Relapsed, but have realized a lot..
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Relapsed, but have realized a lot..
I relapsed...I spoke to xabf today. Again another learning experience to just how bad and sick he is. It just amazes me. The lies he tells, the way he talks himself up, and makes himself sound as though he is so special, while the rest of the world is nothing but below him. He knows how to push my buttons, and brought some hurtful things up today. He had mentioned my ex friend that lives in the small town as him. She is the reason I moved to this small town, as I had needed a break a few years back after going through the situation with my son. I thought staying with her would be peaceful and a place I could get away to gather my thoughts. In turn it ended up being hell staying with her..She's an alcoholic, a very mean alcoholic when she would get drunk.
I meet my xabf while living with her. He was my refuge, when I needed to get away from her. We ended up falling in love and moving in together. So sad to say I went from one alcoholic friendship to an alcoholic relationship.
I guess he hangs out in the bar with her, and they talk badly about me. Nothing like love for one drunk from another. LOL!! Funny how all of a sudden he has befriended her, as he could never stand her when I lived there. He kept telling me how his family and the small town he still lives in talks about me. I don't know how that could be, as I didn't really know to many people while I was there.
I know it's all lies, but he really knows how to hurt me. Is this because he is so unhappy with himself?
Anyway...I know the hurt that I feel, about what he said is my fault, as I chose to talk to him...When will I ever learn? WHEN???? Obviously, I have had enough of his hurtful, abusive comments...?? I guess the grieving process takes months if not years, but I want to skip it all and totally forget about him NOW!! Not in months or years.
I don't even know him anymore, he's not the same person at all, and he blames me for this.
I ended the conversation, by saying I was sorry he was so angry at me, since he blamed me for the break up. Told him I would pray for him; he said "don't even bother praying for me, I don't need your prayers," and said the only reason I said that was to clear my own conscience.
Ouch!
I've got to stop this...I've prayed to my HP for guidance, but yet I find myself weak and still speak to him from time to time. Why can't I move on?? I DO deserve so much more...
I meet my xabf while living with her. He was my refuge, when I needed to get away from her. We ended up falling in love and moving in together. So sad to say I went from one alcoholic friendship to an alcoholic relationship.
I guess he hangs out in the bar with her, and they talk badly about me. Nothing like love for one drunk from another. LOL!! Funny how all of a sudden he has befriended her, as he could never stand her when I lived there. He kept telling me how his family and the small town he still lives in talks about me. I don't know how that could be, as I didn't really know to many people while I was there.
I know it's all lies, but he really knows how to hurt me. Is this because he is so unhappy with himself? Anyway...I know the hurt that I feel, about what he said is my fault, as I chose to talk to him...When will I ever learn? WHEN???? Obviously, I have had enough of his hurtful, abusive comments...?? I guess the grieving process takes months if not years, but I want to skip it all and totally forget about him NOW!! Not in months or years.
I don't even know him anymore, he's not the same person at all, and he blames me for this.
I ended the conversation, by saying I was sorry he was so angry at me, since he blamed me for the break up. Told him I would pray for him; he said "don't even bother praying for me, I don't need your prayers," and said the only reason I said that was to clear my own conscience.
Ouch!I've got to stop this...I've prayed to my HP for guidance, but yet I find myself weak and still speak to him from time to time. Why can't I move on?? I DO deserve so much more...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Hi Savana ((hugs))
It's a process, honey, that we all have to go through to get passed something. We're still in love with the person they were in the beginning when it was all new and exciting. But, then reality hits and the disease rears it's ugly head.
You're right......he's pushing your buttons cuz he knows he can. Yeah, he's miserable. I don't think I know of one happy drunk. Misery loves company and that's why he's talking to your ex friend.
I love how they always tell us that "everybody" is talking badly about us. Like they're more powerful in a group? And a group of what? Maybe two people? I always feel like asking the question "you and what army? You got a mouse in your pocket?"
More and more, you'll realize with time that those conversations, ........you don't need. They just pull you down more. But, it also shows you what you're NOT missing.
You're doing great, Savana!!! You're hanging in there so well. Keep it going ....you're getting stronger every day because of it. You're a sweetheart and don't believe his crap.
It's a process, honey, that we all have to go through to get passed something. We're still in love with the person they were in the beginning when it was all new and exciting. But, then reality hits and the disease rears it's ugly head.
You're right......he's pushing your buttons cuz he knows he can. Yeah, he's miserable. I don't think I know of one happy drunk. Misery loves company and that's why he's talking to your ex friend.
I love how they always tell us that "everybody" is talking badly about us. Like they're more powerful in a group? And a group of what? Maybe two people? I always feel like asking the question "you and what army? You got a mouse in your pocket?"
More and more, you'll realize with time that those conversations, ........you don't need. They just pull you down more. But, it also shows you what you're NOT missing.
You're doing great, Savana!!! You're hanging in there so well. Keep it going ....you're getting stronger every day because of it. You're a sweetheart and don't believe his crap.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
A counselor I once saw kept explaining to me that you can't make sense out of nonsense. You will never be able to make sense of what he says. You'll never really understand what he's thinking, why he's thinking it, what he says, why he says what he says, why he hangs out with who he hangs out with...the list is endless.
One either walks in truth or they do not. I would suspect that if it's a little town, most everyone there knows or will soon realize he's an A. Most know your former girlfriend is an A. It won't take long for people to realize he does not walk in truth. You don't live there anymore. Most folks will think "smart girl, she left him and his BS". Others, if they believe his nonsense, really...do they matter? Is their opinion of you going to change your life in any manner?
Don't own what's not yours. Leave him and his illness behind. Take that energy and put it into YOU, YOUR happiness, YOUR serenity and YOUR recovery--don't waste it. Living well IS the best revenge.
Don't let him take you down with him...and don't make it easy for him to do so. Lose his number.
One either walks in truth or they do not. I would suspect that if it's a little town, most everyone there knows or will soon realize he's an A. Most know your former girlfriend is an A. It won't take long for people to realize he does not walk in truth. You don't live there anymore. Most folks will think "smart girl, she left him and his BS". Others, if they believe his nonsense, really...do they matter? Is their opinion of you going to change your life in any manner?
Don't own what's not yours. Leave him and his illness behind. Take that energy and put it into YOU, YOUR happiness, YOUR serenity and YOUR recovery--don't waste it. Living well IS the best revenge.
Don't let him take you down with him...and don't make it easy for him to do so. Lose his number.
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Hey GF!
Thanks for the reply, it's SO tough, trying to remain strong. Tonight I thought about the gentle, sober, caring, fun loving, guy he used to be. The wonderful memories we used to share. I feel as though that guy is dead and long gone. He's not at all the same guy I talk to now. It's so surreal!
Yeah, I guess he sees things so differently then me, as he is so sick in the head. The few people he was referring to that talked about me were his Father, and my ex friend, both raging alcoholics! Like I could care less about their opinions. They each have nothing going for them in their lives. So sad...
But, through all this I still love him and care..I wish I wouldn't anymore....it hurts
Thanks for the reply, it's SO tough, trying to remain strong. Tonight I thought about the gentle, sober, caring, fun loving, guy he used to be. The wonderful memories we used to share. I feel as though that guy is dead and long gone. He's not at all the same guy I talk to now. It's so surreal!
Yeah, I guess he sees things so differently then me, as he is so sick in the head. The few people he was referring to that talked about me were his Father, and my ex friend, both raging alcoholics! Like I could care less about their opinions. They each have nothing going for them in their lives. So sad...
But, through all this I still love him and care..I wish I wouldn't anymore....it hurts
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
I thought about the gentle, sober, caring, fun loving, guy he used to be. The wonderful memories we used to share. I feel as though that guy is dead and long gone.
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by walkingtheline
One either walks in truth or they do not. I would suspect that if it's a little town, most everyone there knows or will soon realize he's an A. Most know your former girlfriend is an A. It won't take long for people to realize he does not walk in truth. You don't live there anymore. Most folks will think "smart girl, she left him and his BS". Others, if they believe his nonsense, really...do they matter? Is their opinion of you going to change your life in any manner?
Yes, everyone knows everyone in that town. But..most of the people there do hang out in the bar. Lots of alcoholics there. It's really odd. I don't think most people except the normal ones, which there doesn't seem to be to many of those people there, will think I was smart for leaving him.
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by minnie
Was he? Or was that the mask he put on to entice you to be his enabler? Just a thought.....
I'm not sure, but that could be...
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: The burbs, Maryland
Posts: 130
"As Codies we tend to like to focus on what we perceive as the POTENTIAL in the A rather than what is REALITY. We focus on the potential because that is what WE want, not necessarily what the A actually is".
Savana: I know how you feel, my xabf still knows just what to say that will push my buttons too. I've been told that "everybody" knows I'm crazy - whatever. It did bother me then I considered the source and realized it was just what it was - his attempt to hurt me and make me doubt myself for not wanting to be with him anymore. My x used to try and build himself up too, but I slowly, slowly realized the truth - and he sure wasn't doing as good as he made it/himself out to be.
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by Dakoda
Savana,
It could be if you have sustained alot of important relationship loss in your life, that is what is driving you to take his calls. Kind of like, well, I never really got over losing this person or that person, and maybe it's a cumulative effect that is making letting go of this one a bit more difficult.!
It could be if you have sustained alot of important relationship loss in your life, that is what is driving you to take his calls. Kind of like, well, I never really got over losing this person or that person, and maybe it's a cumulative effect that is making letting go of this one a bit more difficult.!
It just hurts to have all these losses; I feel so alone, standing here with only memories of the ones that I have loved ever so deeply.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Savana......I feel your pain...
We both know it will get better...every day..... step by step
Focus on Minx and Cynay and Walking the Line ....I think they all are
doing splendidly........(my focousee"s of the day...lol)
Love, Patty
We both know it will get better...every day..... step by step
Focus on Minx and Cynay and Walking the Line ....I think they all are
doing splendidly........(my focousee"s of the day...lol)
Love, Patty
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Wow... thank you Patty that was nice to see.
Savana dont worry so much about a relaps. I had to do it over and over again too, I did not bother just talking to him remember last March I actually started a relationship with him again???? How sick is that!
Im not completely over it.... but I will say I have GREAT people around me that are helping me see what is real. The man Im dating (we will call Mr. Romance) has helped alot in that he and my ex-abf were good friends, we have talked alot about it all and he REALLY knows the person Im talking about. Because he loves him as well its alot easier for us to talk about the loss.... My Sponsor is a gift from God, and our stories, attitudes and mannerism are so similar its uncanny, Being able to come here and vent, listen to others and know Im not alone in the weird feelings I have Is another AMAZING gift.... I think the part of the secret is not being so hard on ourselves, admitting we have issues and being willing to be honest and work through them hon.
I have said before, I still love him, I still miss things about him ... I still pray for him everynight and I still avoid him like the plauge cuz you know what.... He can still hurt me and in a round about way has tried. Im stuborn and I REFUSE to hurt myself. I know there are things I cant control, like his coming to my meeting or church... but I will deal (and have) with that when I have too... If God brings me to it, he will bring me through it.
It will pass and get easier.... I promise, you have had sooooo much struggle and it does not sound like anyone has taken care of you.... So just dont worry about them and take care of the most important person in the world to you ... YOU! The rest will fall into place and dont beat yourself up anymore. *HUGS* your a wonderful, loving person... treat yourself that way and others will too. (I struggle with that too) I even had to ask Mr. Romance why he is so nice to me... now how strange a question was that GGGEEEEZZZZ
Savana dont worry so much about a relaps. I had to do it over and over again too, I did not bother just talking to him remember last March I actually started a relationship with him again???? How sick is that!
Im not completely over it.... but I will say I have GREAT people around me that are helping me see what is real. The man Im dating (we will call Mr. Romance) has helped alot in that he and my ex-abf were good friends, we have talked alot about it all and he REALLY knows the person Im talking about. Because he loves him as well its alot easier for us to talk about the loss.... My Sponsor is a gift from God, and our stories, attitudes and mannerism are so similar its uncanny, Being able to come here and vent, listen to others and know Im not alone in the weird feelings I have Is another AMAZING gift.... I think the part of the secret is not being so hard on ourselves, admitting we have issues and being willing to be honest and work through them hon.
I have said before, I still love him, I still miss things about him ... I still pray for him everynight and I still avoid him like the plauge cuz you know what.... He can still hurt me and in a round about way has tried. Im stuborn and I REFUSE to hurt myself. I know there are things I cant control, like his coming to my meeting or church... but I will deal (and have) with that when I have too... If God brings me to it, he will bring me through it.
It will pass and get easier.... I promise, you have had sooooo much struggle and it does not sound like anyone has taken care of you.... So just dont worry about them and take care of the most important person in the world to you ... YOU! The rest will fall into place and dont beat yourself up anymore. *HUGS* your a wonderful, loving person... treat yourself that way and others will too. (I struggle with that too) I even had to ask Mr. Romance why he is so nice to me... now how strange a question was that GGGEEEEZZZZ
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