then I could begin to work on other stuff.

Without my own sobriety.... there is nothing else.

God Bless with Love,
Patsy

Morning Glory

Abigail,

I would have to agree with Patsy. I am not an alcoholic, but I have taken my alcoholic son to sexual abuse counseling and they have all said the same thing. He has to deal with his alcoholism first. He can only deal with the other issues after he stops drinking.

I'm sure there is a lot of confusion for you with all the memories and suffering that went along with your childhood. I too went through childhood trauma so I know. The main factor that brought healing to me was taking responsibility for my own emotions, behavior and actions.

AA would be a good place to start and the twelve steps will include all of this. I didn't work the steps through my healing because I didn't know about them. I can look at the steps now though and see that I worked them without knowing it. God did an amazing step 4 with me. It showed me the victimization and also showed me how to take responsibility and no longer be a victim.

There is no doubt that you have a tough road ahead of you, but there is hope and help. We are all here to support you.

Hugs,
MG

silverlilies

Hello again Abi, I read your private reply and thank you for your kind words as well! I hope you don't mind I am responding on the board, but because I am new here I think it's important I connect with others too and don't know how often I will post. I will share pieces of my story if it might help?

Like you, I am not dependent on alcohol or drugs, though I certainly indulged in younger years! My introduction to the steps came through family sessions for my brothers. This connnected me to a local Adult Children of Alcohols group, which in turn provided the support I needed to enter individual counseling, where I was able to begin working on my own childhood and marital issues. I would (almost) like to tell you the day came when the struggle was over, and that I sit here tonight totally "healed." But . . . 1) it wouldn't be true. . . and 2) each step forward is a reward unto itself. That "breakthrough" feeling makes each step worthwhile. Hopefully one day soon I will have time to really browse the message boards, and get to know you and others better. I can tell you very honestly, I very much like the person I've found inside . . . who I am, as well as who I am becoming. The road to recovery is worth the effort. . . I hope you enjoy your journey as much as I enjoy mine.

Hangin' In

Abi,

Welcome to this board. I certainly don't have a wealth of knowledge or wisdom for I am just starting down this road, also, but I wanted you to know that we all learn from each other here.

So feel free to post, comment and VENT if you have to. Folks here are all in the same boat and it's a great feeling to come here and read of those who have and ARE making it.

WE CAN DO IT, TOO!

Hang in there, gal....