clyde

I can not figure out which of the 3 my STBX is. We are still talking. He does not want to sign the divorce papers. I told him there is no stopping the divorce because I can not believe anything he says. However if he make a grand gesture I would consider on working on a reconsiliation. I told him this gesture has to happen before all is final. I know it seems like I am playing with him but I do not believe it. We spent our marriage with him resenting me for telling him what to do because he would not do anything if I did not. That is why I will not tell him what he needs to to to make it work. It is not rocket science and if I have to tell him then he looses all credibility. He is stalling and I know it. He does not want to work on things he just does not want to let go.

We have been separated 1yr 2 mos. He has been sober 8 mos. but I would swear he was drunk at times. If he is drinking all of his action for the last 8 months would make sense to me but he swears he is not. I have not smelled alcohol on him for 8 months. He will ask me the same question 3 times in the same conversation and then 3 more times in the next conversation. He has recommended a particular movie to me 5 times. He called me "honey bunch" on the phone the other day. He only called me pet names when he was drinking. He called in sick to work yesterday "just because" he never calls in sick. I know him as a liar so how do I know. If he is not drinking then I am concerned about this memory loss. If he can not love me then why not just let me go.

I am having a really rough time right now. I feel very alone. I am withdrawling from the people around me and instead of understanding they are walking around telling folks I have a stick up my bu##. That tells me I need different friends and a new family while I am at it. But that just makes me more alone. I have an appt to go see a counsler on Monday but it is wearing on me now.

reader

What is STBX? No you are not alone, we are all in this boat together. I do know how u feel though. I would never turn to my friends or family. I was embrassed. I onced asked to park my camper on the family property to leave my husband, I was shot down immediately. I learned early on not to turn to anyone. After being seperated for over a year I would suggest couples counseling too along with counseling for yourself. What ever decision you make its never easy. I try to detach but I am always wanting to ask if he has been drinking. You said dry drunk does he go to AA? Take it one day at a time!! kerry

minnie

Does it really matter what label you put on him? Is this the person you want to spend your life with? I think that the fundamental question for all of us.

FriendofBill

STBX= Soon to be X-Hub. GOt it!

Ya, I agree with Minnie...if a person doesnt have a recovery program and is an alcoholic, its unlikely that thier behavior will change. Just cus someone stops the intake of drink, does not mean alcoholic behavior stops.

BUt, what about you? You in recovery? Its a family disease, we got it to..to a certain degree.

What kind of grand gesture could make any significant difference? I believe actions have to occur over a significant period if time before I can trust a person is involved with changing thier behavior.

Are you sure you arent looking to him to do something so you wont have to follow thru on the divorce?

Think about it..and check out Al-anon...it helps

clyde

He is not in a recovery program. We have bee in counceling for a year. The councler is pretty disgusted with him. my AH is looking for someone to tell him it is alright to sit on the fence forever. I may well be looking for a reason to stop the divorce. The grand gesture I would like to see is him to do something to show he wants an us besides just saying it. I am going to start my own counceling soon. My friends are just waiting for it to blow over and ever time I talk to my mom she just starts telling me about her fricking cats. Somehow I just feel like my marriage is a more important topic than furballs. Call me crazy. Got no other family than that and my son. I am just really confused about his memory problems.

Soul Catcher

My husband does the exact same thing!! He would drink vodka on days he came home (we are seperated to) because he thought I couldn't smell it. They have tricks. IF you think he's drinking then he IS! Your right that they are liars. I also have to agree that if he is not faithfully going to AA meetings then he's not stopping. My ah would go to them AND drink! He went because I made him. IF yours is only doing it because he thinks it's going to get you back then that's the wrong reason and he will continue to drink. I have been seperated for about four years all together and it NEVER changes. My ah has it all girl. He could NOT want for anything else but he does.....more booze. So unless you can turn yourself into alcohol that man is not going to change for you. Sorry but that's the cold hard truth for us wives of alcoholics. He probably is calling your bluff and knows your looking for an excuse to not go through with the divorce. IF your ready to do it then say it. IF not don't threaten him with idle threats. You'll lose face that way. Good luck. Keep us posted. MUAH.