Well...THIS IS RECOVERY???
Keep On Keepin' On....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Alberta
Posts: 41
Well...THIS IS RECOVERY???
I am out of the hospital now, after my husband sprung me last night at the urging of my sponser. When I got home, I im'd her and she was being really funny, giving me one word responses to everything. I'd say something, and all I'd get back was "k" over and over again. Finally she told me that she had decided that she was not able to spend more than 1/2 hour a day with me. I got upset, and just went to my room. So my husband got online with her, because he wanted to know what the hell had happened. She apparently told him that she was tired of being my "dumping ground". So Kurt said, "Fine. Don't worry about it then, I'll take care of her." And she was great with that.
So, basically, the way I read it, I'm bringing her down in her recovery and I'm a lot more trouble than I'm worth. My husband, who was stupid enough to marry me and stick by me, should be the only one that has to be subjected to my sick thinking.
Fine. Obviously, I'm not going to trouble her again with my problems. I feel very alone and unloved today. Thank God for my Kurt, who is still here...
I don't think that AA is going to work for me...I used to. BUT I'm not reaching out like that again. Apparently when I do that, I only bring people down.
Michelle.
So, basically, the way I read it, I'm bringing her down in her recovery and I'm a lot more trouble than I'm worth. My husband, who was stupid enough to marry me and stick by me, should be the only one that has to be subjected to my sick thinking.
Fine. Obviously, I'm not going to trouble her again with my problems. I feel very alone and unloved today. Thank God for my Kurt, who is still here...
I don't think that AA is going to work for me...I used to. BUT I'm not reaching out like that again. Apparently when I do that, I only bring people down.
Michelle.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
Michelle, Your old sponsor is just one person. What she does, or does not do, has nothing to do with others.
Most sponsors work the program like they were shown. We are all different.
Do you want to be like that? Does she have anything you want?
LOL, hopefully not. Then, it's really a blessing. Move on. Find someone new. Sounds like the best thing that could happen.
It has been my experience, I grow the most from the difficult times, not the easy times.
Go ahead, do it, reach out!
Oh, lol, and GLAD your are out and back!!!!!
Tom
Most sponsors work the program like they were shown. We are all different.
Do you want to be like that? Does she have anything you want?
LOL, hopefully not. Then, it's really a blessing. Move on. Find someone new. Sounds like the best thing that could happen.
It has been my experience, I grow the most from the difficult times, not the easy times.
Go ahead, do it, reach out!
Oh, lol, and GLAD your are out and back!!!!!
Tom
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Kansas
Posts: 2
HI sweetie, don't give up !!
Your more important than you know, your husband is a testament to that !! Ther is a book called "you cant afford the luxury of a negative thought" you can probably pick it up used on amazon for 3-5 dollars. It's a great read. It taught me that negatives in our lives compound each other.
Good luck, keep your head up !!!!!!!!
Good luck, keep your head up !!!!!!!!
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
She is one person, say a prayer for her. And if you don't want to use AA then don't. but find some kind of support to help you.
Remember we are all human beings and we make mistakes, we do things that hurt others, what your sponsor did hurt you and I am sorry for that. But do not let it affect your sobriety, do not take what someone else did for their own reasons personal.
Remember - WHAT SOMEONE THINKS OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS!!!
One more thing...it is not AA that didn't work for you, it is that one person. But there are many other ways to stay sober other than AA. Just find what works for you....cause the most important thing is for you to stay sober.
Remember we are all human beings and we make mistakes, we do things that hurt others, what your sponsor did hurt you and I am sorry for that. But do not let it affect your sobriety, do not take what someone else did for their own reasons personal.
Remember - WHAT SOMEONE THINKS OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS!!!
One more thing...it is not AA that didn't work for you, it is that one person. But there are many other ways to stay sober other than AA. Just find what works for you....cause the most important thing is for you to stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 763
Hi Michelle,
Sounds like you have a terrific husband! As for your sponsor, and AA: AA is made up of millions of people, very few of whom are professionals at helping others. Being a sponsor is a substantial undertaking that can be overwhelming, so it is a good thing to have many people to rely on and that is what going to lots of meetings are about.
When I first went to AA, I spent a fair amount of time being pi$$ed off that no one came over to talk to me. It didn't occur to me for the longest time that they had no way of knowing the deep trouble I was in unless I talked about it. You MUST be selfish about this and seek as much help as possible, wherever possible. I would suggest as many AA meetings as you can attend, letting people get to know you; in a short while you will have an amazing community of help, not just one or two people.
And there are other recovery groups. SMARTRecovery.org is one, and right here on SR is where I have gotten some of the most important support.
You are worth it,
Gianna
Sounds like you have a terrific husband! As for your sponsor, and AA: AA is made up of millions of people, very few of whom are professionals at helping others. Being a sponsor is a substantial undertaking that can be overwhelming, so it is a good thing to have many people to rely on and that is what going to lots of meetings are about.
When I first went to AA, I spent a fair amount of time being pi$$ed off that no one came over to talk to me. It didn't occur to me for the longest time that they had no way of knowing the deep trouble I was in unless I talked about it. You MUST be selfish about this and seek as much help as possible, wherever possible. I would suggest as many AA meetings as you can attend, letting people get to know you; in a short while you will have an amazing community of help, not just one or two people.
And there are other recovery groups. SMARTRecovery.org is one, and right here on SR is where I have gotten some of the most important support.
You are worth it,
Gianna
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hi Michelle, glad to hear you are home and doing better.
I would hate to be "responsible" for someone elses success or failure at recovery. Whether it was my sponsee or my spouse, thinking that I might responsible for someone using or dying or living would make me really insane.
My sponsor never TELLS me what to do... she suggests readings that might be helpful... she shares her own experience in a particular area and sometimes has suggested that I contact another member (who she has permission from) who may have specific experience that she can share with me... and she often shares about prayer and 'giving up' to her Higher Power and what it looks like in her life when she believes her HP is working. She is not available 24/7 and made that clear from the beginning. She will always answer my calls and emails - when she can. She works hard at keeping balance in HER life, which is a good example for me.
People fire sponsors and sponsors "fire" sponsees.... sometimes it is mutual. I don't believe it is a bad reflection on the 12-step program - the idea that you can 'outgrow' a sponsor sounds sort of "flexible" to me. If you are ready for a new sponsor, then now may be the time. I presume you can't get to many meetings - especially since you have been in the hospital, but perhaps you can increase the number of online meetings you attend and find another sponsor.
I wish you the best.
I would hate to be "responsible" for someone elses success or failure at recovery. Whether it was my sponsee or my spouse, thinking that I might responsible for someone using or dying or living would make me really insane.
My sponsor never TELLS me what to do... she suggests readings that might be helpful... she shares her own experience in a particular area and sometimes has suggested that I contact another member (who she has permission from) who may have specific experience that she can share with me... and she often shares about prayer and 'giving up' to her Higher Power and what it looks like in her life when she believes her HP is working. She is not available 24/7 and made that clear from the beginning. She will always answer my calls and emails - when she can. She works hard at keeping balance in HER life, which is a good example for me.
People fire sponsors and sponsors "fire" sponsees.... sometimes it is mutual. I don't believe it is a bad reflection on the 12-step program - the idea that you can 'outgrow' a sponsor sounds sort of "flexible" to me. If you are ready for a new sponsor, then now may be the time. I presume you can't get to many meetings - especially since you have been in the hospital, but perhaps you can increase the number of online meetings you attend and find another sponsor.
I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London
Posts: 501
there are plenty of good, supportive, interesting people in AA.
With my sponser who hardly ever talked about recovery - more literature, politics, had a laugh, music. we became friends.
we done the steps together, but I cant ever remember him saying: get to a meeting, read the book etc.
also, chosing someone with not just "AA experience" but life experience. someone who can differenterate between the two. Someone who is wise because they are a human being is what I looked for. Other wise, for me, I might as well just read the big book.
With my sponser who hardly ever talked about recovery - more literature, politics, had a laugh, music. we became friends.
we done the steps together, but I cant ever remember him saying: get to a meeting, read the book etc.
also, chosing someone with not just "AA experience" but life experience. someone who can differenterate between the two. Someone who is wise because they are a human being is what I looked for. Other wise, for me, I might as well just read the big book.
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Originally Posted by Michelle37
So, basically, the way I read it, I'm bringing her down in her recovery and I'm a lot more trouble than I'm worth.
Originally Posted by Michelle37
My husband, who was stupid enough to marry me and stick by me
Originally Posted by Michelle37
I feel very alone and unloved today.
Originally Posted by Michelle37
I don't think that AA is going to work for me...I used to. BUT I'm not reaching out like that again. Apparently when I do that, I only bring people down.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: midwest
Posts: 148
I am sorry for your poor experience. We are here for you though, and you have your wonderful Kurt. Think about how much better you feel now. I am so happy for you, don't let this person derail you. Enjoy your sober life.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Honestly I think 1/2 hour a day is quite generous. I didn't spend every day with my sponosor never have as I couldn't see placing such a burden on an individual for being made to feel they were responsible for me. Sponsors are there to listen when yo need to vent or are hurting for a drink and help you through the steps.. I think anything more is unfair and we all know where expectations leads. Despite the experience it's not the program see if someone else would work...and keep in mind we're imperfect beings.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Ditto Chy... 
I spomsor using the free AA pamplet...
"Questions and Answers on Spomsorship"
I am a mentor for Step work...Period.
I suggest you use a support circle of friends to
share feelings with.
I found mine in AA.
I spomsor using the free AA pamplet...
"Questions and Answers on Spomsorship"
I am a mentor for Step work...Period.
I suggest you use a support circle of friends to
share feelings with.
I found mine in AA.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 307
Hi Michelle37,
Don't let a bad experience with a sponsor sour you on AA. I think that the program can be very helpful as long as we take the bitter with the better and don't let one or two bad experiences obscure the overall good. I had a bad experience myself with my first sponsor and had to let him go. I am currently looking for a new one. I think it is pretty easy for us to expect too much from a sponsor and in the future I will be looking for help with the steps and not expecting anything other than that. I'll look to friends in the program for the rest of the support that I need.
Hang in there. It is tough, but oh so worth it.
Jup.
Don't let a bad experience with a sponsor sour you on AA. I think that the program can be very helpful as long as we take the bitter with the better and don't let one or two bad experiences obscure the overall good. I had a bad experience myself with my first sponsor and had to let him go. I am currently looking for a new one. I think it is pretty easy for us to expect too much from a sponsor and in the future I will be looking for help with the steps and not expecting anything other than that. I'll look to friends in the program for the rest of the support that I need.
Hang in there. It is tough, but oh so worth it.
Jup.
In Paradise!
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Pair-O-Dice, CA
Posts: 432
I dont get it, You did ask this person to be your sponsor right? So obviously you thought enough about her to ask right? How much time does she have. The only time I have ever heard anything like this is when the sponsee is not being honest with themselves. Now before you get heated, your thread is "Well ...THIS IS RECOVERY" Drinking is but a symtom, its our stinking thinking that needs to be checked.
AA has worked for millions of people, so say you think its not for you says something in itself.
I dont get this board at all, all warm and fuzzy. Life is not warm and fuzzy MOST of the time we choose to see things differently after we are humbled at something we have no control over. Personal opinion.
Michelle37, Remember the AA mantra Honesty, openmindedness (SP?), and willingness.
Sponsors can only "Suggest" thing that have worked for them, but when a suggestion is made and you dont take it. Something happens in that decision I as a sponsor can only say learn from that, and mose forward. But I will not spend time on explaining why it happened. Some people just are'nt ready to get clean, honest, willing etc..
Recovery has to be extremely appealing to want it as bad you would like to drink or drug. Sh*t happens move forward in the solution not the problem. AA sounds like just the place you need to be. Some days are better then others but dont give up 5 minutes before the miracle. Get another sponsor, if the same thing happens get another one. AA is there to help. Just dont drink and you wont get drunk.
10 out of 10 people die! don't take life so seriously. Tomorrow is another day!
OK, off my soap box now....
ciao4now
GB
AA has worked for millions of people, so say you think its not for you says something in itself.
I dont get this board at all, all warm and fuzzy. Life is not warm and fuzzy MOST of the time we choose to see things differently after we are humbled at something we have no control over. Personal opinion.
Michelle37, Remember the AA mantra Honesty, openmindedness (SP?), and willingness.
Sponsors can only "Suggest" thing that have worked for them, but when a suggestion is made and you dont take it. Something happens in that decision I as a sponsor can only say learn from that, and mose forward. But I will not spend time on explaining why it happened. Some people just are'nt ready to get clean, honest, willing etc..
Recovery has to be extremely appealing to want it as bad you would like to drink or drug. Sh*t happens move forward in the solution not the problem. AA sounds like just the place you need to be. Some days are better then others but dont give up 5 minutes before the miracle. Get another sponsor, if the same thing happens get another one. AA is there to help. Just dont drink and you wont get drunk.
10 out of 10 people die! don't take life so seriously. Tomorrow is another day!
OK, off my soap box now....
ciao4now
GB
Keep On Keepin' On....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Alberta
Posts: 41
Michelle is doing fine. She had a long talk with someone with 24yrs sobriety, and that seems to have done well in screwing her head back on. Unfortunately, she is stuck talking in the third person at the moment.
But honestly, guys...yesterday was a stinky day. And thank God, because that's how I know today is a better day!
As far as AA goes...well...my old sponser wasn't AA in it's entiriety. She was a member of this group...there are others. Many others...and I have been fortunate enough to find one willing to help me in my recovery, that I am comfortable with. I was on la pity pot yesterday...today, I am grateful and tired.
So, I'm going to lay down for a nap and rest me bones now! I'll still be grateful when I wake up.
Thanks All!
Michelle.
But honestly, guys...yesterday was a stinky day. And thank God, because that's how I know today is a better day!
As far as AA goes...well...my old sponser wasn't AA in it's entiriety. She was a member of this group...there are others. Many others...and I have been fortunate enough to find one willing to help me in my recovery, that I am comfortable with. I was on la pity pot yesterday...today, I am grateful and tired.
So, I'm going to lay down for a nap and rest me bones now! I'll still be grateful when I wake up.
Thanks All!
Michelle.
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