harleygirl92156

I am very angry at my A. He is 9 months sober, but the after shocks of the things he did when drinking are still being felt, lies, infidelity, and verbal abuse among them. He is now working VERY HARD to salvage our marriage and make it better than it was before, but I must say I am not overly receptive.

I find although I am angry with him, I am more angry with myself. Angry that I put up with what I did, angry that I allowed myself to believe his lies, that I knew he was cheating on me and talked myself out of it telling myself it was just me being insecure, angry I didn't take better care of myself while he was drinking ie. Al anon, just angry that I was so much in denial, I was gulible and stupid.

I am working with a counselor on this, going to al anon, discussing with hubby, but I still just feel that anger in my core. Any suggestions or tips to help me work through this deep seeded anger at myself would be appreciated.

I am finding it is easier to forgive my hubby than it is myself. I am my own worst critic.

Pick-a-name

I am in the same place....not a nice place either, is it?! That is why I am here...to find the path out of there. Yes; sometimes I have to think: "what would I tell my daughter, a friend if she was feeling this way?"......then take my own advice. Easier to say than to do. To feel hurt and duped, and loose the trust all in one blow, on top of the rest is "system overload" I think.......baby steps.

splendra

(((HG)))

Be gentle with yourself...

Cap3

Hey HG,i use to do all kinds of different things to be able to let go of my anger.All the walking,changing diet,usuing that ole punching bag,etc,,etc,,,,never lasted for long,in my relief,of my anger.it came back,again,and again.It really wasn't until i got to the root and causes of my anger,and made my amends to others,that finally my anger was lifted.Working through all 12 steps of recovery program,slowly im beinging to see differently,and think differently,.Called a psychic and spiritual change.Today this doesnt mean that i never get angry,i do at times.But quickly let it go,asking myself,can i take action or not?And the serenity prayer is always close at hand.That closer relationship with God,always helps me.I cant.He can.Think i will let Him.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!!!!

dax

Voice of experience here. You will have a very hard time working through you anger unless your husband comes clean about any information you want to know about the affair. Almost all information I got, I did through long time snooping. He is so DUMB. If he had told me some truths in the first place, I would not have been so obseessed with getting the truth. and would know a lot less but would not be so mad.Yes anger at myself for being so trusting about the whole AA program and what goes on there. I have just survived another birthday month[his 27th of sobriety. The meetings just make me angry now. So much flirting and hitting on . I now know as many facts about the affair as I wanted- all because he was so dumb he left hidden files on old computer. I have accepted I will always harbor anger towards him. This is poison for me but I am am having a BAD time turning it loose. I have no confidence in the ablity of a 12 step program to help. Alanon is just of perplexed when it come to infidelity. However after 6 years , it comes to the surface a lot less. We are getting along very well. But the trust is not there. You will be angry for a very long time. However if he toes the line, your marriage may survive. But his hiding the facts is very damanging to your recovery. I have been reading your posts. Get a NEW COUNSELOR. hugs dax

2dayisanewday

Hey harley girl,

I know it may not seem like it right now, but we really do go through things for a reason. Continue going to counseling, it is the best place for you. You may not notice changes right away, like others have said, be patient with yourself...change is so hard and baby steps really are the way. Lean on your trusted friends for support to vent no matter how many times you need to, that does not matter.
One author I can recommend if you like to read, any book by Harriet Lerner. Go to the book store or library. You could go to either one and if you chose to read it, maybe check it out at the library and if you like it, then buy it. I found those books to be very helpful and empowering. One of her most popular books is called, "Dance of Anger"....my fav. book by her is "Dance of Intimacy"
Keep your chin up. (SMILE)

cwohio

ohhh HG - me too! i think most of the anger i EVER felt was more directed at myself, not anything else. anger that i waited so long to get help for ME, not focus on his business.

i truly hope whatever comes to be in your life that you will find a way to release the anger and will have peace and serenity in your life.

pureangelscorp

My Suggestion. . .DON'T DIVORCE and FIND IT IN YOURSELF TO ALLOW HIM TO SALVAGE HIS PART IN YOUR MARRIAGE. You have to keep in mind and remember that the past is behind you and not in front of you and if you want resolution, you need to help yourself with finding a healing sense to let go and go forward. Grow from his mistakes, remembering that when he was drinking, HE WAS SICK AS IF HE HAD CANCER-Would ya walk out on him then or not be so receptive to the help he needs? Just a thought.

bikewench

Harley...

maybe understanding sexual addiction would help you let go of your anger...

I know i've brought this up to you before... and that your husband denies he's got issues with it...
but.. I'm thinking that if you even just explored the thing yourself... it might give you much insight into why people do the things they do around this....
and how it plays out with the other partner as well...

anger needs acceptance and acknowledgement to be released...
so... embrace it.

Cynay

For me ..... and this is only my feeling on it.

If my husband had Cancer, Cheated on me and would not be open and honest with me after disclosing it.... and that is what I "needed" to heal..

Then Yep, I probably would walk out on him.

dreamcatcher

H.G
I don't know if you had the chance to read my response to your thread on "Elephant", but in this post you used the key word "CORE" When I was asked to compromise my core values it made me angry. I tried to just let it go, but it was always there. I worked on it and stayed in the marriage for 6 years. I was not the same person and when my ex ah would say "your not the same" I would get angry, but you know what I wasn't the same and it was ok. How could I be the same? He brought someone else into our marriage. It wasn't the same and it never would be. Now you can do the start over and try to salvage, but I couldn't and everytime something would go wrong or I wasn't the same ole gal, he would go elsewhere. That was his excuse. I have heard "I don't love you anymore" Your a bitch" "You have changed" I would fight it. Until I accepted that I changed and yes I had a right to be a bitch. I was able to move on. I let things go on to long. I took responsibility for my part in that. I too was angry at myself, but at the time I did my best. I am 46 years old and had to ask myself is this the way I want the next 46 years to be? I hear your struggle, you are so torn looking for the answers. Look in the mirror, listen to yourself the answers are within. I became my own worst enemy and I had to let go. I can hold my head high now. People will say to me "How could you throw away 23 years of marriage?" The answer was easy. The marriage was killing me, It was eating my soul. I had to survive and the only way for me was to get out. I am different now. Maybe a little more selfish and somedays that is ok. Life goes on and I am going to live it. Keep working on yourself and work with the anger.

abtchonamission

Harleygirl,
For me, the best way to work through my anger seems to be journaling. By writing out how I'm feeling, why I'm feeling it, just letting all of it out of me and onto a paper that is for no eyes other than my own, I can see what I need to see. I can figure out for me what my part is, or what I'm feeling that isn't really mine to own, among other things.

May help you, may not...take what you like and leave the rest.

smoke gets in my eyes

((( harleygirl! )))

Gotta tell ya ... for five years I pretended I didn't know Dino was on crack. For five years I stuck my head in the sand and when I finally didn't have any choice I pretended for years more that I had really been fooled. (How could I have known?) I knew. I did not know specifics- I am glad to say I am a stranger in that strange land- but I knew he was deceiving me, stealing from me, taking advantage of me and I knew he was messed up all the time. And I asked that question "How could I have let myself be fooled?" I didn't. I wasn't. You weren't either. We would not allow ourselves to acknowledge the truth and it was because we did not want to deal with the consequences of that truth. I am NOT a woman who would put up with a man stealing from her to buy drugs. Therefore, Dino was NOT stealing from me to buy drugs because that would mean I would not be putting up with him and THAT would mean calling it quits, which I was not prepared to do.

I had a false self image. I did not understand my own priorities. I can't say there's nothing that would ever make me give up on the guy, and I can't say that I will always have the same priorities. But I can say that at the time, having Dino in my life was more important to me than his honor. That's just the truth. I don't have to be mad at myself for being fooled. I wasn't fooled. I was just playing a big game with myself because I did not APPROVE of my own priorities.

I am a lot more honest with myself now. I don't make pronouncements about what I will not put up with, I just jump off the bridges when I come to them.

Ask yourself "What do I want?" and try like the very dickens not to JUDGE what you want. If your gut says "I want to try to work it out" but your head is judging you and saying "only an IDIOT would try to work it out" then ... yeh... you just get confused and mad. Also, resist checking yourself for consistency. Priorities DO change. What you want today may not match what you wanted last year. That doesn't make either choice a mistake. One would hope we ARE different from last year, what with all this recovery stuff going on! LOL

HUGS!
Smoke

cwohio

smoke - you are soooo wise!