Today would have been my brother's 37th birthday...more

Old 09-09-2005, 04:45 AM
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Today would have been my brother's 37th birthday...more

he committed suicide in June 2004 for those who don't remember me. This year feels a little better than last. Last year I threw up all day and barely functioned. I now have about 9 months of therapy under my belt, and last weekend there was a road race in memory of him. Very emotional and therapuetic. We cried alot, but it was touching how many people he touched when he wasn't drugged up.

I pray for you all to have a peaceful day today. Thank you all for your help and support over the last year and 1/2. I couldn't be where I am today if not for you all.

Janet
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Old 09-09-2005, 05:45 AM
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Sorry to hear of the loss of your brother. What a sad thing. May you find peace today. Good for you for getting help in dealing with this tragedy.

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Old 09-09-2005, 05:47 AM
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((frustrated)) I am very sorry for how much pain this must cause...keeping you in my thoughts and prayers

Though your brother has gone, I hope he has found peace
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Old 09-09-2005, 06:32 AM
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frustrated - while i am nursing a fresh wound (the death of my AH) i truly know how you feel. may you have continued healing in the days to come!
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Old 09-09-2005, 06:54 AM
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Thanks for all your support everyone. I had shirts made up for the road race on Monday and most of us are wearing them today. Even my 7 year old wore his to school. I told him what it symbolized and that wearing it on Uncle Michaels birthday keeps him close to our hearts. What they say is true - time heals all wounds. I'm not 100% yet, but I'm happy with the progress I've made in the last year.

Everyone once in a while, one of his favorite songs will come on and I know he's still with me. At a dance our family went to Friday night, they played "You Shook me all night long" by AC/DC. That was one of his favorite songs as a teenager. Not a normal dance tune since most of the attendees were 50+ in age. I knew then I had to dance and that he had a hand in selecting the music.

It's the little things that keep me going. And when those things happen, I know he's finally at peace and still watching over us.
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Old 09-09-2005, 06:54 AM
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I am so sorry for your loss, I have a great understanding of how you feel. It will be two years this January 19th, that my brother attempted suicide. He has been in the hospital/nursing home most of the time. He is now in hospice, but they are giving him the boot, because he is not dying.

My brother has tube feedings, a diaper and a treche. He sleeps 22 hours out of 24. These last couple of years have been hell. He does recognize family, but his mind is back about 10 years most of the time.

What helps me is remembering who he was, all the fun times we had, all the laughter, our cedar point trip on his motorcycle. How incredibly smart he was, Professor/electronical engineer. He will be 42, in October.
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Old 09-09-2005, 07:03 AM
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(((frustrated)))

I am so sorry for your loss I am sure any words I might have would be inadaquate tofill the void of loosing your brother to the disease of addiction....

As a person who has 3 siblings who are not clean this thread speaks of my worst nightmare... to loose one of them. I lost myself many times trying to help them find another way..now my only choice seems to be to stand back and pray and love them from a distance least I allow myself to go down again.
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Old 09-09-2005, 07:14 AM
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but it was touching how many people he touched when he wasn't drugged up.
This says it all. I think it's the reason why each life matters, it's why whether ill or well who we are matters and it's why you have happy memories as well as sad and why you feel him close.

I have an odd relationship with my brother but it's a strong one although we were seperated apart from holidays for most of our childhood. I see my hubby's relationship with his brother and my relationship with my old school friend and I find it hard to imagine the incredible bond there must be when siblings really grow up together. I watch it and think it's beautiful but I can't imagine how it feels.
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Old 09-09-2005, 08:05 AM
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(((Frustrated)))....I share your brothers birthday........I hope that you will find some time today to just reflect on all the good times you shared with him.....
Love, Patty
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Old 09-09-2005, 09:04 AM
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Frustrated,

Oh sweetie..I feel your pain..My older brother committed suicide in October 1999. He was 34 and would be turning 40 this year.. He was a really talented photographer who lived in NYC but was really affected by this disease..

I still cry when I hear certain Led Zeppelin songs and also "Dreamweaver"..

I miss him and feel sad sometimes that he wont' be at my wedding (when I get married)..but I am happy he is not suffering anymore..he was a really unhappy person and not in any recovery..

It will get better for you. I keep pictures of him up and I talk about him to people that I meet. I don't want to forget..

Every year I go back East to his grave and I sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him..I don't ever want to forget him..

Every year it's gotten better for me..This year I'll do something to remember him on his birthday (October 2) and the anniversary of his death (October 25). As part of my 9th step in Alanon I wrote a letter to him telling him how much I missed him..

I'm starting to tear up as I write this..

Hang in there!

Big hug,

Del
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Old 09-09-2005, 11:00 AM
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Take special care of yourself ... *Hugs*
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Old 09-09-2005, 04:17 PM
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Hi Janet:

I lost my youngest brother when he was 22 years old. Not to addiction, but to a lightening strike. So I know the hole that losing a sibling can leave in your heart. It seems especially difficult to accept when we lose them so young and they had their whole lives ahead of them.

Often, I wonder why he left this world so suddenly and if there was a much higher plan in motion for him or if it was just a tragic twist of fate. More often, I wonder why he was short-changed, and why, at 45, I've now been blessed with a life twice as long as his. I think of all the things that I've experienced in life that were stripped away from him. He'll never find a wife, have children, buy his first home, have grandchildren. It seems so sensless and unfair. And while the pain fades a bit over time, it's always there, and the void can never be filled. There was only person in this world like my brother, and I'm grateful for those 22 years. I'm grateful I was able to share my life with him. And I'm grateful that my last words to him were "I love you," as he dashed out the door, never to be seen again.

On August 14th, I lost my father--just two weeks after he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. And while there was little time to say goodbye, at least I had a chance to tell him I loved him one more time. In fact, my father's last words to me were "You're beautiful, and I love you, and you look especially pretty in pink."

There's no guarantee that there will be a tomorrow--for ourselves, our children, our siblings, our parents--all the people we love. And that's why every day, without fail, I tell the people I hold dear that I love them. I learned that from my dad.
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Old 09-09-2005, 06:48 PM
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Janet...

Thanks for sharing your memories of your brother with us on this special day. I can hear the progress you've made and I'm sure you've given hope today to others who struggle with their own grief and loss.
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Old 09-09-2005, 08:09 PM
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brdlvr2 - thanks for your kind words

pickaname - thanks for the prayers. I do believe he's in a better place

cwohio - you are a wonderfully strong woman - the same goes right back at you ((HUGS))

Dakoda - the memories do get better, although the painful ones are still kicking around in my brain. I'm finally able to laugh at some of the things he's done. Thank you for your kind words

emily33 - (((HUGS))) - my brother wouldn't want to live that way, bless you and your family for having to go through that. I'm really not sure which situation is worse.

splendra - my gosh, what a burden you have. Standing back and watching is the hardest part. I guess we just have to trust God.

equus - your words are touching - there really is nothing like the bond of growing up together. But if you don't get it from your siblings, close childhood friends can hold a big bond also. (((HUGS)))

pmaslan - I hope you had a wonderful day today. You must be a special person to share my brother's birthday. I didn't spend much time reflecting - more like trying to keep busy. But I found time to talk about him some and was able to do it without crying.

Minx1969 - we should chat sometime. It sounds like we've got alot in common. Thanks for your kind words.

cynay - thank you

Formerdoormat - I'm sorry for the loss of your brother. Certainly, a lightning strike is very tragic since it's so senseless. Honestly, I saw my brother's end coming - I just didn't expect it to be a choice he would consiously make. I'm glad you got time with your dad before he died. I know when my MIL died, it made it easier that we all had time to spend time with her and say goodbye. Your dad sounds like a very special person. He taught you well. (((HUGS)))

nocellphone - thanks for the vote of confidence. Although there are always steps backwards, I feel like overall I AM moving forward. I do have a goal to get my brothers tragedy out and help others by telling his story. There are so many people who are affected by drugs/alcohol and suicide but no one talks about it. They think people will look down on them, but it's surprising when I open my mouth, how many people respond that they are dealing with a similar issue, at least partly.

stormyautumn - thanks for the link. I will certainly go check it out in the morning.

Thanks again everyone for all your support. As I get stronger, I wll try to get here more often to support others. You just don't know how grateful I am to have found you when I did. I had no idea back then what was in store for me and my family, but obviously God was watching out for me in helping me find this board.

(((HUGS))) and prayers to you all.
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Old 09-09-2005, 08:33 PM
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frustrated - do come back, again & again. i can't tell you what a healing place this has been for me even before the death of my AH. i can't think of a better bunch of folks to spend my time with than my "family" here at S/R. Bless you and may your pain begine to ease as mine has.

hugs - christie
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