Setting my boundaries. (long)
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Setting my boundaries. (long)
Ya know, it's funny. I really don't share much about my personal life on here. I just seem to reply to others. Tonight for some reason, I feel the need to share with you (as you may have noticed by all the posts I've started tonight) 
I have been working on my boundaries for awhile now. I had a hard time at first as I wasn't even sure what my boundaries should be. Then I went through a phase of being a cold brick wall that was just determined to shut everyone out of my life. My boundary was simply "stay out of my life". LOL
Well, ah and I's dissolution is moving right along. And I feel the need to share with you one of the reasons why. Of course there is the obvious reasons as I have mentioned that I needed him to prove to me he'd changed, etc. But there is a big peice of the story that I left out of that. It was major chaos for awhile in my life and I just really couldn't even talk about it as it set me off everytime into a fit of rage and hurt tears.
You see - ah and I had gotten to a point where we couldn't communicate effectively. We had come to where we never spoke - unless it was about the kids. In essence, we were not involved with each others lives at all. This phase lasted awhile. I was busy being angry and under a great deal of stress (lack of money, my house was foreclosing, etc etc etc - it was a nightmare). Ah was busy feeling sorry for himself that I no longer wanted him, I'd moved on with my life, felt he'd lost everything, etc. Well, in that feel sorry for me frame of mind, he had a 2 night stand. That began a major drama-fest in my life! Why? Cuz her ex boyfriend is who called me and told me. Well, lack of communication again, I didn't know he had slept with her until after I had done so! OMG, I was sickened! So then, she sends her minor aged friends into where I work to harrass me! (I go to the lawyer at this point as I refuse to suffer for his mistake!) I then find out how old she is (and I was disgusted). I find out she lied to him about being on the pill - she is pregnant! As you can imagine, I can't believe this scenario can get worse! Well, it does. I find out she's even a year younger than I originally told. And then I find out that one night ah called her to come over and play cards as he had some friends over and they were short a player. He says he couldn't get a hold of anyone else so he called her. Now, at this point, I am furious!!!!!!! Not only because he called her - but because I had made it clear to him exactly why I didn't want her near my son (that was there the night he called her about playing cards). And to find out he'd call her knowing she had lied to him about birth control - is pregnant - and had sent her friends in to harrass me!!!!!!!!! I was livid! So onward I push with the dissolution! The madness just had to stop!
Despite all of that, ah somehow began to actually communicate. To actually be able to talk and express ourselves in a way that was beneficial. I explained to him thoroughly many times that I was going to go ahead with the dissolution. Of course he doesn't want this. But I explained it all - including the fact that I will NOT have a part of the mess if her child turns out to be his (though she and her due date is leaning towards it being the exboyfriends - current boyfriend - they have that kind of relationship). I also explained that MY children need to be protected - and by my filing everything first, it guarantees that my children will be taken care of and first on the priority list. (He totally cannot grasp this as he's convinced it's not his)
Well, we have been getting along great - especially since his accident (I posted about in another thread). However, he got the dissolution papers and he's upset.
I understand that he is hurt. I understand that he regrets his mistake. And OMG - I even see where I made mistakes too!
However, this is something that I truly need to do. And by not accepting a child - well, it may sound coldhearted, but you know what - I just cannot do it. If it is his, I just cannot accept it. I cannot bear it, I cannot deal with it. I can't. I know my limits and this is one that I just know that I cannot do. I cannot keep suffering and paying for his mistakes. And I know that I would regardless of how detached I was.
So anyways.....I sit here now and realize that I have been pretty firm in my boundaries. I have set them and I am standing by them. Not just the pregnancy issue - but others as well. And I realize that I feel good about them. Though it's sad I had to do this - I am glad that I have. I know a few years ago if this all would have happened, I would have a nervous breakdown.
I will not allow alcohol in my home. Nor is it allowed in my life. I will not pay financially to clean up anyone else's problems again. I will not try to fix another person's mistake either - they made it - they must deal with it. I no longer try to control what another person does. I may give my opinion - but then I allow them to do what it is they decide. I let it go. I will not allow someone to talk down to me or raise their voice at me. I will not allow someone to degrade me in ways that make me feel less than I am. I will no longer give up my integrity by doing things that I feel are not morally, ethically correct. I will stand up for what I believe in. I will no longer take the blame for someone else's thoughts, feelings, and actions. And I will no longer give myself away (meaning to lose myself in another)
Boundaries are hard. And they take awhile to discover that the even matter to you and what they should be. It's even harder to practice them and hold true to them. I'm still working on it but at least now I am doing it.
(thanks for listening. if you've made it this far in this very long post, I thank you for taking the time to read it)
I have been working on my boundaries for awhile now. I had a hard time at first as I wasn't even sure what my boundaries should be. Then I went through a phase of being a cold brick wall that was just determined to shut everyone out of my life. My boundary was simply "stay out of my life". LOL
Well, ah and I's dissolution is moving right along. And I feel the need to share with you one of the reasons why. Of course there is the obvious reasons as I have mentioned that I needed him to prove to me he'd changed, etc. But there is a big peice of the story that I left out of that. It was major chaos for awhile in my life and I just really couldn't even talk about it as it set me off everytime into a fit of rage and hurt tears.
You see - ah and I had gotten to a point where we couldn't communicate effectively. We had come to where we never spoke - unless it was about the kids. In essence, we were not involved with each others lives at all. This phase lasted awhile. I was busy being angry and under a great deal of stress (lack of money, my house was foreclosing, etc etc etc - it was a nightmare). Ah was busy feeling sorry for himself that I no longer wanted him, I'd moved on with my life, felt he'd lost everything, etc. Well, in that feel sorry for me frame of mind, he had a 2 night stand. That began a major drama-fest in my life! Why? Cuz her ex boyfriend is who called me and told me. Well, lack of communication again, I didn't know he had slept with her until after I had done so! OMG, I was sickened! So then, she sends her minor aged friends into where I work to harrass me! (I go to the lawyer at this point as I refuse to suffer for his mistake!) I then find out how old she is (and I was disgusted). I find out she lied to him about being on the pill - she is pregnant! As you can imagine, I can't believe this scenario can get worse! Well, it does. I find out she's even a year younger than I originally told. And then I find out that one night ah called her to come over and play cards as he had some friends over and they were short a player. He says he couldn't get a hold of anyone else so he called her. Now, at this point, I am furious!!!!!!! Not only because he called her - but because I had made it clear to him exactly why I didn't want her near my son (that was there the night he called her about playing cards). And to find out he'd call her knowing she had lied to him about birth control - is pregnant - and had sent her friends in to harrass me!!!!!!!!! I was livid! So onward I push with the dissolution! The madness just had to stop!
Despite all of that, ah somehow began to actually communicate. To actually be able to talk and express ourselves in a way that was beneficial. I explained to him thoroughly many times that I was going to go ahead with the dissolution. Of course he doesn't want this. But I explained it all - including the fact that I will NOT have a part of the mess if her child turns out to be his (though she and her due date is leaning towards it being the exboyfriends - current boyfriend - they have that kind of relationship). I also explained that MY children need to be protected - and by my filing everything first, it guarantees that my children will be taken care of and first on the priority list. (He totally cannot grasp this as he's convinced it's not his)
Well, we have been getting along great - especially since his accident (I posted about in another thread). However, he got the dissolution papers and he's upset.
I understand that he is hurt. I understand that he regrets his mistake. And OMG - I even see where I made mistakes too!
However, this is something that I truly need to do. And by not accepting a child - well, it may sound coldhearted, but you know what - I just cannot do it. If it is his, I just cannot accept it. I cannot bear it, I cannot deal with it. I can't. I know my limits and this is one that I just know that I cannot do. I cannot keep suffering and paying for his mistakes. And I know that I would regardless of how detached I was.
So anyways.....I sit here now and realize that I have been pretty firm in my boundaries. I have set them and I am standing by them. Not just the pregnancy issue - but others as well. And I realize that I feel good about them. Though it's sad I had to do this - I am glad that I have. I know a few years ago if this all would have happened, I would have a nervous breakdown.
I will not allow alcohol in my home. Nor is it allowed in my life. I will not pay financially to clean up anyone else's problems again. I will not try to fix another person's mistake either - they made it - they must deal with it. I no longer try to control what another person does. I may give my opinion - but then I allow them to do what it is they decide. I let it go. I will not allow someone to talk down to me or raise their voice at me. I will not allow someone to degrade me in ways that make me feel less than I am. I will no longer give up my integrity by doing things that I feel are not morally, ethically correct. I will stand up for what I believe in. I will no longer take the blame for someone else's thoughts, feelings, and actions. And I will no longer give myself away (meaning to lose myself in another)
Boundaries are hard. And they take awhile to discover that the even matter to you and what they should be. It's even harder to practice them and hold true to them. I'm still working on it but at least now I am doing it.
(thanks for listening. if you've made it this far in this very long post, I thank you for taking the time to read it)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Bravo!!!! Your boundaries are wonderful. I especially like "I will not allow someone to talk down to me or raise their voice at me. I will not allow someone to degrade me in ways that make me feel less than I am. I will no longer give up my integrity by doing things that I feel are not morally, ethically correct. I will stand up for what I believe in. I will no longer take the blame for someone else's thoughts, feelings, and actions."
Keep growing SS. You are an inspiration.
Keep growing SS. You are an inspiration.
Ugh!
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Enchanted Elmoland
Posts: 180
Wow StandingStrong, I certainly see where you get your name from. I'm envious at your knowledge of who you are your boundaries and your sticking to them. In your strength I see who it is I want to be. I don't see knowing your not wanting to accept this child yet to be as a weakness, but as knowing yourself well, knowing what is acceptable in your life and what isn't. Again I'm envious and hoping to get there soon. I'm learning how very short life is, and wondering why my boundaries are so very weak. I also don't want to lose myself in another, but I see that i have done that again and again and trying to figure out why. I learn by posts like yours thank you so much for sharing this.
Hugs,
~Faithchaser
Hugs,
~Faithchaser
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Well, standing strong, having seen your shorter posts first and the replies. This just proves to me AGAIN how very wrong we are when we step in and assume. You have gifted us with a very valuable lesson in more ways than one. Kudos to you! And having your boundaries in place, communicating them, sticking to them and the boost in self-esteem, confidence and strength that comes for that work is priceless!
Thank you so very much for taking your time to post this!
live
Thank you so very much for taking your time to post this!
live
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Dear SS... I am sorry for my post on your other thread. I would have never been on his side had I known. I so very much hope for everyone, you and your childern mostly that the baby is not his. You really do need to be strong. lv ya and I am sorry
*
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Lincolnshire, England
Posts: 464
Originally Posted by STANDINGSTRONG
I no longer try to control what another person does. I may give my opinion - but then I allow them to do what it is they decide. I let it go. I will not allow someone to talk down to me or raise their voice at me. I will not allow someone to degrade me in ways that make me feel less than I am. I will no longer give up my integrity by doing things that I feel are not morally, ethically correct. I will stand up for what I believe in. I will no longer take the blame for someone else's thoughts, feelings, and actions. And I will no longer give myself away (meaning to lose myself in another)
Well put SS
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
a few months ago,i was feelin pretty bitter--havin just alittle too much fun at the self pity party. but ive realized that with every time ive been disappointed,it has shown me the way to more and better boundaries that we all need in our lives.when i didnt recognize this,i kept getting the same thing.
for each of us, they may be different,but it is those that we alone realize that will bring us the life we WANT,not the life we get. and yes,i want a relationship that i may never see in this lifetime,but at least i know i have a better chance of finding it in the first place,if i am true to my own self.
for each of us, they may be different,but it is those that we alone realize that will bring us the life we WANT,not the life we get. and yes,i want a relationship that i may never see in this lifetime,but at least i know i have a better chance of finding it in the first place,if i am true to my own self.
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