bahookie

Hi there
I started writing this at quarter to 2. At five to 2 my partner phoned with the news that we've sold an asset which will cover all (ALL!) the bills, she's sorted out the kid's tv reception problems.....and she's got an job interview after not working for over a year!
From the depression of the bit below in brackets here I am sitting chuffed to bits. I left it in because I can't otherwise explain what a day is like. Do you know what I mean?

How exactly do I stop this up and down of my soul?


((The way things are going here are not good. Depression/fear of the world/dissatisfaction with life/ whatever, life's become a round of bad moods and avoidance with my A.
As far as I can see there's daily cannabis use to the point of slurring and binge eating as the munchies set it, no direction, procrastination, hiding from the world.
(ok I admit it, I look to see how much hash she has left in the tin, it's nuts, like rolling back the bandages to make sure your leg really is cut off)

I've just read the martyr/victim post (good post). I've just now realised that I'm putting up with all this. I'm even putting my life on hold while it goes on.

I wish I could see the willing participation I see in some 'significant others', but who am I kidding - she's either on a trip back to drinking or is going to become so distant, guarded and hostile that I will fall out of love. I'm barely on the radar as it is. None of the evening things we did before happen anymore - around 9pm there's a definite shiftiness as she sneaks her hash tin into a rucksack to go upstairs to change the bed (?) There's constant - and I mean unbelieveable - levels of lying, straight to my face, to everyone I hear her talking to, even about stupid things, like what we had for dinner! My 12 year old heard one of our conversations, with me getting all worked up about a changed reality and all he did was laugh, saying it was a ridiculously circular conversation.
How have I become so uptight and annoying, even to myself?
How do I let go of it when it seems I'm living in an insane house?
How do I stay guarded when the real woman shows her head now and again and my heart melts?
How do I accept that the good, responsible, morally strong person I fell in love actually asked me if it was ok to offer a joint to my moody 15 year old?!

I think I've just accepted the reality of living with someone who, although not drinking, is an addict habitually taking in mind-altering, reality-masking substance.
I also think that my trouble is that I have no order in my head, I can't resolve any of this!
((

Just don't know where to start?

J
xxx

susane1408

I so wish I knew of a simple remedy for this!!
BIG Hug Bahookie

cwohio

oh jane - i do know how you feel. this is exactly how i felt at the end!

i know these feelings all to well too.

it's so hard - please keep coming back here and get your feelings out. we are here for you!

hugs - christie

bahookie

Thank you for your replies, both of you.
I haven't been around a lot, I think I've been in hiding from myself.
I wasn't expecting answers, I just wanted my safety valve to blow.

Jane
xxx

equus

Bizarre??? If you ask me life boarders on the insanely random at times!!

I hope this sudden upturn turns into a good solid start for her getting healthy again. There may be mega ups and downs though. I just want to add depression in a partner truly SUCKS!!!

bahookie

I hate to sound churlish, but this kind of sudden whirlwind of events is becoming a bit ..... tiresome?
It's like when I changed from weekly pay to monthly when I was about 19. Actually, I'd still rather be paid weekly!

You know what I mean though, the periods of prosperity are too sparse on the ground. I guess I still don't believe in them!

Jane
xxx
Ps I didn't mean just the bills getting paid - it's more to do with the periods of emotional plenty. It all just seems to causal. Even then it's not predictable!

GettingBy

Jane,

You pretty much described the emotional roller coaster that my husband rides on, except he "just" drinks. It is INCREDIBLY tiresome. I tell my sponsor that almost daily, "Man, living with an active alcoholic is like running a marathon... every day." It will beat the living snot out of you. I think the key to dampening the ups and downs is learning how to detach from the addict's "swings", you know what I mean?

For me, my husband is unbelievably loving and caring, when he's sober. It's wonderful, I love it and wish it would last forever... it never does, obviously. When his in "binge" mode, like the past week, it can literally be hell on earth with him. He can be angry, depressed, hyper-active, obnoxious, happy-go-lucky... I can never guess which emotional state he'll be in, so I stopped trying. I wait to see who shows up at home, and then I decide if being with that person is healthy for me. If he's in "Mr. I'm always Right and I need to argue with you about anything and everything" mood, I always, and I mean, ALWAYS, walk away. I've learned that one is ALWAYS a losing battle for me, even if I "win." Sometimes (not very often unfortunately) he comes home drunk and he's actually somewhat tolerable and I do stay around to spend time with him. It's not what I would consider "quality" time, and I certainly avoid any serious discussion, but it's still time together. Either way, I've learned to appreciate the "Mr. Hyde" times, because I see them as free time that I get to spend pampering me. That way, I get happy times with him when he's sober, and happy times with me when he's drunk... and now my mood swings level off, somewhat.

The point is, if you want the whirlwind to be tempered, it has to come from you. You can't, with any certainty, expect your mate to provide it. It's just not reasonable to expect. So you have to learn ways to keep yourself from riding the same waves as her. Support her yes, but don't share her suffering.

Take what you like and leave the rest!
Shannon