~heather~

This is my first post here. I need help. I am 30 years old and my mother is an alcoholic. She has been since I was a teenager. Her problem has effected my life in such a huge, negative way.

Her drinking reached it's low last year. She got her second DUI and I had to bail her out. (My role in the family is to clean up the messes and take care of everyone.) She had to do ten days in jail. She has the bright orange DUI license plates which come off at the end of this month. She had to go to AA and to LAPP.

She told me that jail scared her. She told me that she was sober. She said she loves LAPP. I really believed she was sober. Silly me.

Last week I went to her house and she was pretty drunk. I asked my nephew (who lives with her) if she had been drinking and he said yes. I asked if she had been doing that a lot again and he said yes. My sister called me (who also lives with her) and I asked her about it. She told me that my mom had a black eye from falling. She falls a lot when she's drunk.

I don't want to see her like this any more. I don't want to sit and watch her kill herself. I've begged and pleaded for her to get help. I've threatened to disown her. I've cried with her and yelled at her.

She has quit going to LAPP because she completed the court order. I also noticed that she has lost a lot of weight and looks bad!

I am so confused. I know it's a disease. I understand addiction to a certain extent. I'm dealing with my own nicotine addiction (I quit 49 days ago) so I do know how hard it is to beat an addiction. I know how it controls your life. But I can't help but feel disappointed in her. I feel let down. I feel like I don't even love her anymore.

Please tell me I'm not alone. Please tell me what I'm feeling is normal. Please help me.

Pick-a-name

Sorry about your problems.....not much I can offer. Going to bed; my A/H is divorcing me in the morning over this issue......

Loved you Buckeye pixs, though. A/h and I are both OSU grads...we met there. Too bad the game didn't end just a little sooner.

nocellphone

Welcome to SR, heather...


There's nothing silly about wanting to believe our loved ones are on the path to recovery from the deadly disease of alcoholism. I think it's only natural to want that to be their reality. If only they wanted that as badly as we did sometimes...

I've been there as well, as I'm sure millions of others have. I was literally and figuratively banging my head against the wall, but I was the one who ended up with the headache. In Al-Anon, I learned the 3 C's : I didn't cause the disease. I can't cure it. I can't control it. I have, however, learned to cope with it.

I'm not sure what LAPP is, but my mom quit going to counseling and NA meetings after meeting the court's requirements, too. Sometimes they "get it", sometimes not. As others have said, recovery is for those who want it, not for those who need it. Recovery requires effort on the part of the individual who suffers.

My guess is that you do still love her. Fear and anger can make that emotion hard to access sometimes. Love can feel vulnerable, while anger feels safe.

You're not alone.

What you're feeling is perfectly appropriate to the situation.

Help is available. Hope is, too. I would suggest this site, but more importantly I would encourage you to attend Al-Anon as soon as you possibly can. It's a lifesaver and a sanity restorer for those of us with the problem of alcoholism in a loved one.

I wish you peace...

walkingtheline

What you're feeling is normal, I hope, because I'd bet most everyone here has felt the same feelings whether it's a child, a boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, mother father, friend, etc.

We know it's a disease. We know it's killing someone we love. We know they often lie to us, manipulate us, and quite often become abusive to us or themselves or both.

I urge you to consider alanon. Read all you can. Hang out with us. You'll learn that you can not change your mom. You can only change you and how you deal with your mom.

I'm sure more will be along to answer you but please know, you are NOT alone.

And WELCOME.

meli2005

We ALL understand what you feel. You want so bad for the person to get better, but it is up to them. Wish we could control them and all, but we can't. REmember the 3 C's. Noticed another poster mentioned them.


You need to not take responsibility for her problems. By doing so, you are enabling her and she is not feeling the full effects of her drinking, etc. She needs to see the pain she causes and feel consequences. A good book for you to read would be "Codependent NO More". Also Alanon would be a good group for you.

Keep coming back.

FriendofBill

You are NOT alone, everything you said you feel IS normal, and Im glad you found us. We are here to support and love you.

By now, you probably know that your "role" is nothing you wanted or asked for. So, you get tomake the decision to let that role go. You have free will to make a choice to enable or not enable alcoholism. Bailing her out of jail, cleaning up her messes is enabling and it kills alcoholics.

I urge you to get to al-anon meetings. They will change your life for the better. You have been affected by a disease that invades and kills families and you need help andhope. We offer that. Hope to see you there!

RB1525

Amen.

And we know its up to us to decide if we want any part of that to continue in our lives. Now if I could just convince myself the answer is as easy as it seems.

lisa1211

I know exactly what you are feeling. My mom is also an alcoholic and I thought she was staying sober. I found out recently from regular blood work at her doctor that she had been drinking again for about six months. I was devastated and then it got worse. A week later she started having very bad leg cramps and difficulty walking. The symptoms continued to worsen and by this past Sunday she had developed severe jaundice. I took her to the doctor today and was told she had excessive amounts of fluid in her abdimon and that it was a pretty good indicator that cirrhosis had set in. She is in extreme pain and I can't help her. All I can do is wait for the results of her ultrasound and hope it's not too late to save her. I know how frustrating it can be to watch someone you love slowly kill themselves, but don't give up. Stay involved as much as you can and keep on pushing her to get help. I know it's hard but it beats wondering if you could have done more and didn't. Hang in there and stay strong. Best of luck.

FormerDoormat

The sooner you learn how to stop enabling your mom, the sooner she'll reach her bottom and the sooner she'll get sober. By bailing her out of jail and cleaning up all her messes, you're just prolonging that process. Alanon will help you realize what you're doing that enables her to drink and how to break the cycle.

And the folks at SoberRecovery will be here for you every step of the way. Welcome.

~heather~

Thanks for all the great replies. I'm worried about something else. I noticed when I saw her last week that she has lost a lot of weight. She mentioned the weight loss to me before, but laughed it off as "Of course I've lost weight, I quit drinking beer." Well, now I know that's not true. Any ideas as to what the weight loss could be caused by? Also, just so you know a little bit of her history, she had breast cancer a couple years ago. It was removed and she did radiation (not chemo). Also, she smokes a lot! She's a chain smoker.

I'm worried about her health with her smoking/cancer/horrible diet/drinking. I don't know if I should be very concerned about the weight loss.

Thanks again for all the great replies!

FormerDoormat

When my now ex-AB suddenly lost a lot of weight (70 lbs. in a matter of months), I suspected diabetes, which is common in alcoholics since the alcohol takes a toll on one's pancreas. It was confirmed by the doctor and he now takes daily insulin injections. However, the doctors have been unable to get his diabetes under control, since he is still actively drinking (alcohol and insulin don't mix).

Other symptoms he displayed was constant thirst, frequent urination, and fruity smelling breath.

minnie

It could also be that she has replaced food with cigs and booze. Or any number of reasons, including diabetes like FD said. It's very common in alcoholics.

Have you checked out al-anon?

steve11694

PLEASE get the book "Love First" by Jeff Jay


i just read it, many times. helps a great deal to understand and cope. it also thoroughly explains intervention and how it is done. i am not saying what is right for you but dont hurt to explore all options