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Old 11-23-2002, 09:02 AM
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I'm new

I am new to this board, but have been reading it recently. Myself and my family organized an intervention with my "A." We are separated and I told him he could not come home until he got sober. He has opted for counseling only, but no alcohol treatment.
I have been working on getting my life back on track, not buying in to guilt trips, etc. This seems to infuriate him a great deal, and he has become uglier and uglier to talk to. He does a thing that therapist call "passive-agressive payback." Recently he "set me up" to find out that he had spent the night with another woman. He tells me he is "not sorry he socialized" and that I can rest assured that he didn't "cheat on me."
I feel devastated and angry. I was unable to sleep for two days straight. I can't seem to think of anything else. I keep calling him and trying to make him feel bad. I want a divorce, but am afraid of what he'll do to me. I also feel embarrassed to be divorcing a man I've only been married to for 9 months (we have been together 5 years). I kidded myself that "he had changed" and our lives would be that "loving fantasy" I have always dreamed about. He still believes we can "work this out." I don't want to anymore.
Help!!!!!
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Old 11-23-2002, 09:20 AM
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ATG -

First let me welcome you to the forum. Second, let me tell you that you are not alone, there are several women here on the boards, that are going through or have gone through what you are.

Have you considered Alanon? I am an A in recovery and 12 step meetings played a part in saving my life. The support of the group is amazing. Please consider it if you have not already.

Do not let someone rule you by guilt, take it from an A, that is our main sourse of maniupulation.

Take care of yourself and keep posting. More people will be along soon to guide you on the path they have already taken.
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Old 11-23-2002, 03:46 PM
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Hi longtime,

Welcome to the recovery forum! If you don't want to keep working this out, you don't have to. That's a personal decision and whether you have been married to this man for 9 months or 9 years, embarassment is not a good reason to stay in a relationship. If you're afraid of him, call a spouse abuse hotline in your area and get their advice.

I second Pauline's suggestion that you get to an alanon meeting. I don't know what you're trying to accomplish when you call him and, as you say, try to make him feel bad, but you can't manipulate him into cleaning up. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

The first thing is to make sure you're safe.

Keep posting!
Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 11-23-2002, 05:40 PM
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Alongtimegone

I also want to welcome you and just say ditto to the above advice.

Going to meeting will give you the chance to get your balance back, and if you choose to leave him, as you indicate is your wish right now, put the safety net in place and make a plan.

And please feel free to keep coming back here as well to vent, share or just for support. We care.
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Old 11-23-2002, 07:37 PM
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Thanks

Thank you for your input. I have called about Al-Anon meetings, and will be attending one tomorrow.

As far as calling him, I guess I want him to acknowledge how deeply he has hurt me. I guess I want him to stop cheating on me, stop drinking, etc. I guess I want to control something that is way out of my hands, and I am not accepting that.

I know he is seeing her again tonight and it really hurts me. I had hoped so much that he would opt for recovery, and that when he became aware that I knew what was going on, he would give her up. Logically, I know that's not going to happen, emotionally, it is some of the deepest pain I have ever felt. I want to get away from this pain. To not have to feel it anymore. I think he is happy that I am hurting so deeply over this.

Because I am used to fixing and taking care of others, I am having a very hard time staying focused on the concept of taking care of me.

From the sounds of things, Al-Anon can help me with that.
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Old 11-23-2002, 10:56 PM
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along.........
I think some of the ladies could be refering to me. I had my A spouse removed from my home...he immediately went out and had a fling. I was shocked and furious. If you go back and read my posts you can see that...the A...became very ill he had a seizure which put him into rehab. He almost died.
Whe I kicked him out I was positive I wanted OUT! I had had it!
He has gone through rehab...and is now in another program and attends AA.
I just had to let this man go ...he would not even consider any treatment. It was a tough choice. I certainly got tons of help here. These ladies are wonderful....
I am not sorryI kicked him out...he would have never made the change...but he is so much better. He is sober...and we can talk. That alone is a shocker.
We had dinner tonight and he really wants to come back home..but I have told him it would be months till I could offer that to him...and maybe never. He is very lonely...and God only knows how this will turn out.
I certainly feel for you, because when I met my A...the red flags were all there...I knew I was in for trouble with him and drinking. But I thought I could change him. He too is all about passive agressive...his entire family is the same..he was raised on it!!!
Stick with us.....we are all here for you!
Love Kitty
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Old 11-24-2002, 02:47 AM
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A long night

My "A" just called to inform me he had been having dinner with "a married couple" though he couldn't tell me who they were.
Is this considered "quacking?" Is quacking all the lies the tell and things they say to cover or defend their behavior?

Kitty - I would be interested to know why you have not divorced your "A" yet, mainly because I am wondering why I am having such awful feelings about getting a divorce.
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Old 11-24-2002, 07:56 AM
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I am going through a very similar thing. He uses jealousy (mine) to manipulate me and I fall for it even more than with guilt. I don't sleep cause I know they're honeymooning in our bed. And I am SICK over it. So, I'll be following this closely. The sane part of me realizes that since I stopped taking care of him and he's in trouble now, on house arrest for a dui, he's just showing me that he can find someone else to take care of him, and I told him that finding a new enabler wasn't a way to get well but they are all into the happy ever after story. But if nothing else I am hard headed enough not to re-volunteer and compete to be a better enabler than she is.
And I notice as I spend time in the forums today taht what I think is MY story is really ALL ABOUT HIM.
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Old 11-24-2002, 08:25 AM
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Along,
I typed a long reply to you last night...then my pc freezed up on me! I was mad!

First of all...Welcome! Were glad you found us here. You will find a world of support.

I had many of the same thoughts you are having now. Your not alone there. My now x-A cheated on me as well, I know the pain your feeling. I think they run to someone else when they see us standing our ground with them. Keep that in mind...what I use to tell myself is that boy, I'm glad "she" can put up with him and not me. It is true, you really wish you could make them aware of how badly they have hurt you. I know that feeling as well. If they ever do feel it? I still have yet to figure that out.

Another important thing to remember is that your basically dealing with the mind of a child. They say that a person stops devolping emotionally from the first times they started drinking. That explains how emotionally "not there" they seem to be.

Your not alone...it took me a long time to leave my A finally, we were together 9 years. We also have a child together. It was the best thing I ever did. You will do what is right whatever that is, when the time is right.

Hang in there and keep coming back here!

Love ya!
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Old 11-24-2002, 08:32 AM
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jealousy

Mine has used that against me often to get me to accept or do things that I really am not ready to do. The fear is of "losing him" yet the irony is, I never really had him, and I now feel that what I have really lost is me.

Why do I see myself as less precious than he is?

I am also trying to figure out why I am jealous of a woman who would accept him in his current state. (?)

I have printed out a lot of 12 step literature and information from this site. I am so grateful it is there. I am also grateful that I have good friends and a loving family. They have all been so supportive of me.

I am working on detachment today, and seek to apply myself to getting me and my life back together. I am waking up to the fact that I have really had some denial going for me (He can't really be doing this to me, he said he loved me, we had all our beautiful plans, goals, dreams and family!)

I keep thinking if I can find the right combination of words he will stop doing what he is doing. Talk about trying to control another. Much as it hurts, I am accepting that he is doing this and is going to keep doing this. My job is to decide who I am and who I want to be in relationship to it.

I can't tell you how thankful I am that all of you are there with support and understanding. I thought that God had deserted me, I am also waking up to the fact that he/she hasn't, and all of you have helped.

Thank you
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Old 11-24-2002, 08:59 AM
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At our last al-anon meeting I was dealing with this and we focused on resentment...which I am full of.

How to get on with me and not let him off the hook. I don't like that attitude that accepts his abuse. And manipulation thro' cheating is abuse.

I just wanna YELL "WHAT WAS THAT???? Expecting me to give all to and it's worth WHAT to you?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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Old 11-24-2002, 07:00 PM
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I'm sick of my A trying to manipulate nad control me. I think he feels better if he can control me because the rest of his life is so out of control.

Sometimes I think it's easier to let him think he's winning. As long as I stay centered then I don't have to participate in his chaos.

It's hard because I always used to question myself but since I found alanon I have learned to trust my instincts.

The healthier I get, the more my ah tries to control me, the more unappealing I seem to find him. It used to be that I would get angrier and angrier, say things I didn't mean and wind up apologizing to him. I will never know how he did that. I can just be thankful that today, I don't have to buy into it because I believe in myself and my higher power.

I think I'm getting better because I often find myself wondering what it would be like to go thru life with someone who thought along the same spiritual lines as I do where before I spent an awful lot of time trying to figure out how to get my ah to see my point of view.


HH
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Old 11-24-2002, 07:19 PM
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Hi Along...
You asked me why I have not divorced my A. Well I was fired up and ready as rain before had the seizure. We were into the whole divorce proceedings. I also must mention that I was married for 20 years to another A, father of my children.
I think I am a bit of a damaged person myself, raise in a home with a step a parent who was an A too...I have some issues with getting real close to men.
Besides that...the seizure was a turning point. He asked me to help with his in house patient rehab recovery and I did...not totally willing... but I did. I saw him in a differnt light then...and we talked for the first time in years.
I am not sure if I will stay married to my A. He has to prove himself to me. This will take time and then I still know that nothing is for sure and he could relapse! I find that I go up and down how I feel about him. I DO feel jealous if I even think there could be another woman....!
I do know that I feel safe with him..he does have a very kind side to him.He has been thre for me many times when I really needed him. I still think he is attractive and charming. I also know he loves me very much. I see him working on this program like nothing he has ever done before...but it took him to hit his bottom before he changed.
I know my family will go nuts if I go back with him...but that is for me to deceide. I am tired of living my life for everyone else. Some of theior choices are not that great : )
Right now I have no interest in dating....none. I just want to get through the holidays...with peace this year.
We, all feel like fools with these guys, embarassment is our middle names......I got sick of it.. and "HE" felt my rath.
I am just going to play out this hand for a time...and see what happens...............one day at a time.

Love Kitty
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Old 11-25-2002, 04:59 AM
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dear along,
i was told a long time ago, that my primary relationship was with my husband, and my husbands primary relationship was with his doc. i did everything i could think of to preserve my marriage and he did everything he could do to protect his relationship with drugs and alcohol.
throughout our past 16 years, as we traveled together raising our combined family and sharing life's experiences, the pattern of addiction and alcoholism established itself well in our family illness.
both of our morals, values and integrety were compromized.
my husband has stepped way across any boudaries that healthy relationships hold. he has tried to be with other women many times under the influence, perhaps he was sucessful. he would leave wherever we were with anyone with more pot, more coke, more booze! he would sober up, apologize, harbor the secrets of what he could remember and pile on the guilt and shame on himself and kiss my butt till the next time.
i did for so many years think i wasm't worthy enough of a stable relationship, i would blame my behavior and change it in an attempt to hang on to him. as a result i ended up compromizing many of my morals. we both kept extending our values and principles. there was going to be no limits.
i can say i almost ended up in an affair that i didn't really want out of revenge and paybacks.
one day an event happened to me that i couldn't turn my head to. that day i decided that the pain was too much and i couldn't go on. i started to change, resisting all the way.
my husband was so typical in his ability to arouse anger and anxiety,alcoholic behaviors. i've had to relearn my own behaviors and hand him back his own. the only place i could find a pattern for positive change was in the alanon philosophy,
i guess i would say to u, u are dealing with an illness and living with all the symptoms. the quacking and manipulating, and the lies and broken values and promises are just symptoms. u will never be able to control his illness. there is hope for him that he will hit his bottom. don't follow him there! the real hope today is that u can start to get better and then things will begin to take shape in a good way for u. pain is real and forgiveness will come with time and help from god. i'm sure u didn't deserve the treatment u've gotten from husband. u don't have to let it go on. u don't have to end ur marriage. u do need a safe, loving environment to heal and get healthy. then u can decide what u want as the chaos subsides. i've found the best way to get this is to turn it all over to god, over and over agaim. trust me i know it's not easy, i always thought i had all the answers. i'll pray for u and take care of urself and keep going to alanon, and spend time with supportive friends and family and all of us.
big hugs from sugar
ps welcome to who are new. it's good to see u out there.
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Old 11-25-2002, 08:36 AM
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Today I am going to get an STD test. I am having a hard time dealing with it.
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Old 11-25-2002, 06:43 PM
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I'm sending one million hugs to you.... I was wearing your shoes not long ago... My A and I have only been married 15 months... and I was on the rode your on 6 months ago.... Your husband is sick... He is is denial... He has an addiction and he is going to do whatever it takes to keep his relationship with his drug..... He is going to make you feel guilty and he is going to tell use your guilt against you! My husband did the same exact thing to me... Calling me telling his parents and I that he was staying at some "married couples" house.... That "married couple" happened to be some of the biggest tweekers in San Diego!

Girl, I know how your feeling... Run... run to the nearest alanon/naranon meeting.... It's not your fault! You did NOT cause it, you CANNOT control it, and you CAN'T cure it... Start doing things to protect yourself from him and his drugs... He is going to eventually get tired and come back to the nest... So think about what it is your going to do when he comes around and start quacking!!!!

Set boundaries for yourself... and stick to them...as hard as it is... stick to them no matter what his excuse is for crossing them... I told my husband if he used meth again... He would have to leave! Well he is gone... He finally put himself into rehab.... Start working those steps... They saved my life... I will pray for you!!!!!! Love Clowie
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Old 11-25-2002, 08:18 PM
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What a day

Thanks so much for your input. It is a great comfort to me that others have shared similar experiences and struggles. I don't feel so alone now.
Getting the tests today (and more for tomorrow) was a cold hard dose of reality. I struggle with the anxiety of waiting for the results.
AS far as boundaries go - maybe some of you can help me. I would set them, he would break them. Then, I wouldn't set them any more in the hopes that he wouldn't use them against me. I don't have too much trouble with what my boundaries are and how to set them. The trouble I have is with reinforcing them once they have been broken. Any helpful advice?
God bless you all!
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Old 11-25-2002, 09:20 PM
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Welcome Alongtimegone,

You got a lot of great responses here! When my A & I were going thru the worst, I would have my boundaries, he would step over them, I would back them up, he would step over. Finally to the point where I don't know where he started & I ended. I guess my point being is that when we set our boundaries, we need to think long & hard about what we will live with & accept or not. I know I had gotten very good at throwing the threats around, and never following thru with them. So now I make sure that when I state something, I mean it for me. When I told him I would not stay with him if he was actively using, this time I meant it, and he knew it. Because I would not live that way again. My sponsor had told me, when you say it when all is calm & you mean what you say, they know it.

Al-Anon has really helped me alot in learning how to start thinking about myself again. I am wishing you good results on your test.
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Old 10-22-2004, 02:20 PM
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Clowie, How is your A doing now? Did the treatment keep him sober/straight. I had to get my A out with a restraining order before he hit bottom. He was using crystal for years without me knowing it. He is now in treatment, but I am so far into our divorce & not sure I want to give him another chance.
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Old 10-23-2004, 03:09 AM
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Is this post an old one and Tamara is just trying to find out what is happening now? I am confused with the dates on the threads and the date on the initial topic board.

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