Walking on eggshells

Old 11-23-2002, 05:49 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Paused
Thread Starter
 
cook4andy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Homosassa, Florida
Posts: 3
Walking on eggshells

Recently finding out my daughter is/was an addict and her still being in treatment and all the havoc that hit our family all at once. I feel like I've been raped or that we've been hit by a tornado, trying to pick up the pieces.

I'm afraid I'm doing the wrong thing. Please let me know if I am.

Is it wrong of me to let her know the hurt caused by what happened? Should I ignore or not tell her how it affected us?....She is still in treatment, due out on Wednesday. We're still finding out things her boyfriend stole from us as time goes on. I told her in hopes she'd see what a loser he is. She say's we need to put the past behind us. I agree to a point. But if there's things she doesn't know about, should we act like it didn't happen?

She is still in love with the guy who talked her into using...I feel if she knows what he did, she may see through him...He's writing her letters from prison, even calling her in the treatment center. Am I wrong it letting her know?

We're going through our own hell.. I don't want to make it harder on her or cause her to relapse...

Please advise. Thank you.
cook4andy is offline  
Old 11-23-2002, 06:01 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Cook4Andy

First, she knows she hurt you and adding more guilt and shame will not enhance her recovery nor your own. You don't have to pretend that it all was a picnic, but at some point you have to deal with it and let it go. They say the best way to get rid of a resentment is to forgive. Works for me.

As for the boyfriend, I would sit down with her and tell her the facts if there are things she should know about him. Then let her make her own decision, right or wrong.

You don't have to walk on eggshells - she will either stay clean or relapse regardless of how you walk. But you don't have to throw the eggs at her either. Just tell it like it is and let it go.

If this reply sounds flip, I don't mean it to. I say it with love in my heart. I have been through all this with my son, who is an addict, and I know the pain of watching them destroy themselves. And the girlfriends (in his case) from Hell. .

What I learned is that it is HIS disease and HIS recovery and I have no ownership of either. Once I finally learned to let go (and to stop grabbing back on again), it got better for me and better for him.

My prayers are with you both.
Ann is offline  
Old 11-23-2002, 06:03 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
I used to work here ;)
 
Debbie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hi Cook4Andy,

Its hard for me to say what you should or shouldn't do. I can only say from experience that when I would tell my A all about the "bad" stuff while in recovery he would listen to me but I'm not really sure if he would hear me. He was intent on himself and learning how to "be/stay" sober that I think the added stress of me "nagging" him didn't help.

I am sure other will be along to give you their experience and you can make a decision of how you wish to handle the situation. I really don't think there is a right or wrong way, and you need to do what makes you feel good.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you and I am sure your HP will lead you in the right direction.

You take care.
Many hugs,
Debbie
Debbie is offline  
Old 11-23-2002, 06:19 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
JT
Supply Manager
 
JT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Hi,

I have been recovering for a very long time and only recently has my son begun to get help for himself. So I am learning the same lesson's you are. I am inclined to catch him while he is sober and thinking and unload all of the stuff that I have had pent up all these years. But I, like you, am learning that it is selfish not supportive. I have to, like Ann said, let it go. It serves no purpose and it only perpetuates the bad in our already strained relationship.

I have written a couple of letters...neither of which I have mailed. I am not sure it helped but it felt good at the time. Maybe a journal could be your outlet.

Hugs,
JT
JT is offline  
Old 11-23-2002, 06:32 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Paused
Thread Starter
 
cook4andy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Homosassa, Florida
Posts: 3
Thank you all for your replies and advise. I really appreciate it, I don't want to hamper her recovery in any way.

Thanks SO much for being here for me!....Your all in my Prayer's.
cook4andy is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:04 AM.