Can't let go something will happen to her.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: auburn california
Posts: 1
Can't let go something will happen to her.
Hi i'm new to this. I have a friend i've known for ten years she has a drinking problem. Ive tried to get her to stop but i have had know success. I tried just ignoring it to see if that would help me deal with it. She drinks and drives. Hides alcohol all over the place. It's so sad. I want to help her but nothing works. Last night we went to the county fair and i drove home with her. I was driving she was intoxicated. We were talking on the way home and she kept getting more and more beligerant. I tried not to get upset but she wouldn't stop. Finally we arrived home and by that time we were really starting to get into to it. I walked into the house she came up behind me mouthing off and i turned around and shoved her and down she went on the front lawn. I didn't want to do it. It just happened. After that it escalated and she wanted to get in her car and leave. I attempted to stop her and she swung and nailed me on the sided of the head. It caught me off guard. I didn't swing back i just told her i was going have her thrown jail. She got in the car a left. I don't know what to do. I know i should leave but i am so worried she will hurt herself or someone else.
Signed unable to detach.
Signed unable to detach.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Hey Karen...
I'm sorry that you can't help your friend...
It's her choice all the way how she behaves.... and until she decides to start looking at her doings in life... then it's probably only going to get worse because alcoholism is generally progressive if not intervened and the person will not get help....
there are support groups out there... and there is much support in Sober Recovery and information on how to cope and where to go from here...
all the tops of the forums have pertinant information on all aspects of addiction and codependancy... so.. you'll soon see that your friend needs to work this out herself...
Blessings.. and welcome to Sober Recovery
I'm sorry that you can't help your friend...
It's her choice all the way how she behaves.... and until she decides to start looking at her doings in life... then it's probably only going to get worse because alcoholism is generally progressive if not intervened and the person will not get help....
there are support groups out there... and there is much support in Sober Recovery and information on how to cope and where to go from here...
all the tops of the forums have pertinant information on all aspects of addiction and codependancy... so.. you'll soon see that your friend needs to work this out herself...
Blessings.. and welcome to Sober Recovery
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Hi Karen,
Welcome to SR!
Bless your heart for caring like that for your friend. I'd hate to see a world where no one cared for others......it'd be sad.
The thing is...with alcoholics ( A's), they have to want to get help first before they ever do. You could talk to your friend and tell her this and that and it wouldn't do any good because until she hits bottom, she won't hear you or anyone else for that matter.
You can set boundaries with her, though. You're right, she shouldn't be drinking and driving. I cannot tell you how many people that have lost their lives (another little boy today.....4 yrs old. Hit and run) by drunk drivers in my area alone. I live in a large city and it happens all the time.
Next time she drinks and you're with her, you could tell her that you are driving... period and you'll not give her her keys back to her car until she's sobered up. And, stick to it. Don't give her the keys to the car. Either that, or, and this may sound really harsh....but, lives are at stake when a drinker is on the road, ........call 911 and report her. If she gets a few DUI's, she may think again. God forbid she ever kills herself and/or somebody else while driving.
I'm an recovering A of 11 yrs. I drank and drove and it's only by the Grace of God that I didn't kill myself and others. SO many times, I could've. That's serious stuff.
Alanon is a great place for friends and families of A's. And this board is an excellent place for help.
You've come to the right place and keep coming back,k?
((hugs))
Welcome to SR!
Bless your heart for caring like that for your friend. I'd hate to see a world where no one cared for others......it'd be sad.
The thing is...with alcoholics ( A's), they have to want to get help first before they ever do. You could talk to your friend and tell her this and that and it wouldn't do any good because until she hits bottom, she won't hear you or anyone else for that matter.
You can set boundaries with her, though. You're right, she shouldn't be drinking and driving. I cannot tell you how many people that have lost their lives (another little boy today.....4 yrs old. Hit and run) by drunk drivers in my area alone. I live in a large city and it happens all the time.
Next time she drinks and you're with her, you could tell her that you are driving... period and you'll not give her her keys back to her car until she's sobered up. And, stick to it. Don't give her the keys to the car. Either that, or, and this may sound really harsh....but, lives are at stake when a drinker is on the road, ........call 911 and report her. If she gets a few DUI's, she may think again. God forbid she ever kills herself and/or somebody else while driving.
I'm an recovering A of 11 yrs. I drank and drove and it's only by the Grace of God that I didn't kill myself and others. SO many times, I could've. That's serious stuff.
Alanon is a great place for friends and families of A's. And this board is an excellent place for help.
You've come to the right place and keep coming back,k?
((hugs))
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
The 5 rules for detachment:
1. Keep your mouth shut
2. Dont ask question
3. Dont defend yourself
4. Mind your own business
5. Be kind and loving
I know the above seems impossible to do,,,,but you CAN do it, if you make a conscious decision to do so.
Good luck
1. Keep your mouth shut
2. Dont ask question
3. Dont defend yourself
4. Mind your own business
5. Be kind and loving
I know the above seems impossible to do,,,,but you CAN do it, if you make a conscious decision to do so.
Good luck
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Evening Karen:
There's nothing you can do for your friend. She's the only one who has the power to get herself out of the mess she's created. So there's no sense in even trying to convince her to stop drinking and act responsibily. The folks in Alanon have a saying, "You didn't cause it (your friend's drinking), you can't control it, and you can't change it."
The only thing you can change is yourself. You can to learn how to "let go and let God." That means that you let God worry about your friend so you can stop focusing on her problems and start focusing on taking care of yourself.
While that sounds easy, in theory, it's actually quite hard for co-dependent folks like us to do. We tend to be control freaks and we want folks to behave in a certain way. And if they don't tow the line, then there's hell to pay. Letting go takes practice and patience. You may slip up from time to time, as it's hard to leave old ways behind. But here in SoberRecovery we strive for progress, not perfection.
So how do you let go of your controlling, co-dependent ways? Here are some suggestions to get you started:
1. Find an Alanon group in your area and commit to attending at least six meetings.
2. Get copies of Melody Beatty's books "Codependent No More" and "The Language of Letting Go."
3. Post your feelings, no matter how unimportant they may seem at the time, on SoberRecovery.
4. Keep coming back.
There's nothing you can do for your friend. She's the only one who has the power to get herself out of the mess she's created. So there's no sense in even trying to convince her to stop drinking and act responsibily. The folks in Alanon have a saying, "You didn't cause it (your friend's drinking), you can't control it, and you can't change it."
The only thing you can change is yourself. You can to learn how to "let go and let God." That means that you let God worry about your friend so you can stop focusing on her problems and start focusing on taking care of yourself.
While that sounds easy, in theory, it's actually quite hard for co-dependent folks like us to do. We tend to be control freaks and we want folks to behave in a certain way. And if they don't tow the line, then there's hell to pay. Letting go takes practice and patience. You may slip up from time to time, as it's hard to leave old ways behind. But here in SoberRecovery we strive for progress, not perfection.
So how do you let go of your controlling, co-dependent ways? Here are some suggestions to get you started:
1. Find an Alanon group in your area and commit to attending at least six meetings.
2. Get copies of Melody Beatty's books "Codependent No More" and "The Language of Letting Go."
3. Post your feelings, no matter how unimportant they may seem at the time, on SoberRecovery.
4. Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Hi Karen,You can start a new way of living,for yourself,through the recovery program of Al-anon.There is fellowship,and learning about your recovery.Being with an alcoholic,the non-alcoholic can become sick also.We have no power to make another person stop drinking.Your anger is an indication that,you are letting the alcoholic get to you.And this is where our own recovery comes into this.I totally understand the anger.Healing is what i needed to do for me,.
Although the alcoholic has at times selective hearing,they also have alot of fear.From my own experience,personally,{not saying this will work for you,because i dont know}whenever the alcoholic wanted to drink and drive.I informed them that i was calling the police.Yup,i got alot of flack,uproar,,etc..But they knew i would do this.And fear set in.All the stuff they threw at me,name calling,anger,,etc,,etc,i was able to let go,through working in recovery program.Better to be angry at me,than to really hurt or maime another,as well as themselves.I didnt go hunting to see whenever they drank that they didnt drive.This would be my part in the sickness,and make me sick to.If i happen to be with them and they are drunk and wanting to drive.It was then,and then only that i told them what i would do.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!!!
Although the alcoholic has at times selective hearing,they also have alot of fear.From my own experience,personally,{not saying this will work for you,because i dont know}whenever the alcoholic wanted to drink and drive.I informed them that i was calling the police.Yup,i got alot of flack,uproar,,etc..But they knew i would do this.And fear set in.All the stuff they threw at me,name calling,anger,,etc,,etc,i was able to let go,through working in recovery program.Better to be angry at me,than to really hurt or maime another,as well as themselves.I didnt go hunting to see whenever they drank that they didnt drive.This would be my part in the sickness,and make me sick to.If i happen to be with them and they are drunk and wanting to drive.It was then,and then only that i told them what i would do.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!!!
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