So much resentment towards recovering AH
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Troy, MI
Posts: 29
So much resentment towards recovering AH
My AH has been clean and sober for a little over a year now and hasn't given me any reason to believe otherwise. He's back to being the charming man I fell in love with and I think he's really trying to please me so why do I find myself making catty remarks to get under his skin?
Today was a prime example of my behavior. I ran AH up to the dealership to pick up his truck from service and after dropping him off he very sweetly asked what my plans were and I told him that I was going to grab some steaks for the grill. He asked if I wanted him to pick up dog food on his way home and I told him that I would just grab it since I would be at Costco anyway. When I got home, AH was doing yard work so I went ahead and started emptying the truck and decided I would take the dog food into the garage first. Now this is a 52# bag of dog food and I weigh a whopping 110 so it was a struggle. Once AH realized what was going on he came over and offered to take over and I snapped at him and then continued to verbally attack him with snide remarks. I even made a remark about the woman he cheated on me with before we were married - over 20 years ago. Why on earth would I bring this up? I then went on and on about how much he has hurt me over the years and made sure I mentioned all the gory details. I have to say AH handled it quite well and just walked away and went down into the basement. At that point I left him alone. I don't know why I got so upset. I certainly could have asked him to carry in the dog food and he would have been happy to do it. But I just had to prove that I'm superwoman.
This has been my behavior for the last couple of months and I hate that I do this. I know this can't be good for his recovery or mine. My therapist seems to think that I'm either trying to force a relapse or I miss all the chaos and drama and feel the need to stir some up. Yeah. Right. I missed the chaos of living with an active A. I don't think so! I feel that I have some much resentment towards my A and don't think he should get off so easy. He quits drinking and now I'm supposed to forget all the crap I put up with over the years? It doesn't seem fair. I don't know. Maybe I expected more from him when he had to make amends or maybe I want to hurt him as much as he's hurt me.
Has anyone else gone through this? I'm so embarrassed by my behavior and really don't want to continue acting this way but how do you work through all the resentment?
Today was a prime example of my behavior. I ran AH up to the dealership to pick up his truck from service and after dropping him off he very sweetly asked what my plans were and I told him that I was going to grab some steaks for the grill. He asked if I wanted him to pick up dog food on his way home and I told him that I would just grab it since I would be at Costco anyway. When I got home, AH was doing yard work so I went ahead and started emptying the truck and decided I would take the dog food into the garage first. Now this is a 52# bag of dog food and I weigh a whopping 110 so it was a struggle. Once AH realized what was going on he came over and offered to take over and I snapped at him and then continued to verbally attack him with snide remarks. I even made a remark about the woman he cheated on me with before we were married - over 20 years ago. Why on earth would I bring this up? I then went on and on about how much he has hurt me over the years and made sure I mentioned all the gory details. I have to say AH handled it quite well and just walked away and went down into the basement. At that point I left him alone. I don't know why I got so upset. I certainly could have asked him to carry in the dog food and he would have been happy to do it. But I just had to prove that I'm superwoman.
This has been my behavior for the last couple of months and I hate that I do this. I know this can't be good for his recovery or mine. My therapist seems to think that I'm either trying to force a relapse or I miss all the chaos and drama and feel the need to stir some up. Yeah. Right. I missed the chaos of living with an active A. I don't think so! I feel that I have some much resentment towards my A and don't think he should get off so easy. He quits drinking and now I'm supposed to forget all the crap I put up with over the years? It doesn't seem fair. I don't know. Maybe I expected more from him when he had to make amends or maybe I want to hurt him as much as he's hurt me.
Has anyone else gone through this? I'm so embarrassed by my behavior and really don't want to continue acting this way but how do you work through all the resentment?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Hi marriedtoit,
I think the wanting to change the behavior/recognizing it has to come first and sounds like you've done that.
I had SO much anger against my ex H who was abusive to me for 8 years every day physically and mentally that when I FINALLY got away from him, I stayed so angry for years. I started drinking then, too. Cuz I hated him, was afraid of him and was really hurt by him. I felt that he had stripped away totally whom I was. I was a confident person when I married him and by the end of 8 years of hell,.....I was feeling the lowest about myself than I ever did.
But, my situation was different. Even though we were divorced, we still fought over the kids for a long time and that was awful, too.
I can tell you that my anger ate me alive.....literally. I acted out through my drinking and keeping people at arm's length from me. I was not a happy camper and was really a not-so-nice person to be around.
I went into therapy, quit drinking and just dug really deeply and peeled off the layers of hurt one by one. I had to learn how to forgive by understanding and then forgive myself which was the hardest of all to do.
20 years later, my ex and I aren't best of friends, but we can talk and have a decent conversation and he actually admitted and apologized for the abuse just two years ago. It took him that long. He denied it all for years. So, that was really helpful to hear him admit it and say that he was sorry.
Anger is fear. Fear is anger. It needs to be dealt with or you'll stay stagnate and in not a good place. Your anger is undestandable, but for YOUR sake....you need to work it out. Journal, go to therapy, al anon groups....join a kickboxing class. That helped me out BIG time. I could kick the crap outta the gym bag and get my frustrations out that way PLUS get into shape.
It's SO good to hear about a AH getting and staying sober! Good for him and for walking away when he could've fell back into old ways. Now, it's your turn to heal and I have every bit of confidence in ya that you will. One day at a time.
((hugs))
I think the wanting to change the behavior/recognizing it has to come first and sounds like you've done that.
I had SO much anger against my ex H who was abusive to me for 8 years every day physically and mentally that when I FINALLY got away from him, I stayed so angry for years. I started drinking then, too. Cuz I hated him, was afraid of him and was really hurt by him. I felt that he had stripped away totally whom I was. I was a confident person when I married him and by the end of 8 years of hell,.....I was feeling the lowest about myself than I ever did.
But, my situation was different. Even though we were divorced, we still fought over the kids for a long time and that was awful, too.
I can tell you that my anger ate me alive.....literally. I acted out through my drinking and keeping people at arm's length from me. I was not a happy camper and was really a not-so-nice person to be around.
I went into therapy, quit drinking and just dug really deeply and peeled off the layers of hurt one by one. I had to learn how to forgive by understanding and then forgive myself which was the hardest of all to do.
20 years later, my ex and I aren't best of friends, but we can talk and have a decent conversation and he actually admitted and apologized for the abuse just two years ago. It took him that long. He denied it all for years. So, that was really helpful to hear him admit it and say that he was sorry.
Anger is fear. Fear is anger. It needs to be dealt with or you'll stay stagnate and in not a good place. Your anger is undestandable, but for YOUR sake....you need to work it out. Journal, go to therapy, al anon groups....join a kickboxing class. That helped me out BIG time. I could kick the crap outta the gym bag and get my frustrations out that way PLUS get into shape.
It's SO good to hear about a AH getting and staying sober! Good for him and for walking away when he could've fell back into old ways. Now, it's your turn to heal and I have every bit of confidence in ya that you will. One day at a time.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I can relate to the resentment. I remember many times being sarcastic and bitter. Unfortunately, that rubbed off even moreso after ah and I had split up and he'd quit drinking. I discovered and realized to my own horror! that I'd begun to treat others ina verbally abusive way just as ah had treated me!
I can also relate somewhat to what your therapist may have been trying to tell you. Though I didn't miss the chaos, I honestly didn't know how to have a relationship without the arguements. I also was a nervous wreck as each day that passed had me on edge wondering "Is today going to be the day?" (For another binge)
I think that it's hard to carry so much anger, so much pain, fear, etc. with you, deal with the chaos for so long, and then suddenly life is supposed to change! Again, because of the A in our lives. We've always found ourselves living around them - and this is just another way in which we again change our lives to them (such as when they are in recovery)
The only advice that I can give you is to work on you. Alanon is a wonderful tool as well as finding whatever else works for you. Letting go of old wounds is a huge challange as well. Forgiveness is big as well. It's one step at a time and no one expects an overnight adjustment from you. But what I think is most important is what you expect and want from yourself. And that, my friend, is where I'd start. Focusing on you and how you feel.
I hope you keep hanging out here. You'll find so much support and understanding. We may not be able to tell you how to fix your problems, but we'll be here to cheer you on as you grow and continue on your journey through your recovery.
I can also relate somewhat to what your therapist may have been trying to tell you. Though I didn't miss the chaos, I honestly didn't know how to have a relationship without the arguements. I also was a nervous wreck as each day that passed had me on edge wondering "Is today going to be the day?" (For another binge)
I think that it's hard to carry so much anger, so much pain, fear, etc. with you, deal with the chaos for so long, and then suddenly life is supposed to change! Again, because of the A in our lives. We've always found ourselves living around them - and this is just another way in which we again change our lives to them (such as when they are in recovery)
The only advice that I can give you is to work on you. Alanon is a wonderful tool as well as finding whatever else works for you. Letting go of old wounds is a huge challange as well. Forgiveness is big as well. It's one step at a time and no one expects an overnight adjustment from you. But what I think is most important is what you expect and want from yourself. And that, my friend, is where I'd start. Focusing on you and how you feel.
I hope you keep hanging out here. You'll find so much support and understanding. We may not be able to tell you how to fix your problems, but we'll be here to cheer you on as you grow and continue on your journey through your recovery.
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Dog food... dishes in the sink... toenail clippings in the bed... breathing... all catalysts for World War III in a relationship affected by the disease of alcoholism! 
My sponsor likes to remind me that "the issue is never the issue". When m'wife and I get into it over who left which dish where as if someone just ran over someone else's puppy, I understand what my sponsor is saying: it's not about the dish; it's about the unresolved resentment one or both of us hasn't worked through.
In Al-Anon, I examined my resentments through the process of working my 4th and 5th Steps, then did what was necessary to seek their removal/reduction through more Step work. I can't say today that I am resentment-free, but I don't have a huge pile of 'em to worry about tripping over anymore.
Resentments are like explosives: they become less and less stable over time and can be easily ignited. When that happens, arms and legs come flying off... Better to discard 'em (the resentments, not the arms and legs) than to keep 'em around and risk an explosion!
An oldtimer in AA once shared this: [old man voice] "Having a resentment is like peeing in yer pants. Everyone else can see it, but yer the only one who can feel it!" [/old man voice]
My sponsor likes to remind me that "the issue is never the issue". When m'wife and I get into it over who left which dish where as if someone just ran over someone else's puppy, I understand what my sponsor is saying: it's not about the dish; it's about the unresolved resentment one or both of us hasn't worked through.
In Al-Anon, I examined my resentments through the process of working my 4th and 5th Steps, then did what was necessary to seek their removal/reduction through more Step work. I can't say today that I am resentment-free, but I don't have a huge pile of 'em to worry about tripping over anymore.
Resentments are like explosives: they become less and less stable over time and can be easily ignited. When that happens, arms and legs come flying off... Better to discard 'em (the resentments, not the arms and legs) than to keep 'em around and risk an explosion!
An oldtimer in AA once shared this: [old man voice] "Having a resentment is like peeing in yer pants. Everyone else can see it, but yer the only one who can feel it!" [/old man voice]
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((((marriedtoit))))
You sound like a person who is in pain and needs to be heard. I hear ya. What is it that you need, ask yourself what do you need? Keep listening until you get the answer. I think you need a (((hug))). Be gentle with yourself. Is it possible you are angry at yourself? You put up with a lot of stuff over the years...
I have had some pretty angry moments myself. I found it was best not to push it on to someone else and just allow myself to feel it I wrote about it and I promised myself I would try not to do the things or think the thoughts that would take me to the place where I was angry. My sponcer told me to write about every single time I was ever angry in my whole life I was amazed at how much unresolved anger I had. Emotions beg to be acknowledged and when they are not looked we can not get current. It is kind of like an old credit crd debt that you quit making payments on the intrest keeps compounding and the balance keeps going up until you pay it off
This is your life you do not have to give it away to anger....
You sound like a person who is in pain and needs to be heard. I hear ya. What is it that you need, ask yourself what do you need? Keep listening until you get the answer. I think you need a (((hug))). Be gentle with yourself. Is it possible you are angry at yourself? You put up with a lot of stuff over the years...
I have had some pretty angry moments myself. I found it was best not to push it on to someone else and just allow myself to feel it I wrote about it and I promised myself I would try not to do the things or think the thoughts that would take me to the place where I was angry. My sponcer told me to write about every single time I was ever angry in my whole life I was amazed at how much unresolved anger I had. Emotions beg to be acknowledged and when they are not looked we can not get current. It is kind of like an old credit crd debt that you quit making payments on the intrest keeps compounding and the balance keeps going up until you pay it off
This is your life you do not have to give it away to anger....
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Oh hon, I can so relate to this, although the alcoholic in my life never achieved sobriety. I left him last December and I still have (?many) times where I want him to hurt as much as I have. One way that I have found to lessen that pain is to look at my part in the relationship and forgive myself for it. He behaved appallingly, however I STAYED. I have to take some of the responsibility for that. I can't change the past and neither can your hubby. And he will never understand what it's like to be the spouse of an alcoholic in the same way that you can't understand what it's like to be an alcoholic, unless you are one. You can create a new history, one day at a time, by treating each other with respect and love.
I know how painful it is. Writing helps me, so keep sharing.
I know how painful it is. Writing helps me, so keep sharing.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Man, I can certainly relate to this. There are times when I hear myself picking a fight with my husband, not for any reason in particular, mostly because I'm just feeling like I need to "vent." The worst part about it is that I go nuts when he does stuff like that to me! At some point I realized that it was a double-standard. I didn't want him lashing out at me, but I wanted to be able to lash out at him. My reason? Because of all the pain that HE caused me with his drinking! Phew, that's ugly... and it's score keeping, and in the end, everyone loses. It's my anger, my resentments, and my responsibility to deal with them in a healthy and loving manner. It's not healthy or loving for either of us when I explode and pick fights. Each fight is another brick in the wall between us. It's my choice to keep building the wall, or learn a new, better way to handle my anger and resentments. Focusing on me and my inventory certainly helps.
I want my marriage to work so I make choices that will promote it's growth, not deteriation. It's not easy, and it takes work. It takes daily forgiveness for my husband and me.
Peter approached Jesus and asked him,
“Lord, if my brother sins against me,
how often must I forgive?
As many as seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.
Matthew 18:21-22
Blessings to you,
Shannon
I want my marriage to work so I make choices that will promote it's growth, not deteriation. It's not easy, and it takes work. It takes daily forgiveness for my husband and me.
Peter approached Jesus and asked him,
“Lord, if my brother sins against me,
how often must I forgive?
As many as seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.
Matthew 18:21-22
Blessings to you,
Shannon
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Troy, MI
Posts: 29
Thanks all for the advice and hugs. I certainly need it. I have to agree that a lot of my anger is directed towards myself. I'm angry for letting him back into my life all those years ago when I had a chance to break free, for allowing him to hurt me so much and for enabling him for so many years. It's just so depressing to know that I've lost my youth, my self-esteem, my self-respect and any shred of dignity because of my A's addictions. I think I have every right to be angry but I do realize that this behavior is harmful and I have to get past this if I want to move on. Being bitter and angry isn't going to change the past.
By the way, I love the kickboxing idea. I'd probably be the star student!
By the way, I love the kickboxing idea. I'd probably be the star student!
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by marriedtoit
My AH has been clean and sober for a little over a year now and hasn't given me any reason to believe otherwise. He's back to being the charming man I fell in love with and I think he's really trying to please me so why do I find myself making catty remarks to get under his skin?
Today was a prime example of my behavior. I ran AH up to the dealership to pick up his truck from service and after dropping him off he very sweetly asked what my plans were and I told him that I was going to grab some steaks for the grill. He asked if I wanted him to pick up dog food on his way home and I told him that I would just grab it since I would be at Costco anyway. When I got home, AH was doing yard work so I went ahead and started emptying the truck and decided I would take the dog food into the garage first. Now this is a 52# bag of dog food and I weigh a whopping 110 so it was a struggle. Once AH realized what was going on he came over and offered to take over and I snapped at him and then continued to verbally attack him with snide remarks. I even made a remark about the woman he cheated on me with before we were married - over 20 years ago. Why on earth would I bring this up? I then went on and on about how much he has hurt me over the years and made sure I mentioned all the gory details. I have to say AH handled it quite well and just walked away and went down into the basement. At that point I left him alone. I don't know why I got so upset. I certainly could have asked him to carry in the dog food and he would have been happy to do it. But I just had to prove that I'm superwoman.
This has been my behavior for the last couple of months and I hate that I do this. I know this can't be good for his recovery or mine. My therapist seems to think that I'm either trying to force a relapse or I miss all the chaos and drama and feel the need to stir some up. Yeah. Right. I missed the chaos of living with an active A. I don't think so! I feel that I have some much resentment towards my A and don't think he should get off so easy. He quits drinking and now I'm supposed to forget all the crap I put up with over the years? It doesn't seem fair. I don't know. Maybe I expected more from him when he had to make amends or maybe I want to hurt him as much as he's hurt me.
Has anyone else gone through this? I'm so embarrassed by my behavior and really don't want to continue acting this way but how do you work through all the resentment?
Today was a prime example of my behavior. I ran AH up to the dealership to pick up his truck from service and after dropping him off he very sweetly asked what my plans were and I told him that I was going to grab some steaks for the grill. He asked if I wanted him to pick up dog food on his way home and I told him that I would just grab it since I would be at Costco anyway. When I got home, AH was doing yard work so I went ahead and started emptying the truck and decided I would take the dog food into the garage first. Now this is a 52# bag of dog food and I weigh a whopping 110 so it was a struggle. Once AH realized what was going on he came over and offered to take over and I snapped at him and then continued to verbally attack him with snide remarks. I even made a remark about the woman he cheated on me with before we were married - over 20 years ago. Why on earth would I bring this up? I then went on and on about how much he has hurt me over the years and made sure I mentioned all the gory details. I have to say AH handled it quite well and just walked away and went down into the basement. At that point I left him alone. I don't know why I got so upset. I certainly could have asked him to carry in the dog food and he would have been happy to do it. But I just had to prove that I'm superwoman.
This has been my behavior for the last couple of months and I hate that I do this. I know this can't be good for his recovery or mine. My therapist seems to think that I'm either trying to force a relapse or I miss all the chaos and drama and feel the need to stir some up. Yeah. Right. I missed the chaos of living with an active A. I don't think so! I feel that I have some much resentment towards my A and don't think he should get off so easy. He quits drinking and now I'm supposed to forget all the crap I put up with over the years? It doesn't seem fair. I don't know. Maybe I expected more from him when he had to make amends or maybe I want to hurt him as much as he's hurt me.
Has anyone else gone through this? I'm so embarrassed by my behavior and really don't want to continue acting this way but how do you work through all the resentment?
It is so refreshing to know that I am not crazy. Was wondering if I was the only one who loved the man to death one minute and hated his guts the next. Thanks for writing about what you are going through, I am there with you and I hate myself some days for the way I behave. But we aren't perfect either are we. We are learning.
Sad thing is it seems we have to do more work than they do to get right and we didn't do a damn thing to cause it in the first place except love them.
Hang in there, hopefully it will get better for both of us.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Another saying from al-anon:
"Holding resentments is like taking posion and epxecting the otehr person to die".
I found that just cus someone gets sober, does not mean MY resentments disappear. Takes long, hard work to resolve them. First step...start praying for HIM, that he should be happy and healthy and have all the things in life that you wish for yourself. I cll it the anti-resentment prayer.
Pray for him, yet I get the resentment lifted. It works.
Try it.
"Holding resentments is like taking posion and epxecting the otehr person to die".
I found that just cus someone gets sober, does not mean MY resentments disappear. Takes long, hard work to resolve them. First step...start praying for HIM, that he should be happy and healthy and have all the things in life that you wish for yourself. I cll it the anti-resentment prayer.
Pray for him, yet I get the resentment lifted. It works.
Try it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Originally Posted by marriedtoit
maybe I want to hurt him as much as he's hurt me.
Why else would you be heaping barbed remarks and resentment on a man who is trying to make amends for his past?
Marriedtoit, he can't change what he did.
That's long gone and unfixable.
All he can do is try to be a better man from this day forward.
Harboring resentment about what he did, and trying to make him "pay for it" isn't going to do either of you any good.
And believe me, he's paid for those mistakes in ways you may never know about.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Gabe brings up another good point. Earlier, I posted on how much anger I had, but my kids had alot of anger towards me and my drinking.
I was there physically for them in their teen years, but not mentally. I was so caught up in my own mess and drinking that all I could think of was "how do I get out of this?"
So, my kids have let me know how mad they've been at both their Dad and I. That they needed us then and we weren't there for them.
My 26 yr old son drinks once in awhile. Not alot and I keep praying that it doesn't get out of hand. That we can work on this together before that happens. So far so good, but the other night, he had gone out with a buddy and had beers. I needed to pick him up the next day to go get his car which broke down the day before about 20 miles away.
I could tell he was still intoxicated, didn't get much sleep and he started in on me (he does this only when he's had a beer or two. This is about the 2nd time he's done this in 6 years). "Mom, you have no IDEA how much what you and Dad did effected my life!" and proceeded to tell me the times in the past that I had let him down. I've known about those times and have apologized over and over again for them.
I told him that we can't go backwards. That was in the past and there's nothing that I can do about it today EXCEPT for say I'm sorry that you're hurting and I love you and I'm here for you and together we can work on an even healthier relationship between the two of us TODAY and every day forward. That I can't still get "beat up" for things I made mistakes about 15 years ago. That I've changed so much (and he said "Yeah, you really have, Mom! I'm proud of you") and I wanna be there for him and my daughter both from here on out.
Nobody kicked myself in the butt more than I did for the things I did while drinking. I was my worst enemy and paid for that unbelievably. I've since forgiven myself, which took awhile and I can't still get "punished" for them. I told my son that he needs to work on that himself and get passed that. That I can't do that for him, but I'll help him, if he wants me to.
Your RAH , Marriedtoit, probably carries alot of "if I only would've......I shouldn't of done that....why couldn't I have....?". He probably carries that around daily. I know that I do somewhat. It's been 11 years, but there are days when it still haunts me.
Communication is the key to working through all problems big and small.
You'll do it!
I was there physically for them in their teen years, but not mentally. I was so caught up in my own mess and drinking that all I could think of was "how do I get out of this?"
So, my kids have let me know how mad they've been at both their Dad and I. That they needed us then and we weren't there for them.
My 26 yr old son drinks once in awhile. Not alot and I keep praying that it doesn't get out of hand. That we can work on this together before that happens. So far so good, but the other night, he had gone out with a buddy and had beers. I needed to pick him up the next day to go get his car which broke down the day before about 20 miles away.
I could tell he was still intoxicated, didn't get much sleep and he started in on me (he does this only when he's had a beer or two. This is about the 2nd time he's done this in 6 years). "Mom, you have no IDEA how much what you and Dad did effected my life!" and proceeded to tell me the times in the past that I had let him down. I've known about those times and have apologized over and over again for them.
I told him that we can't go backwards. That was in the past and there's nothing that I can do about it today EXCEPT for say I'm sorry that you're hurting and I love you and I'm here for you and together we can work on an even healthier relationship between the two of us TODAY and every day forward. That I can't still get "beat up" for things I made mistakes about 15 years ago. That I've changed so much (and he said "Yeah, you really have, Mom! I'm proud of you") and I wanna be there for him and my daughter both from here on out.
Nobody kicked myself in the butt more than I did for the things I did while drinking. I was my worst enemy and paid for that unbelievably. I've since forgiven myself, which took awhile and I can't still get "punished" for them. I told my son that he needs to work on that himself and get passed that. That I can't do that for him, but I'll help him, if he wants me to.
Your RAH , Marriedtoit, probably carries alot of "if I only would've......I shouldn't of done that....why couldn't I have....?". He probably carries that around daily. I know that I do somewhat. It's been 11 years, but there are days when it still haunts me.
Communication is the key to working through all problems big and small.
You'll do it!
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by Gabe
Now there's a thought.
And believe me, he's paid for those mistakes in ways you may never know about.
And believe me, he's paid for those mistakes in ways you may never know about.
EXPLAIN THIS STATEMENT TO ME. HOW DO THEY PAY IN WAYS WE NEVER KNOW?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Troy, MI
Posts: 29
Gabe,
I understand what you're saying in that the past is unfixable but I don't think my AH has paid for what he's done to me. A big part of the problem is that I don't think he feels remorse or guilt. Whenever I try to discuss my feelings with him, he shuts me out and doesn't want to talk to me. He just makes a comment about my bringing up the past and that I should be happy he's no longer drinking. I think if he were truly sorry for the things he's done in the past, he would tell me and he would show me. Not just sweep it under the rug like it never happened.
I understand what you're saying in that the past is unfixable but I don't think my AH has paid for what he's done to me. A big part of the problem is that I don't think he feels remorse or guilt. Whenever I try to discuss my feelings with him, he shuts me out and doesn't want to talk to me. He just makes a comment about my bringing up the past and that I should be happy he's no longer drinking. I think if he were truly sorry for the things he's done in the past, he would tell me and he would show me. Not just sweep it under the rug like it never happened.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Could be just a man thing too, they seem to not want to talk emotions or feelings.???
This seems a common complaint on here.
I studied the male brain vs female brain. Helped with acceptance for me.
Wonder if info on net about the diff, I shall check.
Take care
This seems a common complaint on here.
I studied the male brain vs female brain. Helped with acceptance for me.
Wonder if info on net about the diff, I shall check.
Take care
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
I feel like part of the problem for a recovered alcoholic working the steps is the 'making amends' I think this is for the alcoholic only; It does little for the one wronged -often theyhave suffered many many years of abuse and cheating and hurt. The alcoholic goes thru the amend step and says they are sorry. and hey the burden is lifted for the 12 stepper. all wrongs are swept away and it is a new day. This definitly helps the alcoholic feel better about himself and helps him stay sober. The one on the receiving end of all the wrongs may well not feel this way- "sorry is not enough somtimes' too much water under the bridge. How many alcohloics have said to the one he wishes to make amends too- what kind of amends do you want? Hey he might end of with an endless job jar. So ther anger continues- I know that well.
Having said that I did not have a problem with forgiving my husband's alcoholic be havior- probably because he did not cheat while drinking, did not get a dwi and was never really abusive. he was just reliable to be unreliable. I did wonder- now where the heck are those amends??????
Well then I guess when I found out about his long time affair - while sober - in AA while an AA woman. He was surprised that sorry didn't cut it this time.And his anemic amends were not enough. Not to mention he dienied much until Dax the Pi uncovered all that was denied- took 5 years. Now with proof of sex and tossed out on his butt for awhile, he is doing more in the way of trying to show he loves me. Only time will tell if it is too little , too late. Just my opinion- not an general assault . dax
Having said that I did not have a problem with forgiving my husband's alcoholic be havior- probably because he did not cheat while drinking, did not get a dwi and was never really abusive. he was just reliable to be unreliable. I did wonder- now where the heck are those amends??????
Well then I guess when I found out about his long time affair - while sober - in AA while an AA woman. He was surprised that sorry didn't cut it this time.And his anemic amends were not enough. Not to mention he dienied much until Dax the Pi uncovered all that was denied- took 5 years. Now with proof of sex and tossed out on his butt for awhile, he is doing more in the way of trying to show he loves me. Only time will tell if it is too little , too late. Just my opinion- not an general assault . dax
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by marriedtoit
Gabe,
I understand what you're saying in that the past is unfixable but I don't think my AH has paid for what he's done to me. A big part of the problem is that I don't think he feels remorse or guilt. Whenever I try to discuss my feelings with him, he shuts me out and doesn't want to talk to me. He just makes a comment about my bringing up the past and that I should be happy he's no longer drinking. I think if he were truly sorry for the things he's done in the past, he would tell me and he would show me. Not just sweep it under the rug like it never happened.
I understand what you're saying in that the past is unfixable but I don't think my AH has paid for what he's done to me. A big part of the problem is that I don't think he feels remorse or guilt. Whenever I try to discuss my feelings with him, he shuts me out and doesn't want to talk to me. He just makes a comment about my bringing up the past and that I should be happy he's no longer drinking. I think if he were truly sorry for the things he's done in the past, he would tell me and he would show me. Not just sweep it under the rug like it never happened.
Boy do I hear you. I think your married to my husbands CLONE!
I feel the exact same way you do.
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Originally Posted by dax
The alcoholic goes thru the amend step and says they are sorry. and hey the burden is lifted for the 12 stepper...
I'm not an alcoholic and am not a member of AA, but I work the same 12 Steps in Al-Anon because I have been affected by others' alcoholism to the point that I exhibit the same unsavory traits as the alcoholic. I have hurt people in the past and, for me as well as them, "I'm sorry..." just ain't gonna cut it.
Originally Posted by dax
How many alcohloics have said to the one he wishes to make amends too- what kind of amends do you want?
The method of making amends that I was taught in Al-Anon does involve asking the person I've hurt what I can do to make amends to them, if they're even willing to accept my amends. For me, this is a humbling experience and can be pretty scary. It's not as scary, however, as the prospect of spending my life alone because I've alienated everyone I know through my alcoholism-inspired behavior...
I've learned that, if I continue to examine my behavior and amend what needs fixin', over time my behavior changes for the better and I run less of a risk of repeating the behavioral mistakes I've made in the past. Then, everybody's life improves!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Originally Posted by marriedtoit
I understand what you're saying in that the past is unfixable but I don't think my AH has paid for what he's done to me. A big part of the problem is that I don't think he feels remorse or guilt. Whenever I try to discuss my feelings with him, he shuts me out and doesn't want to talk to me. He just makes a comment about my bringing up the past and that I should be happy he's no longer drinking. I think if he were truly sorry for the things he's done in the past, he would tell me and he would show me. Not just sweep it under the rug like it never happened.
I can't speak for your husband.
And I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid.
Isn't living a sober life "showing you" that he's trying to make amends?
And let me ask you this, would an apology really make the hurt you feel all better?
If so, I'm sorry that you haven't gotten it.
All I was trying to say in my previous post is that living in our past wounds generally doesn't do us any good.
Harley,
Alcoholics and addicts carry around a lot of hurt in their hearts.
Just because we don't hear about it doesn't mean it isn't there.
That's what I meant about paying for it in ways we may never know.
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by Gabe
Marriedtoit,
I can't speak for your husband.
And I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid.
Isn't living a sober life "showing you" that he's trying to make amends?
And let me ask you this, would an apology really make the hurt you feel all better?
If so, I'm sorry that you haven't gotten it.
All I was trying to say in my previous post is that living in our past wounds generally doesn't do us any good.
Harley,
Alcoholics and addicts carry around a lot of hurt in their hearts.
Just because we don't hear about it doesn't mean it isn't there.
That's what I meant about paying for it in ways we may never know.
I can't speak for your husband.
And I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid.
Isn't living a sober life "showing you" that he's trying to make amends?
And let me ask you this, would an apology really make the hurt you feel all better?
If so, I'm sorry that you haven't gotten it.
All I was trying to say in my previous post is that living in our past wounds generally doesn't do us any good.
Harley,
Alcoholics and addicts carry around a lot of hurt in their hearts.
Just because we don't hear about it doesn't mean it isn't there.
That's what I meant about paying for it in ways we may never know.
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