FaithChaser

Maybe this isn't the right place to post this, but since I've been posting in this section of the forum since last November, I feel like this is my home on this forum...

If anyone can at all relate to this even just a little please let me know what the heck to do...

Thing is, I think I have finally discovered that my addictive behaviors are acting out... What I mean is this: Back in 1993, I begain going to NA to quit using cocaine, and everything else. Was clean for several years, and slowly started drinking a bit again. I thought that a few beers occasionally wouldn't hurt me. duh. Anyway, that is when I met my ah (go figure)

I always think somehow I'm not like everyone else statistically, I think I have proved otherwise...

Anyway, as the years have gone on, my focus has been on his drinking, his problems, his this, his that. NOT in how it is that I have been coping with it. I have some health issues so the doctor didn't think too much about giving me some tramadol, then after more pain kicked in due to chronic issues she gave me a prescrip for vicoden I do on occasion feel that I need them to be able to move but... I am also on ritalin because of my ADD. AH recently got his own prescription for ritalin. What a mess huh? I really never thought of my pain control as an issue with addiction, a pain killer for my physical pain not emotional pain. But now I'm looking back and I know that my use of things has not been always for physcial pain. I think my true reason for staying is that we are both addicts. Like attracts like. I have not felt that I am strong enough to leave the situation, good enough, probably because in my own way I am actually still using. I talked myself into believing that I need the medications but abuse is abuse even if it is just a tramadol to numb me a bit (which seems to be my favorite) I can funtion, my knees don't ache, my stomach doesn't hurt, and I can just feel better.

Anyway, I want to change this and be 100% healthy. I think I'm going to start by going back to good ole meetings. I feel like a fool for slipping into this again. I convinced myself that because it's not sitting in a crack house for days on end that it isn't addiction. When you come from that sort of background, it's easy to convince yourself that a little pill is not big deal. However, now that my eyes are opened to what it is I have been doing I have to fix it. It truley is amazing how the addict mind justifies and blurs the truth so well, I actually thought I was fine, no joke! It is all him not me!

I thank God for opening my eyes to what the truth is, that the devil has a foothold on me once again that I need to fix this issue with myself so that I can go on to a better life. I realize that living with an active user is going to make it difficult to stop abusing.

I guess once an addict always an addict, we have to watch our steps so carefully, we lie to ourselves best of all.
I need prayers once again.

Hugs,
~Faithchaser

HEALEDbyFAITH

Well, the fog lifts and the light shines in.....one day at a time one step at a time! You can do whatever it is you want to do but just thinking about it will not get things done, what gets things done is action. What are your dreams? You can have whatever you want but you have to reach out. Plan your day, your week, your life. Scripture warns us that a man that does not take care of his own business is a fool. I have never read anywhere in your posts that you thought of your self as a fool. I have always read your posts they are inciteful and sometimes even funny. I expect you to let us all support you and post here more often. You can clean this situation up but you cant do it without action, and action will not happen without a plan. You need a list!! And thats all I have to say about that :P Seek out those that lift you up, shun those that kick you or dont see that your dreams can happen. I will be looking for more posts everyday while you are dealing with this new found problem. Prayers and lots of Hugs to you Miss Faith, you will succeed!!

Zoey

How about doing 90 meetings in 90 days if possible. To start the action??

In my case I choose to take an anti-anxiety at bedtime rather than risk a heart attack or stroke.
Depending on your physical pain it seems excercise and meditation really does help.
Didn't Bill W say some will have to have medication, your Rx for ADD could be one, but can you talk to an addiction Dr.?? That I feel would be best.
These are all just suggestions.

Pain pills do not seem to work for me. In hospital Dr. gave me oxycontin, in a day or two I thought to ask, "What is this pill??" Nurse told me, well I took 2 more then told Dr. forget it, doesn't help pain, but had it given me a buzz or a high I'd take it. (smile)
I was never happy taking pills, maybe I have brain washed myself into being sure they won't work, so they don'T?? I doubt that, as I am a devout wimp and want pain and all else fixed yesterday already.
Do you take Rx only as prescribed?? Not taking 2 when 1 is prescribed etc.
Take care of you, and go with your gut. LV clancy46

FaithChaser

Thanks for your comments. I have been taking the prescrips as prescribed, but I feel with my disposition to addiction, I have stopped taking anything with the exception of my ADD meds.. I think it is too easy to confuse my emotional pain with physical pain. I think it's time to focus on myself and my own issues and let go of his. For that matter I tend to take on a lot of people's "stuff" and need to get healthy myself. So yes, I'm going to meetings. I'm not going to say how many just for today.

Thanks again
Huge Hugs,
~Faithchaser